Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas

[Anonymous]

OP while you would have preferred to shower and change after work, in reality you could have gone to DH's family right after work. You are 6 months pregnant so it wouldn't have mattered if you were showered and dressed up. Then on way home from families you drive straight home and tell your DH to stop at grocery store.
You could have showered then and changed into pajamas. And when your DH got home you could have told him to put clothes in dryer for next day.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I didn’t get to the end of all this but my DH has ADHD. You have TWO children now OP.

[Anonymous]

Damn. Don’t have kids with this guy.

[Anonymous]

Team OP. The guy could’ve taken an hour to move her laundry and grab some groceries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team OP. The guy could’ve taken an hour to move her laundry and grab some groceries.

Of course he could have but OP can't control him. She can control herself and her own choices are what make her look like she skipped Christmas. She did not HAVE to get the groceries as we've all repeated, he could have on the way home, and she could also have left the laundry for him. She decided to do it all right then knowing it would make her very late or entirely miss Christmas and then is pissy thats what happened.

[Anonymous]

Grocery stores aren't typically open all night on Christmas Eve, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You prioritized laundry and groceries over his family. It is simple.

Are you drunk? She’s pregnant with no clean clothes and the ones she was wearing had been around drugs and poverty and filth all day. She’s a social worker. It’s not unreasonable for her to expect her husband to take 90 seconds to move some clothes from washer to dryer so she can have Christmas dinner in clean clothes.

OP, I’d make a joke of how inept he is next time you see his family, just tell them the story honestly and how you were furious at him that you had to miss dinner with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. Don’t rely on him next time. My DH has ADHD and I would never count on him to wash my clothes.

Come on, all it sounds like he had to do was move clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. What kind of person are you that married someone who is literally incapable of being an adult? Shit, I could move the laundry along when I was a kid in middle to late elementary school.

+1 I’m astonished by the men some of these women on this board marry, the things they let them get away with, and the excuses they make. He’s an adult, not a child. If he can’t move laundry from the washer to dryer and get groceries how is he functioning in every day life?!

Agreed. Don't breed with people who can't take responsibility. ADHD is no excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You prioritized laundry and groceries over his family. It is simple.

Are you drunk? She’s pregnant with no clean clothes and the ones she was wearing had been around drugs and poverty and filth all day. She’s a social worker. It’s not unreasonable for her to expect her husband to take 90 seconds to move some clothes from washer to dryer so she can have Christmas dinner in clean clothes.

OP, I’d make a joke of how inept he is next time you see his family, just tell them the story honestly and how you were furious at him that you had to miss dinner with them.

Thank you, PP. Yes, a shower and clean clothes are an absolute necessity. I would not want to potentially expose DH’s family to the things I’m exposed to: germs, filth, bodily fluids. When you step foot in a home with a urine saturated floor and there’s vomit or poop everywhere, you need to change your clothes and shower. I strip down in the garage most days.

Also - groceries were needed. I didn’t know in that moment what the store hours were on a Christmas Day, or if they were open at all. Also I was starving and there wasn’t much to eat at home. I knew any food at DH’s family’s house would have been left out and picked over so I needed to get something to eat for myself quickly. They weren’t serving a meal - just appetizers and they started celebrating at 3. They’re not food cautious and will leave seafood dips out for 4+ hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey.

Wait until the kid arrives.

You should have skipped the groceries (yes there are grocery stores open on Christmas morning) and found something ill-fitting to wear over there. And then you open the can of whoop ass on him after you've shown up for Christmas Eve and checked that box.

I am being sincere when I say that if you're going to co-parent with a spouse with unmanaged ADHD, get ready to sort all the shit out on your own and manage where everybody is supposed to be and what needs to get done and nobody cares how the sausage gets made in between. That is cold reality. So plan around him and you will avoid arguments down the road.

+1

And for gods sake, treat that ADHD before the baby comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. Don’t rely on him next time. My DH has ADHD and I would never count on him to wash my clothes.

Come on, all it sounds like he had to do was move clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. What kind of person are you that married someone who is literally incapable of being an adult? Shit, I could move the laundry along when I was a kid in middle to late elementary school.

+1 I’m astonished by the men some of these women on this board marry, the things they let them get away with, and the excuses they make. He’s an adult, not a child. If he can’t move laundry from the washer to dryer and get groceries how is he functioning in every day life?!

Agreed. Don't breed with people who can't take responsibility. ADHD is no excuse.

Responding to myself. I forgot to say I am also a social worker and home visits are disgusting. When I did them, I would come home and take off my clothes in the front hallway, then put them directly into the wash. No way would I stay in them for longer than necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey.

Wait until the kid arrives.

You should have skipped the groceries (yes there are grocery stores open on Christmas morning) and found something ill-fitting to wear over there. And then you open the can of whoop ass on him after you've shown up for Christmas Eve and checked that box.

I am being sincere when I say that if you're going to co-parent with a spouse with unmanaged ADHD, get ready to sort all the shit out on your own and manage where everybody is supposed to be and what needs to get done and nobody cares how the sausage gets made in between. That is cold reality. So plan around him and you will avoid arguments down the road.

+1

And for gods sake, treat that ADHD before the baby comes.

In all honesty, 99% of crises are diverted because I plan and do everything in regards to household management. I make sure the bills are paid, there’s money in the accounts, meals are planned, his laundry and lunches are made and there’s groceries in the fridge. Honestly DH at the grocery store is a nightmare and our bills end up being $300+ because he gets distracted. I have come to not mind this, especially because DH is excellent at everything outdoors - he can fix anything, mows the lawn, does the yucky stuff like cleaning the gutters or taking the garbage out and household repairs.

I hold down everything inside the house. He manages everything outside. The dynamic has worked well. He was running other errands that day too: picking up last minute gifts, wrapping gifts, etc so in all likelihood he got distracted but it’s still frustrating as hell.

DH does not want to medicate his ADHD but our therapist has recommended diet and supplements that we are going to try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. Don’t rely on him next time. My DH has ADHD and I would never count on him to wash my clothes.

Come on, all it sounds like he had to do was move clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. What kind of person are you that married someone who is literally incapable of being an adult? Shit, I could move the laundry along when I was a kid in middle to late elementary school.

+1 I’m astonished by the men some of these women on this board marry, the things they let them get away with, and the excuses they make. He’s an adult, not a child. If he can’t move laundry from the washer to dryer and get groceries how is he functioning in every day life?!

Agreed. Don't breed with people who can't take responsibility. ADHD is no excuse.

Responding to myself. I forgot to say I am also a social worker and home visits are disgusting. When I did them, I would come home and take off my clothes in the front hallway, then put them directly into the wash. No way would I stay in them for longer than necessary.

Yes they absolutely are. No way in hell was I going from a nasty home and then going to hug relatives in my work clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey.

Wait until the kid arrives.

You should have skipped the groceries (yes there are grocery stores open on Christmas morning) and found something ill-fitting to wear over there. And then you open the can of whoop ass on him after you've shown up for Christmas Eve and checked that box.

I am being sincere when I say that if you're going to co-parent with a spouse with unmanaged ADHD, get ready to sort all the shit out on your own and manage where everybody is supposed to be and what needs to get done and nobody cares how the sausage gets made in between. That is cold reality. So plan around him and you will avoid arguments down the road.

+1

And for gods sake, treat that ADHD before the baby comes.

In all honesty, 99% of crises are diverted because I plan and do everything in regards to household management. I make sure the bills are paid, there’s money in the accounts, meals are planned, his laundry and lunches are made and there’s groceries in the fridge. Honestly DH at the grocery store is a nightmare and our bills end up being $300+ because he gets distracted. I have come to not mind this, especially because DH is excellent at everything outdoors - he can fix anything, mows the lawn, does the yucky stuff like cleaning the gutters or taking the garbage out and household repairs.

I hold down everything inside the house. He manages everything outside. The dynamic has worked well. He was running other errands that day too: picking up last minute gifts, wrapping gifts, etc so in all likelihood he got distracted but it’s still frustrating as hell.

DH does not want to medicate his ADHD but our therapist has recommended diet and supplements that we are going to try.

Wow. Good luck parenting with this guy. Your life is about to get 20x harder, no joke. Think not being able to trust your husband buckled the baby in the car seat or hell, even remembered to drop the baby off at daycare before parking the car all day at work. How does this guy function.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, the burden of running a household falls entirely on the DW and her failure to plan. Thanks DCUM for your wonderful advice. Now excuse me as I step into my time machine and take all your advice. -OP

Lol

What kinds of responses did you think you’d get?

You know he has ADD and can’t handle this stuff. You said it yourself.

Either accept that and plan better or divorce him.