Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas

[Anonymous]

DH’s family all gets together on Christmas evening. I had to work until 6PM and the plan was that I would come home afterwards, get ready, and then stop by DH’s parents house after work. I’m a social worker and had multiple home visits on Christmas Eve and was in serious need of a shower after work.

DH left at 3PM, he had the entire day off. I had asked DH while I was at work to move my laundry, clean the fridge out, and pick up something for Christmas breakfast. We didn’t have anything in the fridge except for food that needed to be thrown out. I didn’t have clean clothes that fit (6 months pregnant and my wardrobe is limited right now). When I got home, my clothes were soaking wet and there was no food in the fridge. We had returned home late from a vacation the evening prior and hadn’t had time to do laundry or grocery shop. I rushed to the grocery store to get some groceries and was home by 7PM because the store was nightmarishly busy and moved the laundry. DH was blowing up my phone the entire time, I hopped in the shower at 7:30 but by the time I got out at 7:45 DH said he was in his way home.

DH complained that I didn’t show up. I didn’t have the time because he a) left me a chores that he was supposed to do and b) he left early! He said everyone was asking where I was. I’m so annoyed. This was not my fault but I end up looking like the one who snubbed Christmas.

DH has ADHD and is easily distracted, I’ve found if I ask him direct tasks he will do them but not all in order or in a timely manner. I’ve forgiven him but seriously frustrated that he couldn’t pull his weight to make my life a little easier.

[Anonymous]

Things will be 10x worse if you have children.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. He's in the wrong. ADHD is not an excuse for doing stuff.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. Don’t rely on him next time. My DH has ADHD and I would never count on him to wash my clothes.

[Anonymous]

Oh honey.

Wait until the kid arrives.

You should have skipped the groceries (yes there are grocery stores open on Christmas morning) and found something ill-fitting to wear over there. And then you open the can of whoop ass on him after you've shown up for Christmas Eve and checked that box.

I am being sincere when I say that if you're going to co-parent with a spouse with unmanaged ADHD, get ready to sort all the shit out on your own and manage where everybody is supposed to be and what needs to get done and nobody cares how the sausage gets made in between. That is cold reality. So plan around him and you will avoid arguments down the road.

[Anonymous]

I rarely respond to these threads because I used to be like you and millions of other women are like you ...

Now, with some distance, I can see that much of what you complain about is due to you! Please, OP, take a step back and read your own thread objectively and see what you are doing to yourself - in your acts and, to top it off, your thoughts now.

P.S. There is a lot wrong with what your husband did, but you must start with yourself. Set boundaries now, you are about to become a mother and life will only get crazier.

P.P.S. Merry belated Christmas to you! be kind to yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. Don’t rely on him next time. My DH has ADHD and I would never count on him to wash my clothes.

Come on, all it sounds like he had to do was move clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. What kind of person are you that married someone who is literally incapable of being an adult? Shit, I could move the laundry along when I was a kid in middle to late elementary school.

[Anonymous]

With an ADHD spouse be prepared either to compensate for him or let things go. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. Don’t rely on him next time. My DH has ADHD and I would never count on him to wash my clothes.

Come on, all it sounds like he had to do was move clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. What kind of person are you that married someone who is literally incapable of being an adult? Shit, I could move the laundry along when I was a kid in middle to late elementary school.

+1 I’m astonished by the men some of these women on this board marry, the things they let them get away with, and the excuses they make. He’s an adult, not a child. If he can’t move laundry from the washer to dryer and get groceries how is he functioning in every day life?!

[Anonymous]

Not sure why you prioritized grocery shopping over stopping by your in-laws on Christmas! There are plenty of places to grab food if you don't have any in the house for a meal. It seems like you made up excuses to miss the gathering so I'd be pissed if I was your DH too. How in the world did you think you'd still have time to get showered, dressed and drive over there if you squeezed in a grocery shopping trip on Christmas and didn't even get off until 6?!

[Anonymous]

So you STILL planned a family event the day after getting back from a trip, and in a day when you had to work? That was stupid. And your fault, too. You should have realized you and he were trying to do too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things will be 10x worse if you have children.

WHEN. She said she's pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Your life sounds chaotic and completely unorganized. I’m not sure blaming your DH will help. You had no clean laundry and nothing in the house to eat? That’s a failure to plan on your part. Why would anyone go to the grocery store on Christmas Eve? That’s just insanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why you prioritized grocery shopping over stopping by your in-laws on Christmas! There are plenty of places to grab food if you don't have any in the house for a meal. It seems like you made up excuses to miss the gathering so I'd be pissed if I was your DH too. How in the world did you think you'd still have time to get showered, dressed and drive over there if you squeezed in a grocery shopping trip on Christmas and didn't even get off until 6?!

DH was supposed to do this. And yes - in the moment I prioritized having food in the house and avoiding going out at 9AM on a Christmas morning to pick up DH’s slack, we were expecting some friends/family to stop by in the morning so I wanted to make sure I at least had coffee and snacks to serve them.

I was not initially supposed to go grocery shopping - DH was supposed to. He had been sitting around all day and hadn’t done a single thing I asked him to do. It’s fine to have expectations of my husband when I have to work and he has the day off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. Don’t rely on him next time. My DH has ADHD and I would never count on him to wash my clothes.

Come on, all it sounds like he had to do was move clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. What kind of person are you that married someone who is literally incapable of being an adult? Shit, I could move the laundry along when I was a kid in middle to late elementary school.

+1 I’m astonished by the men some of these women on this board marry, the things they let them get away with, and the excuses they make. He’s an adult, not a child. If he can’t move laundry from the washer to dryer and get groceries how is he functioning in every day life?!

Because these were not priorities for him. He had clean clothes on his body when he left at 3pm. He probably doesn't give a shit about what they're going to eat for Christmas Day breakfast. He functions in his every day life by taking care of himself and his immediate needs.

I wouldn't marry the guy either, but I also think this type of person can sometimes seem ok before kids are introduced or women overlook it because they want to have a husband/kids and it's not so annoying in the beginning.