MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son

[Anonymous]

OP, this isn't a financial problem, it's a relationship problem.

Regardless of what you two have agreed upon financially, it sounds like you need to either create or revisit an agreement for what is and is not okay to discuss outside of your marriage.

DH and I still need to discuss this sometimes after 10 years of marriage because he is fine with his parents knowing every intimate detail of our finances, but I am much more private.

So if it isn't okay with you that he's discussing his issues with his mom instead of you, that seems like the place to start. Not to minimize how rude and inappropriate her comment to you was, but that seems to me more like a symptom than the original issue.

[Anonymous]

I find it odd that OP keeps mentioning makeup as an expense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are able to save for your 401k because your husband is covering the rent, which is surely much more than car insurance. Who pays for utilities and entertainment? Why does this seem fair to you? (Of course, depending where you live, that 401k is a marital asset so he gets part of it if you split up.) Even with student loans, he could start a 491k if you paid some rent.

My guess is you complain about his mother and she complains about you, and he feels caught in the middle. There are two separate issues here: his mother and your finances. I don’t know how old you are, but you could stick up for yourself with his mother, subtly find out whether this is coming from her or from him, and decide that her opinion is not part of your relationship with your husband. In future you can decide whether to (1) hear her out, not get upset, and delete it from your mind or (2) stop her from giving her unsolicited opinion and burying into your marriage. We don’t know your MIL or your marriage, so we don’t know if she’s a busybody or if she sees her son in a bad situation and felt she had to speak up for him out of desperation.

WTF? Havent you heard of living on one income/saving the other?

“WTF?” OP’s rhetoric is “my 401k” and “he doesn’t have a 401k.” I’m not sure the saying means “live on his income so I can save my income for my 401k.”

OP here.

WHAT is your problem. I am MARRIED. That is OUR 401K. If, God forbid, we were to divorce, he'd claim half of it.

Do SAHMs get this hard a time for living off their DH's income?

I'm confused by all the criticism. Since both of us cant save, one of us needs to focus earnings on that.

It depends. If you're spending $500 on your make-up while he can't have a 401k, that's a problem.

Perhaps your MIL is having legitimate concerns about your frivolous spending?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are able to save for your 401k because your husband is covering the rent, which is surely much more than car insurance. Who pays for utilities and entertainment? Why does this seem fair to you? (Of course, depending where you live, that 401k is a marital asset so he gets part of it if you split up.) Even with student loans, he could start a 491k if you paid some rent.

My guess is you complain about his mother and she complains about you, and he feels caught in the middle. There are two separate issues here: his mother and your finances. I don’t know how old you are, but you could stick up for yourself with his mother, subtly find out whether this is coming from her or from him, and decide that her opinion is not part of your relationship with your husband. In future you can decide whether to (1) hear her out, not get upset, and delete it from your mind or (2) stop her from giving her unsolicited opinion and burying into your marriage. We don’t know your MIL or your marriage, so we don’t know if she’s a busybody or if she sees her son in a bad situation and felt she had to speak up for him out of desperation.

WTF? Havent you heard of living on one income/saving the other?

“WTF?” OP’s rhetoric is “my 401k” and “he doesn’t have a 401k.” I’m not sure the saying means “live on his income so I can save my income for my 401k.”

OP here.

WHAT is your problem. I am MARRIED. That is OUR 401K. If, God forbid, we were to divorce, he'd claim half of it.

Do SAHMs get this hard a time for living off their DH's income?

I'm confused by all the criticism. Since both of us cant save, one of us needs to focus earnings on that.

You are confused because you do not want to see the truth because it makes you look selfish. You are married but for some reason you are keeping separate finances. So your name is on the 401 K so in a divorce your lawyers could argue it is yours. Your husband is using up all of his money paying for the day to day things. You could very easily walk away and he would have no savings. I think his mom is smart to be concerned.

If things are so great, then sit down and redo who pays what somthat you both have savings and retirement and you both chip in for all the living expenses. Maybe he pays more, but you should still be helping. As you say, you are married. So start acting like it instead of acting like a kept woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are able to save for your 401k because your husband is covering the rent, which is surely much more than car insurance. Who pays for utilities and entertainment? Why does this seem fair to you? (Of course, depending where you live, that 401k is a marital asset so he gets part of it if you split up.) Even with student loans, he could start a 491k if you paid some rent.

My guess is you complain about his mother and she complains about you, and he feels caught in the middle. There are two separate issues here: his mother and your finances. I don’t know how old you are, but you could stick up for yourself with his mother, subtly find out whether this is coming from her or from him, and decide that her opinion is not part of your relationship with your husband. In future you can decide whether to (1) hear her out, not get upset, and delete it from your mind or (2) stop her from giving her unsolicited opinion and burying into your marriage. We don’t know your MIL or your marriage, so we don’t know if she’s a busybody or if she sees her son in a bad situation and felt she had to speak up for him out of desperation.

WTF? Havent you heard of living on one income/saving the other?

“WTF?” OP’s rhetoric is “my 401k” and “he doesn’t have a 401k.” I’m not sure the saying means “live on his income so I can save my income for my 401k.”

OP here.

WHAT is your problem. I am MARRIED. That is OUR 401K. If, God forbid, we were to divorce, he'd claim half of it.

Do SAHMs get this hard a time for living off their DH's income?

I'm confused by all the criticism. Since both of us cant save, one of us needs to focus earnings on that.

I feel you OP...and yes, these boards are full of what I presume are nasty wohm’s and mra’s who rail on sahm’s for not contributing to the household. They ignore the fact that most people’s contributions to a relationship are not 100% the same, and they share resources and labor based on whatever works for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I work as a marketing manager and make a decent salary and am planning to go get a graduate degree. I have paid for everything on my own since we started dating except that my DH would buy me dinner.

In our marriage, since he earns more, he pays for rent and groceries. I buy groceries every few weeks too and pay for gas for the car. I also contribute half to our car payment and pay all of our car insurance.

I am the only one contributing to our savings and am saving aggressively for my 401K. DH doesn't have one yet as he is paying off his school loans.

I do not see how MIL perceives me as being lazy and a moocher.

And God forbid I want to stay home and have to rely on my husband. HOW is that a problem?

I told my DH what his mother said he he blew up at me saying he cannot control his mother and she is her own person and it makes no sense for me to complain to him about her behavior.

I feel dejected and alone. I feel like my personal boundaries are being invaded and no one is helping.

Your husband is paying every dime he has towards rent, grocieries and his student loans. in the meantime you are buying gas for your vehicle, car insurance, chipping in for groceries every few weeks and socking money away into your 401K. You are making out like a bandit being married. Your husband not so much - he is paying for all of the rent, most of the groceries and has no savings in his 401K to show for it.

Obviously, your finances are not my business but I don't think that your husband would be unreasonable to complain about the way that finances are handled. I would personally want my husband to contribute to his 401K to at least get the employer match. That would benefit you both in the long run. Assuming you are in it for the long run....

That said, your MIL should stay out of it. Her son is a big boy now and he is more than capable of making these decisions for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are able to save for your 401k because your husband is covering the rent, which is surely much more than car insurance. Who pays for utilities and entertainment? Why does this seem fair to you? (Of course, depending where you live, that 401k is a marital asset so he gets part of it if you split up.) Even with student loans, he could start a 491k if you paid some rent.

My guess is you complain about his mother and she complains about you, and he feels caught in the middle. There are two separate issues here: his mother and your finances. I don’t know how old you are, but you could stick up for yourself with his mother, subtly find out whether this is coming from her or from him, and decide that her opinion is not part of your relationship with your husband. In future you can decide whether to (1) hear her out, not get upset, and delete it from your mind or (2) stop her from giving her unsolicited opinion and burying into your marriage. We don’t know your MIL or your marriage, so we don’t know if she’s a busybody or if she sees her son in a bad situation and felt she had to speak up for him out of desperation.

WTF? Havent you heard of living on one income/saving the other?

“WTF?” OP’s rhetoric is “my 401k” and “he doesn’t have a 401k.” I’m not sure the saying means “live on his income so I can save my income for my 401k.”

OP here.

WHAT is your problem. I am MARRIED. That is OUR 401K. If, God forbid, we were to divorce, he'd claim half of it.

Do SAHMs get this hard a time for living off their DH's income?

I'm confused by all the criticism. Since both of us cant save, one of us needs to focus earnings on that.

This is such a weird way to think about it OP. So your husband covers the big expenses like rent/mortgage/utilities and you get to save your income? How about you act like responsible adults and use your combined incomes to pay your bills and fund each of your retirement accounts. You sound so dim.

[Anonymous]

OP....How much money exactly do you spend each month on hair and makeup?

[Anonymous]

My MIL doesn't know squat about our expenses or our income.
She wouldn't be able to handle it anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the MIL's side. You pay for all your make-up and facials? Good for you. But that's a ridiculous pittance. If your husband is 'young' I'm pretty sure you're the same. I don't get why women deliberate sideline their careers and make crappy wages, then look to the male in the relationship to pay for every single thing like its owed to them. He's picking up 95% of the expenses (bills and utilities) and you're upset because MIL called your lazy ass on it.

Agree

What OP said: "I do not earn as much as him and I have offered to pitch in multiple times but he says no he’s got it."

Seriously? The wife is supposed to figure out he has lied to her and is now using his mother to get what he really wants. Why not just answer truthfully when she asked? To make the marriage more dramatic?
Sounds like you are projecting.

You don't offer to pick up household financials like you're going out to brunch and a friend offered to buy you coffee. The OP is an adult and should know that she should be expected to contribute equally. Of course, when acting like a child gets her out of the obligation she'll act like its okay that he's responsible for everything.

I strongly disagree. I make quite a bit more than DH and he came into our marriage with a lot of debt so I cover most of our living expenses. He offers regularly to pay for things and I, as an adult should, USE MY WORDS and let him know when I need him to cover things I have traditionally paid for.

OP and her husband came up with a system for who pays for what. Is it a system you would choose? Maybe not, but they came up with it and he has told her he's fine with it. If he's not, he needs to put on his big kid pants and talk to his wife about it, not go run to mommy and complain like it's some kindergarten playdate going south.

NP here. Complete bullshit. OP lacks empathy if the system they came up with allows her to save money in her 401K while her husband cannot afford to. You will not feel so generous with your husband if you ended up with less than he did.

The system does not work because they husband ends up with less money saved than OP does. OP should insist that they each save an equal amount in their 401Ks. Splitting money only works if it is fair, not when one spouse ends up using all their money to pay for household bills and the other has savings.

He is definitely complaining to his mother. She needs to butt out, the husband needs to speak up, and OP needs to put herself in his shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the MIL's side. You pay for all your make-up and facials? Good for you. But that's a ridiculous pittance. If your husband is 'young' I'm pretty sure you're the same. I don't get why women deliberate sideline their careers and make crappy wages, then look to the male in the relationship to pay for every single thing like its owed to them. He's picking up 95% of the expenses (bills and utilities) and you're upset because MIL called your lazy ass on it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MILs need to take their fear to therapy and butt out.

This is the attitude that inspires hostility between MILs and DILs.

It also kills relationships between MILs and sons. My MIL is finally willing to accept that I wasn't "taking advantage" of her son. (I work at a law firm and have always made 2-4 times the salary so he thought she was crazy.). Well, guess what? A day late and a dollar short. DH wants nothing to do with his mom after her crazy for 10 years. I don't think she'll be able to atone hard or long enough for the stress she caused me, DH, and our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the MIL's side. You pay for all your make-up and facials? Good for you. But that's a ridiculous pittance. If your husband is 'young' I'm pretty sure you're the same. I don't get why women deliberate sideline their careers and make crappy wages, then look to the male in the relationship to pay for every single thing like its owed to them. He's picking up 95% of the expenses (bills and utilities) and you're upset because MIL called your lazy ass on it.

Agree

What OP said: "I do not earn as much as him and I have offered to pitch in multiple times but he says no he’s got it."

Seriously? The wife is supposed to figure out he has lied to her and is now using his mother to get what he really wants. Why not just answer truthfully when she asked? To make the marriage more dramatic?
Sounds like you are projecting.

You don't offer to pick up household financials like you're going out to brunch and a friend offered to buy you coffee. The OP is an adult and should know that she should be expected to contribute equally. Of course, when acting like a child gets her out of the obligation she'll act like its okay that he's responsible for everything.

I strongly disagree. I make quite a bit more than DH and he came into our marriage with a lot of debt so I cover most of our living expenses. He offers regularly to pay for things and I, as an adult should, USE MY WORDS and let him know when I need him to cover things I have traditionally paid for.

OP and her husband came up with a system for who pays for what. Is it a system you would choose? Maybe not, but they came up with it and he has told her he's fine with it. If he's not, he needs to put on his big kid pants and talk to his wife about it, not go run to mommy and complain like it's some kindergarten playdate going south.

NP here. Complete bullshit. OP lacks empathy if the system they came up with allows her to save money in her 401K while her husband cannot afford to. You will not feel so generous with your husband if you ended up with less than he did.

The system does not work because they husband ends up with less money saved than OP does. OP should insist that they each save an equal amount in their 401Ks. Splitting money only works if it is fair, not when one spouse ends up using all their money to pay for household bills and the other has savings.

He is definitely complaining to his mother. She needs to butt out, the husband needs to speak up, and OP needs to put herself in his shoes.

I agree with this. Personally, I find it odd to to want to have separate accounts and deal with the his/hers accounting but I know it works for some couples. But it can only work if both spouses feel 100% comfortable with the arrangement. It should require regular review of expenses, both contributing to savings. That may mean OP needs to pay towards DH's student loans so he can fund retirement savings. Yes, in a divorce "her" 401k will need to be split with DH, but in this his/hers $$ relationship, it may feel more equitable if he has a 401k in his own name (even though that would also be split in a divorce).

The his/hers money arrangement seems like a big, unnecessary hassle to me. However, if the marriage is not on firm footing - as this one seems it is not -- then I wouldn't recommend going to fully joint finances at this point. This couple needs to go to marriage counseling. DH probably is complaining to his mom, lacks boundaries with mom, "blew up" at OP over clarifying the money situation. They have big communication issues along with the ILs and money issues.

[Anonymous]

I’m in the camp that thinks mil should butt out, but I’m sympathetic with her position.

Dh apparently has to pay all major expenses and his student loans, while op pays some minor expenses and gets to save money in her 401k plus have “fun”money left over. I am assuming her dh has no such fun money for himself, since he’s not even putting money into a 401k.

And op has the audacity to say on here that she’s also totally entitled to be a sahm.

If I were the mil, I’d also be seeing huge red flags about the dil. When does her son ever get to get ahead or have any financial upside for himself??

Of course I think it’s totally weird they don’t just share accounts and see this marriage heading quickly to divorce. Op I’d be surprised if you last 5 years, but that’s just my bet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the MIL's side. You pay for all your make-up and facials? Good for you. But that's a ridiculous pittance. If your husband is 'young' I'm pretty sure you're the same. I don't get why women deliberate sideline their careers and make crappy wages, then look to the male in the relationship to pay for every single thing like its owed to them. He's picking up 95% of the expenses (bills and utilities) and you're upset because MIL called your lazy ass on it.

New flash - A lot of women have to sideline their career and then take a job with crappy wages BECAUSE the husband WON"T step up and parent or housekeep 50/50.

BTW you're an a$$ but you sound like a bitter ex-H.