Upset that sister has been given family home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree I need to let go of the hurt. I need to see that I should never had thought of the house as something that would have been mine. But i do bristle against the sentiment that because she was able to and wanted to move home that it discounts my lifelong relationship with my aunt as one that was not caring or close.

Your relationship with your aunt has only been discounted if you choose to measure it in terms of material benefits.

OP here - excellent point! I know I am being defensive and have to work through this. It's hard and I wish I was a better person who this wasn't hard for.

Good luck, OP. You deserve a lot of credit for being self-reflective and open to criticism.

+1 You're doing good, Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - ok I hear you. I am being selfish. I get that and I need to work on being a better person. That is for sure.

I was very close to my aunt and uncle - they did not need money, they were better off than we are paying a mortgage and two daycare tuitions here in the DMV. I visited as often as I could. My aunt often said that the house was ours (the three kids) and that she hoped her husband would not cut my brother out since they did not get along. And I agree, he could have stayed in the house, remarked and left it to his new wife - lots of other scenarios that would have been difficult.

My sister was going to leave NYC anyway - she was unhappy there and her apartment was being made into condos so she had to move. She was able to move home and fit her whole life into the trunk of her car. So yes, she upended her life - but she was planning on leaving NYC anyways. She could have moved into her own apartment - but she chose to live with them and be an amazing support to them both. So yes - my sister was a caretaker, but she worked full time and my mom and many other family members and friends did the bulk of the day to day care taking. My uncle is in great health and was there as well. But like I said, I am not upset with my uncle - I get that it is good for him to have her living with him.

To the poster who said if I want a house I should work, save and then buy - that is what we have done. That is why I could not pick up and move my whole family home. My sister did not make those choices - and this is where I need to let go... I see that.

I agree I need to let go of the hurt. I need to see that I should never had thought of the house as something that would have been mine. But i do bristle against the sentiment that because she was able to and wanted to move home that it discounts my lifelong relationship with my aunt as one that was not caring or close. And that it is only through living with someone who is dying that you can be loving and caring and a support in their lives. I was as involved as I could be in helping her make decisions about doctors, treatment decisions, etc. as I could be.

Hearing all of these perspectives has actually been very helpful - thank you all for sharing your thoughts. I have a lot of work to do to work through this.

I'm siding with your sister on getting the house, but I sympathize with the bolded. Family relationships are odd - you can do everything right and think you're the closest to that person....but they have a stronger affinity for another member of your family for reasons unknown.

[Anonymous]

OP, at least you're trying to figure out the best way to think about all this going forward, rather than sticking to your (initial) guns. That's a good thing.

What works for me: I assume I will get nothing from anyone in my family, even if they say I will. My parents will probably leave my brother and me a few hundred grand in an estate. But, until they're dead, gone, and everything is netted out, I'll assume nothing. If they wrote me out of the will and gave everything to my brother 100%, so be it. Keeping a "doesn't matter" mindset has allowed me to focus on what's truly important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to stop thinking of it as your grandparents’ house that was given to her and view it as your uncle gave his house to her. She took care of your aunt and is taking care of your uncle.

This. I can understand why you are upset about not being included and talked to OP. But, your sister is the one taking care the all the sick elderly people and who also doesn't own her own house. Is she also going to end up taking care of your mom?

[Anonymous]

OP, I would ask these questions to yourself:

1. Is she physically and mentally hurting you? NO
2. If she is not doing this, will your life change from the inheritance? MAYBE? now go to Q1 again!

Repeat and slowly you will see your resentment over this getting smaller, I hope...

p.s. also, maybe your aunt and uncle wouldn't want them to sell it, in order for you and your brother to benefit, they would need to!

[Anonymous]

OP, I applaud you for taking the opportunity of using DCUM as a sounding board and sorting out your feelings and reactions here, so that you don't affect your family relationships with trying to discuss these problems with family members. Any discussion with the family members could affect the relationships going forward and be longer lasting than you intend. I think this introspection here is going to be healthier for you and your relationship with your sister moving forward.

While I understand that it was convenient for your sister to move home, she still made the choice to move in with ailing relatives. It's a daunting proposition especially when you are young to be moving into a home with aging relatives knowing that there will always be some burdens on you, your time and your freedom. While she may have had daily help from other family members for the elder care, I can tell you from experience, both mine and a neighbor's that the live-in family member always has more burden than most other people understand. The live-in caretaker is the one who gets to come home to find the toilets blocked up, light bulbs that need to be replaced, heavier items than the relative can carry that need to be moved, and a ton of other tasks that have built up after the other family members went home. Or things that they didn't want to bother the visitors with. This person gets to run the errands on weekends or take time off work when one of the visiting family members has to cancel at the last minute. While it isn't all the time, over a month, season, year, two years, it builds up. Other people get colds, have their own appointments that are rescheduled involuntarily, have a fall, a flat tire, an accident, and a dozen other things happen. The person in the house so often gets to pick up the pieces when the unexpected happens often just "because she's there."

I don't think anyone (or at least not many) who disagreed with you felt that the decision for your sister to move in or for you to continue working and building your life felt were devaluing your own relationship with your aunt or your uncle. No one is saying you didn't visit enough. The point is that you were able to keep your life independent. Your sister had to merge her life with your uncle and aunt by moving in with them. There are a ton of little associations that come with living with someone. Your sister would know that your uncle has a favorite cup that he always drinks his coffee in. That he prefers to keep the newspapers in the room with the morning sun. That he likes jam and not butter on toast. Over the course of two years, even with a lot of help, the live-in person gets to know the relative so well in personal ways. It isn't about how warm a relationship you have with the person. I'm sure you did have a wonderful relationship with them. But your sister will have a familiarity and personal relationship that comes from living with someone to build on. That naturally builds a strong bond.

As other people have said, this keeps the house in your family. Many of the thoughts that lead you to your feeling of entitlement were the milestone experiences that you had in that house. Consider that if your uncle had left the house to his estate, it would have had to be sold for each of you to get "your share". But by leaving it to your sister, the house stays in the family and you have the opportunity for more experiences in the house. Your sister might be open to allowing you to celebrate say a milestone anniversary in the house or some other milestone event. If you are gracious about the disposition of your uncle's house, she will likely be more open about such future events than if you are antagonistic about the disposition of the house or show resentment over this.

Good luck. I think you've done very well over the course of this thread with so many people disagreeing with you. Many OPs are not able to handle opposing viewpoints well in such threads and I commend you for still being open to these thoughts. And for coming back. Many OPs bail on a thread when they get so many opposing opinions.

[Anonymous]

Taking care of elderly family members is not easy and very very nice of your sister. This was an appropriate decision.

[Anonymous]

OP your resentment is completely normal and valid. how much is the house worth?

[Anonymous]

She's stuck living with an uncle room mate (who seemed like a jobless slacker, fwiw) until he passes. That's the gist of it. So her payment for companionship/assistance/being a cook and maid as needed is a house. And a forced room mate. And being given the stinkeye by her siblings.

I wouldn't trade for that. She really doesn't own it free and clear. He could live a long time. I think the expectation from him would be that he ages out there and never moves. Things change and what is ideal now may not be ideal in the future- not everyone ages well in place. She could have kids and he might not be great (or even safe) with kids. They might annoy him, or vice versa.

So yeah, if you go by $- and think of it as payment for her services rendered- maybe - as an example- if she got a home valued NOW at a million$.... If he lives another 10 yrs- she's making then only making $100G yearly for all that work. The longer he lives, the 'less' she makes.

The only way it would feel fair is to get a cheque- split in thirds, right? She has no money in hand either until she sells (which she may never do). So though the home has appreciated, you would never have seen that money- unless they did the very thing that sounds like it would be hard for you- sell the house that means so much to you. So just enjoy the fact you can still visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s fair OP.

Why? The house belonged to ops aunt and uncle. Not her parents. The sister is taking care of said aunt and uncle. Payment is the house. What could you possibly fault here?

[Anonymous]

Agree with others who say this was never your house. You may have fond memories, but it never belonged to you. The owner had the right to decide what he wanted to do with it; it's really not any business of yours. Does he have to consult you before he sells his car? Sounds like your sister spent many years as a caregiver for the family, I'm pleased to see the uncle recognized that and wanted to try to provide some care and security for her in return. Seems silly, vengeful, greedy to be upset because someone else made a private decision on helping a relative. You're only going to cause trouble - estrangement, arguments, bad feelings. Stop it; be glad your sister has a stable home and tend to your own life, stay in your lane.

[Anonymous]

It’s not a “family home.” Was your “family” paying taxes and making payments and paying for repairs? Nope.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. Your aunt was very conscious of being fair to all three of you. My sister would be the same way with my kids. Your uncle made what he thinks is a kind and generous gift to your sister and it is one, but it negates how your aunt expressed her desire to see the family’s assets shared amongst her neices and nephew.

That said, if your uncle wants to remain in the house and wants companionship and is close with your sister and her new husband, there really was no way to have that and leave the house to all three of you for all the reasons others have pointed out. Your sister is in many ways giving up the opportunity to buy a home with her husband and build an independent life with him, including investing in real estate. Your uncle might live for another 30 years, you said he is healthy and in good shape. She has made a big commitment to him in this.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like both you and your sister have strong relationships BUT when crisis hit, your sister, not you was willing to move in with them to help. That speaks volumes for your sister. You wouldn't live in the house so what would you do with it? You are being selfish. You have no idea what it is like to do what she is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - ok I hear you. I am being selfish. I get that and I need to work on being a better person. That is for sure.

I was very close to my aunt and uncle - they did not need money, they were better off than we are paying a mortgage and two daycare tuitions here in the DMV. I visited as often as I could. My aunt often said that the house was ours (the three kids) and that she hoped her husband would not cut my brother out since they did not get along. And I agree, he could have stayed in the house, remarked and left it to his new wife - lots of other scenarios that would have been difficult.

My sister was going to leave NYC anyway - she was unhappy there and her apartment was being made into condos so she had to move. She was able to move home and fit her whole life into the trunk of her car. So yes, she upended her life - but she was planning on leaving NYC anyways. She could have moved into her own apartment - but she chose to live with them and be an amazing support to them both. So yes - my sister was a caretaker, but she worked full time and my mom and many other family members and friends did the bulk of the day to day care taking. My uncle is in great health and was there as well. But like I said, I am not upset with my uncle - I get that it is good for him to have her living with him.

To the poster who said if I want a house I should work, save and then buy - that is what we have done. That is why I could not pick up and move my whole family home. My sister did not make those choices - and this is where I need to let go... I see that.

I agree I need to let go of the hurt. I need to see that I should never had thought of the house as something that would have been mine. But i do bristle against the sentiment that because she was able to and wanted to move home that it discounts my lifelong relationship with my aunt as one that was not caring or close. And that it is only through living with someone who is dying that you can be loving and caring and a support in their lives. I was as involved as I could be in helping her make decisions about doctors, treatment decisions, etc. as I could be.

Hearing all of these perspectives has actually been very helpful - thank you all for sharing your thoughts. I have a lot of work to do to work through this.

You are still making it about the money and nothing else.