Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas

[Anonymous]

You should have planned better. Your husband should not have given you a hard time for not showing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why you prioritized grocery shopping over stopping by your in-laws on Christmas! There are plenty of places to grab food if you don't have any in the house for a meal. It seems like you made up excuses to miss the gathering so I'd be pissed if I was your DH too. How in the world did you think you'd still have time to get showered, dressed and drive over there if you squeezed in a grocery shopping trip on Christmas and didn't even get off until 6?!

DH was supposed to do this. And yes - in the moment I prioritized having food in the house and avoiding going out at 9AM on a Christmas morning to pick up DH’s slack, we were expecting some friends/family to stop by in the morning so I wanted to make sure I at least had coffee and snacks to serve them.

I was not initially supposed to go grocery shopping - DH was supposed to. He had been sitting around all day and hadn’t done a single thing I asked him to do. It’s fine to have expectations of my husband when I have to work and he has the day off.

Of course it's fine!

But the reality is the actual human man you are married to is not going to meet your expectations if he has ADHD (and even if he didn't, he might not). So what is your next step. Lots of ways to go with this OP. But the first step is accepting reality.

[Anonymous]

Again, the burden of running a household falls entirely on the DW and her failure to plan. Thanks DCUM for your wonderful advice. Now excuse me as I step into my time machine and take all your advice. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, the burden of running a household falls entirely on the DW and her failure to plan. Thanks DCUM for your wonderful advice. Now excuse me as I step into my time machine and take all your advice. -OP

Your husband is an ass for not being helpful when all he had to do were two simple tasks when he's been home all day. I cannot believe these women are making this your fault for not planning better when in reality your husband simply didn't give a shit about taking care of some basic stuff to make things a tiny bit easier for his wife.

I'd be annoyed too. Maybe things could have been planned better but even if he was lazy, he could have ordered grocery delivery. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, the burden of running a household falls entirely on the DW and her failure to plan. Thanks DCUM for your wonderful advice. Now excuse me as I step into my time machine and take all your advice. -OP

Wow. You've gotten plenty of good advice.

Make plans where you and your spouse can succeed. Don't set yourself up for failure.
Knowing your husband has ADHD, don't rely on him to complete mundane tasks that don't directly relate to him.

There's no time machine OP and I know you're being "funny". So take some of the advice or you're in for total misery.

[Anonymous]

You should have just told them in advance that you have to work and can't make Christmas eve. If you don't start saying NO you are going to be uber exhausted when you add motherhood onto your to do list.

[Anonymous]

Op, the new you is going to say
"I am sorry to miss Xmas, I had to work"
Next time...I am sorry to miss your party, have to work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, the burden of running a household falls entirely on the DW and her failure to plan. Thanks DCUM for your wonderful advice. Now excuse me as I step into my time machine and take all your advice. -OP

Your husband is an ass for not being helpful when all he had to do were two simple tasks when he's been home all day. I cannot believe these women are making this your fault for not planning better when in reality your husband simply didn't give a shit about taking care of some basic stuff to make things a tiny bit easier for his wife.

I'd be annoyed too. Maybe things could have been planned better but even if he was lazy, he could have ordered grocery delivery. Yikes.

Yeah. OP this is not your fault. But as women on here warned, it is now up to you to prevent-sorry! It sucks. So just say no to this, guests on xmas AM, in laws, etc. only start permitting little by little as you both prove you can handle. Make your husband responsible for his family starting now (gifts, boundaries)

[Anonymous]

Are you just looking like an a-hole or are you actually an a-hole? The answer you seek is within you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, the burden of running a household falls entirely on the DW and her failure to plan. Thanks DCUM for your wonderful advice. Now excuse me as I step into my time machine and take all your advice. -OP

Your husband is an ass for not being helpful when all he had to do were two simple tasks when he's been home all day. I cannot believe these women are making this your fault for not planning better when in reality your husband simply didn't give a shit about taking care of some basic stuff to make things a tiny bit easier for his wife.

I'd be annoyed too. Maybe things could have been planned better but even if he was lazy, he could have ordered grocery delivery. Yikes.

Yeah. OP this is not your fault. But as women on here warned, it is now up to you to prevent-sorry! It sucks. So just say no to this, guests on xmas AM, in laws, etc. only start permitting little by little as you both prove you can handle. Make your husband responsible for his family starting now (gifts, boundaries)

Op here. This is good advice. Thank you. Holidays make me feel like I’m pulled in all directions with work and family commitments. My position is mandatory and we have to have social workers on staff on holidays to respond to calls that come in for intake. Holidays are determined far in advance. I thought I could do it all this year with DH’s help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. Don’t rely on him next time. My DH has ADHD and I would never count on him to wash my clothes.

Come on, all it sounds like he had to do was move clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. What kind of person are you that married someone who is literally incapable of being an adult? Shit, I could move the laundry along when I was a kid in middle to late elementary school.

+1 I’m astonished by the men some of these women on this board marry, the things they let them get away with, and the excuses they make. He’s an adult, not a child. If he can’t move laundry from the washer to dryer and get groceries how is he functioning in every day life?!

Because these were not priorities for him. He had clean clothes on his body when he left at 3pm. He probably doesn't give a shit about what they're going to eat for Christmas Day breakfast. He functions in his every day life by taking care of himself and his immediate needs.

I wouldn't marry the guy either, but I also think this type of person can sometimes seem ok before kids are introduced or women overlook it because they want to have a husband/kids and it's not so annoying in the beginning.

This. Full stop. The ADHD has always existed and always been a problem but so many women here are so desperate that they ignore the flashing lights in front of them and just proceed full steam ahead. Then it’s hundreds of threads a year with the same complaints over and over.

[Anonymous]

OP,
My husband has ADHD and went off meds (that's another discussion). There have been plenty of incidents over the years, but we have both learned from them.

In this situation, knowing my husband, I would have texted at noon--just a reminder, honey, to make sure to change the laundry over and pick up some things for breakfast tomorrow. See you later!

While it may be annoying and infantilizing, it works with my husband. He is always willing, just gets distracted and forgets.

You and he are about to have some major stressors added to your life, so I suggest you figure out some ways to address them. Its never been helpful, in my experience, to hold onto resentment (though anger is natural), because you get into a resentment/guilt/avoidance situation.

Here are a few things I have learned:

put things in writing, and then remind via phone or text/check in.

never put more than 3 tasks or pieces of inmportant info in a single note==most likely my DH will focus on the 1st or maybe 2 and then miss the third

Never expect that he's fully read and digested a note or text--check in.

Play to each other's strengths. DH is terrible with finances, any sort of paperwork, enrollments/future planning, getting clothes for the kids in correct sizes. He is great at grocery shopping (and willing to go back 2x for what he's forgotten), taking the kids to do fun things, taking my car in/dealing with immediate issues. He likes the instant gratification of stuff that doesn't take forethought and can be executed now--so he does a ton of errands, runs things to the dump, etc. He is naturally messy, but will clean up if given directions--he likes larger tackle it all now tasks, like cleaning out the garage for 3 hours, or doing all the lawn work, but he is not going to go around picking up things and sorting drawers.

Mostly, I have to be very explicit in what I want him to do, and when, but also not become a martyr and obsess over it. Life is too short! We also try to thank each other for the positive things, rather than focus on the negative, so whenever I am annoyed that DH didn't do x,y,z, I turn it around and realize that he has done p,r,q.

[Anonymous]

Again, ADHD is sneaky like this. Since it an executive function deficit, it doesn't show up unless the person reaches his or her limit for multitasking and planning.

So usually you can marry such a single person looking after his/her own needs and nothing else, and think they're totally normal. it's when you add in senior responsibilities at work, childcare and house maintenance, and possibly health worries, elderly parents, that it all goes to hell.

This is what happened to me and to many others.

If I knew how debilitating my spouse's ADHD was going to be, how difficult for our marriage, how challenging for his now defunct career, how it was going to transmit itself to my child in an extreme way, I would not have married him!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you STILL planned a family event the day after getting back from a trip, and in a day when you had to work? That was stupid. And your fault, too. You should have realized you and he were trying to do too much.

This. But in a nicer way. You should have either pushed to get off work early or told your in laws that you couldn’t make it.

Maybe, if your DH begged, tell him that you will come for the last 30 minutes of the party of the house is completely clean and the refrigerator stocked. Sometimes, if you have a day off, it’s easier to get a lot done than a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have planned better. Your husband should not have given you a hard time for not showing up.

The only mistake op made was going to the grocery store. She says they had just returned from vacation. It's Christmas Eve. So, op looked at the situation and made a plan. Her plan was to have her husband, who had the day off, take care of these few very simple tasks.

That said, since dh failed, I would have 1. Put clothes in dryer. 2. Taken a shower. 3. Zipped on over to the inlaw's house. I would have had dh stop for groceries on the way home from the inlaw's house, or had him go first thing in the morning.

Op, by going to the store instead of to their house, you were trying to punish him, right? That's a very passive aggressive way to deal with him.