Rant re DH's family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why everyone is telling me OP to get over it. She really doesn't have to get over it, at least not in the way you all are suggesting. She doesn't like these people. She is free not to like them! She can be over the hurtful things they did to her, and NOT want to be near them. It's completely possible to avoid inlaws, many people do it. Just send your DH and kids and enjoy your time by yourself.

Why are you posting as someone else in defense of yourself, OP?

You do realize your first line gave you away, but then you wrote everything almost word for word that you wrote earlier?

Like I said, she's so consumed by hatred of these people, she can't even see the forest for the trees & that her anger for all of these years has been displaced.

She talks about going to see many different therapists, all of them told her to let it go & when they did, she'd move on to the next one negate she didn't want to hear that answer.
All she wants them to do is tell her that she's right.
So, she only trusts the word of the ONE therapist who told her she doesn't her to let it go, just cut them out of her life.

That therapist is doing her a major disservice & is only telling her what she wants to hear.

She's got her heels so dug in to her anger, blinders on, earmuffs blocking out anyone who doesn't agree with her, she's so stubborn & needs to be so right, that she won't even fathom or entertain that her anger may be displaced.

Her anger is all she has now, all she is & its all that she identifies with, which is such a sad way to go through life & even sadder for her children to witness & endure (keep telling yourself that they don't know... children are REALLY smart & way more perceptive than you give them credit for, plus they listen to everything... even when you think they're not listening). Plus, if she doesn't make this right, when her husband and kids go their for holidays without her, I'm pretty sure her kids cousins will fill them in on why the whole family thinks their mommy is a bitch (and by you making ZERO effort, your kids will believe it).

OP, you say you want to change & let go of the anger, but if you really did, you would.

It's a choice, but you have to WANT to make that choice & you clearly do not, you'd prefer to keep the drama & hatred going for anther 20 years & let your bullshit effect the ENTIRE family now... no wonder nobody likes you.

If you wanted to drop it, you would... it's just that easy.

Look at the families of murder victims who forgive their murderers! If they can do that, you certainly can... outs called a choice.

Just know this OP, the fact that you really don't want to let this go, will change your children's perception of you.
The whole entire family wants to let bygones be bygones & be a family again & you're the only one being selfish & standing in the way.

It's been 20 YEARS for God's sake & the fact that you STILL think that you're right & they're wrong, showd how little you've grown. You're stunted in maturity, because you never matured after this, as you're so stuck in this time, you cannot physicalit & mental grow & the fact that not only won't you allow yourself to, but you don't really even WANT to, shows that you definitely dont want to let this go... no matter what you say to the contrary.

I hope you never make a mistake & your husband holds it over your head & throws it up in your face for the next 20 years... you'll see what it feels like & I guarantee you that you'll realize very quickly that maybe you shouldn't have been SO stubborn & sanctimonious for all of these years.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing. Marriage is inherently unfair. You can't be a bean counter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why everyone is telling me OP to get over it. She really doesn't have to get over it, at least not in the way you all are suggesting. She doesn't like these people. She is free not to like them! She can be over the hurtful things they did to her, and NOT want to be near them. It's completely possible to avoid inlaws, many people do it. Just send your DH and kids and enjoy your time by yourself.

Why are you posting as someone else in defense of yourself, OP?

You do realize your first line gave you away, but then you wrote everything almost word for word that you wrote earlier?

Like I said, she's so consumed by hatred of these people, she can't even see the forest for the trees & that her anger for all of these years has been displaced.

She talks about going to see many different therapists, all of them told her to let it go & when they did, she'd move on to the next one negate she didn't want to hear that answer.
All she wants them to do is tell her that she's right.
So, she only trusts the word of the ONE therapist who told her she doesn't her to let it go, just cut them out of her life.

That therapist is doing her a major disservice & is only telling her what she wants to hear.

She's got her heels so dug in to her anger, blinders on, earmuffs blocking out anyone who doesn't agree with her, she's so stubborn & needs to be so right, that she won't even fathom or entertain that her anger may be displaced.

Her anger is all she has now, all she is & its all that she identifies with, which is such a sad way to go through life & even sadder for her children to witness & endure (keep telling yourself that they don't know... children are REALLY smart & way more perceptive than you give them credit for, plus they listen to everything... even when you think they're not listening). Plus, if she doesn't make this right, when her husband and kids go their for holidays without her, I'm pretty sure her kids cousins will fill them in on why the whole family thinks their mommy is a bitch (and by you making ZERO effort, your kids will believe it).

OP, you say you want to change & let go of the anger, but if you really did, you would.

It's a choice, but you have to WANT to make that choice & you clearly do not, you'd prefer to keep the drama & hatred going for anther 20 years & let your bullshit effect the ENTIRE family now... no wonder nobody likes you.

If you wanted to drop it, you would... it's just that easy.

Look at the families of murder victims who forgive their murderers! If they can do that, you certainly can... outs called a choice.

Just know this OP, the fact that you really don't want to let this go, will change your children's perception of you.
The whole entire family wants to let bygones be bygones & be a family again & you're the only one being selfish & standing in the way.

It's been 20 YEARS for God's sake & the fact that you STILL think that you're right & they're wrong, showd how little you've grown. You're stunted in maturity, because you never matured after this, as you're so stuck in this time, you cannot physicalit & mental grow & the fact that not only won't you allow yourself to, but you don't really even WANT to, shows that you definitely dont want to let this go... no matter what you say to the contrary.

I hope you never make a mistake & your husband holds it over your head & throws it up in your face for the next 20 years... you'll see what it feels like & I guarantee you that you'll realize very quickly that maybe you shouldn't have been SO stubborn & sanctimonious for all of these years.

It really wasn't my post. But I actually agree with what you are saying and am trying.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why everyone is telling me OP to get over it. She really doesn't have to get over it, at least not in the way you all are suggesting. She doesn't like these people. She is free not to like them! She can be over the hurtful things they did to her, and NOT want to be near them. It's completely possible to avoid inlaws, many people do it. Just send your DH and kids and enjoy your time by yourself.

Why are you posting as someone else in defense of yourself, OP?

You do realize your first line gave you away, but then you wrote everything almost word for word that you wrote earlier?

Like I said, she's so consumed by hatred of these people, she can't even see the forest for the trees & that her anger for all of these years has been displaced.

She talks about going to see many different therapists, all of them told her to let it go & when they did, she'd move on to the next one negate she didn't want to hear that answer.
All she wants them to do is tell her that she's right.
So, she only trusts the word of the ONE therapist who told her she doesn't her to let it go, just cut them out of her life.

That therapist is doing her a major disservice & is only telling her what she wants to hear.

She's got her heels so dug in to her anger, blinders on, earmuffs blocking out anyone who doesn't agree with her, she's so stubborn & needs to be so right, that she won't even fathom or entertain that her anger may be displaced.

Her anger is all she has now, all she is & its all that she identifies with, which is such a sad way to go through life & even sadder for her children to witness & endure (keep telling yourself that they don't know... children are REALLY smart & way more perceptive than you give them credit for, plus they listen to everything... even when you think they're not listening). Plus, if she doesn't make this right, when her husband and kids go their for holidays without her, I'm pretty sure her kids cousins will fill them in on why the whole family thinks their mommy is a bitch (and by you making ZERO effort, your kids will believe it).

OP, you say you want to change & let go of the anger, but if you really did, you would.

It's a choice, but you have to WANT to make that choice & you clearly do not, you'd prefer to keep the drama & hatred going for anther 20 years & let your bullshit effect the ENTIRE family now... no wonder nobody likes you.

If you wanted to drop it, you would... it's just that easy.

Look at the families of murder victims who forgive their murderers! If they can do that, you certainly can... outs called a choice.

Just know this OP, the fact that you really don't want to let this go, will change your children's perception of you.
The whole entire family wants to let bygones be bygones & be a family again & you're the only one being selfish & standing in the way.

It's been 20 YEARS for God's sake & the fact that you STILL think that you're right & they're wrong, showd how little you've grown. You're stunted in maturity, because you never matured after this, as you're so stuck in this time, you cannot physicalit & mental grow & the fact that not only won't you allow yourself to, but you don't really even WANT to, shows that you definitely dont want to let this go... no matter what you say to the contrary.

I hope you never make a mistake & your husband holds it over your head & throws it up in your face for the next 20 years... you'll see what it feels like & I guarantee you that you'll realize very quickly that maybe you shouldn't have been SO stubborn & sanctimonious for all of these years.

I'm the poster you're quoting and I'm not the OP. I just happen to disagree with the hordes of comments telling her to get over it and become best friends with the people she doesn't like. Look, not everyone is meant to have personal chemistry. She doesn't like that side of the family. That's plain to see. She doesn't have to! Sure, it's better for her to stop feeling the anger and resentment from the past, but that doesn't have to end with them becoming best buddies. She doesn't like them. She has the right not to like them, and to minimize the presence of people she doesn't like in her life. It's simple. Yes she should let it go, but she can let THEM go as well.

[Anonymous]

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

[Anonymous]

Hallelujah, OP!

I'm being really harsh on you, but it's only because I want you to see that NOT letting this go is so bad for you. Whether you see it or not, it's going to affect every area of your life.

It's not healthy for you to hang onto such anger, such hatred, such animosity. It changes you as a person, it really does.

You'll never be as happy as you can be, you'll never be able to be as wonderful of a wife & mother as you can be, you'll never be as fulfilled with life as you can be.

You have this GIANT black cloud hanging over you at all times & even if you feel your children don't know, they know SOMETHING isn't right.

Don't you think you owe it to them to be the very best mother that you can? As long as you hang onto this anger, you'll never be able to give that to them... ever.

I don't know you OP, but I really, really want the best for you.
You sound like a really good egg & you don't deserve to have this hanging over you constantly.

Youre like one of those cartoons where everywhere the main character goes, the rain cloud follows him & rains only on him. You're wearing an overcoat of anger & negativity that's so heavy & so draining, it literally sucks the life out of you.

You deserve so much better than that, OP... so much.

Have you heard the old expression "the only person who's hurt by a grudge, is the person holding the grudge"?
That's because the person the grudge is being held against, either doesn't know you have this grudge or just doesn't care.

So you're the only person being affected by this anger & resentment & I understand you want them to feel it, but you have to be honest with yourself & come to the realization that they just don't care. So the only person this grudge is hurting is you.

You may be absolutely valid in your feelings & totally right in every way possible, however how is being right making you happy?

Has anything I've said at all gotten through to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why everyone is telling me OP to get over it. She really doesn't have to get over it, at least not in the way you all are suggesting. She doesn't like these people. She is free not to like them! She can be over the hurtful things they did to her, and NOT want to be near them. It's completely possible to avoid inlaws, many people do it. Just send your DH and kids and enjoy your time by yourself.

Why are you posting as someone else in defense of yourself, OP?

You do realize your first line gave you away, but then you wrote everything almost word for word that you wrote earlier?

Like I said, she's so consumed by hatred of these people, she can't even see the forest for the trees & that her anger for all of these years has been displaced.

She talks about going to see many different therapists, all of them told her to let it go & when they did, she'd move on to the next one negate she didn't want to hear that answer.
All she wants them to do is tell her that she's right.
So, she only trusts the word of the ONE therapist who told her she doesn't her to let it go, just cut them out of her life.

That therapist is doing her a major disservice & is only telling her what she wants to hear.

She's got her heels so dug in to her anger, blinders on, earmuffs blocking out anyone who doesn't agree with her, she's so stubborn & needs to be so right, that she won't even fathom or entertain that her anger may be displaced.

Her anger is all she has now, all she is & its all that she identifies with, which is such a sad way to go through life & even sadder for her children to witness & endure (keep telling yourself that they don't know... children are REALLY smart & way more perceptive than you give them credit for, plus they listen to everything... even when you think they're not listening). Plus, if she doesn't make this right, when her husband and kids go their for holidays without her, I'm pretty sure her kids cousins will fill them in on why the whole family thinks their mommy is a bitch (and by you making ZERO effort, your kids will believe it).

OP, you say you want to change & let go of the anger, but if you really did, you would.

It's a choice, but you have to WANT to make that choice & you clearly do not, you'd prefer to keep the drama & hatred going for anther 20 years & let your bullshit effect the ENTIRE family now... no wonder nobody likes you.

If you wanted to drop it, you would... it's just that easy.

Look at the families of murder victims who forgive their murderers! If they can do that, you certainly can... outs called a choice.

Just know this OP, the fact that you really don't want to let this go, will change your children's perception of you.
The whole entire family wants to let bygones be bygones & be a family again & you're the only one being selfish & standing in the way.

It's been 20 YEARS for God's sake & the fact that you STILL think that you're right & they're wrong, showd how little you've grown. You're stunted in maturity, because you never matured after this, as you're so stuck in this time, you cannot physicalit & mental grow & the fact that not only won't you allow yourself to, but you don't really even WANT to, shows that you definitely dont want to let this go... no matter what you say to the contrary.

I hope you never make a mistake & your husband holds it over your head & throws it up in your face for the next 20 years... you'll see what it feels like & I guarantee you that you'll realize very quickly that maybe you shouldn't have been SO stubborn & sanctimonious for all of these years.

I'm the poster you're quoting and I'm not the OP. I just happen to disagree with the hordes of comments telling her to get over it and become best friends with the people she doesn't like. Look, not everyone is meant to have personal chemistry. She doesn't like that side of the family. That's plain to see. She doesn't have to! Sure, it's better for her to stop feeling the anger and resentment from the past, but that doesn't have to end with them becoming best buddies. She doesn't like them. She has the right not to like them, and to minimize the presence of people she doesn't like in her life. It's simple. Yes she should let it go, but she can let THEM go as well.

I'm the person you quoted & I actually happen to agree with you.

My main concern is that she let's go of the animosity, resentment & anger, for her own well being.

She doesn't have to love them or even like them, but she'll see by letting go of the anger, she'll be able to move on with them.

Btw, the spouses of the siblings had nothing to do with this, it happened way before they even met their spouses, yet OP is still allowing her anger to affect her relationships with the spouses & children of the siblings.

She can have a wonderful relationship with the siblings wives & never have anything to do with the siblings.
I dont particularly like my BIL, he's a disgusting pig.
However, I adore his wife & daughters & when we're together, I act like he's invisible.

My feelings towards him will never affect my feelings towards them... ever.

The OP's anger is clouding all of her relationships on that side, even her innocent nieces & nephews & that's not healthy, not fair.

[Anonymous]

I'm the poster you're quoting and I'm not the OP. I just happen to disagree with the hordes of comments telling her to get over it and become best friends with the people she doesn't like. Look, not everyone is meant to have personal chemistry. She doesn't like that side of the family. That's plain to see. She doesn't have to! Sure, it's better for her to stop feeling the anger and resentment from the past, but that doesn't have to end with them becoming best buddies. She doesn't like them. She has the right not to like them, and to minimize the presence of people she doesn't like in her life. It's simple. Yes she should let it go, but she can let THEM go as well.

I'm the person you quoted above & I actually happen to agree with you.

My main concern is that she let's go of the animosity, resentment & anger, for her own well being.

She doesn't have to love them or even like them, but she'll see by letting go of the anger, she'll be able to move on with with her OWN life... and by her own admission, she hasn't been able to.

Btw, the spouses of the siblings had nothing to do with what she's so upset about, it happened way before they even met their spouses, yet OP is still allowing her anger to affect her relationships with the spouses & children of the siblings.
They are innocent victims...collateral damage & they probably haven't got a clue why she hates them so much, which is really sad for them.

She can have a wonderful relationship with the siblings wives & never have anything to do with the siblings.
I dont particularly like my BIL, he's a disgusting pig.
However, I adore his wife & daughters & when we're together, I act like he's totally invisible.

My disgusted feelings towards him will never affect my feelings towards them... ever.

The OP's anger is clouding all of her relationships on that side, even her innocent nieces & nephews & that's not healthy, nor fair... not just for them, but for her too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I'm confused about a few things:
-could DH's family contributed to college and were holding back? It sounds like they went through tough times financially and couldn't pay the bill. If that's so, then I wouldn't hold resentment against his parents for not paying for his college.
- It wasn't appropriate for his parent to call you and ask you to pay off his loans. Were you married at the time? If you were married, it's a reasonable decision for couples to decide to pay off all outstanding student loans together, regardless of what his family said.
- Is there more

They couldn't have right then. They could have paid his loans later, once the financial situation has stabilized. His siblings basically threatened to cut off all contact with the family unless their tuition got paid - it got paid. DH never did this and his tuition never got paid.

We were married. But my problem is that I still feel that I took on what was essentially his parents' obligation.

Yeah, I basically feel that his family always viewed me as a cash cow.

You took on what was his own obligation. He could pay it off himself, but you chose to do it. You are a cash cow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hallelujah, OP!

I'm being really harsh on you, but it's only because I want you to see that NOT letting this go is so bad for you. Whether you see it or not, it's going to affect every area of your life.

It's not healthy for you to hang onto such anger, such hatred, such animosity. It changes you as a person, it really does.

You'll never be as happy as you can be, you'll never be able to be as wonderful of a wife & mother as you can be, you'll never be as fulfilled with life as you can be.

You have this GIANT black cloud hanging over you at all times & even if you feel your children don't know, they know SOMETHING isn't right.

Don't you think you owe it to them to be the very best mother that you can? As long as you hang onto this anger, you'll never be able to give that to them... ever.

I don't know you OP, but I really, really want the best for you.
You sound like a really good egg & you don't deserve to have this hanging over you constantly.

Youre like one of those cartoons where everywhere the main character goes, the rain cloud follows him & rains only on him. You're wearing an overcoat of anger & negativity that's so heavy & so draining, it literally sucks the life out of you.

You deserve so much better than that, OP... so much.

Have you heard the old expression "the only person who's hurt by a grudge, is the person holding the grudge"?
That's because the person the grudge is being held against, either doesn't know you have this grudge or just doesn't care.

So you're the only person being affected by this anger & resentment & I understand you want them to feel it, but you have to be honest with yourself & come to the realization that they just don't care. So the only person this grudge is hurting is you.

You may be absolutely valid in your feelings & totally right in every way possible, however how is being right making you happy?

Has anything I've said at all gotten through to you?

Yes. Thank you.

- OP

[Anonymous]

New poster here.
I think there is something else hiding behind your anger at DH's family. Anger at your younger self for being taken advantage of? I don't know if your marriage was a "great deal" at the end, after paying your husband's debt, having an SN child with him, and being a primary breadwinner all these years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: New poster here.
I think there is something else hiding behind your anger at DH's family. Anger at your younger self for being taken advantage of? I don't know if your marriage was a "great deal" at the end, after paying your husband's debt, having an SN child with him, and being a primary breadwinner all these years?

She was hardly taken advantage of. She chose to do what she did.

[Anonymous]

The special needs are from HIS side of the family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The special needs are from HIS side of the family

Are you sure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The special needs are from HIS side of the family

You know OP, I was starting to give you the benefit of a doubt. But you're just a bitch through and through. Your poor kids, you're a terrible role model for them.