Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas

[Anonymous]

Several paragraphs of complaints in your post, and I don’t see a single mention of how you could have taken some responsibility to make things turn out better. The entire fiasco is your husband’s fault? You were unable to do a single thing to mitigate the issues? You guys are in for a world of hurt when that baby comes if this is how you operate. Your husband sounds like a disorganized train wreck and you sound like an immature person who blames others for problems. You have 3 months— maybe time for therapy together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With an ADHD spouse be prepared either to compensate for him or let things go. Sorry, OP.

And be prepared to do the same for your kids. In my limited experience, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

[Anonymous]

If you really wanted to go then you would have just gone there right after work. He was there for a few hours after you got off. It’s Morn like you would have had to stand around for hours and hours in uncomfortable clothes. Instead, you chose to be a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

question -- I see on the Special Needs board how children with ADHD are successful with the right medication and other supports, so why does it seem adults with ADHD choose not to use medication if it will help one keep on task?

Because they are selfish and have doormat spouses that enable them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I rarely respond to these threads because I used to be like you and millions of other women are like you ...

Now, with some distance, I can see that much of what you complain about is due to you! Please, OP, take a step back and read your own thread objectively and see what you are doing to yourself - in your acts and, to top it off, your thoughts now.

P.S. There is a lot wrong with what your husband did, but you must start with yourself. Set boundaries now, you are about to become a mother and life will only get crazier.

P.P.S. Merry belated Christmas to you! be kind to yourself

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one single adult in my life who has ADHD and yet every single woman on this forum is married to a man with it. Is it one of those things people don't talk about? Everyone is walking around with ADHD and we just don't know it?

Why would people talk to you about it?

That's exactly what I'm asking, why do people talk or not talk about it? It seems like ADHD is like miscarriages; happens to everyone but no one talks about it. Why is it such a taboo topic if it's as prevalent in the human experience as the DCUM boards make it seem to be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You prioritized laundry and groceries over his family. It is simple.

Are you drunk? She’s pregnant with no clean clothes and the ones she was wearing had been around drugs and poverty and filth all day. She’s a social worker. It’s not unreasonable for her to expect her husband to take 90 seconds to move some clothes from washer to dryer so she can have Christmas dinner in clean clothes.

OP, I’d make a joke of how inept he is next time you see his family, just tell them the story honestly and how you were furious at him that you had to miss dinner with them.

Thank you, PP. Yes, a shower and clean clothes are an absolute necessity. I would not want to potentially expose DH’s family to the things I’m exposed to: germs, filth, bodily fluids. When you step foot in a home with a urine saturated floor and there’s vomit or poop everywhere, you need to change your clothes and shower. I strip down in the garage most days.

Also - groceries were needed. I didn’t know in that moment what the store hours were on a Christmas Day, or if they were open at all. Also I was starving and there wasn’t much to eat at home. I knew any food at DH’s family’s house would have been left out and picked over so I needed to get something to eat for myself quickly. They weren’t serving a meal - just appetizers and they started celebrating at 3. They’re not food cautious and will leave seafood dips out for 4+ hours.

Following this thread and got the update. Please don’t passive aggressively “joke” about how you were furious with him to his family as the pp suggested. There were multiple issues going on but I think I get it now and it does get back to the subject line. The bottom line is you could only make Christmas dinner given coming back from vacation, working all day, and friends and family visiting the next day if DH speeded up the process by having food and clean clothes available. He didn’t and threw you under the bus with his family and got upset at you. If you have talked with DH since be clear what’s not okay is him putting the blame on you. Full stop. The other things will take time to work out but accepting responsibility for your own actions and seeing yourselves as a team is really the foundation for working things out and adding a baby into the mix.

From someone that has BTDT with not wanting to disappoint anyone and trying to see everyone, in the future you just can’t have these many things back to back. My DH is the one that helps keep me balanced on not scheduling too much. Also, you both have to figure out a system for these things. There were two posters that had some really good advice that OP acknowledged. I’m the one, the DW, that is easily distracted and I literally set reminders with alerts on my iPhone when there are multiple must remember things like before we go out of town for the holidays. Or when my DH asks me to put clothes in the dryer, I will set a timer on my phone to check in 60 minutes or guaranteed I will forget unless I was also doing laundry. Also, if your in-laws are close by, thru DH make sure they are part of your support network with the baby and same with your family. You can’t do it all by yourself all the time. I’m blessed with wonderful in-laws and great parents. When the kids were young, heck even now, they would watch them so we could have time away and remember what is is like to be a young couple in love. There have also been there to help when we have had to travel for work. I hope that someday when we are grandparent that we can do the same.

[Anonymous]

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you desperately needed groceries for breakfast because your family was coming over. In which case I can see why he's pissed you ditched his family to prepare for yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one single adult in my life who has ADHD and yet every single woman on this forum is married to a man with it. Is it one of those things people don't talk about? Everyone is walking around with ADHD and we just don't know it?

Why would people talk to you about it?

That's exactly what I'm asking, why do people talk or not talk about it? It seems like ADHD is like miscarriages; happens to everyone but no one talks about it. Why is it such a taboo topic if it's as prevalent in the human experience as the DCUM boards make it seem to be?

Because it is a personal health issue. Most people do not talk about their personal health issues with casual friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one single adult in my life who has ADHD and yet every single woman on this forum is married to a man with it. Is it one of those things people don't talk about? Everyone is walking around with ADHD and we just don't know it?

Why would people talk to you about it?

That's exactly what I'm asking, why do people talk or not talk about it? It seems like ADHD is like miscarriages; happens to everyone but no one talks about it. Why is it such a taboo topic if it's as prevalent in the human experience as the DCUM boards make it seem to be?

I don't think it is actually ADHD. I think it is learned helplessness. Some spouses have been told over and over again they are doing things wrong. So they stop doing them. Period. Certain things I do "wrong" I don't even try try at any more: like load the dishwasher. DH will unload, wash, and reload the dishes if they aren't in the machine to his specifications. Well, honestly, F that. I don't even try any longer. I rinse and put in, but I just DGAF any more. There is no point to even trying.

So ... perhaps this is partially to blame for the epidemic of adult-male-onset ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one single adult in my life who has ADHD and yet every single woman on this forum is married to a man with it. Is it one of those things people don't talk about? Everyone is walking around with ADHD and we just don't know it?

Why would people talk to you about it?

That's exactly what I'm asking, why do people talk or not talk about it? It seems like ADHD is like miscarriages; happens to everyone but no one talks about it. Why is it such a taboo topic if it's as prevalent in the human experience as the DCUM boards make it seem to be?

Because it is a personal health issue. Most people do not talk about their personal health issues with casual friends.

I tell everybody about the miscarriages I've had. It makes them feel better. Honestly, it does.

[Anonymous]

Sorry but I just don’t buy that THIS many adults have adhd. Literally every single post here mentions adults having ADHD, usually husbands.
I’m sorry but no. Scatterbrained? Maybe. Lazy? Maybe. Incompetent? Maybe. There are many explanations and excuses for why all adults (not just men) are forgetful and disorganized and unable to complete household tasks. But there’s no way this many adults have ADHD.

[Anonymous]

2 completely separate issues:

1. Your husband is a lazy bum who didn’t get his $hit done.

2. You misplanned and miscalculated considetably. Don’t come home late from a vacation on the 23rd when you have to work a full day on the 24th, evening plans on the 24th, and hosting duties on the 25th. Any functioning adult would know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have planned better. Your husband should not have given you a hard time for not showing up.

Why was it her job to plan better? Why can’t the husband, who had the entire day off, be expected to plan, especially given that the visit was to his family?

[Anonymous]

Basically your DH didn't do the "chores" you assigned to him so you punished him by passive aggressively making a big show out of doing said chores instead and missing his family's Christmas. Congratulations? You are indeed the a*hole who missed Christmas.