What to do about my work spouse?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like consulting or something similarly self-important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you really serious when you say that you are not sure you could stop yourself if she made the first move?

How old are you? 2? Please...

This could be me but the other way around and I've never even thought of cheating on my husband after almost 20 years of marriage. Sucks to feel like this.

[Anonymous]

How old are you?

How long married?

How many kids?


Co-worker:

How old is she?
How long married?
Any kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, you could wreck both your career and your marriage at the same time. Is it worth it? Is she married or just in a LTR? She sounds as though she could be a c---teaser and bring you noihing but trouble.

+1. Start setting some boundaries with the unprofessional, needy girl at the office. Don't allow her to be so emotionally dependent on you. Even though you're the "only two who understand" blah, blah, blah. You've created this situation and now it's time to dial it down. Don't be ridiculous and allow it to escalate further.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really serious when you say that you are not sure you could stop yourself if she made the first move?

How old are you? 2? Please...

This could be me but the other way around and I've never even thought of cheating on my husband after almost 20 years of marriage. Sucks to feel like this.

You don't feel like this. You CHOOSE this. You understand that, right? You don't just magically want to f*ck someone that you're working with. It's how you choose to view them. That guy is the same guy that works down the hall, the same guy you pass on the street every day. There is nothing special about him. It's about your, your choices, and your dissatisfaction at home.

[Anonymous]

All you've told us about her is that she's a needy, psycho, idiot, fu*king bitch who's willing to interfere in someone else's marriage. And you've told us that you're okay with that - even physically attracted to that.

No, I've not been cheated on. No, I'm not bitter.

Cut your dumb d*ck off before you ruin lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really serious when you say that you are not sure you could stop yourself if she made the first move?

How old are you? 2? Please...

This could be me but the other way around and I've never even thought of cheating on my husband after almost 20 years of marriage. Sucks to feel like this.

You don't feel like this. You CHOOSE this. You understand that, right? You don't just magically want to f*ck someone that you're working with. It's how you choose to view them. That guy is the same guy that works down the hall, the same guy you pass on the street every day. There is nothing special about him. It's about your, your choices, and your dissatisfaction at home.

I am the one who asked OP if he was 2 year old. I disagree that people choose to have feelings for others.

Sometimes when you see someone everyday, you can develop those feelings even if you do not want to. We are all human.

However, you 100% choose whether to act on them or not. The whole "I was too weak to resist" is bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My coworker and I are both in long term relationships, but work very closely together. I have long suspected that she had a crush on me (stray comments at happy hours where she would gush about how amazing I was, then blush profusely). I never thought much of it until one point last year. It was like a switch went off, and suddenly I was incredibly attracted to her. She’s called me her work husband, which for whatever reason, gets me even more.

There was a happy hour two months ago that we arrived early to and were sitting by ourselves. She joked several times that she was a cheap date.

I have never reacted to any of this, but I’m only human and wow, this is hard.

After that happy hour, I had to work at a client site out of state for a few weeks and that helped to take my mind off everything.

But I’ve been back in the office and working almost exclusively with her again. The project is very demanding, and we’re leaning on each other a lot for emotional support. Well, in particular, she is leaning really hard on me for emotional support to get through the workday. It feels like the level of emotional intimacy between us has gone to another level lately. We’re the only ones who understand the pressure we are under.

So what do I do with this? During my “alone time”, I can’t stop thinking about the two of us becoming physical. I would never take an action on these feelings, but if she moved first, I’m not sure I’m strong enough to say no. There’s a part of me that very much wants it.

So do I go with it? Or do I find a way out of this?

You start off by saying that you are in a long-term relationship and then later on say that you are actually married. Sounds like you don't want to be married so do your spouse the favor of just letting them go now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My coworker and I are both in long term relationships, but work very closely together. I have long suspected that she had a crush on me (stray comments at happy hours where she would gush about how amazing I was, then blush profusely). I never thought much of it until one point last year. It was like a switch went off, and suddenly I was incredibly attracted to her. She’s called me her work husband, which for whatever reason, gets me even more.

There was a happy hour two months ago that we arrived early to and were sitting by ourselves. She joked several times that she was a cheap date.

I have never reacted to any of this, but I’m only human and wow, this is hard.

After that happy hour, I had to work at a client site out of state for a few weeks and that helped to take my mind off everything.

But I’ve been back in the office and working almost exclusively with her again. The project is very demanding, and we’re leaning on each other a lot for emotional support. Well, in particular, she is leaning really hard on me for emotional support to get through the workday. It feels like the level of emotional intimacy between us has gone to another level lately. We’re the only ones who understand the pressure we are under.

So what do I do with this? During my “alone time”, I can’t stop thinking about the two of us becoming physical. I would never take an action on these feelings, but if she moved first, I’m not sure I’m strong enough to say no. There’s a part of me that very much wants it.

So do I go with it? Or do I find a way out of this?

You start off by saying that you are in a long-term relationship and then later on say that you are actually married. Sounds like you don't want to be married so do your spouse the favor of just letting them go now.

+100
If I were married to a guy who described our marriage as a "long term relationship" and asked a bunch of internet strangers if he should "go with it" he'd be doing me a HUGE favor by letting me in on this so I could let him go. Just ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

How would you feel if your spouse was out doing the things you are? Put a stop to the work BS, immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like consulting or something similarly self-important.

Agree, I was going to say it sounds like consulting.

Either way OP, you need to take a step back and look at this logically. You're doing this thing where you make excuses for her and convince yourself that her behavior is caused by these extrinsic circumstances, but the fact of the matter is she is a grown adult, working at a job. Dealing with any emotional or personal reactions to work is her responsibility, full stop. If she's just consistently getting so stressed and emotional over this job that she needs to lean on coworkers for support multiple times a day, she is probably not in the right position.

But...that's not what it's really about. Come on, be smart. She is coming to you under the guise of work stress/needing support because it's a good excuse to be around you, and get your attention. It fosters this feeling of you two being "in it" together - she likes that you drop everything and give her your undivided attention and support on demand. And YOU like the feeling of being admired, of feeling useful and helpful and having your attentions sought out. She has a crush on you. You are flattered by her crush. This is not complicated. But if you don't nip it in the bud now...it will quickly become very complicated. If you cross a line, you can never undo it.

So decide: do you want to stay married? If so, you know what you need to do...even though it isn't fun because your ego is enjoying this attention. You need to start mentioning your wife, a lot, in conversation. That's a pretty blatant hint. And stop being her constant emotional support - be less available

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you?

How long married?

How many kids?


Co-worker:

How old is she?
How long married?
Any kids?

None of this matters. OP is either a stand up guy or he’s not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you?

How long married?

How many kids?


Co-worker:

How old is she?
How long married?
Any kids?

None of this matters. OP is either a stand up guy or he’s not.[/quote]

We already know the answer to this question.

[Anonymous]

Is she hott or trashy hott?

[Anonymous]

Is she married?

If not, do NOT cross the line with her. She will get cling'y and blow your life up when you inevitably break it off.

The only way these situations work out in real life is when both parties have something equally tangible at stake (marriage, kids, house, finances, etc). Mutually assured destruction is a powerful motivator for all parties to keep it civil and casual.