DH’s sister is an addict

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I wonder at all the posters urging OP to "understand" her SIL better or to have more sympathy for her. To what end? Addicts are takers, losers and selfish to the core. The more distance you can put between yourself and an addict, the better.

I suspect most of you posting these passive aggressive "addiction is complex" BS posts are yourselves codependent with addicts in your own lives, and you just can't stand that OP has such a healthy distance from her add

Actually no. I’m a rare bird in that no one in my immediate family has addiction issues with alcohol or drugs. It sounds like you do, and I’m sorry for the pain it’s caused you and your family.

Different poster than any of the above. But +1

Another NP, +1.

Hey all of you people dealing with horrible substance abuse issues and unable to muster anymore empathy or resources for the addict, here are some sanctimonious, inexperienced asshats with some advice, condescension, and pity for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could never turn my back on my sister or my child. I fell for OP’s in-laws and husband. Addiction is a horrific disease. Families support the weakest member all the time.

OP here. This kind of attitude is how families end up with addicts to coddle. From her childhood, they made excuses for her and justified their enabling of her selfishness and laziness with the same rationale you offer here: She’s weak/hurt/young/whatever. And a selfish lazy child with childish problems grew into a selfish lazy adult with problems of epic proportions. If you are an enabler who can’t make tough decisions, there is always an excuse to enable others.

You are going to lose your husband, OP. Take it down a notch or twenty. This is his sister and his family you are bad mouthing and he is one of them - not one of you. Don't forget that. Your husband is more like the diatribe you just unloaded above than he is like you.

You know what you want and I have no clue how to help you but to tell you to lighten the judgement if you want to keep your family together. You say all the above to your husband and his sister kills herself - then you will not be forgiven.

THIS! Help your husband in all this and stop your petty bullshit, OP. This is his sister!

This. Yes, this. You are going to lose your marriage if you don’t calm down, OP.

[Anonymous]

You just have to get DH on your side. If he isn't willing to keep sister on his dime he needs to express this to his parents now.

[Anonymous]

OP here. All of the replies here are really helpful. I kind of chuckled at the responses calling upon me to have more sympathy because I used to be have such lofty standards too until I actually had real life experience with an addict.

Now, I know that, in most cases, the selfish, asshole traits come first and contribute to addiction, not the other way around. Funny how all this sympathy for and rationalizing of addiction didn’t exist in the 80s and 90s when blacks were the face of addiction.

Anyway, I am working on getting DH on board. It will take many talks, I think. His parents are very manipulative and have been priming him to take over care of them AND SIL in order to give themselves peace of mind. They don’t care about the ramifications for us and our children. The apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree as far as SIL’s selfish ways go.

I would appreciate advice on prying a codependent, guilt-ridden spouse loose from controlling parents. He won’t go to a program for relatives of addicts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I know this is a comforting mantra for some of you enablers but I 100% disagree that "addicts have a disease." It's very convenient that SIL "being sick" allows you to ignore the fact SHE GOT A CLEANING LADY ARRESTED for something she did. This is not a disease. This is a piece of shit sub human and many other addicts are just like her. Be as delusional as you want.

OP here. She has done worse. The woman is unbelievably heartless and her parents don’t care who she hurts as long as the snowflake stays out of prison and they can keep up appearances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If all OP was being expected to provide was empathy, I don't think we'd be seeing this post. She's being slowly but quietly pressed to go along with her in laws and husband enabling the addict, which is why she's angry. It's not as if they're asking for financial help with rehab - they're in denial about the problem and just throwing money at the sister, which allows her to keep using.

OP here. Thank you for understanding. What you have described as my exact problem. In my in laws’ world, I am supposed to look the other way as SIL lies, cheats, and drugs her way through life AND support them financially and emotionally so they can support SIL. Otherwise, I am a bad person who should be shunned. The entitlement and gall are just breathtaking.

[Anonymous]

OP here. For those who are asking why I keep speaking of “my” money, I own stock in a major company that I got as an employee over 15 years ago. It is worth a good deal and as soon as DH slipped and told my in laws, they started making comments about needing financial support and never stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For those who are asking why I keep speaking of “my” money, I own stock in a major company that I got as an employee over 15 years ago. It is worth a good deal and as soon as DH slipped and told my in laws, they started making comments about needing financial support and never stopped.

What a bunch of shameless, money-grubbing losers. I would do the slow fade and retreat from this relationship. You don't need to put up with the moocher or the comments about money. Rude, rude rude.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like your in-laws have no hold over you and your husband except for blood ties. As in, that's their only leverage. They have nothing to leave to their kids or grandkids so why bother to maintain ties with them? Maybe they can have a relationship with your kids but that's it. Just don't put up with their nonsense anymore. It's also quite unusual for white American parents to demand that their adult child takes care of them in old age so I was wondering what your husband's cultural background is. At the same time, I can't imagine it being other than white because coddling addicts doesn't exist in other cultures (I'm Asian FWIW and cannot understand this 'addiction is a disease' mentality either).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For those who are asking why I keep speaking of “my” money, I own stock in a major company that I got as an employee over 15 years ago. It is worth a good deal and as soon as DH slipped and told my in laws, they started making comments about needing financial support and never stopped.

What a bunch of shameless, money-grubbing losers. I would do the slow fade and retreat from this relationship. You don't need to put up with the moocher or the comments about money. Rude, rude rude.

OP here. My exact reaction. I couldn’t believe how obvious they were about having designs on the money. I am keeping it for my children, not them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For those who are asking why I keep speaking of “my” money, I own stock in a major company that I got as an employee over 15 years ago. It is worth a good deal and as soon as DH slipped and told my in laws, they started making comments about needing financial support and never stopped.

OP do they know the actual company? If not maybe you can just pick the next major company to have financial problems in the news and say “oh we lost a lot of money on this”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For those who are asking why I keep speaking of “my” money, I own stock in a major company that I got as an employee over 15 years ago. It is worth a good deal and as soon as DH slipped and told my in laws, they started making comments about needing financial support and never stopped.

What a bunch of shameless, money-grubbing losers. I would do the slow fade and retreat from this relationship. You don't need to put up with the moocher or the comments about money. Rude, rude rude.

OP here. My exact reaction. I couldn’t believe how obvious they were about having designs on the money. I am keeping it for my children, not them.

Also not to be morbid but you will need to do some estate planning to make sure the money goes into some sort of trust to benefit your children and that your ILs will not get custody of your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like your in-laws have no hold over you and your husband except for blood ties. As in, that's their only leverage. They have nothing to leave to their kids or grandkids so why bother to maintain ties with them? Maybe they can have a relationship with your kids but that's it. Just don't put up with their nonsense anymore. It's also quite unusual for white American parents to demand that their adult child takes care of them in old age so I was wondering what your husband's cultural background is. At the same time, I can't imagine it being other than white because coddling addicts doesn't exist in other cultures (I'm Asian FWIW and cannot understand this 'addiction is a disease' mentality either).

OP here. DH is the only reason I bother with my in laws. He is very malleable especially where his father is concerned. I made the bulk of the money they are scheming on before I ever met him, so it’s not his to dispose of. But from time to time, he talks about how we should sell some shares and buy a multifamily house so his parents can “help out” with childcare. I say GTFOH and he comes to his senses again. My in laws live 10 minutes away and have little interest in helping out beyond trying to hand our kids to SIL to prove she is responsible. And yes, they are white. And yes, I agree that fawning over addicts is such a white thing (as long as the addicts are white too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For those who are asking why I keep speaking of “my” money, I own stock in a major company that I got as an employee over 15 years ago. It is worth a good deal and as soon as DH slipped and told my in laws, they started making comments about needing financial support and never stopped.

What a bunch of shameless, money-grubbing losers. I would do the slow fade and retreat from this relationship. You don't need to put up with the moocher or the comments about money. Rude, rude rude.

OP here. My exact reaction. I couldn’t believe how obvious they were about having designs on the money. I am keeping it for my children, not them.

Also not to be morbid but you will need to do some estate planning to make sure the money goes into some sort of trust to benefit your children and that your ILs will not get custody of your children.

OP here. Thanks for reminding me to update my will. A long time ago, I had them listed as caretakers for my kids before I learned the extent of SIL’s issues and my in laws started bringing up money every time they see me. Gotta fix that will asap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For those who are asking why I keep speaking of “my” money, I own stock in a major company that I got as an employee over 15 years ago. It is worth a good deal and as soon as DH slipped and told my in laws, they started making comments about needing financial support and never stopped.

OP do they know the actual company? If not maybe you can just pick the next major company to have financial problems in the news and say “oh we lost a lot of money on this”.

OP here. They know the company and the amount and I am PISSED at DH about it.