Upset that sister has been given family home

[Anonymous]

It's not a "family house." It isn't owned by your family. It is owned by one person in your family who gets to decide what to do with it--leave it to someone else, sell it, donate it to charity, or freaking demolish it. It is not a family house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not a "family house." It isn't owned by your family. It is owned by one person in your family who gets to decide what to do with it--leave it to someone else, sell it, donate it to charity, or freaking demolish it. It is not a family house.

technically

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to work through my anger at my sister and thought maybe some new perspectives might help. My uncle (married to my paternal aunt) recently signed our grandparents'/his house over to my sister - none of this was openly discussed with my brother or me. I think my sister should have openly discussed this and we should have come together as a family as it was the house our grandparents built. She thinks it was my uncle's choice and there was nothing she could do about it. She and her newlywed husband will be moving in soon. They were renting before and this will be their home now with my uncle still living there with them.

Background - my paternal grandfather and grandmother built a house in the 1970s when they retired. They have both since passed. My dad's sister and her husband lived in the house since the mid-1990's (my father and his brother both passed away young). They moved in to take care of my ailing grandfather and have lived there ever since. My aunt and uncle have no children - my brother, sister and I are the only grandchildren.

My aunt worked hard as a social worker and my uncle is an artist who used to do carpentry but has not worked in a traditional job for the past 20 years. They (mostly my aunt) kept the house in beautiful shape and the neighborhood has become quite popular. My brother lives in the same state - but is not super involved in our side of the family (spends more time with his wife's family). He and my uncle are not close. My then single sister moved back to the state from NYC (where she had lived for 15 years) when my aunt was diagnosed with cancer about 2 years ago. She moved in with my aunt and uncle and helped out a lot as my aunt was sick and passed away. My uncle and sister are close - as I said she lived with them while my aunt was dying and stayed after for a few months until she moved in with her fiance- now husband (it was a whirlwind romance/elopement). I live in DC area with my husband and two kids. My aunt and I were very close and I have always gotten along with my uncle. The house is special to me as I had lived there in high school with my grandfather - had my high school graduation party there, had my wedding reception there, and spent a lot of time with my aunt and uncle when I lived in the state ( I moved away about 8 years ago).

I understand that I could not live in the house - and I understand that it makes sense that my sister live there. But - why not share the financial benefits of the house with my brother and I? OUr family is not wealthy and this is one clear family inheritance. Why is it now just her house? Am I being selfish? At the heart of it is that it was all done without talking to me or my brother about it. She called to talk about which wine glasses or dinnerware I wanted and I found out that way that my uncle had already signed the house over to her. I know I need to get past this for our relationship - any advice on how to do so?

It makes total sense that your uncle would give her the house. Dividing the ownership of a home rarely works out well. If she wants to sell and you don't, for instance. Plus, your sister will be bearing the financial responsibility for an old house--would you be willing to pay the costs of home maintenance for a house you don't live in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not a "family house." It isn't owned by your family. It is owned by one person in your family who gets to decide what to do with it--leave it to someone else, sell it, donate it to charity, or freaking demolish it. It is not a family house.

technically

Nothing technical about it. Just because a house has special meaning for people doesn't make it not the property of the person who legally owns it. It's still in the family--OP is just mad that she's not getting any money out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again here. First I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts. As mentioned in previous replies, I fully understand that my initial reaction to this situation was deeply problematic and my interpretation of the situation was wrong - in that my aunt and uncle had quite likely decided together that my sister should get the house, and that it was never right for me to expect anything. I acknowledge this and see that I have work to do here.
I will defend myself and say that knowing I am in the wrong here does not stop the fact that I feel hurt. And I know that feeling hurt does not mean that I was right. It just means that I have stuff to work on.

I think that your grandfather, and now your aunt and uncle, saw this as more of a practical decision than an "I love this person more than you" decision.

Your sister, to her credit, is not trying to hide what was decided and it sounds like she is even attempting to give you some of the things from the house.

She is taking on a pretty huge commitment to your uncle by agreeing to own the house and stay there with him. This could mean a decade or more of her life where she won't have the freedom to travel, move or simply be free in the way that most of us take for granted. I hope it works out for her because what she is signing up for is not always going to be easy but she seems to know and understand what she is agreeing to so that's good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I applaud you for taking the opportunity of using DCUM as a sounding board and sorting out your feelings and reactions here, so that you don't affect your family relationships with trying to discuss these problems with family members. Any discussion with the family members could affect the relationships going forward and be longer lasting than you intend. I think this introspection here is going to be healthier for you and your relationship with your sister moving forward.

While I understand that it was convenient for your sister to move home, she still made the choice to move in with ailing relatives. It's a daunting proposition especially when you are young to be moving into a home with aging relatives knowing that there will always be some burdens on you, your time and your freedom. While she may have had daily help from other family members for the elder care, I can tell you from experience, both mine and a neighbor's that the live-in family member always has more burden than most other people understand. The live-in caretaker is the one who gets to come home to find the toilets blocked up, light bulbs that need to be replaced, heavier items than the relative can carry that need to be moved, and a ton of other tasks that have built up after the other family members went home. Or things that they didn't want to bother the visitors with. This person gets to run the errands on weekends or take time off work when one of the visiting family members has to cancel at the last minute. While it isn't all the time, over a month, season, year, two years, it builds up. Other people get colds, have their own appointments that are rescheduled involuntarily, have a fall, a flat tire, an accident, and a dozen other things happen. The person in the house so often gets to pick up the pieces when the unexpected happens often just "because she's there."

I don't think anyone (or at least not many) who disagreed with you felt that the decision for your sister to move in or for you to continue working and building your life felt were devaluing your own relationship with your aunt or your uncle. No one is saying you didn't visit enough. The point is that you were able to keep your life independent. Your sister had to merge her life with your uncle and aunt by moving in with them. There are a ton of little associations that come with living with someone. Your sister would know that your uncle has a favorite cup that he always drinks his coffee in. That he prefers to keep the newspapers in the room with the morning sun. That he likes jam and not butter on toast. Over the course of two years, even with a lot of help, the live-in person gets to know the relative so well in personal ways. It isn't about how warm a relationship you have with the person. I'm sure you did have a wonderful relationship with them. But your sister will have a familiarity and personal relationship that comes from living with someone to build on. That naturally builds a strong bond.

As other people have said, this keeps the house in your family. Many of the thoughts that lead you to your feeling of entitlement were the milestone experiences that you had in that house. Consider that if your uncle had left the house to his estate, it would have had to be sold for each of you to get "your share". But by leaving it to your sister, the house stays in the family and you have the opportunity for more experiences in the house. Your sister might be open to allowing you to celebrate say a milestone anniversary in the house or some other milestone event. If you are gracious about the disposition of your uncle's house, she will likely be more open about such future events than if you are antagonistic about the disposition of the house or show resentment over this.

Good luck. I think you've done very well over the course of this thread with so many people disagreeing with you. Many OPs are not able to handle opposing viewpoints well in such threads and I commend you for still being open to these thoughts. And for coming back. Many OPs bail on a thread when they get so many opposing opinions.

+1
Joint ownership of a house is a nightmare inheritance scenario. The result would almost certainly have been that the house be sold.

This isn't about who was "closest" to your aunt and uncle. They owned the house, they decided how to dispose of it. Their decision is a perfectly reasonable one. There would have been other ways to handle it, but the way they chose is well within the realm of normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there at least a contingency that states that she is not allowed to sell the house, so that it stays in the family? She is part of the family. My uncle has control of my grandparent's house until his death, and then it passes to his remaining brothers and sisters. My brother, sister, and I pretty much grew up in that house, because they were our closest neighbors. At some point, my mother, aunts, and uncles will divide it (although I suspect that my mother will keep her part, since she also owns other land there, and she's not stupid). The rest will sell their parts to one of my uncles, who owns everything except what my mother owns. She's saving it for one of my kids, who is the only one who has expressed an interest in the land. I do think that when something means something special to everyone, not just one person, something should be done to make it as equal as possible. Your brother doesn't sound emotionally invested, but you are. I get that. Good luck, OP.

This would be terrible. She can't sell the house, but what if she needs to move and her siblings can't afford to buy her out? Or don't want to? She's stuck with a house that no one else wants to live in but she can't unload. And are her siblings going to help her pay for upkeep and taxes when she doesn't even want to live in the house anymore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to work through my anger at my sister and thought maybe some new perspectives might help. My uncle (married to my paternal aunt) recently signed our grandparents'/his house over to my sister - none of this was openly discussed with my brother or me. I think my sister should have openly discussed this and we should have come together as a family as it was the house our grandparents built. She thinks it was my uncle's choice and there was nothing she could do about it. She and her newlywed husband will be moving in soon. They were renting before and this will be their home now with my uncle still living there with them.

Background - my paternal grandfather and grandmother built a house in the 1970s when they retired. They have both since passed. My dad's sister and her husband lived in the house since the mid-1990's (my father and his brother both passed away young). They moved in to take care of my ailing grandfather and have lived there ever since. My aunt and uncle have no children - my brother, sister and I are the only grandchildren.

My aunt worked hard as a social worker and my uncle is an artist who used to do carpentry but has not worked in a traditional job for the past 20 years. They (mostly my aunt) kept the house in beautiful shape and the neighborhood has become quite popular. My brother lives in the same state - but is not super involved in our side of the family (spends more time with his wife's family). He and my uncle are not close. My then single sister moved back to the state from NYC (where she had lived for 15 years) when my aunt was diagnosed with cancer about 2 years ago. She moved in with my aunt and uncle and helped out a lot as my aunt was sick and passed away. My uncle and sister are close - as I said she lived with them while my aunt was dying and stayed after for a few months until she moved in with her fiance- now husband (it was a whirlwind romance/elopement). I live in DC area with my husband and two kids. My aunt and I were very close and I have always gotten along with my uncle. The house is special to me as I had lived there in high school with my grandfather - had my high school graduation party there, had my wedding reception there, and spent a lot of time with my aunt and uncle when I lived in the state ( I moved away about 8 years ago).

I understand that I could not live in the house - and I understand that it makes sense that my sister live there. But - why not share the financial benefits of the house with my brother and I? OUr family is not wealthy and this is one clear family inheritance. Why is it now just her house? Am I being selfish? At the heart of it is that it was all done without talking to me or my brother about it. She called to talk about which wine glasses or dinnerware I wanted and I found out that way that my uncle had already signed the house over to her. I know I need to get past this for our relationship - any advice on how to do so?

It makes total sense that your uncle would give her the house. Dividing the ownership of a home rarely works out well. If she wants to sell and you don't, for instance. Plus, your sister will be bearing the financial responsibility for an old house--would you be willing to pay the costs of home maintenance for a house you don't live in?

This is a very good point. If you were given partial gift of the house, you would also be partially responsible for taxes, maintenance, upkeep of the property. That means if the lawn doesn't get mowed or the bathroom needs an emergency renovation or the taxes don't get paid....guess who would be getting a call about it. And it could be like that for years and years.

[Anonymous]

You know, OP, I just want to say, that the sense I get of you is that you are classy and fair. I like that you are working through this privately (well, with us, LOL). It really is multifaceted and it's not just about the house, but about the communication or lack thereof on behalf of your sister, mother, and uncle. It's really four issues. And you are fair-minded, which is why you are trying to work it out.

What I would say, just to help...soothe, I guess, is that I took care of my uncle and aunt (in my house) for a few months, and please let me say it's no picnic. You might actually have the better end of the deal. My DH is a saint for putting up with that with me. And I was so sandwiched it was ridiculous. Sees Candies became my best friend and therapist, which is not a good thing.

Also, one other thing worth mentioning. My grandmother had a house, yard, gigantically tall old old apple trees, garden, flower garden, etc, very sweet...I went there every summer, and unlike my cousins, I lived there for two years with my mom when my parents split up. The house went to someone in the family but there was discontent etc, and the house ended up being sold. The new owner razed it and put up omg the most ugly thing, and the whole lot is completely unrecognizable. Cut down the trees (ugh, I cringe even typing that)

This bothers me so much. I wanted to show my kids my childhood situation and it's just gone.

So the good news is your sister will have that house, and not only will it not be razed and ruined, your kids will know not just the outside but also the inside of where you lived once. And you'll get to keep going over there.

You're classy, OP, you'll work it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again here. First I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts. As mentioned in previous replies, I fully understand that my initial reaction to this situation was deeply problematic and my interpretation of the situation was wrong - in that my aunt and uncle had quite likely decided together that my sister should get the house, and that it was never right for me to expect anything. I acknowledge this and see that I have work to do here.
I will defend myself and say that knowing I am in the wrong here does not stop the fact that I feel hurt. And I know that feeling hurt does not mean that I was right. It just means that I have stuff to work on.

What you feel in your deepest heart is one thing, OP. The important part is that you get it out here, anonymously, and maybe in therapy, but never to your sister or your mom. The ship already sailed on the latter, but maybe you can rectify the damage on that front without it getting back to your sister.

[Anonymous]

You sound greedy. Your motivation isn’t even because you love the house and imagined raising your own family there. You just want the money. Do you hear yourself?! Your sister has made sacrifices to help your uncle and aunt and she is rightfully being rewarded. You simply want a piece of the pie for sharing the same blood. You should be HAPPY for your sister and appreciate what you DO have. Smh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I applaud you for taking the opportunity of using DCUM as a sounding board and sorting out your feelings and reactions here, so that you don't affect your family relationships with trying to discuss these problems with family members. Any discussion with the family members could affect the relationships going forward and be longer lasting than you intend. I think this introspection here is going to be healthier for you and your relationship with your sister moving forward.

While I understand that it was convenient for your sister to move home, she still made the choice to move in with ailing relatives. It's a daunting proposition especially when you are young to be moving into a home with aging relatives knowing that there will always be some burdens on you, your time and your freedom. While she may have had daily help from other family members for the elder care, I can tell you from experience, both mine and a neighbor's that the live-in family member always has more burden than most other people understand. The live-in caretaker is the one who gets to come home to find the toilets blocked up, light bulbs that need to be replaced, heavier items than the relative can carry that need to be moved, and a ton of other tasks that have built up after the other family members went home. Or things that they didn't want to bother the visitors with. This person gets to run the errands on weekends or take time off work when one of the visiting family members has to cancel at the last minute. While it isn't all the time, over a month, season, year, two years, it builds up. Other people get colds, have their own appointments that are rescheduled involuntarily, have a fall, a flat tire, an accident, and a dozen other things happen. The person in the house so often gets to pick up the pieces when the unexpected happens often just "because she's there."

I don't think anyone (or at least not many) who disagreed with you felt that the decision for your sister to move in or for you to continue working and building your life felt were devaluing your own relationship with your aunt or your uncle. No one is saying you didn't visit enough. The point is that you were able to keep your life independent. Your sister had to merge her life with your uncle and aunt by moving in with them. There are a ton of little associations that come with living with someone. Your sister would know that your uncle has a favorite cup that he always drinks his coffee in. That he prefers to keep the newspapers in the room with the morning sun. That he likes jam and not butter on toast. Over the course of two years, even with a lot of help, the live-in person gets to know the relative so well in personal ways. It isn't about how warm a relationship you have with the person. I'm sure you did have a wonderful relationship with them. But your sister will have a familiarity and personal relationship that comes from living with someone to build on. That naturally builds a strong bond.

As other people have said, this keeps the house in your family. Many of the thoughts that lead you to your feeling of entitlement were the milestone experiences that you had in that house. Consider that if your uncle had left the house to his estate, it would have had to be sold for each of you to get "your share". But by leaving it to your sister, the house stays in the family and you have the opportunity for more experiences in the house. Your sister might be open to allowing you to celebrate say a milestone anniversary in the house or some other milestone event. If you are gracious about the disposition of your uncle's house, she will likely be more open about such future events than if you are antagonistic about the disposition of the house or show resentment over this.

Good luck. I think you've done very well over the course of this thread with so many people disagreeing with you. Many OPs are not able to handle opposing viewpoints well in such threads and I commend you for still being open to these thoughts. And for coming back. Many OPs bail on a thread when they get so many opposing opinions.

+1
Joint ownership of a house is a nightmare inheritance scenario. The result would almost certainly have been that the house be sold.

This isn't about who was "closest" to your aunt and uncle. They owned the house, they decided how to dispose of it. Their decision is a perfectly reasonable one. There would have been other ways to handle it, but the way they chose is well within the realm of normal.

i co-own a property with my 2 siblings and it is working out fine. it's nobody's primary residence, we divide all costs. everybody uses it on occasion - my sister frequently but stays a short time; i go there less often but stay longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not a "family house." It isn't owned by your family. It is owned by one person in your family who gets to decide what to do with it--leave it to someone else, sell it, donate it to charity, or freaking demolish it. It is not a family house.

technically

What do you mean, "technically?" Unless "the family" provided money for a down payment, or taxes, or mortgage payments, or upkeep, there is nothing "family" about it. One person bought it, then left it to someone she chose, as was her right. Now that person is leaving it to someone else he chose, as is his right.

If you passed away, and you had no husband or kids, and chose to leave your house to your best friend instead of your cousin, that's your right--because it's your own, personal property, not a "family home."

Technically? YES, TECHNICALLY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I applaud you for taking the opportunity of using DCUM as a sounding board and sorting out your feelings and reactions here, so that you don't affect your family relationships with trying to discuss these problems with family members. Any discussion with the family members could affect the relationships going forward and be longer lasting than you intend. I think this introspection here is going to be healthier for you and your relationship with your sister moving forward.

While I understand that it was convenient for your sister to move home, she still made the choice to move in with ailing relatives. It's a daunting proposition especially when you are young to be moving into a home with aging relatives knowing that there will always be some burdens on you, your time and your freedom. While she may have had daily help from other family members for the elder care, I can tell you from experience, both mine and a neighbor's that the live-in family member always has more burden than most other people understand. The live-in caretaker is the one who gets to come home to find the toilets blocked up, light bulbs that need to be replaced, heavier items than the relative can carry that need to be moved, and a ton of other tasks that have built up after the other family members went home. Or things that they didn't want to bother the visitors with. This person gets to run the errands on weekends or take time off work when one of the visiting family members has to cancel at the last minute. While it isn't all the time, over a month, season, year, two years, it builds up. Other people get colds, have their own appointments that are rescheduled involuntarily, have a fall, a flat tire, an accident, and a dozen other things happen. The person in the house so often gets to pick up the pieces when the unexpected happens often just "because she's there."

I don't think anyone (or at least not many) who disagreed with you felt that the decision for your sister to move in or for you to continue working and building your life felt were devaluing your own relationship with your aunt or your uncle. No one is saying you didn't visit enough. The point is that you were able to keep your life independent. Your sister had to merge her life with your uncle and aunt by moving in with them. There are a ton of little associations that come with living with someone. Your sister would know that your uncle has a favorite cup that he always drinks his coffee in. That he prefers to keep the newspapers in the room with the morning sun. That he likes jam and not butter on toast. Over the course of two years, even with a lot of help, the live-in person gets to know the relative so well in personal ways. It isn't about how warm a relationship you have with the person. I'm sure you did have a wonderful relationship with them. But your sister will have a familiarity and personal relationship that comes from living with someone to build on. That naturally builds a strong bond.

As other people have said, this keeps the house in your family. Many of the thoughts that lead you to your feeling of entitlement were the milestone experiences that you had in that house. Consider that if your uncle had left the house to his estate, it would have had to be sold for each of you to get "your share". But by leaving it to your sister, the house stays in the family and you have the opportunity for more experiences in the house. Your sister might be open to allowing you to celebrate say a milestone anniversary in the house or some other milestone event. If you are gracious about the disposition of your uncle's house, she will likely be more open about such future events than if you are antagonistic about the disposition of the house or show resentment over this.

Good luck. I think you've done very well over the course of this thread with so many people disagreeing with you. Many OPs are not able to handle opposing viewpoints well in such threads and I commend you for still being open to these thoughts. And for coming back. Many OPs bail on a thread when they get so many opposing opinions.

+1
Joint ownership of a house is a nightmare inheritance scenario. The result would almost certainly have been that the house be sold.

This isn't about who was "closest" to your aunt and uncle. They owned the house, they decided how to dispose of it. Their decision is a perfectly reasonable one. There would have been other ways to handle it, but the way they chose is well within the realm of normal.

i co-own a property with my 2 siblings and it is working out fine. it's nobody's primary residence, we divide all costs. everybody uses it on occasion - my sister frequently but stays a short time; i go there less often but stay longer.

You might be singing a different tune if you had an elderly uncle and a care giver sister living in the house, though. That is what Op would be looking at.

[Anonymous]

Bottom line is, if this scenario works o.k. with your uncle and your sister that should be good enough. Their choice.