The Elderly Parent Marathon - is this the new norm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have all of the pieces in place for the most part - but even with air-tight living wills, long term care policies, funds to pay for independent living and people to clean the house and help with the yard - even an accountant - there is a caregiver and emotional support role that cannot be pre-arranged/outsourced no matter how much you plan - especially if you live a long time. I'm 10 years into this with my mother and the demands and costs are very eye opening. My sister took her MIL in 8 years ago - she is now completely dependent at 91- and my sister has not been on a vacation with her husband for 5 years.

Is she refusing assisted living?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moving my mom to "independent living" 2 hours away next week. She is 91, refused offers to move closer to me or siblings because she is still active and has many friends, church etc. (she's even driving which is scary as hell). My father passed 18 months ago and was in and out of hospitals and finally hospice for about 3 years. Thank goodness 3 of 4 kids pitch in - it is/was a huge job to keep them safe in-home and to offer the love and support they need when they stressed, confused and lonely. My mom has a ton of friends, kids and young-adult grandkids that check in regularly and she is still lonely sometimes - nothing will ever replace my dad and the energy she had as a younger person. Getting old sucks!! God love them- it is VERY hard.

Hopefully there will be an abundance of social activities in the independent living that will keep her stimulated and fulfilled.

[Anonymous]

I recently had my own health issues (thyroid removal) at the same time as my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. We didn't tell anybexteded family about my biopsy, tests, surgery etc because they were already so concerned abput my father. It was hard to receive no support including emotional at this difficult time. Still had to deal with needy kids, parents. We are truly the sandwich generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents were dead by time last kid was born. If you don't get married young not an issue. My buddy got married at 50 to a 40 year old and had two kids one at 52 and one at 54. He won't be juggling kids and old Parents.

He still could be. People are living longer and longer these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were dead by time last kid was born. If you don't get married young not an issue. My buddy got married at 50 to a 40 year old and had two kids one at 52 and one at 54. He won't be juggling kids and old Parents.

He still could be. People are living longer and longer these days.

Seriously, what is PP talking about? it is totally feasible that a 54 year old could have a parent in their 70s or 80s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother was 71 when she was diagnosed with a detestable combination of dementia and ALS. She was so healthy otherwise, but she quickly could not be left alone because of the dementia--and the ALS started affecting her ability to eat.

It was a *huge* battle with my father (understandably so), but I knew she would not want to live for years and years in increasingly worse versions of this, and her health care POA said "no extreme measures," and so we finally prevailed upon dad to not agree to a feeding tube.

She died 18 months after diagnosis, not long after she completely lost the ability to swallow. If she had had the feeding tube inserted, I am convinced she would have lived another 10 years, needing 24/7 care.

It's probably as close to legal assisted suicide as one can come, but I have absolutely no regrets over that decision. Her death was devastating, but if her illness had continued for years, it would have destroyed everyone in my family.

I know this was posted a few weeks ago, but having had a parent in a similar situation I wanted the PP to know that research is strongly negative on feeding tubes for elderly patients with dementia. It isn't shown to extend life much, it can lead to infections and other secondary problems, and it obviously prolongs suffering. My grandmother who had Alzheimers was given a feeding tube 30 years ago, but when my dad came to the same point, literally all the medical professionals we dealt with advised against it. He had a living will so it wasn't really a serious consideration, but it was reassuring to realize that we weren't doing something radical by refusing it. Losing the ability and will to eat is a basic sign that the body is preparing for death, and declining a feeding tube for an elderly person with significant cognitive and physical decline is definitely not assisted suicide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were dead by time last kid was born. If you don't get married young not an issue. My buddy got married at 50 to a 40 year old and had two kids one at 52 and one at 54. He won't be juggling kids and old Parents.

He still could be. People are living longer and longer these days.

Seriously, what is PP talking about? it is totally feasible that a 54 year old could have a parent in their 70s or 80s.

I'm 52. I had my youngest kid at 41. My dad is 93 and has begun showing signs of dementia.

My friend who had her kids young is trying to be available for her grandchild (her daughter needs the help) and her failing parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have all of the pieces in place for the most part - but even with air-tight living wills, long term care policies, funds to pay for independent living and people to clean the house and help with the yard - even an accountant - there is a caregiver and emotional support role that cannot be pre-arranged/outsourced no matter how much you plan - especially if you live a long time. I'm 10 years into this with my mother and the demands and costs are very eye opening. My sister took her MIL in 8 years ago - she is now completely dependent at 91- and my sister has not been on a vacation with her husband for 5 years.

Is she refusing assisted living?

NP - Assisted living is very expensive and still requires at least P/T help and your vigilance. Without those two extra pieces, you will find that the level of care slides into negligence.

[Anonymous]

not neccessarily

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother was 71 when she was diagnosed with a detestable combination of dementia and ALS. She was so healthy otherwise, but she quickly could not be left alone because of the dementia--and the ALS started affecting her ability to eat.

It was a *huge* battle with my father (understandably so), but I knew she would not want to live for years and years in increasingly worse versions of this, and her health care POA said "no extreme measures," and so we finally prevailed upon dad to not agree to a feeding tube.

She died 18 months after diagnosis, not long after she completely lost the ability to swallow. If she had had the feeding tube inserted, I am convinced she would have lived another 10 years, needing 24/7 care.

It's probably as close to legal assisted suicide as one can come, but I have absolutely no regrets over that decision. Her death was devastating, but if her illness had continued for years, it would have destroyed everyone in my family.

I know this was posted a few weeks ago, but having had a parent in a similar situation I wanted the PP to know that research is strongly negative on feeding tubes for elderly patients with dementia. It isn't shown to extend life much, it can lead to infections and other secondary problems, and it obviously prolongs suffering. My grandmother who had Alzheimers was given a feeding tube 30 years ago, but when my dad came to the same point, literally all the medical professionals we dealt with advised against it. He had a living will so it wasn't really a serious consideration, but it was reassuring to realize that we weren't doing something radical by refusing it. Losing the ability and will to eat is a basic sign that the body is preparing for death, and declining a feeding tube for an elderly person with significant cognitive and physical decline is definitely not assisted suicide.

I'm PP with the mother, and yes, her doctor was very gentle but very firm when discussing this with my father that a feeding tube in her situation was not recommended. But having since also lost my own DH to illness, I have a greater understanding of how hard it was for my father to make that decision, even in her state where there was no chance she'd ever be any better cognitively. Even knowing it was what she would have wanted, it is hard to know you are making a decision that will slowly starve someone to death. It is natural and a "basic sign of death," yes, but it still terribly hard for a spouse in many cases to agree. That's why so many people end up with feeding tubes anyway.

Also, my mom would have swatted you for calling her "elderly" at 71.

[Anonymous]

50, year old, only child, single and dealing with both of my parents having health issues- one has dementia. I'm exhausted and about to lose my freaking mind! Not sure how much more I can take. ugh

[Anonymous]

I can relate. I'm 47, might as well be an only child, and still have school-aged kids at home. It's exhausting! I have nothing left at the end of the day for myself. Just managing medications for parents is a huge job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate. I'm 47, might as well be an only child, and still have school-aged kids at home. It's exhausting! I have nothing left at the end of the day for myself. Just managing medications for parents is a huge job.

Pp- yep, I have no life. It's doctors appointments, medicine, errands, etc . Absolutely exhausted. Sometimes I think I could run away and never look back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can relate. I'm 47, might as well be an only child, and still have school-aged kids at home. It's exhausting! I have nothing left at the end of the day for myself. Just managing medications for parents is a huge job.

Pp- yep, I have no life. It's doctors appointments, medicine, errands, etc . Absolutely exhausted. Sometimes I think I could run away and never look back.

Same as the PP..have four siblings but none of them want to have anything to do with a father who is extremely difficult with numerous physical and mental issues at 85, still living alone and independently. He is verbally abusive and thinks his children "owe" him and that we not doing him any favors. I work full time in a demanding job. Have three kids finishing up college so there is a financial drain, in addition to the emotional and physical drain, EVERY DAY. I'm spent at the end of each day! There is always SOMETHING, always a PROBLEM or situation to deal with. I have to admit that as the youngest child, I did not see this coming and thought the siblings would play a bigger role with deflecting some of the pressure off my back.

[Anonymous]

I'm 45. My DH is almost 51. My ex is 48. Between us, we have 5 parents over the age of 68. Four of those parents are not doing well physically or cognitively. I had to help care for my former in-laws while my ex was hospitalized. Very tense, but I love my kids so this is what you do. The "baby" of the group, my MIL is doing well, but her somewhat younger live-in-BF keeps having mini-strokes and its aging her to care for him. We're just wiped out and part of the problem is resistance from the parents to having any caregivers other than their children.