ONS had a child - How screwed am I?

[Anonymous]

The value and importance of a child are not defined by it being the product of a ONS or a meticulous plan by a married couple. It just does not matter if this was casual sex and you weren't planning on having a child. Being a father is not optional, hence child support mandated by the law. You can't simply rescue yourself out of the situation. Well, for women that was never the case anyway - bearing the brunt of abortion, single motherhood, abandonment, etc. have fallen squarely over a woman's shoulders.

It's your obligation to act in the best interest of the child. That means approaching the mother with an open heart and good intentions. You need to acknowledge what she's likely been through, showing up pregnant from a ONS, going through those 9 months and now raising a child alone. This is incredibly tough, although if you've been fighting her in court it just shows how out of touch you are.

Start from there, and try to build an amicable relationship with the mother, by showing goodwill and intent to be part of the child's life. Take one step at a time, but try to let your guard down, because all your calculations are really worthless at this point. You are not screwed. You are a father, or maybe slowly becoming one. Take time to absorb this new reality by dealing with it, instead of escaping it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is being a bit harsh to OP. He's clearly in shock. We don't know how long the mother has kept this from him - shouldn't some responsibility fall on her too? From this account it seems like she wants him just to be a source of income since she couldn't do him the courtesy of notifying him sooner (you know, maybe during the 9 months she was pregnant). Can't have it both ways.

Yeaaaahhh no. He's been in court for probably 2 years? The system is really backed up. Decided not to pay until now and not to attempt to get to know the child. So he just sounds like a dirt bag.

[Anonymous]

Op, some people have been harsh with you. I get that this is not something you planned. I get that it's a kick in the head to suddenly be a father, and to be forced to have a long-term relationship with someone (the mother) you did not plan to have.

It's all happened, however. This is your life and it is happening and you have to decide how you will react.

The easy thing to do is just to send the money and act like it *isn't* happening. I can understand the pull to do that. But. That would just be living in denial. It would be a kind of magical thinking, that this isn't real, and that you don't have responsibilities here.

The mature, adult thing to do is to look at this head-on.

There is a real child, a person, who needs to feel loved and accepted by its creators. This is a pretty fundamental need. Feeling abandoned by a parent can lead to all kinds of emotional issues later in life. This person, this child, this other human being, is half-you and is therefore tied to you for life. This person did nothing wrong, made no choices, and is completely innocent.

Rather than asking "how screwed am I," you could ask yourself, "how wonderful will this be for me?" How wonderful for you to grow as a person, to mature, to look life's challenges head-on and accept them. How wonderful for you to have a link with this child, someone to share in love with you, someone to care for and to feel connected to. How wonderful to know that, come whatever "drama" comes from the mother, you can and will be a stable, accepting, and loving presence in a child's life, and offer them unconditional support and caring. You have it in you to do all of this. If you want to.

Or, you could just walk away.

It all comes down to what kind of person you want to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person to scorn here is the woman who had a baby with a man she barely knew, and never told him about it -- then decided she wanted cash.

OP, now that you have been established as the biological father, you are entitled to half time with the child. So Baby Momma just gave up half of her time with her precious child -- which shows just how much she cares about her kid.

I'm adopted, and I think what this woman did was despicable.

+1

The mother should have given the baby up for adoption to an intact, two-parent home.

Yes. Instead, welcome to your crappy life, child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person to scorn here is the woman who had a baby with a man she barely knew, and never told him about it -- then decided she wanted cash.

OP, now that you have been established as the biological father, you are entitled to half time with the child. So Baby Momma just gave up half of her time with her precious child -- which shows just how much she cares about her kid.

I'm adopted, and I think what this woman did was despicable.

+1

The mother should have given the baby up for adoption to an intact, two-parent home.

Yes. Instead, welcome to your crappy life, child.

You people are ridiculous. First he should have been able to dictate that she get an abortion, now she should have carried the child for a completely hypothetical couple? All of that to avoid OP having to take responsibility for his own child. Handmaid's Tale wasn't supposed to be an instruction manual, idiots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person to scorn here is the woman who had a baby with a man she barely knew, and never told him about it -- then decided she wanted cash.

OP, now that you have been established as the biological father, you are entitled to half time with the child. So Baby Momma just gave up half of her time with her precious child -- which shows just how much she cares about her kid.

I'm adopted, and I think what this woman did was despicable.

+1

The mother should have given the baby up for adoption to an intact, two-parent home.

Yes. Instead, welcome to your crappy life, child.

You people are ridiculous. First he should have been able to dictate that she get an abortion, now she should have carried the child for a completely hypothetical couple? All of that to avoid OP having to take responsibility for his own child. Handmaid's Tale wasn't supposed to be an instruction manual, idiots.

And where is the mom's responsibility here? She can't be bothered to tell the father he is a father until it suits her purposes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person to scorn here is the woman who had a baby with a man she barely knew, and never told him about it -- then decided she wanted cash.

OP, now that you have been established as the biological father, you are entitled to half time with the child. So Baby Momma just gave up half of her time with her precious child -- which shows just how much she cares about her kid.

I'm adopted, and I think what this woman did was despicable.

+1

The mother should have given the baby up for adoption to an intact, two-parent home.

Yes. Instead, welcome to your crappy life, child.

You people are ridiculous. First he should have been able to dictate that she get an abortion, now she should have carried the child for a completely hypothetical couple? All of that to avoid OP having to take responsibility for his own child. Handmaid's Tale wasn't supposed to be an instruction manual, idiots.

And where is the mom's responsibility here? She can't be bothered to tell the father he is a father until it suits her purposes.

What do you mean where's her responsibility? She carried, birthed, and has been raising the child. In contrast to him not wearing a condom and then considering how to get away with doing the least amount possible, I'd say that's pretty responsible. And in the original post, OP said that she had the child "some time ago," which implies that she didn't ask for child support until she had to -- probably because she applied for assistance (most state programs won't carry the dad's weight if he a CS order isn't filed). If I was her I'd try to keep this emotionless robot off my kid's radar too, but sometimes you can't always get what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person to scorn here is the woman who had a baby with a man she barely knew, and never told him about it -- then decided she wanted cash.

OP, now that you have been established as the biological father, you are entitled to half time with the child. So Baby Momma just gave up half of her time with her precious child -- which shows just how much she cares about her kid.

I'm adopted, and I think what this woman did was despicable.

+1

The mother should have given the baby up for adoption to an intact, two-parent home.

Yes. Instead, welcome to your crappy life, child.

You people are ridiculous. First he should have been able to dictate that she get an abortion, now she should have carried the child for a completely hypothetical couple? All of that to avoid OP having to take responsibility for his own child. Handmaid's Tale wasn't supposed to be an instruction manual, idiots.

And where is the mom's responsibility here? She can't be bothered to tell the father he is a father until it suits her purposes.

What do you mean where's her responsibility? She carried, birthed, and has been raising the child. In contrast to him not wearing a condom and then considering how to get away with doing the least amount possible, I'd say that's pretty responsible. And in the original post, OP said that she had the child "some time ago," which implies that she didn't ask for child support until she had to -- probably because she applied for assistance (most state programs won't carry the dad's weight if he a CS order isn't filed). If I was her I'd try to keep this emotionless robot off my kid's radar too, but sometimes you can't always get what you want.

Why canonize this woman's poor behavior? She could have used birth control, known who the heck the guy was, contacted him right away (OP says he recently found out and she had the baby awhile ago.)

Having a baby without a supportive, WILLING partner is NOTHING to be encouraged and celebrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person to scorn here is the woman who had a baby with a man she barely knew, and never told him about it -- then decided she wanted cash.

OP, now that you have been established as the biological father, you are entitled to half time with the child. So Baby Momma just gave up half of her time with her precious child -- which shows just how much she cares about her kid.

I'm adopted, and I think what this woman did was despicable.

+1

The mother should have given the baby up for adoption to an intact, two-parent home.

Yes. Instead, welcome to your crappy life, child.

You people are ridiculous. First he should have been able to dictate that she get an abortion, now she should have carried the child for a completely hypothetical couple? All of that to avoid OP having to take responsibility for his own child. Handmaid's Tale wasn't supposed to be an instruction manual, idiots.

And where is the mom's responsibility here? She can't be bothered to tell the father he is a father until it suits her purposes.

What do you mean where's her responsibility? She carried, birthed, and has been raising the child. In contrast to him not wearing a condom and then considering how to get away with doing the least amount possible, I'd say that's pretty responsible. And in the original post, OP said that she had the child "some time ago," which implies that she didn't ask for child support until she had to -- probably because she applied for assistance (most state programs won't carry the dad's weight if he a CS order isn't filed). If I was her I'd try to keep this emotionless robot off my kid's radar too, but sometimes you can't always get what you want.

Why canonize this woman's poor behavior? She could have used birth control, known who the heck the guy was, contacted him right away (OP says he recently found out and she had the baby awhile ago.)

Having a baby without a supportive, WILLING partner is NOTHING to be encouraged and celebrated.

Now pushing back against the idea that a woman should be forced to have an abortion or give up her child if the father considers it an inconvenience is now "canonization," mmkay. This place is barely a half-step from /redpill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person to scorn here is the woman who had a baby with a man she barely knew, and never told him about it -- then decided she wanted cash.

OP, now that you have been established as the biological father, you are entitled to half time with the child. So Baby Momma just gave up half of her time with her precious child -- which shows just how much she cares about her kid.

I'm adopted, and I think what this woman did was despicable.

+1

The mother should have given the baby up for adoption to an intact, two-parent home.

Yes. Instead, welcome to your crappy life, child.

You people are ridiculous. First he should have been able to dictate that she get an abortion, now she should have carried the child for a completely hypothetical couple? All of that to avoid OP having to take responsibility for his own child. Handmaid's Tale wasn't supposed to be an instruction manual, idiots.

And where is the mom's responsibility here? She can't be bothered to tell the father he is a father until it suits her purposes.

What do you mean where's her responsibility? She carried, birthed, and has been raising the child. In contrast to him not wearing a condom and then considering how to get away with doing the least amount possible, I'd say that's pretty responsible. And in the original post, OP said that she had the child "some time ago," which implies that she didn't ask for child support until she had to -- probably because she applied for assistance (most state programs won't carry the dad's weight if he a CS order isn't filed). If I was her I'd try to keep this emotionless robot off my kid's radar too, but sometimes you can't always get what you want.

Why canonize this woman's poor behavior? She could have used birth control, known who the heck the guy was, contacted him right away (OP says he recently found out and she had the baby awhile ago.)

Having a baby without a supportive, WILLING partner is NOTHING to be encouraged and celebrated.

Now pushing back against the idea that a woman should be forced to have an abortion or give up her child if the father considers it an inconvenience is now "canonization," mmkay. This place is barely a half-step from /redpill.

No one is saying that. A decent person would have consulted (or at least informed) with the father, even if he were a one night stand, so they could discuss it together and he could at least be prepared for the implications. I'm a woman, btw, and think it's really shitty when women treat men like they're only good for sperm banks and wallets. Both parties have a responsibility to prevent unwanted pregnancy but when mistakes or accidents happen a man is just apparently supposed to just deal with it on the mother's terms. OP is paying child support on time without complaint. That's at least a start.

Anyway, none of that matters now because the child is here. But IMO the mother instigated OP's total lack of concern. I wish both parties and the child the best in figuring this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person to scorn here is the woman who had a baby with a man she barely knew, and never told him about it -- then decided she wanted cash.

OP, now that you have been established as the biological father, you are entitled to half time with the child. So Baby Momma just gave up half of her time with her precious child -- which shows just how much she cares about her kid.

I'm adopted, and I think what this woman did was despicable.

+1

The mother should have given the baby up for adoption to an intact, two-parent home.

Yes. Instead, welcome to your crappy life, child.

You people are ridiculous. First he should have been able to dictate that she get an abortion, now she should have carried the child for a completely hypothetical couple? All of that to avoid OP having to take responsibility for his own child. Handmaid's Tale wasn't supposed to be an instruction manual, idiots.

And where is the mom's responsibility here? She can't be bothered to tell the father he is a father until it suits her purposes.

What do you mean where's her responsibility? She carried, birthed, and has been raising the child. In contrast to him not wearing a condom and then considering how to get away with doing the least amount possible, I'd say that's pretty responsible. And in the original post, OP said that she had the child "some time ago," which implies that she didn't ask for child support until she had to -- probably because she applied for assistance (most state programs won't carry the dad's weight if he a CS order isn't filed). If I was her I'd try to keep this emotionless robot off my kid's radar too, but sometimes you can't always get what you want.

Why canonize this woman's poor behavior? She could have used birth control, known who the heck the guy was, contacted him right away (OP says he recently found out and she had the baby awhile ago.)

Having a baby without a supportive, WILLING partner is NOTHING to be encouraged and celebrated.

Now pushing back against the idea that a woman should be forced to have an abortion or give up her child if the father considers it an inconvenience is now "canonization," mmkay. This place is barely a half-step from /redpill.

No one is saying that. A decent person would have consulted (or at least informed) with the father, even if he were a one night stand, so they could discuss it together and he could at least be prepared for the implications. I'm a woman, btw, and think it's really shitty when women treat men like they're only good for sperm banks and wallets. Both parties have a responsibility to prevent unwanted pregnancy but when mistakes or accidents happen a man is just apparently supposed to just deal with it on the mother's terms. OP is paying child support on time without complaint. That's at least a start.

Anyway, none of that matters now because the child is here. But IMO the mother instigated OP's total lack of concern. I wish both parties and the child the best in figuring this out.

Literally, the person I'm responding to (you?) is saying that. I'm a person, btw, and I think it's really shitty when anyone treats a woman like she's only good as an incubator and servant.

She can't instigate his lack of concern. That's not even a coherent thought, let alone sentence. Jesus, the idiots on this thread.

[Anonymous]

What conversation do you want to have with this child 20 years from now:

Kid: Dad, do you wish I had never been born?
You: Yes. You cost me a lot of money and were darn inconvenient and created a lot of drama. I wish your mom had just had an abortion or left me out of it.
Kid: (silence, filled with hate of self and of you)

or

Kid: Dad, do you wish I had never been born?
You: No! I admit, at first I was surprised when your mom told me about you, and scared--I wasn't sure what it meant to be a father, and I worried I wasn't up to the job. But once I met you, I realized you were the joy of my life. Honey, I love you so much, I am so grateful that you are my child and that I get to know you!
Kid: I love you, dad.

Also, if you plan to someday get married and have more kids, consider that
(1) no kind, empathetic woman will consider being married to you if you have a kid out there that you ignore and
(2) if you have a kid you ignore, any other kids you have later on will think about the fact that their reality would have been far different if they had been born in a way that was inconvenient to you. they will think about their half-sibling and wonder what it really means to you to be a dad

[Anonymous]

The woman should be solely responsible for this child. She CHOSE to have it as the result of a drunken one night stand. There is no redemption for her. She failed at the most important job of motherhood: having a good father for her child.

Ask me how I know.

Signed,
Fatherless child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person to scorn here is the woman who had a baby with a man she barely knew, and never told him about it -- then decided she wanted cash.

OP, now that you have been established as the biological father, you are entitled to half time with the child. So Baby Momma just gave up half of her time with her precious child -- which shows just how much she cares about her kid.

I'm adopted, and I think what this woman did was despicable.

+1

The mother should have given the baby up for adoption to an intact, two-parent home.

Yes. Instead, welcome to your crappy life, child.

You people are ridiculous. First he should have been able to dictate that she get an abortion, now she should have carried the child for a completely hypothetical couple? All of that to avoid OP having to take responsibility for his own child. Handmaid's Tale wasn't supposed to be an instruction manual, idiots.

And where is the mom's responsibility here? She can't be bothered to tell the father he is a father until it suits her purposes.

What do you mean where's her responsibility? She carried, birthed, and has been raising the child. In contrast to him not wearing a condom and then considering how to get away with doing the least amount possible, I'd say that's pretty responsible. And in the original post, OP said that she had the child "some time ago," which implies that she didn't ask for child support until she had to -- probably because she applied for assistance (most state programs won't carry the dad's weight if he a CS order isn't filed). If I was her I'd try to keep this emotionless robot off my kid's radar too, but sometimes you can't always get what you want.

Why canonize this woman's poor behavior? She could have used birth control, known who the heck the guy was, contacted him right away (OP says he recently found out and she had the baby awhile ago.)

Having a baby without a supportive, WILLING partner is NOTHING to be encouraged and celebrated.

Now pushing back against the idea that a woman should be forced to have an abortion or give up her child if the father considers it an inconvenience is now "canonization," mmkay. This place is barely a half-step from /redpill.

No one is saying that. A decent person would have consulted (or at least informed) with the father, even if he were a one night stand, so they could discuss it together and he could at least be prepared for the implications. I'm a woman, btw, and think it's really shitty when women treat men like they're only good for sperm banks and wallets. Both parties have a responsibility to prevent unwanted pregnancy but when mistakes or accidents happen a man is just apparently supposed to just deal with it on the mother's terms. OP is paying child support on time without complaint. That's at least a start.

Anyway, none of that matters now because the child is here. But IMO the mother instigated OP's total lack of concern. I wish both parties and the child the best in figuring this out.

Literally, the person I'm responding to (you?) is saying that. I'm a person, btw, and I think it's really shitty when anyone treats a woman like she's only good as an incubator and servant.

She can't instigate his lack of concern. That's not even a coherent thought, let alone sentence. Jesus, the idiots on this thread.

DP, I like you so much right now.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you a professor, possibly on some type of anti-psychotics drug? It's almost as if something isn't working in your thought process. I understand that your are struggling with a situation that you never really wanted, but if you make the effort and keep it simple, your life will have changed for the better.