The Elderly Parent Marathon - is this the new norm?

[Anonymous]

My Father in Law passed peacefully and quickly about 11 years ago. Ever since my husband and I have been juggling and managing the various stages of decline with our remaining parents including hospice, home care, independent and assisted living, emergency trips to the hospital, falls/broken bones, blood transfusions and the basic sadness that comes when a parent slowly lets the child take over the reigns (and it has been a fight in one case every step of the way). We love our parents dearly - of course we expected this to some degree - but the fact of the matter is that parents are now living well into their eighties, nineties and beyond. Both of our mothers are alive. One is here and one is out of town. We live the closest so we are on call 24/7 to meet with doctors and deal with the "stuff" that comes up that they just can't deal with anymore. Thankfully I have siblings that are in the same boat as me, but they are 800 miles away so the legwork often falls on me and my husband which is tough because we just turned 50 and still have kids at home. The cost of everything for middle class people is staggering - and they are still lucid enough to worry about it constantly and want to cut corners with the little help they (we) have. I'm venting here because I really hope that our own kids are not faced with such a burden and for so long. Our parents have been relatively healthy - just living long lives and need support - especially once spouses passed. I'm hoping to hear from others in this situation. I am worn out and feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way. Is there a better way? I feel like I'm the only one of my friends with parents/inlaws this old (late 80s and 90s) and nobody can relate. Agh!

[Anonymous]

Nope, you're not the only one. We have two in college, one entering senior year in high school and a dad with lung cancer. I travel a significant amount for work and have also been traveling the twelve hour drive to see the elderly parent (isolated area, few plane flights). I feel like I'm never home!
We had this fantasy about our empty nester 'honeymoon', and we are hearing from many of our friends that this never happens. You are never actually alone together, because the day that the youngest moves out to college you may have an elderly parent move into that bedroom. (Happened to a friend.) You never actually have the money for that spur of the moment vacation because you spent it all traveling to visit elderly relatives. It appears that the cycle may be that you finish caring for your elderly parents and in-laws just in time to be the grandma and watch your children's children. Lord only knows what happens when we get old.
But no, you're not the only one. I can completely sympathize.

[Anonymous]

My parents are in their early 70's but because of health issues I feel like they are more like ill 80-year olds. My mother, physically is healthier than my father. I honestly think all the doctors appointments, tests, pills for this, then more pills to deal with issues from the first pills. . . I have told my mom that she needs to really consider if putting my father through all that is worth it. If he is comfortable, not in pain, some times it is better to let nature take the course and focus on maintain health & not trying to improve something that can't be improved.

Set aside time each week to deal with their issues. My mother makes things so much more complicated than they need to be & would have me over to their house every day for two hours if she could. I just can't do it. She wants me to play middle man in the most ineffective ways possible. If she wants to have someone paint a room, I will give her some numbers she can call or I tell her I can call them next time I am at her house & she is able to also get on the phone.

Find ways they will let you take control that might make things easier for you. For example, can you take over paying bills online for them? It was easier to do this for my parents than trying to make it work with me "helping" them to do it ("what do you mean scan, isn't that the same as email?")

[Anonymous]

It is the norm for many usually for a short period of life. It is not new.

[Anonymous]

This is why nursing homes, living wills and advance directives are all great things.

[Anonymous]

The amount of support required by the aging is immense even if you have all the money in the world. Of course you could just let your parents fend for themselves and check in when convenient but most families do not work like this.

[Anonymous]

Newsflash - end of life used to be for a short period of time - not so much now....

[Anonymous]

I want to apologize for posting here since I am 37 but my husband I and my parents who are 64 are going through the same thing. We are taking care of my father on law who is 85 while juggling toddlers and we want to have a third. My husband's mother is in great health and will soon move on with another siblong--his parents are divorced. However, my FIL is newly blind and refuses help. We moved a mile away from him but we can't really have him over since he almost stepped on one of the kids. My parents are taking care of my grandparents who are on their 90s. Both have dementia and my grandmother is blind. I feel terrible that my parents just retired and have a wonderful pension that would allow them to travel but are withering away taking care of my grandparents. Like literally even though they are 64, they act like they are going to die tomorrow. It is hard to see and my dh and I are really talking and making plans for our old age so our kids don't have to go through this.

[Anonymous]

I'm 60, have two kids in college, and three "parents" in their 70s and almost 90s to take care of. Retirement isn't going to happen.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my 40's and have been the primary person for my MIL. Its exhausting.

[Anonymous]

And because of this, you all are planning for your own long term care arrangements, correct? So that you have a plan, and some finances, dedicated to your care as you age. My mom has done this already and I am already so grateful she's had the foresight to plan for her aging.

[Anonymous]

I will not do this to my kids...who wants to live like this? I would sooner just end it then go through all of this.

[Anonymous]

I'm not 50+ but figured I'd chime in. I have small kids, 60 year old parents and grandparents still going strong in their 80s (4 of them). My kids, parents and grandparents all need support and expect holiday visits. Same on DH's side.

[Anonymous]

My parents have all of the pieces in place for the most part - but even with air-tight living wills, long term care policies, funds to pay for independent living and people to clean the house and help with the yard - even an accountant - there is a caregiver and emotional support role that cannot be pre-arranged/outsourced no matter how much you plan - especially if you live a long time. I'm 10 years into this with my mother and the demands and costs are very eye opening. My sister took her MIL in 8 years ago - she is now completely dependent at 91- and my sister has not been on a vacation with her husband for 5 years.

[Anonymous]

It's TOUGH! AARP does a lot of work in this space to help support family caregivers. You're definitely not alone: http://www.aarp.org/home-family/caregiving/