Upset that sister has been given family home

[Anonymous]

So, your sister did all the things a daughter would do, and as a result they treated her like a daughter.

Sorry, OP. It wasn't your house to get upset about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing is fair, OP. It's ok to be sad about it.

But please don't be mad at your sister over it. Really, what were the alternatives? You say you couldn't live in the house. Ok, so you wanted to share the financial benefit? How would that work? If he left it equally to all three of you, would your sister still live there? Would you expect her to buy you and your brother out on order to continue living there? If not, how do you actually gain financially from owning 1/3 of it? If she couldn't afford to buy you out, would the house be sold and you three split the proceeds? If it's emotional value that you care about, why would that be any better than your sister living there?

Please try to believe that your uncle was trying to do the right thing ... The same thing his parents did for him. Sharing a property between siblings doesn't always work out well. He thought it best to leave it to one person, who happens to be at a station in life where she could use the help, and who also has been carrying for him. At least that way it stays in the family.

They probably didn't mention it because they felt awkward and didn't know how to bring it up. So at least now it's out on the table. So go ahead and mourn the fact that it won't be yours, and even tell your sister that you're sad about being left out. But if you hold this against her, you'll lose a sister in addition to losing the house.

OP here - This is very helpful. Thank you. I think I am disappointed in my pettiness - in myself for not being able to just be happy for her. I will get there. I think as with all family stories - there is a lot of history that goes into reactions and interpretations - in my head I am responding to people's posts with, "yeah, but..." But, at the end of the day it doesn't matter. It is family. We make family with our choices and and I need to choose to be happy for her. To let this go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to work through my anger at my sister and thought maybe some new perspectives might help. My uncle (married to my paternal aunt) recently signed our grandparents'/his house over to my sister - none of this was openly discussed with my brother or me. I think my sister should have openly discussed this and we should have come together as a family as it was the house our grandparents built. She thinks it was my uncle's choice and there was nothing she could do about it. She and her newlywed husband will be moving in soon. They were renting before and this will be their home now with my uncle still living there with them.

Background - my paternal grandfather and grandmother built a house in the 1970s when they retired. They have both since passed. My dad's sister and her husband lived in the house since the mid-1990's (my father and his brother both passed away young). They moved in to take care of my ailing grandfather and have lived there ever since. My aunt and uncle have no children - my brother, sister and I are the only grandchildren.

My aunt worked hard as a social worker and my uncle is an artist who used to do carpentry but has not worked in a traditional job for the past 20 years. They (mostly my aunt) kept the house in beautiful shape and the neighborhood has become quite popular. My brother lives in the same state - but is not super involved in our side of the family (spends more time with his wife's family). He and my uncle are not close. My then single sister moved back to the state from NYC (where she had lived for 15 years) when my aunt was diagnosed with cancer about 2 years ago. She moved in with my aunt and uncle and helped out a lot as my aunt was sick and passed away. My uncle and sister are close - as I said she lived with them while my aunt was dying and stayed after for a few months until she moved in with her fiance- now husband (it was a whirlwind romance/elopement). I live in DC area with my husband and two kids. My aunt and I were very close and I have always gotten along with my uncle. The house is special to me as I had lived there in high school with my grandfather - had my high school graduation party there, had my wedding reception there, and spent a lot of time with my aunt and uncle when I lived in the state ( I moved away about 8 years ago).

I understand that I could not live in the house - and I understand that it makes sense that my sister live there. But - why not share the financial benefits of the house with my brother and I? OUr family is not wealthy and this is one clear family inheritance. Why is it now just her house? Am I being selfish? At the heart of it is that it was all done without talking to me or my brother about it. She called to talk about which wine glasses or dinnerware I wanted and I found out that way that my uncle had already signed the house over to her. I know I need to get past this for our relationship - any advice on how to do so?

Nah, that isn't very special at all. It's just normal stuff in the course of life. You are trying to make it "special" so you have a reason to be mad.

How old is your uncle? Is he anticipating needing nursing care? If so, he might just be laying the ground work and trying to get rid of assets ahead of time.

We have one rich aunt and uncle. There are 3 of us siblings but my aunt and uncle really only like my sister. I don't doubt that they will leave her something very generous in their will while my brother and I are likely to get nothing. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

I understand why you would feel upset. It was like your family knew this would be upsetting and kept it a secret until it was a done deal. I don't know if it was ever implied that you would inherit a portion, that would be upsetting, too.

[Anonymous]

How much did you contribute to the care of your aunt for the last 2 years? Did you pay your sister a stipend for elder care? How much are you contributing to their household expenses and her pay for the next few years while she takes care of your aging uncle?

She is getting the house as compensation for giving up her life for the last couple of years and the foreseeable future (until your uncle passes) to take care of the older generation. If you had contributed either financially or in time in taking care of your grandparents or your uncle and aunt, then you would have a better claim on the house or any other parts of the estate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing is fair, OP. It's ok to be sad about it.

But please don't be mad at your sister over it. Really, what were the alternatives? You say you couldn't live in the house. Ok, so you wanted to share the financial benefit? How would that work? If he left it equally to all three of you, would your sister still live there? Would you expect her to buy you and your brother out on order to continue living there? If not, how do you actually gain financially from owning 1/3 of it? If she couldn't afford to buy you out, would the house be sold and you three split the proceeds? If it's emotional value that you care about, why would that be any better than your sister living there?

Please try to believe that your uncle was trying to do the right thing ... The same thing his parents did for him. Sharing a property between siblings doesn't always work out well. He thought it best to leave it to one person, who happens to be at a station in life where she could use the help, and who also has been carrying for him. At least that way it stays in the family.

They probably didn't mention it because they felt awkward and didn't know how to bring it up. So at least now it's out on the table. So go ahead and mourn the fact that it won't be yours, and even tell your sister that you're sad about being left out. But if you hold this against her, you'll lose a sister in addition to losing the house.

OP here - This is very helpful. Thank you. I think I am disappointed in my pettiness - in myself for not being able to just be happy for her. I will get there. I think as with all family stories - there is a lot of history that goes into reactions and interpretations - in my head I am responding to people's posts with, "yeah, but..." But, at the end of the day it doesn't matter. It is family. We make family with our choices and and I need to choose to be happy for her. To let this go.

Not that it doesn't matter, rather it doesn't change the fact your sis carried the load. No "yeah, but..." needed.

[Anonymous]

You aren’t owed an inheritance. It was your grandparent’s house. Now it belongs to your uncle. He could have sold it to a an unrelated party and donated the proceeds to charity. Just because it’s “in the family” doesn’t mean you get a share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My aunt left everything to her husband. So it was my uncle's house - and he signed it over to my sister. I get that he wants her to live there and take care of the house (and him). I am not upset at him really for this as I get it. I just wish my sister had shared the process with my brother and me.

My father passed away 25 years ago. My mother lives in the same state as my sister and brother and has remained very close to my dad's family - she and my aunt were like sisters. My mom has chosen to stay out of it in terms of talking with me about it. She has been aware of all that has been going on - and did not share with me because if anyone asks her to not talk about something she won't. I have expressed my anger and frustration to her and asked why she didn't advocate for my brother and I - and she said it wasn't her place.

This is what it boils down to. It was not ever going to be your house. Just because you remember it as your grandparents home does not mean it is now. It became your uncle's home when your aunt died and she willed it to him.

I think if you're honest with yourself you will probably admit that her "discussing" this with you would not have gone well, as she basically would have been saying "hey--so just FYI, I'm going to move into Uncle Larlo's house and take care of him and Uncle Larlo is going to sign the house over to me. Cool?" and you would've said "ummm...no...not cool" and she would have shrugged and said, "okay well that's still what's going to happen, so..." (It would NOT have led to her saying "oh, you're right...I'll ask him if he can just sell the house, move into a retirement village and let the three of us split the profit from the sale!")
I mean, really. On what planet does it make sense for her to say "Uncle Larlo, I talked to brother and sister and we all think it would just be better if you go to a home and leave us the house to sell off and split three ways between us." ??

This way she just tells you after the fact and it's already a done deal that you just need to take a deep breath and move past. It was never going to go a different way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren’t owed an inheritance. It was your grandparent’s house. Now it belongs to your uncle. He could have sold it to a an unrelated party and donated the proceeds to charity. Just because it’s “in the family” doesn’t mean you get a share.

Think about this, until it settles into your mind and you stop feeling entitled. Your uncle could also have remarried and left the house to his new wife. He could have given it to a dear friend or his sibling. There's no entailment that requires it to be kept in the family.

It sounds as if your sister has done a lot for your aunt and uncle, and this is her reward. It's hard to let go of greedy and petty feelings, but you must keep quiet and work on it.

[Anonymous]

OP you're being entitled. I don't see you moving to take care of your uncle, your sister did. What you mentioned as being special and meaningful is not that at all - or you won't be thinking about how to split the profit of the house 3 ways. If you want the house so much step up and help care for your uncle too, other than that you have no right to be angry. Get a grip. And if you break your relationship with your sister over this, its all on you, not her.

[Anonymous]

Another vote that you're being entitled and unreasonable, OP.

The PPs are right - about the house not being special to you really since you said you'd be happy with a payment, about your sister stepping up when you didn't even though she (presumably) didn't know she'd inherit anything, and mostly about it not being your grandparents' house. They rightfully willed it to your uncle, and now he is rightfully willing it to your sister. Who presumably feels even more of a burden now to look after your uncle.

To be honest, it's hard for me to really understand how you could possibly expect anything. You chose to focus on your own life and not your uncle. Your sister chose otherwise. So now you can continue to focus on your own life, and your sister can do otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She took care of your dying aunt and is now taking care of your uncle. She deserves it. You have a house, she does not.

+1

She upended her life to care for them, OP.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She took care of your dying aunt and is now taking care of your uncle. She deserves it. You have a house, she does not.

Yep. Anything else is going to sound awfully greedy on your part, OP.

Feel a little sad, sure, but you aren't putting in the work, your sister is. And I say that as a far away relative to my family myself.

[Anonymous]

From your uncle's perspective, he can rely on her to take care of him in his old age. He's impressed that she went above and beyond, and it's a reward to her for her loyalty. He also will live in the house and benefit from her care. What better could he have done with his hard earned money and labor over his lifetime than give it to someone who was this loyal to them in time of need? It's appropriate, and I think you should support that and understand the different between throwing a graduation party and living there for a while is way different than someone uprooting their life and becoming caretaker to a relative who is dying. And she's care for him as he's dying in the future.

I don't mean to be unkind, but you're being selfish and jealous. It's not right. You need to be happy for your sister and supportive to her in every way you can.

[Anonymous]

Your uncle could literally have signed it over to a cat. It’s his property—not yours. Now it’s hers. Zero to do with you or your brother.

Want a house? Earn, save, buy. The end.