What to do about my work spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate completely to this, and think that you are being given a hard time.

Personally, I hate how I feel about my “work spouse”. We have an undeniable chemistry, and I think about him often, despite the acute knowledge that these thoughts are inappropriate. I truly do not want to think about him or have feelings for him.

We have worked together for many years in the legal field (i.e. a decade), and back in August were assigned to a project requiring significant man hours. Ultimately, we spent many hours together on the shared case, and ended up spending crappy late night dinners (so much Chinese food) in a dark conference room. While we focused primarily on our assigned case, by nature our conversation turned to our respective relationships, friendships, future and career goals. Without significant effort, he became a close friend and confidant.

Within a few months my husband and I separated after learning of my husband’s affair (the affair predated the work assignment by several months). During my separation, I leaned heavily on my coworker who had become a close friend. I truly can’t pinpoint when precisely I recongnized that my feelings had become more than just that of friends. There wasn’t any specific moment, or inappropriate interaction. Rather, I found myself looking forward to getting into the office to see him. Similarly, he sought me oout, and was (and is) a constant presence. We have both, albeit indirectly, addressed the chemistry and mutual desire.

Here we are now, several months later. We have been placed together on several additional cases as our partnership was deemed quite successful. We see each other daily, and work together for several hours throughout the day. While we both (perhaps ironically) recognize that we’d be awful in a relationship, we have an undeniably intense sexual desire for one another. I would never want to break up his marriage, or even be with him, but I fantasize far too often about sex with him. Point being, OP, I get how hard it is. I was cheated on by my husband (and remember how shitty that felt!), and yet I find myself constantly fantasizing about a married man, wishing that I wouldn’t. I get how confusing it may feel.

OP here. This is very, very relatable. How did you both, indirectly, acknowledge your mutual attraction?

You just want to bang her, don't you? You are willing to lose EVERYTHING for blinding lust. For goodness sake, at least find someone non-work related so you don't get metoo-ed.

[Anonymous]

dude. Don't have sex with someone at work, you idiot.

[Anonymous]

OP you are clearly looking for validation on your decision to cheat. You are wrong to ask for tips on how to let this now OW know that you are attracted too - and open the door to a sexual relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My coworker and I are both in long term relationships, but work very closely together. I have long suspected that she had a crush on me (stray comments at happy hours where she would gush about how amazing I was, then blush profusely). I never thought much of it until one point last year. It was like a switch went off, and suddenly I was incredibly attracted to her. She’s called me her work husband, which for whatever reason, gets me even more.

There was a happy hour two months ago that we arrived early to and were sitting by ourselves. She joked several times that she was a cheap date.

I have never reacted to any of this, but I’m only human and wow, this is hard.

After that happy hour, I had to work at a client site out of state for a few weeks and that helped to take my mind off everything.

But I’ve been back in the office and working almost exclusively with her again. The project is very demanding, and we’re leaning on each other a lot for emotional support. Well, in particular, she is leaning really hard on me for emotional support to get through the workday. It feels like the level of emotional intimacy between us has gone to another level lately. We’re the only ones who understand the pressure we are under.

So what do I do with this? During my “alone time”, I can’t stop thinking about the two of us becoming physical. I would never take an action on these feelings, but if she moved first, I’m not sure I’m strong enough to say no. There’s a part of me that very much wants it.

So do I go with it? Or do I find a way out of this?

If you value the institution of marriage, and if you love your wife, you find a way out of this.

[Anonymous]

Agree w/ pp.

You are already being unfaithful to the spirit of your marriage.

You are knowingly, consciously, intentionally continuing a manner of behavior that threatens your marriage.

Zero respect here OP. Zero.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here: I am married, but not unhappy. It’s just that I feel myself getting pulled strongly towards my coworker. I never thought of her in that way until her crush on me was obvious. Work has been a unique challenge this year, and we’re a united front against a lot of challenges. When things get hard, she comes down the hall to my office and we get each other through the day.

This is a terrible idea in every way. Splash some cold water on your face and find something else to fantasize about. Do not engage in "emotional support" with your coworker. Be polite, but set some freaking boundaries.

Also tell your wife you suck and she might want to think about leaving.

[Anonymous]

OP -

I found a "soul mate" in a coworker. We didn't have any mutual projects, but saw each other in the office, developed a mutual attraction and found ourselves in an EA (we're both married). We felt comfortable with the work Love to describe our feelings for each other. Over the next 1.5 years, the fog gradually lifted, and we began to see things we didn't like (her Narcissistic on/off, hot/cold, yes/no behavior being one of them). It slowly spiraled, became more contentious, and consumed a lot of "problem solving" thoughts. Try responding honestly to your wife when she asks out of complete concern whether everything is alright because you're constantly frazzled by your work EA. So by mutual agreement (although with completely different perspectives on root cause), we 'broke up". She's since been reassigned to office directly next to mine. Our interactions are civil, cold and awkward. I avoid every common office event so we're not in the same room. Do yourself and those who love you and don't start anything. Under your circumstances, it'll only be fun for a little while. Then it'll blow up and EVERY DAY at work will suck just a little more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:dude. Don't have sex with someone at work, you idiot.

X2. Don’t get metoo’d.