The Elderly Parent Marathon - is this the new norm?

[Anonymous]

This is why people need to mobilize against cuts to Medicaid. It's what is supporting many people's parents' stays in nursing homes! Even if your folks have money it may all get spent down and they'll need Medicaid to keep them in their home.

[Anonymous]

This is such a depressing topic. My parents and dh's parents all went fairly quickly but I don't know what it will be like for our daughter as we age. Hope we go quickly, too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And because of this, you all are planning for your own long term care arrangements, correct? So that you have a plan, and some finances, dedicated to your care as you age. My mom has done this already and I am already so grateful she's had the foresight to plan for her aging.

Well...it depends on what you think is the perfect solution. Should dh and I wait for our kids to both be off at college and then move into a continuing care facility at the age 0f 55+ - ya never know when we'll start to go down hill, right?

How do you plan for this?

I don't think you need to move yourselves anywhere. But you do need to be OPEN to the idea. You need to be setting you finances to account for this. If you want to age in place (in your home) you need to be looking at what home health aides cost. You need to be OPEN to having and using nurses etc to help you age in place, so that it's not all on your children's shoulders to figure out for you. Sure, they can help with some of this, but as this thread proves, the sandwiched generation gets pulled in two directions almost to their breaking point. You have time now to plan for your care as you age. Figure out what makes sense for your income bracket. Make the plans and tell your children about these plans are you get older.

There is nothing stopping you from finding a retirement community or nursing home you like, and saying "when the time comes, we'll go here". That way there is a plan. I think a lot of the stress surrounding these situations is older couples just think they can live at home forever without any help. But then they keep needing more and more and more help from their children.

Statistically, the best way to plan for old age is to have a daughter. Barring that, I think this PP has good advice.

[Anonymous]

My parents married later in life and kicked the bucket a long time ago. My youngest daughters grandfather died 29 years before she was born. My wife's parents got grouchy and nasty as they aged. My wife had it easy as my parents just need some flowers once a year at the cemetery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were dead by time last kid was born. If you don't get married young not an issue. My buddy got married at 50 to a 40 year old and had two kids one at 52 and one at 54. He won't be juggling kids and old Parents.

He still could be. People are living longer and longer these days.

But his kids will be juggling old parents in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The amount of support required by the aging is immense even if you have all the money in the world. Of course you could just let your parents fend for themselves and check in when convenient but most families do not work like this.

This might be getting off topic, but what do people without kids do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents were dead by time last kid was born. If you don't get married young not an issue. My buddy got married at 50 to a 40 year old and had two kids one at 52 and one at 54. He won't be juggling kids and old Parents.

He still could be. People are living longer and longer these days.

But his kids will be juggling old parents in college.

He will be juggling sleepless nights, small children and the needs of his elderly parents. Then once his parents are gone, he and his wife will be dealing with their own aging health issues (possibly one spouse taking care of the other spouse) while they still have teenagers in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The amount of support required by the aging is immense even if you have all the money in the world. Of course you could just let your parents fend for themselves and check in when convenient but most families do not work like this.

This might be getting off topic, but what do people without kids do?

Social worker, neices, nephews, CCRF, die alone

Those are what I have observed.

[Anonymous]

Yup. We are caring for my MIL now in her own home. She can’t afford any level of assistance. Thank God for Amazon and Instacart. And we are spending a weekend day with her every week when we have a HS aged child who will be leaving for college soon. I hate it.

[Anonymous]

We struggles for years with age-related mental health issues with my in laws. If feel like dementia is easier in some ways--there's a formula for getting things sorted legally. For my FIL, he was still mentally competent under the law but making terrible, terrible decisions. Every time one of his kids pushed him to do something, he would go to his lawyer and revise his will. It was changed literally hundreds of times and in stupid ways. He was terrified that his kids were going to take his money. But he had no problem paying tens of thousands of dollars to his lawyer and random scammers. He also took charge of my MIL's medical care and made terrible decisions for her health. At one point he read something about eating fewer calories making you live longer. He started calorie restricting her AS A CANCER PATIENT. So much crazy, but not dementia. No legal means for us to gain control.of the situation. So so so hard.

[Anonymous]

My Dad is dead 40 years and my Mom dead 15 years. Guess I got lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The amount of support required by the aging is immense even if you have all the money in the world. Of course you could just let your parents fend for themselves and check in when convenient but most families do not work like this.

This might be getting off topic, but what do people without kids do?

As a widow without kids, I have all of my PoAs written and executed, naming my sibling to be in charge of my care, but I also named two of my dearest friends as health care PoAs as well, just in case my brother decides he'd rather off me even though I still have some living left.

But seriously, in the wake of DH's death, this was/is a huge brooding point for me. Not enough to run out and get married again, but I'm hoping my nieces and nephews hurry up and get old enough, responsible enough, and caring enough to be willing to help out. But it's not something I am planning on, or expecting--they are entitled to their own lives.

I also have a big pile of money that can go toward all of the care, especially since I'm not really concerned about leaving an inheritance.

But I do mainly hope that I just die in my sleep before any decline sets in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother was 71 when she was diagnosed with a detestable combination of dementia and ALS. She was so healthy otherwise, but she quickly could not be left alone because of the dementia--and the ALS started affecting her ability to eat.

It was a *huge* battle with my father (understandably so), but I knew she would not want to live for years and years in increasingly worse versions of this, and her health care POA said "no extreme measures," and so we finally prevailed upon dad to not agree to a feeding tube.

She died 18 months after diagnosis, not long after she completely lost the ability to swallow. If she had had the feeding tube inserted, I am convinced she would have lived another 10 years, needing 24/7 care.

It's probably as close to legal assisted suicide as one can come, but I have absolutely no regrets over that decision. Her death was devastating, but if her illness had continued for years, it would have destroyed everyone in my family.

as a nurse, I often see patients' whose families decide to do the feeding tube...patients who have little to zero quality of life. It's sad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother was 71 when she was diagnosed with a detestable combination of dementia and ALS. She was so healthy otherwise, but she quickly could not be left alone because of the dementia--and the ALS started affecting her ability to eat.

It was a *huge* battle with my father (understandably so), but I knew she would not want to live for years and years in increasingly worse versions of this, and her health care POA said "no extreme measures," and so we finally prevailed upon dad to not agree to a feeding tube.

She died 18 months after diagnosis, not long after she completely lost the ability to swallow. If she had had the feeding tube inserted, I am convinced she would have lived another 10 years, needing 24/7 care.

It's probably as close to legal assisted suicide as one can come, but I have absolutely no regrets over that decision. Her death was devastating, but if her illness had continued for years, it would have destroyed everyone in my family.

as a nurse, I often see patients' whose families decide to do the feeding tube...patients who have little to zero quality of life. It's sad

In the UK they won’t put feeding tubes into patients with advanced dementia. Quite rightly, in my view.

[Anonymous]

I have 4 siblings and we all travel to visit and help out our 92 year old mother who finally moved into assisted living but refused to move closer to any of her kids. It is very stressful and so far as I can see with excellent care and attitude 90 is the new 80. Lots of lively 90 year olds all the way up to 102 in her facility. It is absolutely a marathon - makes me wish We has a few more kids.