Man wanting to dance with daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he from another culture? Often this might happen when adults think dancing is fund and kids are too shy to dance, as long as it is not violent grabbing. In many countries, parents will try to get the kids to dance at such events, of on holidays where there is a band and dancing, like at beach vacation in the evenings when there is nice entertainment. Honestly, OP, you were there, was this somewhat innocent, or was this inappropriate? Moms know.

He is from a different background from myself but we are both born and raised here. I don't think this is relevant at all and you probably couldn't even guess the guys background from this discussion.

+1

Why are some trying to make excuses for this guy?

“Maybe he’s from another culture. Maybe he was just drunk and therefore obviously harmless and just having fun. Maybe OP had drank too much. What was the song?”

I’m team OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, I know its complicated. I hope I was right and don't feel great about this happening at all. But its made me think a lot about what one should do when something clearly wrong happens. How can anyone be completely right when a situation goes so wrong or how wrong can someone be when responding to a bad situation.

Someone earlier mentioned #metoo. I don't consider myself a liberal more of a centrist and I haven't been pleased with all aspects of whats going on with this movement. However, I'd be lying if I didn't express that in that moment I briefly thought of the video where Weinstein had the reporter in his hotel room and she couldn't bring herself to do or say anything to get herself out of the situation.

Maybe one reason is that so many of us women have been conditioned to walk a very fine line when it comes to "confrontation".

On one hand, we know we're supposed to "speak up" and "do the right thing". But on the other hand, we're supposed to be "polite" and "considerate of other people's feelings." And we're certainly not supposed to "make a scene" or ruin someone's party or good time.

OP, in the moment you knew that what he was doing was WRONG. And you knew you had to help your DD handle it. So you did. It was 100% the right thing to do.

So why do you feel bad after the fact? Maybe because you know the guy felt bad (embarassed, confused, angry etc.) and/or that your friends feel bad (again, embarassed, confused, angry) because you interfered with their "good time"? And a part of us believes we're supposed to navigate everything perfectly so no one's feathers get ruffled.

(Think of the PP who suggested you say, "Thanks anyway, but she doesn't want to dance." -- Sorry, but that's complete BS. I'm all for being polite when appropriate, but no, we don't thank people for aggressively trying to override us when we say "no"!)

But sometimes we can't make everyone happy. Sometimes we can't protect ourselves (or our loved ones) without embarassing or angering someone else.

Your mention of the Weinstein reporter is exactly the type of thing I think about, too. I was in a situation like that as a teen, and I'm grateful that somehow I had picked up the message that it was ok (more than ok!) to protect myself, even at the expense of someone else's feelings. Had I tried to "balance" things or navigate it "perfectly", I'm not sure I would have come out of it ok.

Bottom line: Stop beating yourself up about this. You did the right thing. Period. If your friends blame you for the way you handled that guy's grossly inappropriate conduct, shake it off. You're a great mom with great instincts, and your DD is very lucky to have you!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm in the minority, but I do think you overreacted a bit. Sounds like he was drunk and being foolish/overly friendly. I would have simply placed myself between him and her, and said she doesn't want to dance, thanks anyway. If he didn't back off at that point, I might have pushed him though!

I agree with you. I think OP over reacted. Pushing him and yelling at him? Way to cause a scene and probably not be invited to future parties.

Who cares about future parties?

The drunk guy didn’t take no for an answer. He stepped over the line when he grabbed the child’s arm. How, exactly, is that EVER okay?

One of the men should have stepped forward and schooled the guy - I’d be disappointed that this didn’t happen.
Since it didn’t - yes, he needed correcting.

Why are you seeking group approval though? Do the job and move on, woman. Don’t be insecure.
Your daughter learned a good lesson here too.

OP is the dad, not the mom.

[Anonymous]

I would have been so mad that some sleepy dude was hitting on my 11 year old daughter I don’t know what I would have done in my state of blind rage.
Or really - anyone’s preteen/teen daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm in the minority, but I do think you overreacted a bit. Sounds like he was drunk and being foolish/overly friendly. I would have simply placed myself between him and her, and said she doesn't want to dance, thanks anyway. If he didn't back off at that point, I might have pushed him though!

I agree with you. I think OP over reacted. Pushing him and yelling at him? Way to cause a scene and probably not be invited to future parties.

Who cares about future parties?

The drunk guy didn’t take no for an answer. He stepped over the line when he grabbed the child’s arm. How, exactly, is that EVER okay?

One of the men should have stepped forward and schooled the guy - I’d be disappointed that this didn’t happen.
Since it didn’t - yes, he needed correcting.

Why are you seeking group approval though? Do the job and move on, woman. Don’t be insecure.
Your daughter learned a good lesson here too.

OP IS A MAN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have been so mad that some SKEEVY dude was hitting on my 11 year old daughter
I don’t know what I would have done in my state of blind rage.
Or really - anyone’s preteen/teen daughter.

I would have been so mad that some SKEEVY dude was hitting on my 11 year old daughter
I don’t know what I would have done in my state of blind rage.
Or really - anyone’s preteen/teen daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm in the minority, but I do think you overreacted a bit. Sounds like he was drunk and being foolish/overly friendly. I would have simply placed myself between him and her, and said she doesn't want to dance, thanks anyway. If he didn't back off at that point, I might have pushed him though!

I agree with you. I think OP over reacted. Pushing him and yelling at him? Way to cause a scene and probably not be invited to future parties.

Who cares about future parties?

The drunk guy didn’t take no for an answer. He stepped over the line when he grabbed the child’s arm. How, exactly, is that EVER okay?

One of the men should have stepped forward and schooled the guy - I’d be disappointed that this didn’t happen.
Since it didn’t - yes, he needed correcting.

Why are you seeking group approval though? Do the job and move on, woman. Don’t be insecure.
Your daughter learned a good lesson here too.

OP IS A MAN.

I would expect OP would have ya ken the guy outside and punched him in the face repeatedly. OP showers great restraint.
That OP is questioning this is weird.

[Anonymous]

You showed your daughter that you are willing to stand up for her and that no means no.

FFS-If more men stepped up when women were being harrassed we wouldn't need a #metoo movement.

[Anonymous]

Team OP. Leave no doubt. 11 is far too young to leave your daughter wondering whether she is somehow responsible for the feelings of an adult man who wants something from her after she has already said no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he from another culture? Often this might happen when adults think dancing is fund and kids are too shy to dance, as long as it is not violent grabbing. In many countries, parents will try to get the kids to dance at such events, of on holidays where there is a band and dancing, like at beach vacation in the evenings when there is nice entertainment. Honestly, OP, you were there, was this somewhat innocent, or was this inappropriate? Moms know.

He is from a different background from myself but we are both born and raised here. I don't think this is relevant at all and you probably couldn't even guess the guys background from this discussion.

+1

Why are some trying to make excuses for this guy?

“Maybe he’s from another culture. Maybe he was just drunk and therefore obviously harmless and just having fun. Maybe OP had drank too much. What was the song?”

I’m team OP

Read my follow up post when I read it was a one on one dance, I posted this before I saw that...In my next post I clearly say, I take it back, guy is a pervert. I imagined some chicken dance, which this clearly was not.

[Anonymous]

Team OP also.
Even if it's the hokey pokey, if she doesn't want to dance no one should coerce her.

[Anonymous]

I got from the original post is a guy.
I think you did fine. You can bet that the other parents there will keep an eye on this man when their daughters are around.

You left the party early, so how can you be sure that your friends sided with him? And if they did, well f' them.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand having second thoughts even when your reaction is right in the moment. I recently had a kinda similar experience that involved shouting at a guy who was doing something extremely irresponsible and endangering others. I was right to shout (it was an urgent situation), but I was upset in the moment and second guessed myself afterward, partly because of how other people reacted.

Other people saw a big angry guy yelling at a skinny older guy and reacted to that rather than what happened. Their perceptions of what happened were shaped by that, not by the event. I talked to bystanders after the guy left, and they at first claimed to have seen a couple of things that absolutely did not happen. When I challenged them, they backtracked, admiting that they hadn’t really personally seen anything (“someone said you did X”), and that skinny older guy was a known problem (actually suggesting that calling the cops on him might be appropriate), but initially they were against me because I was loud.

I think your “friends” saw the push and not what happened before it, so their perceptions are shaped by that. You know what you saw, and it sucks that other people don’t realize that, but the only person whose perception matters is your daughter (and maybe creepy guy who will learn a lesson).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm in the minority, but I do think you overreacted a bit. Sounds like he was drunk and being foolish/overly friendly. I would have simply placed myself between him and her, and said she doesn't want to dance, thanks anyway. If he didn't back off at that point, I might have pushed him though!

This.

Op here I would’ve have gladly placed myself between them if it was physically possible. She was in a soft arm chair curled up and he was literally crouched down on top of her both hands grabbing her.

Oh hell no. You were justified and too bad if there was a scene - some drunk dude cowering over a little girl? Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You showed your daughter that you are willing to stand up for her and that no means no.

FFS-If more men stepped up when women were being harrassed we wouldn't need a #metoo movement.

It seriously would have even better if the mom had roughed the guy up.

It’s super strange that a man would have behaved this way right in front of a girls’ father. OP maybe you need to stop giving off ‘I’m a wuss’ vibes?
Men are quite useful to a family or group in that their presence typically keeps other men in line (sorry guys but some of you are savages). Do you realize that? This is one of your unspoken jobs. Don’t be sorry for doing it.

Or was this guy just really messed up? That this man would act this way right in front of you honestly sounds like a dangerous situation.