MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I work as a marketing manager and make a decent salary and am planning to go get a graduate degree. I have paid for everything on my own since we started dating except that my DH would buy me dinner.

In our marriage, since he earns more, he pays for rent and groceries. I buy groceries every few weeks too and pay for gas for the car. I also contribute half to our car payment and pay all of our car insurance.

I am the only one contributing to our savings and am saving aggressively for my 401K. DH doesn't have one yet as he is paying off his school loans.

I do not see how MIL perceives me as being lazy and a moocher.

And God forbid I want to stay home and have to rely on my husband. HOW is that a problem?

I told my DH what his mother said he he blew up at me saying he cannot control his mother and she is her own person and it makes no sense for me to complain to him about her behavior.

I feel dejected and alone. I feel like my personal boundaries are being invaded and no one is helping.

Sounds like you now know how he feels about supporting you. Start contributing equally financially to the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I work as a marketing manager and make a decent salary and am planning to go get a graduate degree. I have paid for everything on my own since we started dating except that my DH would buy me dinner.

In our marriage, since he earns more, he pays for rent and groceries. I buy groceries every few weeks too and pay for gas for the car. I also contribute half to our car payment and pay all of our car insurance.

I am the only one contributing to our savings and am saving aggressively for my 401K. DH doesn't have one yet as he is paying off his school loans.

I do not see how MIL perceives me as being lazy and a moocher.

And God forbid I want to stay home and have to rely on my husband. HOW is that a problem?

I told my DH what his mother said he he blew up at me saying he cannot control his mother and she is her own person and it makes no sense for me to complain to him about her behavior.

I feel dejected and alone. I feel like my personal boundaries are being invaded and no one is helping.

This response makes it clear he is complaining to his mother that you're not pulling your weight. I think you need to dig deeper and talk to him about what he's thinking. I feel for you OP... clearly he doesn't have the balls to tell you himself and has to rely on mommy to do it for him...

+1

HELLZ NO.

[Anonymous]

His response is really off. Do you guys intend to have kids?

I think it would be better for your marriage if you viewed your incomes together instead of seperately, and took advantage of the opportunity to put money into his 401k, and together worked at paying off his student loans.

If you intend to stay in the marriage, I would try attending a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University class together and see if it changes both of your thinking about this.

Are there other issues with his mother? Did you guys do any pre-marital counseling?

[Anonymous]

Poor guy. You are taking him for a ride. No wonder MIL is upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am very disturbed by this as I am unsure I can be in a relationship where I am going to be made to feel bad for relying on my husband.

Your mother in law isn't in the relationship though. While you do have to explore if what your mother in law said makes you feel so badly because you sort of agree with her, what matters is what you and your husband think. Not your mother in law.

When it comes to her, just smile and nod.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am very disturbed by this as I am unsure I can be in a relationship where I am going to be made to feel bad for relying on my husband.

Your mother in law isn't in the relationship though. While you do have to explore if what your mother in law said makes you feel so badly because you sort of agree with her, what matters is what you and your husband think. Not your mother in law.

When it comes to her, just smile and nod.

OP's husband agrees with the mother though. When OP tried to bring it up, he yelled at her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I work as a marketing manager and make a decent salary and am planning to go get a graduate degree. I have paid for everything on my own since we started dating except that my DH would buy me dinner.

In our marriage, since he earns more, he pays for rent and groceries. I buy groceries every few weeks too and pay for gas for the car. I also contribute half to our car payment and pay all of our car insurance.

I am the only one contributing to our savings and am saving aggressively for my 401K. DH doesn't have one yet as he is paying off his school loans.

I do not see how MIL perceives me as being lazy and a moocher.

And God forbid I want to stay home and have to rely on my husband. HOW is that a problem?

I told my DH what his mother said he he blew up at me saying he cannot control his mother and she is her own person and it makes no sense for me to complain to him about her behavior.

I feel dejected and alone. I feel like my personal boundaries are being invaded and no one is helping.

Sounds like you now know how he feels about supporting you. Start contributing equally financially to the marriage.

It sounds like she is contributing financially. Doesn't matter if you don't think that what she pays for is a 'real' contribution or not. Retirement savings have to come from somewhere, car insurance is a legal requirement as well as a good idea, cars don't run without gas, and groceries are needed for the household. Rent and utilities are not the only real contributions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I work as a marketing manager and make a decent salary and am planning to go get a graduate degree. I have paid for everything on my own since we started dating except that my DH would buy me dinner.

In our marriage, since he earns more, he pays for rent and groceries. I buy groceries every few weeks too and pay for gas for the car. I also contribute half to our car payment and pay all of our car insurance.

I am the only one contributing to our savings and am saving aggressively for my 401K. DH doesn't have one yet as he is paying off his school loans.

I do not see how MIL perceives me as being lazy and a moocher.

And God forbid I want to stay home and have to rely on my husband. HOW is that a problem?

I told my DH what his mother said he he blew up at me saying he cannot control his mother and she is her own person and it makes no sense for me to complain to him about her behavior.

I feel dejected and alone. I feel like my personal boundaries are being invaded and no one is helping.

Sounds like you now know how he feels about supporting you. Start contributing equally financially to the marriage.

It sounds like she is contributing financially. Doesn't matter if you don't think that what she pays for is a 'real' contribution or not. Retirement savings have to come from somewhere, car insurance is a legal requirement as well as a good idea, cars don't run without gas, and groceries are needed for the household. Rent and utilities are not the only real contributions.

Only two people need to be happy with their financial arrangement- OP and her dh. One of two, the dh, is clearly unhappy with the arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I have a job too and I pay for all of my expenses. DH pays for all the bills and rent. I do not earn as much as him and I have offered to pitch in multiple times but he says no he’s got it. I buy my own shoes clothes makeup etc.

I am very disturbed by this as I am unsure I can be in a relationship where I am going to be made to feel bad for relying on my husband.

So you pay for your share of the food, restaurant tabs, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I work as a marketing manager and make a decent salary and am planning to go get a graduate degree. I have paid for everything on my own since we started dating except that my DH would buy me dinner.

In our marriage, since he earns more, he pays for rent and groceries. I buy groceries every few weeks too and pay for gas for the car. I also contribute half to our car payment and pay all of our car insurance.

I am the only one contributing to our savings and am saving aggressively for my 401K. DH doesn't have one yet as he is paying off his school loans.

I do not see how MIL perceives me as being lazy and a moocher.

And God forbid I want to stay home and have to rely on my husband. HOW is that a problem?

I told my DH what his mother said he he blew up at me saying he cannot control his mother and she is her own person and it makes no sense for me to complain to him about her behavior.

I feel dejected and alone. I feel like my personal boundaries are being invaded and no one is helping.

Why does everyone interpret this as DH is upset about OP's financial contributions?

This is a MIL problem. She's trying to drive a wedge between them, plain and simple. She'll find something other than money to strike with next.

[Anonymous]

1. Tell DH to stop sharing personal details because it’s goi g to cause problems because his mother doesn’t hold her tongue.

2. Tell MIL “Don’t worry; we have our own arrangements.” and repeat as needed.

[Anonymous]

Tell her “Oh I’m well aware he can’t pay for everything. Since I’m the only one contributing to our savings and I do hope the time comes when he’s able to contribute too so we can have some splurging money. He’ll get there, don’t worry!”

And if he is so insistent that he can’t control what his mother says, he certainly shouldn’t be worried about what his wife might say either!

[Anonymous]

"He didn't seem burdened last night when I was giving him a blowie."

[Anonymous]

Disengage.

Disengate.

Disengage.

Disengage.

Disengage.

Do you understand this fully?

Never engage with her again. She can say anything she wants to you, but you don't have to respond. You can just wink at her and walk away. Let her think you're nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I work as a marketing manager and make a decent salary and am planning to go get a graduate degree. I have paid for everything on my own since we started dating except that my DH would buy me dinner.

In our marriage, since he earns more, he pays for rent and groceries. I buy groceries every few weeks too and pay for gas for the car. I also contribute half to our car payment and pay all of our car insurance.

I am the only one contributing to our savings and am saving aggressively for my 401K. DH doesn't have one yet as he is paying off his school loans.

I do not see how MIL perceives me as being lazy and a moocher.

And God forbid I want to stay home and have to rely on my husband. HOW is that a problem?

I told my DH what his mother said he he blew up at me saying he cannot control his mother and she is her own person and it makes no sense for me to complain to him about her behavior.

I feel dejected and alone. I feel like my personal boundaries are being invaded and no one is helping.

Sounds like you now know how he feels about supporting you. Start contributing equally financially to the marriage.

It sounds like she is contributing financially. Doesn't matter if you don't think that what she pays for is a 'real' contribution or not. Retirement savings have to come from somewhere, car insurance is a legal requirement as well as a good idea, cars don't run without gas, and groceries are needed for the household. Rent and utilities are not the only real contributions.

Only two people need to be happy with their financial arrangement- OP and her dh. One of two, the dh, is clearly unhappy with the arrangement.

Exactly. Get a clue PP.