MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
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Anonymous
Not OP, it’s not for you to understand. Just because you don’t do something does not mean it doesn’t work for others. My husband and I have separate finances, have never disagreeed about money and it works for us. He pays for everything, we have no debt except a mortgage and we have successful careers. If someone is in an abusive relationship or their spouse or partner is reckless with money you absolutely should keep your finances separate for the reasons of financial security to get out of an abusive relationship or to ensure the bills get paid if your spouse or partner is going to blow their paycheck once it’s deposited. One of the main reasons victims of abuse never leave is because they have no money to do it. A separate savings or checking your spouse does not have access to is not a bad thing unless you are buying drugs or hookers, etc... |
Anonymous
If I was OP, I would laugh this off. First, if MIL pulled you aside, it is likely this was brewing in her mind. Recognize a generational difference. Maybe MIL did not work outside the home when your husband was growing up, maybe she never handled the finances, maybe she was bad with money or any other reason she sees your situation through a different lense. My mom says that my SIL is financially demanding of my brother, but doesn’t have the nerve to say it to SIL’s face. Is SIL financially demanding? Maybe, but they both work and seemingly live within their means. Am I financially demanding of my husband? You could make that argument. We take nice vacations, live in a nice house and he buys me nice jewelry, but we both work and do not have any financial problems. This maybe something your MIL perceives. Don’t be so quick to think about throwing your relationship away because of this. Next time your MIL pulls you aside, have a comfortable response ready ‘Thanks for your input Gladys, WE do what works best for US’ or MYOFB 
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Anonymous
| "Maybe you should talk to Sebastian, Larla." |
Anonymous
+1 Don’t escalate this. Ignore or laugh it off. Don’t engage in conversations with mil. If your dh has issues then address those. But right now there’s no evidence he does. |
Anonymous
| Are bills jointly in your name? If not, fix that, and start contributing to household bills. If not, you're making yourself very vulnerable. |
Anonymous
| How would MIL even be privy to this private information? I have no problem with spouses who keep things separate but I can't really see how outside people need to know the intimate details of how you organize your finances. I think you need to tell your MIL: This is none of your business but also talk to your husband. Talk to your husband to see if this is how he is feeling, in which case, rectify that, and also to make sure he understands this is not for discussion outside the two of you. |
Anonymous
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So you have a well paid job that you use for shoes and make up?
Do you know about maxing our 401k??? |
Anonymous
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My MIL has made similar comments to me, not about financials but about expecting her son to be an equal participant/contributor to managing our home/family. She thinks I'm a big meanie head for expecting DH to equally parent, to clean up as much as I do, to cook (not as much as I do but at least once a week), etc. I'm able to brush her comments off because DH and I are happy and comfortable with our division of labor. DH loves being an involved dad, knows he is just as responsible for cleaning as I am, and takes a lot of pride in making us a nice dinner on the weekends. MIL just has her own baggage and expectations as she was a SAHM and the full on household manager when she was raising DH and my FIL was "just" the breadwinner and did nothing around the house other than the "manly" stuff like mowing the lawn. She can't really understand how our division of labor could possibly work since it's so different from hers.
Check in with your DH to see how he's feeling about the situation and, unless he's been confiding in his mother that he has an issue (which is a big no no in my book, you talk to your spouse about that sh*t), then ignore your MIL. |
Anonymous
New poster, but I am married, and my husband and I split expenses. We have a joint savings account, but we don't pay bills from it. |
Anonymous
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You need to talk this over with your husband.
The lesson here is that NOTHING can be shared with such an overprotective and anxious person like your MIL. She will always manage to turn it against you and others. It will be hard for your husband not to say certain things! He will continue to share some info, not necessarily financial, which she will continue to use against you. He must also explain to her that a couple is united in its finances as well as everything else, and makes joint decisions. He will likely have to repeat that several times every year. My mother does the same thing with my husband. I made a grave mistake early in our relationship by complaining about him to her, and since she was already super worried, it spurred her to actual accusations and verbal attacks on both of us, but mainly directly at him. So, first, get your husband on board. |
Anonymous
| I'm on the MIL's side. You pay for all your make-up and facials? Good for you. But that's a ridiculous pittance. If your husband is 'young' I'm pretty sure you're the same. I don't get why women deliberate sideline their careers and make crappy wages, then look to the male in the relationship to pay for every single thing like its owed to them. He's picking up 95% of the expenses (bills and utilities) and you're upset because MIL called your lazy ass on it. |
Anonymous
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To your MIL directly, either don't respond or say it's between you and your husband.
As for your husband, you have to consider that your MIL got this from somewhere. Obviously your husband has told her how you order your finances, you just don't know if the anxiety is all hers or if he expressed it to her first. That's a conversation to have with your husband, to get his honest feelings about your financial situation. After that, you might be well-served to take a look at your finances and see if you really are carrying your weight in the household. You mention rent and bills, but what about retirement savings? Emergency fund? Saving to buy a house (if that's the plan)? Even if all of your contributions are kept in separate accounts from your husband's contributions, are you making your fair share of contributions to those items, or are you expecting that he'll pay the bill when you need a new car, will save for a house down payment himself and will make sure you can both afford to retire someday? |
Anonymous
Agree |
Anonymous
| Who pays the rent/mortgage? |
Anonymous
| Do you have kids? |