Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. Don’t rely on him next time. My DH has ADHD and I would never count on him to wash my clothes.

Come on, all it sounds like he had to do was move clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. What kind of person are you that married someone who is literally incapable of being an adult? Shit, I could move the laundry along when I was a kid in middle to late elementary school.

+1 I’m astonished by the men some of these women on this board marry, the things they let them get away with, and the excuses they make. He’s an adult, not a child. If he can’t move laundry from the washer to dryer and get groceries how is he functioning in every day life?!

Agreed. Don't breed with people who can't take responsibility. ADHD is no excuse.

this all day. It's one thing if a condition onsets after saying I do, but if someone has known and documented issues that are difficult to manage, zero sympathy for those who marry them or procreate with them anyway (I am talking to you, half-sister). Certain conditions or disorders may be prone to never improve or get worse over time. Family aside, I have also have a college girlfriend who married someone with anxiety, OCD and he is a mama's boy. She knew him for 6 years before they dated. She knew his ex-girlfriend who eventually ran away screaming. She dated him for 2 years then married him anyway. Her sob stories are are exhausting. We all knew how he was before you married him so why did you!

[Anonymous]

You should have gone straight from work to inlaws and then have DH do his missed chores after. No reason to shower and change after work, on a tight schedule, unless you work a physical job.

And buy a few extra outfits that actually fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. Don’t rely on him next time. My DH has ADHD and I would never count on him to wash my clothes.

Come on, all it sounds like he had to do was move clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. What kind of person are you that married someone who is literally incapable of being an adult? Shit, I could move the laundry along when I was a kid in middle to late elementary school.

+1 I’m astonished by the men some of these women on this board marry, the things they let them get away with, and the excuses they make. He’s an adult, not a child. If he can’t move laundry from the washer to dryer and get groceries how is he functioning in every day life?!

Agreed. Don't breed with people who can't take responsibility. ADHD is no excuse.

this all day. It's one thing if a condition onsets after saying I do, but if someone has known and documented issues that are difficult to manage, zero sympathy for those who marry them or procreate with them anyway (I am talking to you, half-sister). Certain conditions or disorders may be prone to never improve or get worse over time. Family aside, I have also have a college girlfriend who married someone with anxiety, OCD and he is a mama's boy. She knew him for 6 years before they dated. She knew his ex-girlfriend who eventually ran away screaming. She dated him for 2 years then married him anyway. Her sob stories are are exhausting. We all knew how he was before you married him so why did you!

Full disclosure? I didn’t know how bad it was until after we got married and were buying a house, dealing with real life adult problems. Therapy helped. Establishing household duties helped. In the past I will often ask him 1 thing at a time and or write down a list for him to do and he can focus on that and is successful. He’s not a completely inept buffoon.

In my life before I met him I was independent and took care of everything myself, I don’t mind taking care of things at home and this incident does not happen often. Also, I regularly leave cupboard doors open and do things that drive him crazy. I’m very type A and he’s a distractible type B.

It was just extra annoying for him to come home and complain that I couldn’t make it and people were asking why I wasn’t there but I was picking up his slack and trying to take care of myself in the meantime. I’m over it now.

[Anonymous]

Seems like you wouldn't have been there for much anyways if you worked until 6:00 and he was heading home by 7:30

If you had known if would be brief party and it was close, you could have stopped in for an hour to say hi then headed home to shower.

Either way, it sounds like you missed most of the party due to work since it ended so early.

[Anonymous]

DH and I both have ADHD. We also both see coaches and do stuff to make sure we don’t eff each other over. He needs to solve the problem of being a bad spouse. And he was here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure? I didn’t know how bad it was until after we got married and were buying a house, dealing with real life adult problems. Therapy helped. Establishing household duties helped. In the past I will often ask him 1 thing at a time and or write down a list for him to do and he can focus on that and is successful. He’s not a completely inept buffoon.

In my life before I met him I was independent and took care of everything myself, I don’t mind taking care of things at home and this incident does not happen often. Also, I regularly leave cupboard doors open and do things that drive him crazy. I’m very type A and he’s a distractible type B.

It was just extra annoying for him to come home and complain that I couldn’t make it and people were asking why I wasn’t there but I was picking up his slack and trying to take care of myself in the meantime. I’m over it now.

OP how does your DH reflect on what happened, now that all is said and done?

[Anonymous]

He’s an a-hole. Wait until your child arrives. I’ll say a prayer for you...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have gone straight from work to inlaws and then have DH do his missed chores after. No reason to shower and change after work, on a tight schedule, unless you work a physical job.

And buy a few extra outfits that actually fit.

Or, the ILs could have just been told in advance that she wouldn’t be there!

Because Christmas or not, a full day of work six months pregnant is plenty good reason to just go home and rest.

Meanwhile, DH needs a come to Jesus talk and fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why you prioritized grocery shopping over stopping by your in-laws on Christmas! There are plenty of places to grab food if you don't have any in the house for a meal. It seems like you made up excuses to miss the gathering so I'd be pissed if I was your DH too. How in the world did you think you'd still have time to get showered, dressed and drive over there if you squeezed in a grocery shopping trip on Christmas and didn't even get off until 6?!

DH was supposed to do this. And yes - in the moment I prioritized having food in the house and avoiding going out at 9AM on a Christmas morning to pick up DH’s slack, we were expecting some friends/family to stop by in the morning so I wanted to make sure I at least had coffee and snacks to serve them.

I was not initially supposed to go grocery shopping - DH was supposed to. He had been sitting around all day and hadn’t done a single thing I asked him to do. It’s fine to have expectations of my husband when I have to work and he has the day off.

Did you follow up with him over the day re: laundry and groceries?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP while you would have preferred to shower and change after work, in reality you could have gone to DH's family right after work. You are 6 months pregnant so it wouldn't have mattered if you were showered and dressed up. Then on way home from families you drive straight home and tell your DH to stop at grocery store.
You could have showered then and changed into pajamas. And when your DH got home you could have told him to put clothes in dryer for next day.

This.

Congratulations on the baby, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have gone straight from work to inlaws and then have DH do his missed chores after. No reason to shower and change after work, on a tight schedule, unless you work a physical job.

And buy a few extra outfits that actually fit.

Or, the ILs could have just been told in advance that she wouldn’t be there!

Because Christmas or not, a full day of work six months pregnant is plenty good reason to just go home and rest.

Meanwhile, DH needs a come to Jesus talk and fast.

Of course it is, but the OP accepted the invitation. I would have declined from the get go.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I both have ADHD. It’s not a “Get Out of Adulting Free” pass. It’s just not. And I really hope enablers here who are blaming OP are not raising kids with aDHD because if so you are doing them a disservice.

People with ADHD need to take responsibility for their own challenges. Some things are harder for us. That doesn’t mean that we can’t have responsibility toward others. It doesn’t help us to infaltalize us or have no expectations of us.

oP’s DH had a day off. It is not too much to ask a person with ADHD to do two tasks. She didn’t expect him to organize or do 20 different things or make decisions. She just had two requests - reasonable, do-able requests

[Anonymous]

I don't know one single adult in my life who has ADHD and yet every single woman on this forum is married to a man with it. Is it one of those things people don't talk about? Everyone is walking around with ADHD and we just don't know it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one single adult in my life who has ADHD and yet every single woman on this forum is married to a man with it. Is it one of those things people don't talk about? Everyone is walking around with ADHD and we just don't know it?

Why would people talk to you about it?

[Anonymous]

question -- I see on the Special Needs board how children with ADHD are successful with the right medication and other supports, so why does it seem adults with ADHD choose not to use medication if it will help one keep on task?