The Elderly Parent Marathon - is this the new norm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And because of this, you all are planning for your own long term care arrangements, correct? So that you have a plan, and some finances, dedicated to your care as you age. My mom has done this already and I am already so grateful she's had the foresight to plan for her aging.

Well...it depends on what you think is the perfect solution. Should dh and I wait for our kids to both be off at college and then move into a continuing care facility at the age 0f 55+ - ya never know when we'll start to go down hill, right?

How do you plan for this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not 50+ but figured I'd chime in. I have small kids, 60 year old parents and grandparents still going strong in their 80s (4 of them). My kids, parents and grandparents all need support and expect holiday visits. Same on DH's side.

You have small children and your parents and grandparents expect you to support them? Visits I can totally understand - that is normal. But they need support from you?

[Anonymous]

10 years and counting, first with my Dad and now my Mom, I was so looking forward to some free time, but since my siblings visit only periodically for a hour or so I feel guilty leaving my mother alone week after week. The texts I dislike the most are when the siblings ask how Mom is - get off your F--- and see for yourself!
All are wealthy but it would cut into their good times.

[Anonymous]

We buried all four grandparents. It was a grind and cut into time with our children in a big way. Looking back I would have spent less time on the parents.

[Anonymous]

I'm 47 and responsible for looking after my father, who is 81. Mom died 10+ years ago. Dad recently moved to assisted living, which is very $. I'm just praying he doesn't outlive his financial assets because I don't know what we would do. Since I have 2 elementary kids at home, having him live with us 24/7 would be very hard. For the time being, it's also nice that he has his own space, routine, and friends his own age.

[Anonymous]

We've been very fortunate to have the grandparents in our kids lives. We have great memories of holidays, going out fun places with them, and just spending time with them. It was always such a comfort to know that we had people who genuinely adored our kids a phone call away.

They are getting older now (80s) but aren't too much trouble. I think they've got a handle on things pretty well which is a blessing.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. My in laws are still in good health, but my youngest BIL lives close by and will bear any burden when they decline. My mother died a long time ago, and my father promptly remarried to a younger woman who will get our inheritance, so he is her problem.

[Anonymous]

It gets exhausting. As others note, medical technology allows people to continue living for decades after they are no longer able to fully take care of themselves. As with most problems in life, it gets a lot easier with buckets of money, not working full-time and a positive attitude (I got one out of 3, which seems about average).

Blessings to you all in the trenches. We're in the second decade of the journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have all of the pieces in place for the most part - but even with air-tight living wills, long term care policies, funds to pay for independent living and people to clean the house and help with the yard - even an accountant - there is a caregiver and emotional support role that cannot be pre-arranged/outsourced no matter how much you plan - especially if you live a long time. I'm 10 years into this with my mother and the demands and costs are very eye opening. My sister took her MIL in 8 years ago - she is now completely dependent at 91- and my sister has not been on a vacation with her husband for 5 years.

My parents went through something similar with my grandmother, who moved in with them at 90+. The first couple of years, Nana moved in with me for a couple of weeks so they could go on vacation, but the last couple of years (she lived until 95), she could not be left alone while I went to work. They found an assisted living place that had a few "set-aside" units that rented out for up to two weeks specifically so caregivers could go on vacation. For those of you who have parents living with them, and can afford it, it can be a life-saver.

[Anonymous]

Baby boomers spent most of their money rather than saving for retirement. So the burden goes to their kids. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Baby boomers spent most of their money rather than saving for retirement. So the burden goes to their kids. Thanks!

Is this factual, I am the first to admit I like a nice thing or two, but I lived hand to mouth so my children could get the finest education I could pay for, they are living with me now in their 20s so they can save money and get a good start in life, I have never taken a vacation or been abroad, both of my children have studied abroad for a year and traveled. Must be some other baby boomer of which you speak.

[Anonymous]

Op, I can totally relate. It seemed our parents were so old for so long. Ten to fifteen years ago we were worried it might be their last Christmas, etc, siblings critical of each other for not visiting enough. But on it goes and here we are. We love them so and so much want them with us, but what it's led me to believe, I'm not sure future generations will do it this way. I'm not sure future generations will want to linger. Maybe we'll decide we'd rather take a pill and bid farewell, "I'm outta here ..."

[Anonymous]

I've found the Power of Attorney docs to be life savers. My parents signed them right before they slipped into dementia. I think I had a guardian angel watching over me-- there was a meeting with the financial planner at the house. I was on speaker-phone (my parents kept forgetting I was and then would be newly surprised to be hear my voice). The local town attorney showed up with the POA docs that had been drafted earlier, and next thing you know my parents were signing and the others were witnessing.

These docs have been amazing. My parents have assets but cannot manage them. With the POAs I have been able to move them to a retirement place with assisted care, sell the house, pay bills and about a hundred other things, like file taxes for them. You can't do a thing with POA.

OTOH, it's so exhausting to be in charge of all of this stuff. I get more mail for them than I do for myself. Running their lives takes more paperwork than my own.

[Anonymous]

^^

You can't do a thing withOUT POA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And because of this, you all are planning for your own long term care arrangements, correct? So that you have a plan, and some finances, dedicated to your care as you age. My mom has done this already and I am already so grateful she's had the foresight to plan for her aging.

Well...it depends on what you think is the perfect solution. Should dh and I wait for our kids to both be off at college and then move into a continuing care facility at the age 0f 55+ - ya never know when we'll start to go down hill, right?

How do you plan for this?

I don't think you need to move yourselves anywhere. But you do need to be OPEN to the idea. You need to be setting you finances to account for this. If you want to age in place (in your home) you need to be looking at what home health aides cost. You need to be OPEN to having and using nurses etc to help you age in place, so that it's not all on your children's shoulders to figure out for you. Sure, they can help with some of this, but as this thread proves, the sandwiched generation gets pulled in two directions almost to their breaking point. You have time now to plan for your care as you age. Figure out what makes sense for your income bracket. Make the plans and tell your children about these plans are you get older.

There is nothing stopping you from finding a retirement community or nursing home you like, and saying "when the time comes, we'll go here". That way there is a plan. I think a lot of the stress surrounding these situations is older couples just think they can live at home forever without any help. But then they keep needing more and more and more help from their children.