Rant re DH's family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So here is the only conversation you need to have: "DH, darling, I realize now, after twenty years, that I really did not want to pay for your education. I have been resentful of it all this time. You need to pay me back."

Actually, thank you. This is what I need to hear. I wish I could do it, take the $ and go on a nice long vacation. Too bad it needs to go in the college fund instead.

No, it doesn't have to. Here is where DH's family values come in. You can exoect your children to work and pay for at least some of their own college educations, and have some skin in the game. Take your money and go on vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You also should know that if you go talk to his family, they may not give you the ideal reaction you're hoping for. This is probably best worked out with a therapist first.

Maybe you need to sit with yourself first and think through just what it is you really want. The money? The venting? The family to show you eternal gratitude? Your DH to show you some gratitude? What is the minimum you will accept? Will the possible turmoil you create be worth it?

Just an acknowledgement that I was treated badly would do. But I doubt it would ever happen.

You're exhausting. I bet you play up your victim card every chance you get. I guarantee this isn't the only thing you feel like you've been victimized over lol. Sad really.

Nope, I don't. I actually think I am lucky and my life is rather nice. I just can't get over this one issue and my inability to do it amazes even me.

I'd be mad at myself to begin with that I stupidly did it. They were rude and wrong to ask you to do it in the first place. Even so I wouldn't want much to do with them either. As long as your husband isn't taking the kids over there too much interfering with family time I wouldn't care. Too bad he's not a little smarter keeping them at a distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the "they took advantage of an immigrant kid" stuff. They aren't nice and it's understandable that you don't like them but they didn't take special advantage of you.

I feel like I was fulfilling their obligations to their son. We both worked several jobs through college and grad school. They could have made lives easier for us but didn't.

My husband and I both took care of college and grad school on our own. I don't get what your problem is. Parents are only obligated to provide for kids until 18. There is no obligation to pay for college.

Honestly, I never understood this. Does your child stop being your child the night of their 18th birthday? Why not educate them and give them a start in life, if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So here is the only conversation you need to have: "DH, darling, I realize now, after twenty years, that I really did not want to pay for your education. I have been resentful of it all this time. You need to pay me back."

Actually, thank you. This is what I need to hear. I wish I could do it, take the $ and go on a nice long vacation. Too bad it needs to go in the college fund instead.

No, it doesn't have to. Here is where DH's family values come in. You can exoect your children to work and pay for at least some of their own college educations, and have some skin in the game. Take your money and go on vacation.

That would make me too much like them I am afraid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I STILL dont understand why your husband expected anyone else to pay his tuition but him??

His parents felt YOU should pay it, YOU felt they should pay it, but why wasn't anyone expecting HIM to pay it??

He sounds helpless!

Please explain to me why someone else had to pay this loan for him, because HE is the one you should blame for this!

HE could have told them to treat you better, but he didn't.
HE could have paid his own student loans, but instead he pitted you & his parents against each other & each of you expected the other to pay for it, BUT WHY DIDN'T HE???

He was, but at the rate he was doing it it would have taken 30 years. Maybe I should have just let him.

I'm the person you quoted above & I have to tell you, this is THE smartest thing I've heard you say in this entire post, OP.

It sounds like he was more than content to let his family take the blame for this whole tuition thing, because by doing so it takes the blame off of him.

It sounds as if he was more than willing to allow you to pay for it. He could have said "NO, I'll do it" but he didn't & by doing so, he also allowed you to keep your hatred for his parents alive. He knew that if you ever stopped blaming them, your sites would be directed right at him.

What kind of man expects either his mommy & daddy OR his wifey to pay his way and those are the only two options?

I have to tell you OP, I think your anger has been displaced for the past 20 years & he's been more than happy to allow you to fuel your rage at them, so it wouldn't be turned against him.

He is who I'd really be upset with, not his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You also should know that if you go talk to his family, they may not give you the ideal reaction you're hoping for. This is probably best worked out with a therapist first.

Maybe you need to sit with yourself first and think through just what it is you really want. The money? The venting? The family to show you eternal gratitude? Your DH to show you some gratitude? What is the minimum you will accept? Will the possible turmoil you create be worth it?

Just an acknowledgement that I was treated badly would do. But I doubt it would ever happen.

You're exhausting. I bet you play up your victim card every chance you get. I guarantee this isn't the only thing you feel like you've been victimized over lol. Sad really.

Nope, I don't. I actually think I am lucky and my life is rather nice. I just can't get over this one issue and my inability to do it amazes even me.

I'd be mad at myself to begin with that I stupidly did it. They were rude and wrong to ask you to do it in the first place. Even so I wouldn't want much to do with them either. As long as your husband isn't taking the kids over there too much interfering with family time I wouldn't care. Too bad he's not a little smarter keeping them at a distance.

I am working on the not caring part - I keep when I posted that I would get lots of different perspectives from DCUM (including being chewed out) and it's helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I STILL dont understand why your husband expected anyone else to pay his tuition but him??

His parents felt YOU should pay it, YOU felt they should pay it, but why wasn't anyone expecting HIM to pay it??

He sounds helpless!

Please explain to me why someone else had to pay this loan for him, because HE is the one you should blame for this!

HE could have told them to treat you better, but he didn't.
HE could have paid his own student loans, but instead he pitted you & his parents against each other & each of you expected the other to pay for it, BUT WHY DIDN'T HE???

He was, but at the rate he was doing it it would have taken 30 years. Maybe I should have just let him.

I'm the person you quoted above & I have to tell you, this is THE smartest thing I've heard you say in this entire post, OP.

It sounds like he was more than content to let his family take the blame for this whole tuition thing, because by doing so it takes the blame off of him.

It sounds as if he was more than willing to allow you to pay for it. He could have said "NO, I'll do it" but he didn't & by doing so, he also allowed you to keep your hatred for his parents alive. He knew that if you ever stopped blaming them, your sites would be directed right at him.

What kind of man expects either his mommy & daddy OR his wifey to pay his way and those are the only two options?

I have to tell you OP, I think your anger has been displaced for the past 20 years & he's been more than happy to allow you to fuel your rage at them, so it wouldn't be turned against him.

He is who I'd really be upset with, not his parents.

In retrospect I was young and was thought that debt was a really bad thing. I had to get over that eventually or we would never had owned a home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So here is the only conversation you need to have: "DH, darling, I realize now, after twenty years, that I really did not want to pay for your education. I have been resentful of it all this time. You need to pay me back."

Actually, thank you. This is what I need to hear. I wish I could do it, take the $ and go on a nice long vacation. Too bad it needs to go in the college fund instead.

No, it doesn't have to. Here is where DH's family values come in. You can exoect your children to work and pay for at least some of their own college educations, and have some skin in the game. Take your money and go on vacation.

That would make me too much like them I am afraid.

Who paid for your education?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So here is the only conversation you need to have: "DH, darling, I realize now, after twenty years, that I really did not want to pay for your education. I have been resentful of it all this time. You need to pay me back."

Actually, thank you. This is what I need to hear. I wish I could do it, take the $ and go on a nice long vacation. Too bad it needs to go in the college fund instead.

No, it doesn't have to. Here is where DH's family values come in. You can exoect your children to work and pay for at least some of their own college educations, and have some skin in the game. Take your money and go on vacation.

That would make me too much like them I am afraid.

Who paid for your education?

I had loans I was paying down. My family eventually paid off what was left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the "they took advantage of an immigrant kid" stuff. They aren't nice and it's understandable that you don't like them but they didn't take special advantage of you.

I feel like I was fulfilling their obligations to their son. We both worked several jobs through college and grad school. They could have made lives easier for us but didn't.

My husband and I both took care of college and grad school on our own. I don't get what your problem is. Parents are only obligated to provide for kids until 18. There is no obligation to pay for college.

Honestly, I never understood this. Does your child stop being your child the night of their 18th birthday? Why not educate them and give them a start in life, if you can.

But you even said at the time that one parent had passed and the other one was going through financial hardship.
HE should have been a real man & accepted the responsibility for himself.

Also, if parents want to pay their children's tuition as a gift, that's wonderful. However, it should NOT be expected, as they have NO obligation to do so & you can't blame them for trying to make their children responsible, by paying their own way.

You're just so blinded by hatred OP, you can't see the forest for the trees.

When it comes to the tuition, your husband is soley to blame.
When it comes to the way they treated you, he allowed that too & your husband is solely to blame.

He should have never have accepted your money, just to manipulate you into placing blame in his parents lap.
I know plenty of kids who's parents never pay a dime towards their tuition & they work 2-3 jobs while in school.

Why are you blaming his parents that YOU got stuck paying off his tuition... blame him.

That sounds extremely manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So here is the only conversation you need to have: "DH, darling, I realize now, after twenty years, that I really did not want to pay for your education. I have been resentful of it all this time. You need to pay me back."

Actually, thank you. This is what I need to hear. I wish I could do it, take the $ and go on a nice long vacation. Too bad it needs to go in the college fund instead.

No, it doesn't have to. Here is where DH's family values come in. You can exoect your children to work and pay for at least some of their own college educations, and have some skin in the game. Take your money and go on vacation.

That would make me too much like them I am afraid.

Who paid for your education?

I had loans I was paying down. My family eventually paid off what was left.

So why would it be so bad for your children to work and pay for some of their own education? You can take some money and go on vacation! Maybe you'll come back with the new attitude you so desperately need. Allow some fun, happiness and lightheartedness into your lives. That would be money well spent and benefit the whole family.

[Anonymous]

I don't get why everyone is telling me OP to get over it. She really doesn't have to get over it, at least not in the way you all are suggesting. She doesn't like these people. She is free not to like them! She can be over the hurtful things they did to her, and NOT want to be near them. It's completely possible to avoid inlaws, many people do it. Just send your DH and kids and enjoy your time by yourself.

[Anonymous]

Not going to comment on a lot of this stuff but to me the bottom line is 1) you love your husband 2)your husband wants his family in his life and 3) these people will never feel bad about behaving that way...seriously. If they did they would have given you money. So what is the point of continuing to feel so bothered by them? Also it is unclear to me why you dislike his siblings because his parents paid for their college? All they did was what most people would do...accept the money.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should secretly set your phone on video record, prop it up so he's in view & then print out these comments & show him them all to him (with the exception of this one, or he'll know you're recording him, lol).

His reaction will be very, very telling.

The reason I suggest setting up a camera is because you need to see not only his body language, but when people are trying to get out of accepting blame, they'll say whatever they can, even if it's not true (or they'll embellish the truth, etc). Also, when people lie, they do everything in their power to try to convince you that they never said that (even if they just said it moments earlier) or try to convince you that you're hearing things out you're just crazy (a favorite word men love to call women when they get caught, that our psycho).

I guarantee you that his reaction today after being caught off guard with all of these comments placing the blame on him will be much different, than if you bring it up again let's say next week & he's had time to process things & come up with different excuses than he said today.
That's when you'll know.

Id show him the comments today, secretly record what he says, then drop it. Next week bring it up again & after having a week to think about ways to get out of being the fall guy, he'll say completely different things than he said today & you can compare the two. If he lies & says different things next week, you know his parents were NEVER to blame, it was all him.

You'll see, compare the two & he'll find a way to take the blame off of him (who it should be on) because today, he won't have time to think of any other excuse, as you're catching him off guard (he still thinks he's home free since you hate his parents for this, but give him a week & he'll come up with some excuse why it wasnt his fault... maybe he'll say that YOU'RE to blame for paying it next, lol).

[Anonymous]

So, I have a different solution for you, OP.

Shower these people with kindness when you next see them. Buy them gifts, cook their favorite foods, smile and be charming. Listen and laugh at their jokes.

You have to fake it til you make it, and one day you will realize that you actually enjoy their company.