Here is a hill to die on: Ban on showers hosted by Mom or MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nah, I think there is plenty of fault, and I feel badly used in this particular situation. I don't hate my MIL, but I don't enjoy her. I don't expect our relationship to get better, and I don't expect it to get worse. It will go on just fine, superficially nice, except that I will be more wary of situations where she might do something like this in the future, and I will defend my borders with more vigilance. I am not really worried about the relationship.

As far as manners go ... they are not just arbitrary rules. They are meant to protect against hurting other people's feelings. My feelings are hurt. I feel that there was a breach of manners here, even if it's not the MIL hosting issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nah, I think there is plenty of fault, and I feel badly used in this particular situation. I don't hate my MIL, but I don't enjoy her. I don't expect our relationship to get better, and I don't expect it to get worse. It will go on just fine, superficially nice, except that I will be more wary of situations where she might do something like this in the future, and I will defend my borders with more vigilance. I am not really worried about the relationship.

As far as manners go ... they are not just arbitrary rules. They are meant to protect against hurting other people's feelings. My feelings are hurt. I feel that there was a breach of manners here, even if it's not the MIL hosting issue.

Look. This is bothering me, so I'm going to explain one more time.

MIL asked me for X. I said, no, how about Y? She agreed to Y. But then she did X anyway. That is rude!!

It doesn't change because X is a shower and you think that showers are wonderful and that MILs should have carte blanche to do whatever the hell they want.

If you can't accept that other people may have other perspectives on showers, and that other people have feelings that are not the same as yours, that's probably why your DIL does not love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nah, I think there is plenty of fault, and I feel badly used in this particular situation. I don't hate my MIL, but I don't enjoy her. I don't expect our relationship to get better, and I don't expect it to get worse. It will go on just fine, superficially nice, except that I will be more wary of situations where she might do something like this in the future, and I will defend my borders with more vigilance. I am not really worried about the relationship.

As far as manners go ... they are not just arbitrary rules. They are meant to protect against hurting other people's feelings. My feelings are hurt. I feel that there was a breach of manners here, even if it's not the MIL hosting issue.

Look. This is bothering me, so I'm going to explain one more time.

MIL asked me for X. I said, no, how about Y? She agreed to Y. But then she did X anyway. That is rude!!

It doesn't change because X is a shower and you think that showers are wonderful and that MILs should have carte blanche to do whatever the hell they want.

If you can't accept that other people may have other perspectives on showers, and that other people have feelings that are not the same as yours, that's probably why your DIL does not love you.

I do not have daughter in laws but I do have a MIL who has had her fair share of being difficult.

You are going to have so many real battles down the line. This gesture of kindness is not the "hill to die on." If you are battling and getting hurt feelings over something as normal as a celebratory baby shower, you are in for a very long and painful road with your family relations.

[Anonymous]

But a baby shower after the baby is born where all the guests are friend of MIL is just tacky as all get-out. Even worse when OP politely declined a pre-birth shower in the first place.

[Anonymous]

One more time: it is not a "gesture of kindness" when someone a) ignores your wishes while b) on a mission to throw their own selves a party!!! Why do you not get that?

If one more person tells me I should be grateful for my MIL being selfish!!

It's OK though, I know there are some sane people here who agree with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But a baby shower after the baby is born where all the guests are friend of MIL is just tacky as all get-out. Even worse when OP politely declined a pre-birth shower in the first place.

Thank you, sane person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One more time: it is not a "gesture of kindness" when someone a) ignores your wishes while b) on a mission to throw their own selves a party!!! Why do you not get that?

If one more person tells me I should be grateful for my MIL being selfish!!

It's OK though, I know there are some sane people here who agree with me.

No one has told you to be grateful.

Gracious and grateful are two different words with different meanings.

[Anonymous]

Several people have said "grateful." Don't worry about me, I am gracious on the outside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But a baby shower after the baby is born where all the guests are friend of MIL is just tacky as all get-out. Even worse when OP politely declined a pre-birth shower in the first place.

Thank you, sane person

you're welcome. I'm the one threatening the well-being of my mom and MIL is they dare come up this hill one more time. I feel ya.

[Anonymous]

I think the reality is that there are usually 3 types of baby showers now (the work friends/the casual friends with an easy breezy shower/and the mom/MIL - or maybe SIL sister who have the more traditional showers) and I have enjoyed them all for what they are. The mom/MIL I've been to have always been just lovely events but then in my circle we all seem to get along with our parents and husband's parents and I know most of my friend's parents if even just in passing (seeing them at the bridal showers and weddings, etc.) I have zero interest in the sip and see things - and haven't had or been invited to one but just the idea of having to stress having my baby 'perform' is just too much to even contemplate. My MIL isn't my closest friend but she's my kid's grandmother and of course if she wants to share what for her is a very exciting moment then I will do my best to be gracious about but again - we have a respectful give and take history

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To clarify, a baby shower thrown by grandma is often a party for grandma, with grandma's guest list, and grandma's preferences. As if grandma threw herself a birthday party.

totally agree. However, my MIL wanted to throw herself a party and all her lady friends wanted to come. She had a large group of close friends and they enjoy celebrating each other's life events, which at this point includes grandkids. It was weird for me to get showered by a lunch of 60 yr olds I didn't know but I got some great stuff and MIL and friends had a blast. I think it just depends on the situation.

[Anonymous]

My MIL asked to host a bridal, and later a baby shower for me in her home state all the way across the country where I knew no one. I was very uncomfortable with the idea so I politely declined both times, even in my so-called delicate/vulnerable state. If there's ever a time to grow up and take a stand, it's when you're about to embark on raising another human being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But a baby shower after the baby is born where all the guests are friend of MIL is just tacky as all get-out. Even worse when OP politely declined a pre-birth shower in the first place.

See, I think this situation is far less tacky if it's done after the baby is born (though calling it a shower at that point would be confusing). Grandma is clearly excited to show off her new grandchild. And if her friends aren't offended by coming to a situation where they are expected to bring a gift, well that's kind of between grandma and her friends.

OP, I understand being annoyed at your MIL not respecting your wishes, but I think you are going out of your way to feel embarrassed. Your MIL knows her friends better than you, and it's highly doubtful that they think less of you for having been the guest of honor at this event. And on the off chance that they do, who cares? You already said you will probably never see most of these people again.

I think it's legitimate to have a beef with MIL disrespecting your wishes. But don't pretend this is about etiquette. What she did to you is hurtful, not "rude" in a miss manners sense. Let the guests make their own determination if they think your MIL is rude for hosting such an event...DCUM is clearly split on the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL asked to host a bridal, and later a baby shower for me in her home state all the way across the country where I knew no one. I was very uncomfortable with the idea so I politely declined both times, even in my so-called delicate/vulnerable state. If there's ever a time to grow up and take a stand, it's when you're about to embark on raising another human being.

You are my hero. I aspire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But a baby shower after the baby is born where all the guests are friend of MIL is just tacky as all get-out. Even worse when OP politely declined a pre-birth shower in the first place.

See, I think this situation is far less tacky if it's done after the baby is born (though calling it a shower at that point would be confusing). Grandma is clearly excited to show off her new grandchild. And if her friends aren't offended by coming to a situation where they are expected to bring a gift, well that's kind of between grandma and her friends.

OP, I understand being annoyed at your MIL not respecting your wishes, but I think you are going out of your way to feel embarrassed. Your MIL knows her friends better than you, and it's highly doubtful that they think less of you for having been the guest of honor at this event. And on the off chance that they do, who cares? You already said you will probably never see most of these people again.

I think it's legitimate to have a beef with MIL disrespecting your wishes. But don't pretend this is about etiquette. What she did to you is hurtful, not "rude" in a miss manners sense. Let the guests make their own determination if they think your MIL is rude for hosting such an event...DCUM is clearly split on the issue.

Op here, and I think you are mostly correct. Thanks for weighing in in such a measured manner.