Here is a hill to die on: Ban on showers hosted by Mom or MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with pp, my shower, hosted by both MIL and mom, was so much fun! It really isn't about the presents so much as it was great to get together and see family. We can afford to buy all of our own baby items, but family wanted to buy them.
Why can't you just be grateful OP?

Grateful for what?????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have to admit, I think most of your mom- and MIL-hosted showers are fine.

I was trying to think of how to avoid the situation that I'm in (and that others have shared they have been in), when your MIL wants to throw a party for herself (with a guest list of people that I literally have never met before), and you feel guilty about saying no to her (because she's an old lady and it's her grandchild, etc.) even though you feel that the whole thing is rude.

But I can see that most of your showers are really fine, and that no one is put out about them.

My next idea is that we just get rid of showers altogether!! I mean, they are stupid right? Can't we celebrate babies another way??

OP, if you are the same poster as the other thread that was updating about the shower/sip and see her MIL is throwing, I hope you get through your emotions and show up with a smile on your face and no expectations. There's no point in going in with a chip on your shoulder, that will just assure a bad time for yourself and other. It's happening, accept it, get through it and move on. I say this as a person who adjusted down my expectations for visits with my in laws and now just say "it will be fine" and it almost always is.

Thanks. I do know how to behave in social situations. Although my DH points out there may be additional indignities awaiting me, that we cannot have anticipated, regarding this party, I expect to get through it all right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is extremely poor manners to be so petty about the particulars actually.

Showers are happy celebrations. Who cares who throws them?

Most people don't care about the celebration. They only care about raking in the stuff so they don't have to buy it. If they really cared about the celebration, they would buy their own stuff and host a sip n see themselves AFTER the baby is born so guests could really celebrate the true guest of honour. But they don't do that, do they?

Umm have you ever had a baby...by C-section, or other difficult delivery with a long recovery time? What about during flu season when everyone's all sick and spreading germs? No way in hell would I have a "sip n see" (honestly people, this is as bad as "babymoon") under any of those circumstances. Hell, you don't even need those circumstances to not feel like entertaining a bunch of people right after you have a baby. To say that women should do that instead of a baby shower is absurd.

And to boot, you clearly have no concept of it taking a village to raise a child. The goal is to supply new, usually first-time, parents with everything they need, whether they know it or not, because you're all part of that child's village and you want to contribute to their well-being. I think some particulars of some showers are poorer taste (like a Kardashian shower for a third kid, for example), but everyone arguing over etiquette and quoting Emily Post and clutching at their pearls and fanning themselves...you're losing sight of the goal, supporting the new family and the new baby. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is extremely poor manners to be so petty about the particulars actually.

Showers are happy celebrations. Who cares who throws them?

Most people don't care about the celebration. They only care about raking in the stuff so they don't have to buy it. If they really cared about the celebration, they would buy their own stuff and host a sip n see themselves AFTER the baby is born so guests could really celebrate the true guest of honour. But they don't do that, do they?

Umm have you ever had a baby...by C-section, or other difficult delivery with a long recovery time? What about during flu season when everyone's all sick and spreading germs? No way in hell would I have a "sip n see" (honestly people, this is as bad as "babymoon") under any of those circumstances. Hell, you don't even need those circumstances to not feel like entertaining a bunch of people right after you have a baby. To say that women should do that instead of a baby shower is absurd.

And to boot, you clearly have no concept of it taking a village to raise a child. The goal is to supply new, usually first-time, parents with everything they need, whether they know it or not, because you're all part of that child's village and you want to contribute to their well-being. I think some particulars of some showers are poorer taste (like a Kardashian shower for a third kid, for example), but everyone arguing over etiquette and quoting Emily Post and clutching at their pearls and fanning themselves...you're losing sight of the goal, supporting the new family and the new baby. The end.

To be fair, the PP said "after" not "immediately after," haha. The new parents or their relatives should be able to handle an informal party by 3-4 months -- if they want to, and no one is gonna force it!!

[Anonymous]

I kind of agree with OP, although my feelings are not as strong. I think it's best if a dear friend of the family throws the party, even if your mom or MIL is working with them behind the scenes. I feel like it shows the breakdown of social ties in modern life, which is more sad than morally wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is extremely poor manners to be so petty about the particulars actually.

Showers are happy celebrations. Who cares who throws them?

Most people don't care about the celebration. They only care about raking in the stuff so they don't have to buy it. If they really cared about the celebration, they would buy their own stuff and host a sip n see themselves AFTER the baby is born so guests could really celebrate the true guest of honour. But they don't do that, do they?

Umm have you ever had a baby...by C-section, or other difficult delivery with a long recovery time? What about during flu season when everyone's all sick and spreading germs? No way in hell would I have a "sip n see" (honestly people, this is as bad as "babymoon") under any of those circumstances. Hell, you don't even need those circumstances to not feel like entertaining a bunch of people right after you have a baby. To say that women should do that instead of a baby shower is absurd.

And to boot, you clearly have no concept of it taking a village to raise a child. The goal is to supply new, usually first-time, parents with everything they need, whether they know it or not, because you're all part of that child's village and you want to contribute to their well-being. I think some particulars of some showers are poorer taste (like a Kardashian shower for a third kid, for example), but everyone arguing over etiquette and quoting Emily Post and clutching at their pearls and fanning themselves...you're losing sight of the goal, supporting the new family and the new baby. The end.

I love how when it comes to buying stuff and lavishing attention on the mother, it's "the village" that is so very important, but when it comes to actual contact with the baby, fawning over the baby, and maybe mom acting like a host, these people are germy grubbers that you must welcome into your home and (oh the horror!) entertain.

This kind of proves that the shower isn't about celebrating the baby (who isn't even allowed to be there), but about the stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is extremely poor manners to be so petty about the particulars actually.

Showers are happy celebrations. Who cares who throws them?

Most people don't care about the celebration. They only care about raking in the stuff so they don't have to buy it. If they really cared about the celebration, they would buy their own stuff and host a sip n see themselves AFTER the baby is born so guests could really celebrate the true guest of honour. But they don't do that, do they?

Umm have you ever had a baby...by C-section, or other difficult delivery with a long recovery time? What about during flu season when everyone's all sick and spreading germs? No way in hell would I have a "sip n see" (honestly people, this is as bad as "babymoon") under any of those circumstances. Hell, you don't even need those circumstances to not feel like entertaining a bunch of people right after you have a baby. To say that women should do that instead of a baby shower is absurd.

And to boot, you clearly have no concept of it taking a village to raise a child. The goal is to supply new, usually first-time, parents with everything they need, whether they know it or not, because you're all part of that child's village and you want to contribute to their well-being. I think some particulars of some showers are poorer taste (like a Kardashian shower for a third kid, for example), but everyone arguing over etiquette and quoting Emily Post and clutching at their pearls and fanning themselves...you're losing sight of the goal, supporting the new family and the new baby. The end.

I love how when it comes to buying stuff and lavishing attention on the mother, it's "the village" that is so very important, but when it comes to actual contact with the baby, fawning over the baby, and maybe mom acting like a host, these people are germy grubbers that you must welcome into your home and (oh the horror!) entertain.

This kind of proves that the shower isn't about celebrating the baby (who isn't even allowed to be there), but about the stuff.

Uh, no. It just proves I'm not up for facing a large group of people -- nevermind entertaining, and a few close friends offering no gifts would be A-OK by me -- after major abdominal surgery, hormonal fluctuations, struggles with breastfeeding, the prospect of me or the baby getting the flu, or just generally dealing with most of the world when you're trying to figure out how to mother a tiny new baby.

Are you a man, childless woman or just someone who did this so long ago you forget how hard those early weeks and months are?

[Anonymous]

Not PP, but i am someone with reading comprehension, and no one suggested that you be forced to have a large party while you are still recovering. Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of agree with OP, although my feelings are not as strong. I think it's best if a dear friend of the family throws the party, even if your mom or MIL is working with them behind the scenes. I feel like it shows the breakdown of social ties in modern life, which is more sad than morally wrong.

+1

[Anonymous]

All the "sip n sees" I've seen discussed on here on on FB have been in the first couple months of the child's life. I wouldn't have been ready for a number of visitors comparable to a baby shower at that point. Maybe 3 months but as a FTM I would have been nervous passing the baby around. Flame away, I guess, maybe I'm the only FTM who wanted to cocoon my November baby away from the world until spring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the "sip n sees" I've seen discussed on here on on FB have been in the first couple months of the child's life. I wouldn't have been ready for a number of visitors comparable to a baby shower at that point. Maybe 3 months but as a FTM I would have been nervous passing the baby around. Flame away, I guess, maybe I'm the only FTM who wanted to cocoon my November baby away from the world until spring.

I think anytime up to 6 months would be fine. But again, only if you want to!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the "sip n sees" I've seen discussed on here on on FB have been in the first couple months of the child's life. I wouldn't have been ready for a number of visitors comparable to a baby shower at that point. Maybe 3 months but as a FTM I would have been nervous passing the baby around. Flame away, I guess, maybe I'm the only FTM who wanted to cocoon my November baby away from the world until spring.

So what was wrong with waiting till spring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with pp, my shower, hosted by both MIL and mom, was so much fun! It really isn't about the presents so much as it was great to get together and see family. We can afford to buy all of our own baby items, but family wanted to buy them.
Why can't you just be grateful OP?

So what's stopping you from grabbing some appetizers, a few bottles of wine, and inviting everyone over for an open house so you can see all your friends and family and have so much fun together with them again? Shouldn't seeing these people be a priority if it's so great?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with pp, my shower, hosted by both MIL and mom, was so much fun! It really isn't about the presents so much as it was great to get together and see family. We can afford to buy all of our own baby items, but family wanted to buy them.
Why can't you just be grateful OP?

So what's stopping you from grabbing some appetizers, a few bottles of wine, and inviting everyone over for an open house so you can see all your friends and family and have so much fun together with them again? Shouldn't seeing these people be a priority if it's so great?

Because hosting parties is hard, and collecting gifts is easy!!

[Anonymous]

We are just now getting around to having a sip n see for our 11 year old. It's gonna be great.