What to do about my work spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All you've told us about her is that she's a needy, psycho, idiot, fu*king bitch who's willing to interfere in someone else's marriage. And you've told us that you're okay with that - even physically attracted to that.

No, I've not been cheated on. No, I'm not bitter.

Cut your dumb d*ck off before you ruin lives.

Sure you are. Being cheated on is not the only way to become bitter. Something made you hate women. And men. Too bad, so sad.

[Anonymous]

I think it's telling OP did not reveal initially that he was married and instead called it a "long term relationship."

OP, tell your wife you are looking for another job because a needy female worker is coming on to you. Then, tell your "work wife" you are applying for other jobs. See what happens. Will she call your wife and "tell" on you? Will she be gracious? You will find out...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's telling OP did not reveal initially that he was married and instead called it a "long term relationship."

OP, tell your wife you are looking for another job because a needy female worker is coming on to you. Then, tell your "work wife" you are applying for other jobs. See what happens. Will she call your wife and "tell" on you? Will she be gracious? You will find out...

Ditto.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two former coworkers had an emotional affair (which is what you are having).

His wife found out, and started harassing my female coworker. She would send threatening emails, and would call the woman on her desk phone and cell phone (the wife went through the husband’s phone and got the numbers from his contacts list) every 15 minutes all day long. She would wait in the parking lot to berate the woman as she was coming and going. One time, she showed up in the lobby of the hotel where we were having a conference, waited for the woman, and started berating her as we were all heading to the airport.

It got so bad, that senior management had to step in. The man was asked to find employment elsewhere. He ended up going to some third-rate organization no one has ever heard of.

Break it off now, OP. This will not end well for you.

Is this for real? The male coworker's wife definitely had issues. What happened to the female coworker?

She stayed at the organization for several years, but definitely wore the scarlet letter. There was no growth potential for her after senior management had to get involved (they felt like they couldn’t fire her, but they didn’t have to promote her).

I felt a little bad for her, because she was smart, and good at her job, and this truly seemed to be a one-time mistake, and she paid for it dearly. It wasn’t like she was the office bicycle by any means, and after he left, she pretty much kept to herself.

She ended up finding a really great opportunity elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Once there is any kind of a physical relationship, she will tell people in the office. She won't be able to help herself. She is a type.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is the one dropping hints and putting him in a bad situation.

This is a classic harassment situation in which she is pressuring him into something that he doesn't want.

I ashamed that more people on this thread are not supporting him! Don't victim blame!

I am 00:25 poster. I support him 100%. I am convinced that he is a victim of female-on-male harassment.

Yeah, woman here and I agree. This is really manipulative and ongoing and the posters who point out that she is very selfish and does not have his best interests at heart at all are spot on. Something similar is going on at my office and the woman has the same moves - lots of visiting, needs support, needs special advice from him, always proposing lunch or happy hour to her target, texts him. Of course we all notice it. We spend all day together. He is the superior and it's hard to see how he can complain. It's a very tough spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's telling OP did not reveal initially that he was married and instead called it a "long term relationship."

OP, tell your wife you are looking for another job because a needy female worker is coming on to you. Then, tell your "work wife" you are applying for other jobs. See what happens. Will she call your wife and "tell" on you? Will she be gracious? You will find out...

Ditto.

+2

[Anonymous]

It doesn't seem very professional of her to be flirting with a married man during work hours. Don't blow up your marriage AND your job (and her marriage). These things never work out well. Then you have to live with yourself when the guilt sets in.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you asked if you should just "go for it" makes me think you really need to take a close look at yourself and your own marriage. Don't be an idiot. This is not going to end well.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are wandering into Fatal Attraction territory. This kind of dalliance could destroy your life.

[Anonymous]

OP, I relate completely to this, and think that you are being given a hard time.

Personally, I hate how I feel about my “work spouse”. We have an undeniable chemistry, and I think about him often, despite the acute knowledge that these thoughts are inappropriate. I truly do not want to think about him or have feelings for him.

We have worked together for many years in the legal field (i.e. a decade), and back in August were assigned to a project requiring significant man hours. Ultimately, we spent many hours together on the shared case, and ended up spending crappy late night dinners (so much Chinese food) in a dark conference room. While we focused primarily on our assigned case, by nature our conversation turned to our respective relationships, friendships, future and career goals. Without significant effort, he became a close friend and confidant.

Within a few months my husband and I separated after learning of my husband’s affair (the affair predated the work assignment by several months). During my separation, I leaned heavily on my coworker who had become a close friend. I truly can’t pinpoint when precisely I recongnized that my feelings had become more than just that of friends. There wasn’t any specific moment, or inappropriate interaction. Rather, I found myself looking forward to getting into the office to see him. Similarly, he sought me oout, and was (and is) a constant presence. We have both, albeit indirectly, addressed the chemistry and mutual desire.

Here we are now, several months later. We have been placed together on several additional cases as our partnership was deemed quite successful. We see each other daily, and work together for several hours throughout the day. While we both (perhaps ironically) recognize that we’d be awful in a relationship, we have an undeniably intense sexual desire for one another. I would never want to break up his marriage, or even be with him, but I fantasize far too often about sex with him. Point being, OP, I get how hard it is. I was cheated on by my husband (and remember how shitty that felt!), and yet I find myself constantly fantasizing about a married man, wishing that I wouldn’t. I get how confusing it may feel.

[Anonymous]

Alyssa Milano, is that you?

[Anonymous]

OP- DO not ruin your marriage or job for lust! Don't do this, please. Get to the root of the issue as to why you would cheat on your wife?? You don't know this person outside of work, or if she has other motives, like a lawsuit. In HR, I see everything...

Please control your emotions, if you have to have an affair, do it with someone OUTSIDE of the office.

[Anonymous]

I find it telling that you had no feelings for her until you noticed she had feelings for you. Additionally, when you worked off site for a few weeks, you stopped thinking about her. That all makes it seem like this relationship is basically just filling some void in you. What are you projecting onto this “work wife”? Do you have a stressful job, and her flirtation takes some stress away? Would you even be attracted to her if you met her for the first time tomorrow? This doesn’t sound healthy and sounds like the perfect way to mess up your marriage and your career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate completely to this, and think that you are being given a hard time.

Personally, I hate how I feel about my “work spouse”. We have an undeniable chemistry, and I think about him often, despite the acute knowledge that these thoughts are inappropriate. I truly do not want to think about him or have feelings for him.

We have worked together for many years in the legal field (i.e. a decade), and back in August were assigned to a project requiring significant man hours. Ultimately, we spent many hours together on the shared case, and ended up spending crappy late night dinners (so much Chinese food) in a dark conference room. While we focused primarily on our assigned case, by nature our conversation turned to our respective relationships, friendships, future and career goals. Without significant effort, he became a close friend and confidant.

Within a few months my husband and I separated after learning of my husband’s affair (the affair predated the work assignment by several months). During my separation, I leaned heavily on my coworker who had become a close friend. I truly can’t pinpoint when precisely I recongnized that my feelings had become more than just that of friends. There wasn’t any specific moment, or inappropriate interaction. Rather, I found myself looking forward to getting into the office to see him. Similarly, he sought me oout, and was (and is) a constant presence. We have both, albeit indirectly, addressed the chemistry and mutual desire.

Here we are now, several months later. We have been placed together on several additional cases as our partnership was deemed quite successful. We see each other daily, and work together for several hours throughout the day. While we both (perhaps ironically) recognize that we’d be awful in a relationship, we have an undeniably intense sexual desire for one another. I would never want to break up his marriage, or even be with him, but I fantasize far too often about sex with him. Point being, OP, I get how hard it is. I was cheated on by my husband (and remember how shitty that felt!), and yet I find myself constantly fantasizing about a married man, wishing that I wouldn’t. I get how confusing it may feel.

OP here. This is very, very relatable. How did you both, indirectly, acknowledge your mutual attraction?