The Elderly Parent Marathon - is this the new norm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 47 and responsible for looking after my father, who is 81. Mom died 10+ years ago. Dad recently moved to assisted living, which is very $. I'm just praying he doesn't outlive his financial assets because I don't know what we would do. Since I have 2 elementary kids at home, having him live with us 24/7 would be very hard. For the time being, it's also nice that he has his own space, routine, and friends his own age.

Once the assets go, he goes into a nursing home under medicaid. Some states have money for assisted living. There is a list in MD you can put his name on but I forget how. There is about a 5 year wait (minimum).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've found the Power of Attorney docs to be life savers. My parents signed them right before they slipped into dementia. I think I had a guardian angel watching over me-- there was a meeting with the financial planner at the house. I was on speaker-phone (my parents kept forgetting I was and then would be newly surprised to be hear my voice). The local town attorney showed up with the POA docs that had been drafted earlier, and next thing you know my parents were signing and the others were witnessing.

These docs have been amazing. My parents have assets but cannot manage them. With the POAs I have been able to move them to a retirement place with assisted care, sell the house, pay bills and about a hundred other things, like file taxes for them. You can't do a thing with POA.

OTOH, it's so exhausting to be in charge of all of this stuff. I get more mail for them than I do for myself. Running their lives takes more paperwork than my own.

The nursing home my MIL was at refused the POA - legal guardianship was our lifesaver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And because of this, you all are planning for your own long term care arrangements, correct? So that you have a plan, and some finances, dedicated to your care as you age. My mom has done this already and I am already so grateful she's had the foresight to plan for her aging.

Not everyone has that luxury. My MIL had no money. We had to take her in and then get her into a medicaid bed nursing home. After dealing with the nursing home, my plan is death. I hope assisted suicide is available when the time comes. Watch the way she is forced to live is horrible.

[Anonymous]

I'm 46 with a 6 year old. My life was horrible until 2 years ago when my mom passed. I hate to say it but if she hadn't passed my marriage likely wouldn't have survived. I had nothing left to give to my husband after taking care of her and a small kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've found the Power of Attorney docs to be life savers. My parents signed them right before they slipped into dementia. I think I had a guardian angel watching over me-- there was a meeting with the financial planner at the house. I was on speaker-phone (my parents kept forgetting I was and then would be newly surprised to be hear my voice). The local town attorney showed up with the POA docs that had been drafted earlier, and next thing you know my parents were signing and the others were witnessing.

These docs have been amazing. My parents have assets but cannot manage them. With the POAs I have been able to move them to a retirement place with assisted care, sell the house, pay bills and about a hundred other things, like file taxes for them. You can't do a thing with POA.

OTOH, it's so exhausting to be in charge of all of this stuff. I get more mail for them than I do for myself. Running their lives takes more paperwork than my own.

The nursing home my MIL was at refused the POA - legal guardianship was our lifesaver.

They can't refuse a legally valid poa.

[Anonymous]

Im 40. My dear mom died almost exactly a year ago after a sic month fight eith stomach caner. She turned 78 right before she passed. She had been very healthy until this struck. My father was diagnosed with a movement disorder right before. My older brother had been living with my parents - no job, no family, a general slacker and problem. Since i have a job and young children and lived across the country, my brother became the msin caretaker. He is extremely rmotionally immature. Now he has moved with my dad bavk to my parents home country, where thankfully my mom had built a house. The hope is that 24 hr all around care and support, plus extended family, can be a big help so my brother can become independent. My parents had money, which helps a lot. I am realistic i may lose dad soon too. My inlaws live nearby and are also in waning health, though in mid70s. They are aldo relatively wealthy. Thinking of my own children and the liklihood i could succumb to the same diseases that hit my parents i purchased whole life insurance that can be used for long term care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And because of this, you all are planning for your own long term care arrangements, correct? So that you have a plan, and some finances, dedicated to your care as you age. My mom has done this already and I am already so grateful she's had the foresight to plan for her aging.

Well...it depends on what you think is the perfect solution. Should dh and I wait for our kids to both be off at college and then move into a continuing care facility at the age 0f 55+ - ya never know when we'll start to go down hill, right?

How do you plan for this?

I don't think you need to move yourselves anywhere. But you do need to be OPEN to the idea. You need to be setting you finances to account for this. If you want to age in place (in your home) you need to be looking at what home health aides cost. You need to be OPEN to having and using nurses etc to help you age in place, so that it's not all on your children's shoulders to figure out for you. Sure, they can help with some of this, but as this thread proves, the sandwiched generation gets pulled in two directions almost to their breaking point. You have time now to plan for your care as you age. Figure out what makes sense for your income bracket. Make the plans and tell your children about these plans are you get older.

There is nothing stopping you from finding a retirement community or nursing home you like, and saying "when the time comes, we'll go here". That way there is a plan. I think a lot of the stress surrounding these situations is older couples just think they can live at home forever without any help. But then they keep needing more and more and more help from their children.

I'm open to the idea. I lived in a neighborhood where I saw people living in their homes, driving, shopping, doing house and yard work (or at least arranging and paying for it) well into their 80's and even 90's. I also saw some folks who probably should have downsized, simplified their lives and gotten extra help well before they did.

I hope and pray that dh and I will have the wisdom to see "that time" in ourselves when/if that time comes for us....before our kids have no choice but to step in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've been very fortunate to have the grandparents in our kids lives. We have great memories of holidays, going out fun places with them, and just spending time with them. It was always such a comfort to know that we had people who genuinely adored our kids a phone call away.

They are getting older now (80s) but aren't too much trouble. I think they've got a handle on things pretty well which is a blessing.

What's the point of your smug post? My parents had "a handle on things pretty well" but one died of ovarian cancer at 63 and the other of Alzheimers at 83. It sucked, for them, for me, and for their grandchildren who only have memories of them in various stages of dying. I'm 48 and I really feel like the harbinger of doom with so many friends who act as though this is never going to happen to them. Their biggest problem is when their parents cut off the checks for private school or refuse to fork over a down payment for their new house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've been very fortunate to have the grandparents in our kids lives. We have great memories of holidays, going out fun places with them, and just spending time with them. It was always such a comfort to know that we had people who genuinely adored our kids a phone call away.

They are getting older now (80s) but aren't too much trouble. I think they've got a handle on things pretty well which is a blessing.

What's the point of your smug post? My parents had "a handle on things pretty well" but one died of ovarian cancer at 63 and the other of Alzheimers at 83. It sucked, for them, for me, and for their grandchildren who only have memories of them in various stages of dying. I'm 48 and I really feel like the harbinger of doom with so many friends who act as though this is never going to happen to them. Their biggest problem is when their parents cut off the checks for private school or refuse to fork over a down payment for their new house.

I lost my dad to early onset Alzheimer's when I was around 30. And there were years of nursing home care leading up to that and a decline before that. I was never in the position to give hands on heavy duty care although I did visit him regularly when he was sick. It was a hellish nightmare. No exaggeration.

The point of my post was not to be smug. I'm just grateful for the grandparents who have been able to be in my kids' lives. They've been a true blessing. I hope and pray that they continue to enjoy reasonably good physical and mental health and that when/if the hard stuff comes for them it is brief. I know that hoping doesn't make that happen. I am sorry that you've been through what you've been through. It is truly a fear for me, too.

[Anonymous]

I'm stockpiling opiates for when I can no longer take care of myself. I spent 10 years and much of my children's youth taking care of my mom.
Don't be too sure about those "watertight" living wills. Almost every assisted living will call an ambulance any time there's a fall or another incident and once they're in the ambulance and the ER, unless it's tattooed on your chest, life saving measures will be taken. I hate to say it, but our for profit medical system depends on keeping people going even when they truly want to die.

[Anonymous]

Yes. It's the norm. Nothing new. Was caretaker to my mother for 12 years.

[Anonymous]

51 male....have numerous siblings in the area but noone wants to step up. All falls on me...any and all needs, 7x24...father passed away last year and now struggling to take care of mom living alone. Very, very tough and something I was not mentally prepared for. thankfully kids are older and college graduated and wife is so kind, supportive, and understanding. Can be very tough on marriage if one does not have support from spouse. my strategy is to take and make most of each day because you don;t know what is around the corner. thankful for our health that we are able to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10 years and counting, first with my Dad and now my Mom, I was so looking forward to some free time, but since my siblings visit only periodically for a hour or so I feel guilty leaving my mother alone week after week. The texts I dislike the most are when the siblings ask how Mom is - get off your F--- and see for yourself!
All are wealthy but it would cut into their good times.

same situation with me (us)....know how you feel....continue to do what your heart wants...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've found the Power of Attorney docs to be life savers. My parents signed them right before they slipped into dementia. I think I had a guardian angel watching over me-- there was a meeting with the financial planner at the house. I was on speaker-phone (my parents kept forgetting I was and then would be newly surprised to be hear my voice). The local town attorney showed up with the POA docs that had been drafted earlier, and next thing you know my parents were signing and the others were witnessing.

These docs have been amazing. My parents have assets but cannot manage them. With the POAs I have been able to move them to a retirement place with assisted care, sell the house, pay bills and about a hundred other things, like file taxes for them. You can't do a thing with POA.

OTOH, it's so exhausting to be in charge of all of this stuff. I get more mail for them than I do for myself. Running their lives takes more paperwork than my own.

The nursing home my MIL was at refused the POA - legal guardianship was our lifesaver.

Probably because legal guardians are on the hook for all the bills.

[Anonymous]

I am not 50, and not all that close to it, but we are already starting the sandwich generation bit. ILs are a bit easier as they are more open about their health and finances. My parents are in complete denial, and they live in another state. DH and i both have a single sib who cannot be counted on AT ALL so we are already aware that we are goong to be the sole support of four aging parents.
Question for anyone who's maybe dealt with this - i have access to good LTC ins theough work and can purchase for my parents. I asked, they said NaH we have some. I honestly don't trust that they have enough. Is thtere any way for me to buy additional policies without them knowing, somehow?