Upset that sister has been given family home

[Anonymous]

Forget the money part and think of it as a gift to the whole family that the home is still in the family and not sold off to a developer who would tear it down and replace with a mcMansion or condos.

[Anonymous]

This is how it works in most families. The adult child who does the most to take care of elderly family members in their time of need are thanked with a bigger inheritance. It causes resentment, but if you try to see if from the elderly family member's perspective - who was there for them when it counted?

I know it stings, but it's not meant as a personal insult to you. In my family it's the reverse. To avoid this situation, all assets are divided evenly and even the kids who haven't spoken to their parents in 20+ years and didn't help when it was needed get an even share. Well, that scenario also causes resentment. I don't think inheritance splitting ever really feels fair.

[Anonymous]

Your Aunt and Uncle moved in to take care of your ailing grandfather and they inherited the house after his death. Your sister moved in to take care of your ailing Aunt and Uncle and the house has been signed over to her.

This is actually the way it is done in your family, Op. Who will step up and care for your ailing sister when she needs help?

[Anonymous]

OP here - ok I hear you. I am being selfish. I get that and I need to work on being a better person. That is for sure.

I was very close to my aunt and uncle - they did not need money, they were better off than we are paying a mortgage and two daycare tuitions here in the DMV. I visited as often as I could. My aunt often said that the house was ours (the three kids) and that she hoped her husband would not cut my brother out since they did not get along. And I agree, he could have stayed in the house, remarked and left it to his new wife - lots of other scenarios that would have been difficult.

My sister was going to leave NYC anyway - she was unhappy there and her apartment was being made into condos so she had to move. She was able to move home and fit her whole life into the trunk of her car. So yes, she upended her life - but she was planning on leaving NYC anyways. She could have moved into her own apartment - but she chose to live with them and be an amazing support to them both. So yes - my sister was a caretaker, but she worked full time and my mom and many other family members and friends did the bulk of the day to day care taking. My uncle is in great health and was there as well. But like I said, I am not upset with my uncle - I get that it is good for him to have her living with him.

To the poster who said if I want a house I should work, save and then buy - that is what we have done. That is why I could not pick up and move my whole family home. My sister did not make those choices - and this is where I need to let go... I see that.

I agree I need to let go of the hurt. I need to see that I should never had thought of the house as something that would have been mine. But i do bristle against the sentiment that because she was able to and wanted to move home that it discounts my lifelong relationship with my aunt as one that was not caring or close. And that it is only through living with someone who is dying that you can be loving and caring and a support in their lives. I was as involved as I could be in helping her make decisions about doctors, treatment decisions, etc. as I could be.

Hearing all of these perspectives has actually been very helpful - thank you all for sharing your thoughts. I have a lot of work to do to work through this.

[Anonymous]

OP, you still don't get it and are being defensive. Let it go. Why you are choosing to let this be a major sore spot in your life in baffling. The house is still in your family. Your sister is living there.


You have yet to describe the scenario you envisioned, except that it be given to the 3 siblings. Did you want to sell it? Have it remain empty and you 3 take turns visiting?

[Anonymous]

I think it's appropriate given the care your sister has provided. You need to dig deep to be grateful that you have a house, didn't have to care for them, don't need the house, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree I need to let go of the hurt. I need to see that I should never had thought of the house as something that would have been mine. But i do bristle against the sentiment that because she was able to and wanted to move home that it discounts my lifelong relationship with my aunt as one that was not caring or close.

Your relationship with your aunt has only been discounted if you choose to measure it in terms of material benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - ok I hear you. I am being selfish. I get that and I need to work on being a better person. That is for sure.

I was very close to my aunt and uncle - they did not need money, they were better off than we are paying a mortgage and two daycare tuitions here in the DMV. I visited as often as I could. My aunt often said that the house was ours (the three kids) and that she hoped her husband would not cut my brother out since they did not get along. And I agree, he could have stayed in the house, remarked and left it to his new wife - lots of other scenarios that would have been difficult.

My sister was going to leave NYC anyway - she was unhappy there and her apartment was being made into condos so she had to move. She was able to move home and fit her whole life into the trunk of her car. So yes, she upended her life - but she was planning on leaving NYC anyways. She could have moved into her own apartment - but she chose to live with them and be an amazing support to them both. So yes - my sister was a caretaker, but she worked full time and my mom and many other family members and friends did the bulk of the day to day care taking. My uncle is in great health and was there as well. But like I said, I am not upset with my uncle - I get that it is good for him to have her living with him.

To the poster who said if I want a house I should work, save and then buy - that is what we have done. That is why I could not pick up and move my whole family home. My sister did not make those choices - and this is where I need to let go... I see that.

Op, I’m the pp who said that you’re not entitled to an inheritance. It doesn’t matter what your aunt said. You need to let go of the money. It was never yours. I have friends whose parents have left money to step parents who thought that the step parents would continue doing nice things for the kids and grandchildren and the step parents cut them out (and to my friends the emotional pain was worse than the loss of the money bc the step parent was considered a parent/grandparent). There are so many horror stories out there but this isn’t one of them. Your sister getting the house does not diminish your relationship with your aunt. You are clearly all about the money and it isn’t flattering. It is going to affect your relationship with your mom and your sister so you need to stop. I also wanted wonder how old you are. I’m assuming in your 20’s? My friends and I are in are late 40’s and we’ve learned that things are never equal with families and you just have to deal with it or you’ll drive yourself crazy.

I agree I need to let go of the hurt. I need to see that I should never had thought of the house as something that would have been mine. But i do bristle against the sentiment that because she was able to and wanted to move home that it discounts my lifelong relationship with my aunt as one that was not caring or close. And that it is only through living with someone who is dying that you can be loving and caring and a support in their lives. I was as involved as I could be in helping her make decisions about doctors, treatment decisions, etc. as I could be.

Hearing all of these perspectives has actually been very helpful - thank you all for sharing your thoughts. I have a lot of work to do to work through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree I need to let go of the hurt. I need to see that I should never had thought of the house as something that would have been mine. But i do bristle against the sentiment that because she was able to and wanted to move home that it discounts my lifelong relationship with my aunt as one that was not caring or close.

Your relationship with your aunt has only been discounted if you choose to measure it in terms of material benefits.

OP here - excellent point! I know I am being defensive and have to work through this. It's hard and I wish I was a better person who this wasn't hard for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - ok I hear you. I am being selfish. I get that and I need to work on being a better person. That is for sure.

I was very close to my aunt and uncle - they did not need money, they were better off than we are paying a mortgage and two daycare tuitions here in the DMV. I visited as often as I could. My aunt often said that the house was ours (the three kids) and that she hoped her husband would not cut my brother out since they did not get along. And I agree, he could have stayed in the house, remarked and left it to his new wife - lots of other scenarios that would have been difficult.

My sister was going to leave NYC anyway - she was unhappy there and her apartment was being made into condos so she had to move. She was able to move home and fit her whole life into the trunk of her car. So yes, she upended her life - but she was planning on leaving NYC anyways. She could have moved into her own apartment - but she chose to live with them and be an amazing support to them both. So yes - my sister was a caretaker, but she worked full time and my mom and many other family members and friends did the bulk of the day to day care taking. My uncle is in great health and was there as well. But like I said, I am not upset with my uncle - I get that it is good for him to have her living with him.

To the poster who said if I want a house I should work, save and then buy - that is what we have done. That is why I could not pick up and move my whole family home. My sister did not make those choices - and this is where I need to let go... I see that.

I agree I need to let go of the hurt. I need to see that I should never had thought of the house as something that would have been mine. But i do bristle against the sentiment that because she was able to and wanted to move home that it discounts my lifelong relationship with my aunt as one that was not caring or close. And that it is only through living with someone who is dying that you can be loving and caring and a support in their lives. I was as involved as I could be in helping her make decisions about doctors, treatment decisions, etc. as I could be.

Hearing all of these perspectives has actually been very helpful - thank you all for sharing your thoughts. I have a lot of work to do to work through this.

What you describe doesn't really sound like your sister acted as the caretaker. She worked full time and had a bevy of relatives plus her Aunt's own husband helping out with the care of the aunt. Your sister lived there and kept them company.

Your uncle probably likes having her there and probably hopes that she'll be there for him if his health starts to fade.

[Anonymous]

I sort of am on OP's side on this. OP was an involved relative too. A house is a major item-OP how much is the house worth? Say it is worth 1+ million, it is very unfair for only 1 family member to get it. The sister could have always gotten something else for her contributions. I also do not understand why OP's dad and uncle did not get to split the house in the first place. The unfairness started there. Did your dad have any resentment about that OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sort of am on OP's side on this. OP was an involved relative too. A house is a major item-OP how much is the house worth? Say it is worth 1+ million, it is very unfair for only 1 family member to get it. The sister could have always gotten something else for her contributions. I also do not understand why OP's dad and uncle did not get to split the house in the first place. The unfairness started there. Did your dad have any resentment about that OP?

eh, the house belonged to the aunt and uncle and they decided to give it to Op's sister.

Unless Op plans to fight over who gets to care for her uncle, I would not expect to get a piece of that pie. It sounds like this arrangement works for Op's sister and that Op's sister is the best person for that job. Op has already said that she owns a home and has a ton of other responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sort of am on OP's side on this. OP was an involved relative too. A house is a major item-OP how much is the house worth? Say it is worth 1+ million, it is very unfair for only 1 family member to get it. The sister could have always gotten something else for her contributions. I also do not understand why OP's dad and uncle did not get to split the house in the first place. The unfairness started there. Did your dad have any resentment about that OP?

eh, the house belonged to the aunt and uncle and they decided to give it to Op's sister.

Unless Op plans to fight over who gets to care for her uncle, I would not expect to get a piece of that pie. It sounds like this arrangement works for Op's sister and that Op's sister is the best person for that job. Op has already said that she owns a home and has a ton of other responsibilities.

The house belonged to the grandad IIRR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sort of am on OP's side on this. OP was an involved relative too. A house is a major item-OP how much is the house worth? Say it is worth 1+ million, it is very unfair for only 1 family member to get it. The sister could have always gotten something else for her contributions. I also do not understand why OP's dad and uncle did not get to split the house in the first place. The unfairness started there. Did your dad have any resentment about that OP?

eh, the house belonged to the aunt and uncle and they decided to give it to Op's sister.

Unless Op plans to fight over who gets to care for her uncle, I would not expect to get a piece of that pie. It sounds like this arrangement works for Op's sister and that Op's sister is the best person for that job. Op has already said that she owns a home and has a ton of other responsibilities.

The house belonged to the grandad IIRR.

The aunt and uncle inherited the home directly from the grandfather after they had taken care of him in his ill health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree I need to let go of the hurt. I need to see that I should never had thought of the house as something that would have been mine. But i do bristle against the sentiment that because she was able to and wanted to move home that it discounts my lifelong relationship with my aunt as one that was not caring or close.

Your relationship with your aunt has only been discounted if you choose to measure it in terms of material benefits.

OP here - excellent point! I know I am being defensive and have to work through this. It's hard and I wish I was a better person who this wasn't hard for.

Good luck, OP. You deserve a lot of credit for being self-reflective and open to criticism.