WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.

[Anonymous]

Definitely reach out to the athlete and let them know what happened. Most athletes have an anti-bullying platform. Public shaming via IG from their idol will do more than anything you can accomplish.

[Anonymous]

OP, so very sorry to hear what these girls did to your daughter. This is bullying.

You need to write an email to all parents and the coach. Please write about how shocked and devastated your daughter was, how this is bullying, how she will continue to be on the team if she wants to, how you think the coach and parents need to intervene to build up the team and not tolerate the mean behavior.

End by saying - you are there to support your daughter because she is the one who was wronged and devastated. You are watching carefully to see what the steps the coach and parents will take to make you decide if you and your daughter are a part of this community or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back -- I don't believe the coach knows and my DD has asked me not to mention it.

I agree that this is on the parent and I am befuddled by this. I wonder if parent knew or didn't.

The girl who arranged it should be kicked off the team. She's a bully.

[Anonymous]

Retain counsel to explore potential lawsuits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back -- I don't believe the coach knows and my DD has asked me not to mention it.

I agree that this is on the parent and I am befuddled by this. I wonder if parent knew or didn't.

The girl who arranged it should be kicked off the team. She's a bully.

This. Its unsporting behavior not befitting a team member. You don't act like a team member you don't get to be on the team. Isn't that always the unspoken and sometimes the spoken rule?

Also OP also I just want to say I am really sorry your DD went through this.

[Anonymous]

i would forward this link and your letter to the celebrity that your daughter was supposed to meet. Let the celebrity publicity team decide as to what steps they may want to take to show support against bullying, and share with their followers on social media. I think that would be a constructive outcome of something that is so petty and mean, because it educates people.

Meet with people and organization that stand up against bullying and empower yourself and your daughter without becoming nasty or name calling. When people go low, you go high.

In the end, this will be a great story to tell to college admissions people, if you can get over the personal hurt and channel your anger towards more constructive outcomes.

- Marketing professional and a "Mama Bear"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back, this has been so helpful, thank you all for posting. Here are some of my takeaways:

This really was bullying.

Not saying something would force my DD to "keep the peace" and essentially be a victim twice.

OK to tell coach because this is unsportsmanlike behavior and he should know that two teammates are bullying other(s).

She gets to decide whether to stay or go.

Other parents may or may not have known.

Arranger-Parent likely wouldn't care.

Did I get all that right? Anything else?

NP here, yes OP, that's exactly how I feel about this, except for the part about the arranger-parent. I just don't know. I want to believe that the parent didn't know and wouldn't condone it, especially as you say you have been friends with all the parents.

This is truly awful, you and your kid have every right to feel it deeply, and something must be done. The coach has to know, and, while I'm not sure that the punishment has to be that the two instigators are kicked off the team permanently if they apologize, sanctions of some kind do seem appropriate. And the fact that the other teammates were complicit has to be addressed too. This is a huge learning moment for those girls. Adults have to step in and make sure the learning happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back -- I don't believe the coach knows and my DD has asked me not to mention it.

I agree that this is on the parent and I am befuddled by this. I wonder if parent knew or didn't.

In high school, the child needs to self-advocate. Do. Not. Get. Involved.

Disagree. This is a whole team versus one person. You are the parent and you need to have your daughters back and get involved. Very few kids could advocate on their own in this situation. She needs a little help and you need to do the right thing and tell their parents in the coach and the school what happened. It’s the only way they can move forward from what now I’m sure is a very awkward and bad situation for all.

[Anonymous]

Also look in your school manual to see what the bullying policy says. In particular, if there are specific steps you are supposed to take to repot, do that, if not don't just go to the coach, go to the head of school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, so very sorry to hear what these girls did to your daughter. This is bullying.

You need to write an email to all parents and the coach. Please write about how shocked and devastated your daughter was, how this is bullying, how she will continue to be on the team if she wants to, how you think the coach and parents need to intervene to build up the team and not tolerate the mean behavior.

End by saying - you are there to support your daughter because she is the one who was wronged and devastated. You are watching carefully to see what the steps the coach and parents will take to make you decide if you and your daughter are a part of this community or not.

DO NOT include any parents until you have spoken to the coach and principal yourself.

Those parents will cluster to protect their children from consequences and the easiest way to do that is to paint your daughter as mistaken or unreliable. Don’t give them a heads up until you have a firm plan in place with the coaches. Also, if you alert the parents they will coach their daughters on what to say so they don’t get in trouble. The best way to get to the truth is for the coach to talk to each girl individually.

Don’t show your hand to people who only stand to lose by this coming out.

[Anonymous]

I normally say stay out of it, OP. But in this case, and in a few cases, I would say contact the coach and see how the coach reacts. It was not a school sanctioned event, so there might be little if anything that the coach can do. Your DD will have to decide for herself if she wants to stay on that team.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

[Anonymous]

Agree do not notify the parents they will definitely circle the wagons!

[Anonymous]

You are too invested into your JV sport. Find some other interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

l

Terrible advice all around.