Here is a hill to die on: Ban on showers hosted by Mom or MIL

[Anonymous]

Moms and MILs should not host showers because ...

1) rude to ask for gifts for family member (etiquette experts agree!)
2) rude to obligate DD or DIL ( it is hard for her to say no to you, and you know it!)
3) rude to throw party for yourself (and being old is not an excuse for being rude!)

Discuss!

[Anonymous]

I disagree on all points.
(1) this is outdated, old school etiquette. Who cares about this rule?
(2) DD or DIL are now grown-ups since they're about to have a baby. Now is as good a time as any to learn how to say no if they don't want something.
(3) I don't think grandma is the pregnant one so how exactly is this throwing a party for oneself??

[Anonymous]

My MIL wanted to throw me a baby shower, but I was so uncomfortable with the idea of asking distant relatives and acquaintances for gifts that I basically put it off until it didn't happen. Instead, she hosted a party with close family and friends about a month after DD was born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree on all points.
(1) this is outdated, old school etiquette. Who cares about this rule?
(2) DD or DIL are now grown-ups since they're about to have a baby. Now is as good a time as any to learn how to say no if they don't want something.
(3) I don't think grandma is the pregnant one so how exactly is this throwing a party for oneself??

Are you an MIL? Have you hosted or attended one of these showers?

[Anonymous]

Rude to throw party for yourself? What exactly is any party that an adult throws other than a party for yourself?

I think relative thrown baby showers are perfectly fine, especially if the majority of people attending are relatives too. Id be upset if I was throwing a shower for a close friend and she invited 30 relatives. I think there should be a friend shower and a relative shower.

[Anonymous]

This cannot be the hill to die on!!

[Anonymous]

To clarify, a baby shower thrown by grandma is often a party for grandma, with grandma's guest list, and grandma's preferences. As if grandma threw herself a birthday party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This cannot be the hill to die on!!

Hahaha, you are the best!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL wanted to throw me a baby shower, but I was so uncomfortable with the idea of asking distant relatives and acquaintances for gifts that I basically put it off until it didn't happen. Instead, she hosted a party with close family and friends about a month after DD was born.

This PP supports points 2 and 3. PP found it hard to say no to the party that MIL was trying to throw for herself, so PP procrastinated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree on all points.
(1) this is outdated, old school etiquette. Who cares about this rule?
(2) DD or DIL are now grown-ups since they're about to have a baby. Now is as good a time as any to learn how to say no if they don't want something.
(3) I don't think grandma is the pregnant one so how exactly is this throwing a party for oneself??

Yes, the DDs and DILs are old enough to say no, but the Moms and MILs are catching them at the most vulnerable time - before birth of first child. This must be the reason Moms ans MILs have gotten away with it so often as to become commonplace, even against established etiquette.

[Anonymous]

I do think etiquette has changed on this point. But i agree with the old school way -- it doesn't seem ok to me to throw a party, the explicit purpose of which is the accumulation of gifts, for your daughter, DIL, or wife. I think sister is ok if you're only inviting family -- a tiny bit weird, but ok. I don't think it's ok for a sister to throw a friend shower.

And when I say "ok" I don't mean according to etiquette. I mean according to not being rude/greedy/self-centered.

[Anonymous]

There are no rules when it comes to throwing a party. Anyone can throw a party. Period.

If any invited guest is offended by an invite from a relative and/or views a baby shower as a gift grab, then that person is simply an asshat...and who wants an asshat at their shower?

Both my mother and MIL hosted bridal and baby showers for me (two different states). And I've been to dozens of showers hosted by family. Nobody bats an eye.

You know what I did find offensive? Being expected to foot the bill for a bridal shower along with the MOH and bridesmaids when most of us were in law school (and not working) because the mother said it would be "inappropriate" for her to host it. You know who should host parties? People with the time, energy, money and interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are no rules when it comes to throwing a party. Anyone can throw a party. Period.

If any invited guest is offended by an invite from a relative and/or views a baby shower as a gift grab, then that person is simply an asshat...and who wants an asshat at their shower?

Both my mother and MIL hosted bridal and baby showers for me (two different states). And I've been to dozens of showers hosted by family. Nobody bats an eye.

You know what I did find offensive? Being expected to foot the bill for a bridal shower along with the MOH and bridesmaids when most of us were in law school (and not working) because the mother said it would be "inappropriate" for her to host it. You know who should host parties? People with the time, energy, money and interest.

This!

[Anonymous]

I think it is extremely poor manners to be so petty about the particulars actually.

Showers are happy celebrations. Who cares who throws them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is extremely poor manners to be so petty about the particulars actually.

Showers are happy celebrations. Who cares who throws them?

Most people don't care about the celebration. They only care about raking in the stuff so they don't have to buy it. If they really cared about the celebration, they would buy their own stuff and host a sip n see themselves AFTER the baby is born so guests could really celebrate the true guest of honour. But they don't do that, do they?