MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a marriage that needs to end before kids are brought into the picture. No one gets to yell at you when you're trying to clarifying information you were given regarding that persons unhappiness. He sounds very immature. Get out while it's still easy.

+1

[Anonymous]

I don't understand. What does she want you to do, OP? You are already working full time. Are you supposed to get a job delivering pizzas in the evenings? Go to law school? This is a ridiculous thing to bring up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. What does she want you to do, OP? You are already working full time. Are you supposed to get a job delivering pizzas in the evenings? Go to law school? This is a ridiculous thing to bring up.

How about more equally share the costs of housing and expenses? Pay for the water and electricity bills in addition to 35% of the rent would be a good start. Instead OP is squirreling away money in her 401K and for her hairstyling services. Really?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the MIL's side. You pay for all your make-up and facials? Good for you. But that's a ridiculous pittance. If your husband is 'young' I'm pretty sure you're the same. I don't get why women deliberate sideline their careers and make crappy wages, then look to the male in the relationship to pay for every single thing like its owed to them. He's picking up 95% of the expenses (bills and utilities) and you're upset because MIL called your lazy ass on it.

Agree

What OP said: "I do not earn as much as him and I have offered to pitch in multiple times but he says no he’s got it."

Seriously? The wife is supposed to figure out he has lied to her and is now using his mother to get what he really wants. Why not just answer truthfully when she asked? To make the marriage more dramatic?
Sounds like you are projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the MIL's side. You pay for all your make-up and facials? Good for you. But that's a ridiculous pittance. If your husband is 'young' I'm pretty sure you're the same. I don't get why women deliberate sideline their careers and make crappy wages, then look to the male in the relationship to pay for every single thing like its owed to them. He's picking up 95% of the expenses (bills and utilities) and you're upset because MIL called your lazy ass on it.

Agree

What OP said: "I do not earn as much as him and I have offered to pitch in multiple times but he says no he’s got it."

Seriously? The wife is supposed to figure out he has lied to her and is now using his mother to get what he really wants. Why not just answer truthfully when she asked? To make the marriage more dramatic?
Sounds like you are projecting.

You don't offer to pick up household financials like you're going out to brunch and a friend offered to buy you coffee. The OP is an adult and should know that she should be expected to contribute equally. Of course, when acting like a child gets her out of the obligation she'll act like its okay that he's responsible for everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the MIL's side. You pay for all your make-up and facials? Good for you. But that's a ridiculous pittance. If your husband is 'young' I'm pretty sure you're the same. I don't get why women deliberate sideline their careers and make crappy wages, then look to the male in the relationship to pay for every single thing like its owed to them. He's picking up 95% of the expenses (bills and utilities) and you're upset because MIL called your lazy ass on it.

Agree

What OP said: "I do not earn as much as him and I have offered to pitch in multiple times but he says no he’s got it."

Seriously? The wife is supposed to figure out he has lied to her and is now using his mother to get what he really wants. Why not just answer truthfully when she asked? To make the marriage more dramatic?
Sounds like you are projecting.

You don't offer to pick up household financials like you're going out to brunch and a friend offered to buy you coffee. The OP is an adult and should know that she should be expected to contribute equally. Of course, when acting like a child gets her out of the obligation she'll act like its okay that he's responsible for everything.

I strongly disagree. I make quite a bit more than DH and he came into our marriage with a lot of debt so I cover most of our living expenses. He offers regularly to pay for things and I, as an adult should, USE MY WORDS and let him know when I need him to cover things I have traditionally paid for.

OP and her husband came up with a system for who pays for what. Is it a system you would choose? Maybe not, but they came up with it and he has told her he's fine with it. If he's not, he needs to put on his big kid pants and talk to his wife about it, not go run to mommy and complain like it's some kindergarten playdate going south.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the MIL's side. You pay for all your make-up and facials? Good for you. But that's a ridiculous pittance. If your husband is 'young' I'm pretty sure you're the same. I don't get why women deliberate sideline their careers and make crappy wages, then look to the male in the relationship to pay for every single thing like its owed to them. He's picking up 95% of the expenses (bills and utilities) and you're upset because MIL called your lazy ass on it.

Agree

What OP said: "I do not earn as much as him and I have offered to pitch in multiple times but he says no he’s got it."

Seriously? The wife is supposed to figure out he has lied to her and is now using his mother to get what he really wants. Why not just answer truthfully when she asked? To make the marriage more dramatic?
Sounds like you are projecting.

You don't offer to pick up household financials like you're going out to brunch and a friend offered to buy you coffee. The OP is an adult and should know that she should be expected to contribute equally. Of course, when acting like a child gets her out of the obligation she'll act like its okay that he's responsible for everything.

I strongly disagree. I make quite a bit more than DH and he came into our marriage with a lot of debt so I cover most of our living expenses. He offers regularly to pay for things and I, as an adult should, USE MY WORDS and let him know when I need him to cover things I have traditionally paid for.

OP and her husband came up with a system for who pays for what. Is it a system you would choose? Maybe not, but they came up with it and he has told her he's fine with it. If he's not, he needs to put on his big kid pants and talk to his wife about it, not go run to mommy and complain like it's some kindergarten playdate going south.

+ 1 if he's old enough to be married and hold down a job, presumably he's old enough to speak for himself.

[Anonymous]

Why would she pay equally if he earns more? And why do you think OP is sidelining her career? I’m a social worker and I’ll never make as much as DH, and we don’t split bills equally. We split based on our incomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I have a job too and I pay for all of my expenses. DH pays for all the bills and rent. I do not earn as much as him and I have offered to pitch in multiple times but he says no he’s got it. I buy my own shoes clothes makeup etc.

I am very disturbed by this as I am unsure I can be in a relationship where I am going to be made to feel bad for relying on my husband.

what is he talking about. You are married,right? You have co-mingled, shared bank accounts, right? Why are you arguing about who pays what bill or rent? It's all from the same pool of money.
Get this together asap.

As for MIL, she sounds like a B*tch who likes to gossip and stir up trouble. Play dumb and ask her what she is talking about? Make some jokes. Make her head spin. Then make sure your husband isn't talking about your behind your back with her, or her with him. Yuck. I hope she's not local.

How "young" is he even? WTH was that comment coming from? sounds like she was against the marriage and just won't quit with the wannabe jabs. Yuck.

OP here.

Of course all of it is "our" money. I mean to say income from DH's job vs income from mine. The way it works for us is to primarily have his income cover our living expenses and saving/investing mine in addition to "fun money." Since his income goes towards large living expenses little purchases like makeup, haircuts, I do out of income from my job.

It is HIS mother who thinks of it in her sons money vs my money. It is deeply hurtful, offensive and rude.

She also told me, btw, that when we have children I should really consider keeping my job as having her son as our sole provider will be too much stress for him.

FWIW, We're both 30.

Do you really not get that your husband is complaining about your arrangement to his mother? Instead of being deeply hurt - try talking to your husband about how he really feels.

I do think this DH is complaining in some way to his mother. He may not say directly to her "Mom, I pay all the bills and it stresses me out" but he could do that typical man child thing where he plays baby to his mommy where she gives him crap about not seeing her often enough and he says something like, "Oh, I know and I am so sorry, I'm just under so much stress being the breadwinner and all" and MIL eats it right up. I see my BIL do this and have seen other men play this role as well. Luckily my DH does not.

[Anonymous]

Also, it sounds like this DH has significant school debt. Maybe OP has been smart not to commingle fully with him, in the event things go south, you will be glad you are putting your own money into savings and retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are able to save for your 401k because your husband is covering the rent, which is surely much more than car insurance. Who pays for utilities and entertainment? Why does this seem fair to you? (Of course, depending where you live, that 401k is a marital asset so he gets part of it if you split up.) Even with student loans, he could start a 491k if you paid some rent.

My guess is you complain about his mother and she complains about you, and he feels caught in the middle. There are two separate issues here: his mother and your finances. I don’t know how old you are, but you could stick up for yourself with his mother, subtly find out whether this is coming from her or from him, and decide that her opinion is not part of your relationship with your husband. In future you can decide whether to (1) hear her out, not get upset, and delete it from your mind or (2) stop her from giving her unsolicited opinion and burying into your marriage. We don’t know your MIL or your marriage, so we don’t know if she’s a busybody or if she sees her son in a bad situation and felt she had to speak up for him out of desperation.

WTF? Havent you heard of living on one income/saving the other?

“WTF?” OP’s rhetoric is “my 401k” and “he doesn’t have a 401k.” I’m not sure the saying means “live on his income so I can save my income for my 401k.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, it sounds like this DH has significant school debt. Maybe OP has been smart not to commingle fully with him, in the event things go south, you will be glad you are putting your own money into savings and retirement.

He has significant debt because he's paying the COL expenses for two people instead of one. And since they're married guess what - that retirement gets split down the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are able to save for your 401k because your husband is covering the rent, which is surely much more than car insurance. Who pays for utilities and entertainment? Why does this seem fair to you? (Of course, depending where you live, that 401k is a marital asset so he gets part of it if you split up.) Even with student loans, he could start a 491k if you paid some rent.

My guess is you complain about his mother and she complains about you, and he feels caught in the middle. There are two separate issues here: his mother and your finances. I don’t know how old you are, but you could stick up for yourself with his mother, subtly find out whether this is coming from her or from him, and decide that her opinion is not part of your relationship with your husband. In future you can decide whether to (1) hear her out, not get upset, and delete it from your mind or (2) stop her from giving her unsolicited opinion and burying into your marriage. We don’t know your MIL or your marriage, so we don’t know if she’s a busybody or if she sees her son in a bad situation and felt she had to speak up for him out of desperation.

WTF? Havent you heard of living on one income/saving the other?

“WTF?” OP’s rhetoric is “my 401k” and “he doesn’t have a 401k.” I’m not sure the saying means “live on his income so I can save my income for my 401k.”

OP here.

WHAT is your problem. I am MARRIED. That is OUR 401K. If, God forbid, we were to divorce, he'd claim half of it.

Do SAHMs get this hard a time for living off their DH's income?

I'm confused by all the criticism. Since both of us cant save, one of us needs to focus earnings on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are able to save for your 401k because your husband is covering the rent, which is surely much more than car insurance. Who pays for utilities and entertainment? Why does this seem fair to you? (Of course, depending where you live, that 401k is a marital asset so he gets part of it if you split up.) Even with student loans, he could start a 491k if you paid some rent.

My guess is you complain about his mother and she complains about you, and he feels caught in the middle. There are two separate issues here: his mother and your finances. I don’t know how old you are, but you could stick up for yourself with his mother, subtly find out whether this is coming from her or from him, and decide that her opinion is not part of your relationship with your husband. In future you can decide whether to (1) hear her out, not get upset, and delete it from your mind or (2) stop her from giving her unsolicited opinion and burying into your marriage. We don’t know your MIL or your marriage, so we don’t know if she’s a busybody or if she sees her son in a bad situation and felt she had to speak up for him out of desperation.

WTF? Havent you heard of living on one income/saving the other?

“WTF?” OP’s rhetoric is “my 401k” and “he doesn’t have a 401k.” I’m not sure the saying means “live on his income so I can save my income for my 401k.”

OP here.

WHAT is your problem. I am MARRIED. That is OUR 401K. If, God forbid, we were to divorce, he'd claim half of it.

Do SAHMs get this hard a time for living off their DH's income?

I'm confused by all the criticism. Since both of us cant save, one of us needs to focus earnings on that.

This is reasonable. The OP is doing her share here in saving for their future while the DH is paying down the debt.

How long have you been married?

[Anonymous]

Have a second conversation with your husband. Don't mention the MIL, at this point it isn't about her at all - but just ask him to get real with you. DOES he feel stress as the main breadwinner? Does he feel like the streams of income are being separated properly and fairly? If you have kids, would he be opposed to your staying at home (is this even something you would want to do)? Don't be combative, but also don't let him get away with yelling at you again.