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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It drives me so nuts that this is all focused on the dil, where is the son!? If he’s failing to organize the visits and creates the closeness it’s somehow his wife’s fault that she does better by her family than he does by his?[/quote]

Because the wife is generally the gatekeeper.

Any time here that a man tries to assert spending time or maintaining a relationship with his family, dcum chimes in with "You have a husband problem." That is very tell8ng.[/quote]

It's a husband problem because the man is supposed to be organizing visits with his family and fielding the calls and emails. WHY should it all get dumped on women? Because we're better at it? They can learn too. [/quote]

But how many threads on this forum have focused on how the husband needs to "protect" the DIL from the MIL and the DIL shouldn't be forced to spend time with his family?  The MIL doesn't offer to help, or she hovers, or she's not interested in the grandkids, or she's obsessed with the grandkids, or she insists on using a K-cup for coffee in the morning, when DIL wants her to make a full pot of coffee.  How many threads ask if DIL can send the DH and kids to see the IL's without going herself?  Really, the MIL can't win, in many cases, and most DIL's on this forum think its their husband's job to prevent her from having to deal with their MIL.  Then they say that its the son's problem that they aren't closer to his family.  [/quote]
Everything you wrote is correct but somehow you think this is the DILs fault? Why aren't these moms raising sons that are capable of calling and planning visits? 99% of problems between women and inlaws would be solved if men stepped up [/quote]

NP - even If t were postigle to raise sons that are very attached to their mothers most DILs wouldn't like that.[/quote]
A man can love his mother and like his family to spend time with them. A MIL can achieve this happiness and her DIL will accept it if she makes it CLEAR that the wife comes first. THAT is the issue with these mom/son relationships; the mother feels “replaced” and competitive, instead of just accepting the DIL.[/quote]

i disagree with this. i think the issue is that DIL wants to make decisions in her own household and that she doesn't want her DH - much less MIL - to have a significant influence.

my own husband couldn't care less about his parents and if i didn't maintain that relationship they would talk like 3 times a year. while it's a hassle to a point to do this "work" for him, it's much preferable to him giving me constant input regarding what his mother thinks is best thing to do.[/quote]

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