The Elderly Parent Marathon - is this the new norm?

[Anonymous]

I have 4 siblings and we all travel to visit and help out our 92 year old mother who finally moved into assisted living but refused to move closer to any of her kids. It is very stressful and so far as I can see with excellent care and attitude 90 is the new 80. Lots of lively 90 year olds all the way up to 102 in her facility. It is absolutely a marathon - makes me wish We has a few more kids.

[Anonymous]

50, year old, only child, single and dealing with both of my parents having health issues- one has dementia. Finding a center memory care. I'm exhausted and about to lose my freaking mind! Not sure how much more I can take. ugh

[Anonymous]

People without kids plan ahead, we are more pragmatic. So you can do your own cognitive testing and have a Dignitas fund. I have 30K in what I call, "Business Class to Zurich." I will pay for a vacation to Paris afterwards for a young person to come with me if I can't go on my own. You can't put your head in the sand and dump on your kids. If I get cancer I will use medical aid in dying available where I live, not get treatment just to end up with Alzheimer's.

Personally I think people with kids are selfish, so not planning ahead and doing what is necessary after you live a full life, should be called out as bad behavior not treated as some sort of virtue. Some of the comments about wishing we had more kids to dump on, or more daughters, actually proves my point. I would sacrifice for my child, if I had one, not ruin their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People without kids plan ahead, we are more pragmatic. So you can do your own cognitive testing and have a Dignitas fund. I have 30K in what I call, "Business Class to Zurich." I will pay for a vacation to Paris afterwards for a young person to come with me if I can't go on my own. You can't put your head in the sand and dump on your kids. If I get cancer I will use medical aid in dying available where I live, not get treatment just to end up with Alzheimer's.

Personally I think people with kids are selfish, so not planning ahead and doing what is necessary after you live a full life, should be called out as bad behavior not treated as some sort of virtue. Some of the comments about wishing we had more kids to dump on, or more daughters, actually proves my point. I would sacrifice for my child, if I had one, not ruin their life.

Uh, I have kids and I am not expecting them to devote their lives to caring for me in my old age. Getting old sucks - I know that, everyone knows that. Luckily, we have many, many years to plan for ourselves.

[Anonymous]

I will use medical aid in dying available where I live

I think this will become much more common and I support it. But having "a way" to do it will not be enough. "The will" to take action will be beyond what most people are capable of even when they are mentally competent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I will use medical aid in dying available where I live

I think this will become much more common and I support it. But having "a way" to do it will not be enough. "The will" to take action will be beyond what most people are capable of even when they are mentally competent.

I am not going to get hung up on worrying about what the end stretch of my life is going to be. I will assume that, like most people, I will have a good long stretch where I am in reasonable health but as I age I will want progressively less and less yard work, house cleaning, cooking, etc to do. I might want to be able to stop driving so much and have some help with transportation. Maybe I'll enjoy hanging around peers that are going through the same stage of life and can commiserate with me and approach life at a slower pace than the younger folks do.

I'm sure that I'll enjoy having visits from my grown kids and any grandchildren I might have, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People without kids plan ahead, we are more pragmatic. So you can do your own cognitive testing and have a Dignitas fund. I have 30K in what I call, "Business Class to Zurich." I will pay for a vacation to Paris afterwards for a young person to come with me if I can't go on my own. You can't put your head in the sand and dump on your kids. If I get cancer I will use medical aid in dying available where I live, not get treatment just to end up with Alzheimer's.

Personally I think people with kids are selfish, so not planning ahead and doing what is necessary after you live a full life, should be called out as bad behavior not treated as some sort of virtue. Some of the comments about wishing we had more kids to dump on, or more daughters, actually proves my point. I would sacrifice for my child, if I had one, not ruin their life.

Personally, I see your point of view as selfish. This is an American way of thinking.

How people treat their elders is very cultural. Other cultures don't see our ailing parents as a burden That's not to say it's not a stressful job, but like raising children, it's something that needs to be done and it's done out of love and yes, obligation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People without kids plan ahead, we are more pragmatic. So you can do your own cognitive testing and have a Dignitas fund. I have 30K in what I call, "Business Class to Zurich." I will pay for a vacation to Paris afterwards for a young person to come with me if I can't go on my own. You can't put your head in the sand and dump on your kids. If I get cancer I will use medical aid in dying available where I live, not get treatment just to end up with Alzheimer's.

Personally I think people with kids are selfish, so not planning ahead and doing what is necessary after you live a full life, should be called out as bad behavior not treated as some sort of virtue. Some of the comments about wishing we had more kids to dump on, or more daughters, actually proves my point. I would sacrifice for my child, if I had one, not ruin their life.

Personally, I see your point of view as selfish. This is an American way of thinking.

How people treat their elders is very cultural. Other cultures don't see our ailing parents as a burden That's not to say it's not a stressful job, but like raising children, it's something that needs to be done and it's done out of love and yes, obligation.

I sometimes think it is related to the love and closeness of parents. My siblings, grandkids and I were very, very close to my parents. My parents were the best parents a kid could ever ask for. Incredibly supportive, unconditional love, ---stern when needed growing up. They had a joy for life and were best friends to my brother, sister and I as we got older. If there was a family crisis with a grandkid or child, my parents were the first there to help solve the problem. They came to all of their grandchildren's sporting events, talent shows, graduations, etc.

When my dad came down with a terminal illness, siblings, mother and I worked incredibly hard to protect and help him. It was done purely out of love, not obligation. He and my mother continually thanked us, but my response was 'you were always there for me'. I also think it's a shame how elderly are treated and I saw the lack or respect amongst people when my usually larger-than-life dad started to become helpless. It infuriated me, though we found many caring nurses along the way. I became his staunch protector.

I don't know how I would feel if my parents were horrible or mean or just not there, etc. My husband supported his father that could be described as that when everyone in his family refused. He helped him end of life. I don't know that I would have felt the same, but I really respect my husband for what he did. I know it wasn't easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People without kids plan ahead, we are more pragmatic. So you can do your own cognitive testing and have a Dignitas fund. I have 30K in what I call, "Business Class to Zurich." I will pay for a vacation to Paris afterwards for a young person to come with me if I can't go on my own. You can't put your head in the sand and dump on your kids. If I get cancer I will use medical aid in dying available where I live, not get treatment just to end up with Alzheimer's.

Personally I think people with kids are selfish, so not planning ahead and doing what is necessary after you live a full life, should be called out as bad behavior not treated as some sort of virtue. Some of the comments about wishing we had more kids to dump on, or more daughters, actually proves my point. I would sacrifice for my child, if I had one, not ruin their life.

Personally, I see your point of view as selfish. This is an American way of thinking.

How people treat their elders is very cultural. Other cultures don't see our ailing parents as a burden That's not to say it's not a stressful job, but like raising children, it's something that needs to be done and it's done out of love and yes, obligation.

I sometimes think it is related to the love and closeness of parents. My siblings, grandkids and I were very, very close to my parents. My parents were the best parents a kid could ever ask for. Incredibly supportive, unconditional love, ---stern when needed growing up. They had a joy for life and were best friends to my brother, sister and I as we got older. If there was a family crisis with a grandkid or child, my parents were the first there to help solve the problem. They came to all of their grandchildren's sporting events, talent shows, graduations, etc.

When my dad came down with a terminal illness, siblings, mother and I worked incredibly hard to protect and help him. It was done purely out of love, not obligation. He and my mother continually thanked us, but my response was 'you were always there for me'. I also think it's a shame how elderly are treated and I saw the lack or respect amongst people when my usually larger-than-life dad started to become helpless. It infuriated me, though we found many caring nurses along the way. I became his staunch protector.

I don't know how I would feel if my parents were horrible or mean or just not there, etc. My husband supported his father that could be described as that when everyone in his family refused. He helped him end of life. I don't know that I would have felt the same, but I really respect my husband for what he did. I know it wasn't easy.

Dealing with a parent with an end life terminal illness is actually different than dealing with an otherwise healthy parent's eldercare.

With a terminal illness you are not preparing so much for the future and longterm care, you are dealing with very much here and now issues that will most likely not be long lasting issues. The focus is on today because you don't know if there will be a tomorrow. And it is very unlikely that you will even get next year.

A reasonably healthy elderly parent could live for years if not decades more. That involves quite a bit more planning and a very different approach. And depending on how the parent is aging you might be dealing with things like a sweet but forgetful parent who gets lost or you could be dealing with combativeness and incontinence down the road. You will also be aging yourself and what might seem very doable today might be a real stress 5, 10 or 15 years down the road.

As far as the marathon goes, it is so much better when a parent walks with you when it's easy and makes decisions for themselves than it would be to carry an uncooperative parent kicking and screaming to the finish line. I personally think it is our duty, as parents, to not lay burden of our care completely at our children's feet. The more we plan for ourselves, the happier and better for everyone.

[Anonymous]

^^^ elderly parents going through cancer treatments can go on for years. It is gone and comes back, etc. Getting to those numerous appointments and taking care of them when they are too weak after chemo or surgery or hospitalized is a lot. My MIL went through this with skin cancer for 15 years.

But--yes if it is just an old person with no major issues other than age-related it might be different. But--often those long terminal illnesses---Parkinsons, cancer, etc. drag on for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^ elderly parents going through cancer treatments can go on for years. It is gone and comes back, etc. Getting to those numerous appointments and taking care of them when they are too weak after chemo or surgery or hospitalized is a lot. My MIL went through this with skin cancer for 15 years.

But--yes if it is just an old person with no major issues other than age-related it might be different. But--often those long terminal illnesses---Parkinsons, cancer, etc. drag on for years.

not to mention a sheer roller coaster of emotions as the health is better, than bad, than very good, before taking an unexpected turn or new infection, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is the norm for many usually for a short period of life. It is not new.

I don't know where you live but most of my kids HS friends have parents in their late 40s early 50s. Our kids are about to go to expensive state (yes state college is expensive!) outparents are nearing 80 or over and could live another 20 years. Not a short period of time at all. And YES it is new. People are living longer, if you haven't noticed and things are much more expensive adjusting for inflation than ever before.

[Anonymous]

If you are over 50 and never had kids why are you here? And how dare you pathetically cling/troll this parenting site where people with relevant, devastaing parenting issue come to discuss their pain. You have absolutely no clue what anything on this site is about. Get a life. So sick of your sanctimonious BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People without kids plan ahead, we are more pragmatic. So you can do your own cognitive testing and have a Dignitas fund. I have 30K in what I call, "Business Class to Zurich." I will pay for a vacation to Paris afterwards for a young person to come with me if I can't go on my own. You can't put your head in the sand and dump on your kids. If I get cancer I will use medical aid in dying available where I live, not get treatment just to end up with Alzheimer's.

Personally I think people with kids are selfish, so not planning ahead and doing what is necessary after you live a full life, should be called out as bad behavior not treated as some sort of virtue. Some of the comments about wishing we had more kids to dump on, or more daughters, actually proves my point. I would sacrifice for my child, if I had one, not ruin their life.

Really? Gosh, you sound awesome. I bet you tell your sad little self how awesome you are everyday as you sit on your little pile of cold hard cash countining your pennies as you die alone.

[Anonymous]

OP here - can't believe that this thread is still around! I wrote this post last June in the midst of moving my mother from our family home of 55 years to independent living. It was a stressful time and I was feeling pretty overwhelmed. I was also reflecting on the marathon itself because my caregiving reality is so much more than I ever expected. I always imagined end of life as a hospice situation, or a year or two caring for a feeble surviving parent as my parents cared for my grandparents. But I'm learning that 10, 15, 20 years of support and care is not at all atypical. And while I'm so glad that I have had this time with my parents, and my husbands parents, and my husbands stepfather... I realize that even with the best of care and planning you need your family to support you too. My husband and I believe this is part of our life's purpose and we are in it for the long haul but wow - it's tough and sad sometimes. My post was a reflection and opportunity to vent more than anything. And to my fellow marathoners it was great to hear from you - you are good people and we are definitely not alone!