The Elderly Parent Marathon - is this the new norm?

[Anonymous]

Yes. Unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And because of this, you all are planning for your own long term care arrangements, correct? So that you have a plan, and some finances, dedicated to your care as you age. My mom has done this already and I am already so grateful she's had the foresight to plan for her aging.

My in-laws did all of this and yes we are grateful. However, my FIL has alzheimer's and even the best laid plans require our help to carry them out. He is in a memory care facility but we still want to visit, and we have arrange some of the medical stuff, and do all of the paperwork, and make all of the decisions. It isn't easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^

You can't do a thing withOUT POA.

I SO agree. It's critical to get while one's parents are still lucid. Otherwise you must take them to court and have them declaimed incompetent. Just think how upsetting most of our elderly parents would find that!

[Anonymous]

My mother was hit by a drunk illegal, who did a lot of physical damage to her about 7 years ago. My father was still fine - until he had a stroke last August. While he is about 90% there, he can no longer drive, etc. My mother drives, but only locally. She has emotional issues from the accident. My older sister went out there after being laid off from her job to help about 5 years ago. They all live in AZ. She lives with them and that has definitely helped, however she does need to work part time, and now after my Dad's stroke, they need more help than they think. My mother is getting resentful and screaming at everyone in the house. He just had a small TIA and because my mother refused to bring him to ER and my sister refused to call 911 due to being fearful, it took about 5 days to get it really address. If he passes his swallow study, today, he can go home without a tube. I am waiting for the results now.

Here's the kicker - my mother is so fearful, she refuses to address the idea of living here. She loves coming here, she just is terrified of change. We have a 1000 sq foot space downstairs for them if needed. We have a whole house for them in a great retirement area in MA if needed - much closer to family. I told her that the state would make the decision for her if she doesn't let us move her, as she can't take care of my father on her own and my sister is getting burned out. That seems to sink in.

They are capable of living 10 minutes away or so in a condo because I could be there to help when needed - my father can get around, toilet himself, etc. He could even help us pick up out a new car, pick out tiles, etc. Did I mention the vicious dog that will attack me if I'm in the house so I can't visit in AZ? If they are here, I can pick my dad up and bring him back to our house when needed.

No, this is not easy, and it's usually one parent that is mentally impaired to some degree and makes the task impossible. All I can do is try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother was hit by a drunk illegal, who did a lot of physical damage to her about 7 years ago. My father was still fine - until he had a stroke last August. While he is about 90% there, he can no longer drive, etc. My mother drives, but only locally. She has emotional issues from the accident. My older sister went out there after being laid off from her job to help about 5 years ago. They all live in AZ. She lives with them and that has definitely helped, however she does need to work part time, and now after my Dad's stroke, they need more help than they think. My mother is getting resentful and screaming at everyone in the house. He just had a small TIA and because my mother refused to bring him to ER and my sister refused to call 911 due to being fearful, it took about 5 days to get it really address. If he passes his swallow study, today, he can go home without a tube. I am waiting for the results now.

Here's the kicker - my mother is so fearful, she refuses to address the idea of living here. She loves coming here, she just is terrified of change. We have a 1000 sq foot space downstairs for them if needed. We have a whole house for them in a great retirement area in MA if needed - much closer to family. I told her that the state would make the decision for her if she doesn't let us move her, as she can't take care of my father on her own and my sister is getting burned out. That seems to sink in.

They are capable of living 10 minutes away or so in a condo because I could be there to help when needed - my father can get around, toilet himself, etc. He could even help us pick up out a new car, pick out tiles, etc. Did I mention the vicious dog that will attack me if I'm in the house so I can't visit in AZ? If they are here, I can pick my dad up and bring him back to our house when needed.

No, this is not easy, and it's usually one parent that is mentally impaired to some degree and makes the task impossible. All I can do is try.

I'm sorry. But why is your sister too afraid to call 911?

[Anonymous]

I am so very sorry PP - this sounds very difficult and stressful and I can relate in many ways. Good luck to you and your family - your parents are very fortunate to have such caring and devoted daughters.

[Anonymous]

My mother was 71 when she was diagnosed with a detestable combination of dementia and ALS. She was so healthy otherwise, but she quickly could not be left alone because of the dementia--and the ALS started affecting her ability to eat.

It was a *huge* battle with my father (understandably so), but I knew she would not want to live for years and years in increasingly worse versions of this, and her health care POA said "no extreme measures," and so we finally prevailed upon dad to not agree to a feeding tube.

She died 18 months after diagnosis, not long after she completely lost the ability to swallow. If she had had the feeding tube inserted, I am convinced she would have lived another 10 years, needing 24/7 care.

It's probably as close to legal assisted suicide as one can come, but I have absolutely no regrets over that decision. Her death was devastating, but if her illness had continued for years, it would have destroyed everyone in my family.

[Anonymous]

I am dealing with this too, and I empathize OP.

Buried my father, my FIL, and now my 83-y-o mother who lives close by needs a lot of help, but I can only do so much with work and two small kids.

She still lives at home, but is in the ER several times a year, forgets everything (not Alzheimers) and is a sucker for all kinds of online scams. I have taken over her bills and the PP who said it is more work than his/her own bills had it right!

Still, she cannot afford the cost of a decent assisted living facility that is nearby. So we are trying to make things work with her living in her own home for now. It is overwhelming and I second-guess myself a lot. There is no other family or siblings to help.

At some point she may deteriorate so that she cannot live alone.

[Anonymous]

Moving my mom to "independent living" 2 hours away next week. She is 91, refused offers to move closer to me or siblings because she is still active and has many friends, church etc. (she's even driving which is scary as hell). My father passed 18 months ago and was in and out of hospitals and finally hospice for about 3 years. Thank goodness 3 of 4 kids pitch in - it is/was a huge job to keep them safe in-home and to offer the love and support they need when they stressed, confused and lonely. My mom has a ton of friends, kids and young-adult grandkids that check in regularly and she is still lonely sometimes - nothing will ever replace my dad and the energy she had as a younger person. Getting old sucks!! God love them- it is VERY hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moving my mom to "independent living" 2 hours away next week. She is 91, refused offers to move closer to me or siblings because she is still active and has many friends, church etc. (she's even driving which is scary as hell). My father passed 18 months ago and was in and out of hospitals and finally hospice for about 3 years. Thank goodness 3 of 4 kids pitch in - it is/was a huge job to keep them safe in-home and to offer the love and support they need when they stressed, confused and lonely. My mom has a ton of friends, kids and young-adult grandkids that check in regularly and she is still lonely sometimes - nothing will ever replace my dad and the energy she had as a younger person. Getting old sucks!! God love them- it is VERY hard.

Your mom sounds awesome. She raised an independent child and values her own independence. Some "independent living" settings offer more assistance as the resident needs it. Your mom probably does not want to shadow you and be in the wings as you live your busy life. That's virtuous. I would respect her wishes and teach your children to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've found the Power of Attorney docs to be life savers. My parents signed them right before they slipped into dementia. I think I had a guardian angel watching over me-- there was a meeting with the financial planner at the house. I was on speaker-phone (my parents kept forgetting I was and then would be newly surprised to be hear my voice). The local town attorney showed up with the POA docs that had been drafted earlier, and next thing you know my parents were signing and the others were witnessing.

These docs have been amazing. My parents have assets but cannot manage them. With the POAs I have been able to move them to a retirement place with assisted care, sell the house, pay bills and about a hundred other things, like file taxes for them. You can't do a thing with POA.

OTOH, it's so exhausting to be in charge of all of this stuff. I get more mail for them than I do for myself. Running their lives takes more paperwork than my own.

The nursing home my MIL was at refused the POA - legal guardianship was our lifesaver.

Probably because legal guardians are on the hook for all the bills.

+1 DH was sued by a care provider for the cost of caring for his father. He had a POA and not legal guardianship. We had to pay an attorney to represent DH, offered to settle for the amount we would have spent at trial but the company refused. The judge found in our favor but we still had to pay $$ in legal fees. It sucked.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I are in our 70s. He is in good health but gets confused and looses track of what he is doing sometimes. My mind is fine ( I hope) but I have incurable cancer. I am takingmedicine which slows its progressions so I may live for quite a while. We both have pensions, long-term care insurance.life insurance and have remodelded our house to rmake it easier for elder care. Two of my daughters live nearby ( with teenage and college-aged granadkids we adore) and the other lives on the oppoite coast. She is divorced and has three wonderful kids in middle and high school. I still try and help them by provding driving, extra money for little things. I am willing to do anything I can to make things easier on my daughters as my disease progresses. I would love to hear suggestions. Should we move to a community with progressive care earlier or later? Or should we stay put and get more help from outside help as we age. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Downsize and simplify- get rid of the clutter and stuff and let go without trying to get family members to take it off your hands. Do this while you are still well enough to call the shots and later decisions about where you are to move will be so much easier (not to mention much less costly).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Downsize and simplify- get rid of the clutter and stuff and let go without trying to get family members to take it off your hands. Do this while you are still well enough to call the shots and later decisions about where you are to move will be so much easier (not to mention much less costly).

Agree, but check with family about irreplaceable things like photos. My grandmother threw away all of their photographs and films of our trips together when my siblings and I were young (we spent weeks with them every year in my youth , lots of crazy car trips), she was trying not to be a burden but my sisters and I would have loved to go through them. In her defense she did this after spending 10 years taking care of her aging mother and understood the burden of stuff, but we still miss those photos.

[Anonymous]

My parents were dead by time last kid was born. If you don't get married young not an issue. My buddy got married at 50 to a 40 year old and had two kids one at 52 and one at 54. He won't be juggling kids and old Parents.