DCUM DWs -- what is your BMI?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20, and yes my DH cares. He made it very clear when we were dating that he would not be attracted to me if I was fat.

Boy, sounds like a happy marriage.

What is so wrong about upfront honesty?
My wife has gained 50 pounds.
Guess what, I am NOT attracted to her now !

(yes, I am still fit like a college athlete)

Because life is long and body shapes are not guaranteed. If you can't love your partner, and find a way to be attracted, when they are up 50 lbs, you are not meant for marriage.

Not PP, but where's the cut-off...100 pounds overweight, 200 pounds overweight? I don't think it is reasonable to say marriage means being physically attracted to your spouse forever and ever, no matter what happens. Instead, I think it is about loving your spouse no matter what and basing intimacy on that love and shared history when the attraction isn't there.

FWIW, I'm a woman.

The fact that you're looking for a cutoff is weird. What's the cutoff for you sticking around, lung cancer? But after a mastectomy you're out? Or if he has a limb amputated see ya later?

Clearly someone who is 200 pounds overweight has a serious health problem and needs to see a doctor but to act like that would happen and the other person would have a right to just walk away? It's the only thing in this category its very strange. No one would say that a woman who had a double mastectomy deserves to be walked away from because her body didn't keep it's end of the bargain.

And honestly once you hit 60...I mean how physically attractive is a 65 year old woman expected to be?

Reading comprehension is important. The point of the post was very clearly not about staying or leaving. The point was that it is unreasonable to expect physical attraction at all times. Posters have been clearly saying that the fact that a man is not attracted to his overweight spouse makes him a bad spouse. I think that is unreasonable - intimacy and connection and love are more important.

If you say marriage means attraction and attraction goes away at a certain point then it isn't an insane leap of logic to believe you're talking about when it is morally acceptable to bail.

I don't think its unreasonable to expect spouses to put in effort to their appearances but I think the level to which DCUM males focus on this and the fact that we have an entire thread dedicated to women being asked to list out their BMIs IS unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20, and yes my DH cares. He made it very clear when we were dating that he would not be attracted to me if I was fat.

Boy, sounds like a happy marriage.

What is so wrong about upfront honesty?
My wife has gained 50 pounds.
Guess what, I am NOT attracted to her now !

(yes, I am still fit like a college athlete)

Because life is long and body shapes are not guaranteed. If you can't love your partner, and find a way to be attracted, when they are up 50 lbs, you are not meant for marriage.

Not PP, but where's the cut-off...100 pounds overweight, 200 pounds overweight? I don't think it is reasonable to say marriage means being physically attracted to your spouse forever and ever, no matter what happens. Instead, I think it is about loving your spouse no matter what and basing intimacy on that love and shared history when the attraction isn't there.

FWIW, I'm a woman.

The fact that you're looking for a cutoff is weird. What's the cutoff for you sticking around, lung cancer? But after a mastectomy you're out? Or if he has a limb amputated see ya later?

Clearly someone who is 200 pounds overweight has a serious health problem and needs to see a doctor but to act like that would happen and the other person would have a right to just walk away? It's the only thing in this category its very strange. No one would say that a woman who had a double mastectomy deserves to be walked away from because her body didn't keep it's end of the bargain.

And honestly once you hit 60...I mean how physically attractive is a 65 year old woman expected to be?

Reading comprehension is important. The point of the post was very clearly not about staying or leaving. The point was that it is unreasonable to expect physical attraction at all times. Posters have been clearly saying that the fact that a man is not attracted to his overweight spouse makes him a bad spouse. I think that is unreasonable - intimacy and connection and love are more important.

If you say marriage means attraction and attraction goes away at a certain point then it isn't an insane leap of logic to believe you're talking about when it is morally acceptable to bail.

I don't think its unreasonable to expect spouses to put in effort to their appearances but I think the level to which DCUM males focus on this and the fact that we have an entire thread dedicated to women being asked to list out their BMIs IS unreasonable.

Um, I believe the post says "I don't think it is reasonable to say marriage means being physically attracted to your spouse forever and ever." In other words, marriage does not mean physical attraction.

Agreed regarding the focus of men on the board, but I think there is a reasonable undercurrent about expecting your spouse to care as long as you are not making stay or leave decisions on this when there otherwise is intimacy, respect, love, friendship (i.e., the real building blocks of marriage).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20, and yes my DH cares. He made it very clear when we were dating that he would not be attracted to me if I was fat.

Boy, sounds like a happy marriage.

What is so wrong about upfront honesty?
My wife has gained 50 pounds.
Guess what, I am NOT attracted to her now !

(yes, I am still fit like a college athlete)

Because life is long and body shapes are not guaranteed. If you can't love your partner, and find a way to be attracted, when they are up 50 lbs, you are not meant for marriage.

I feel like one of the saddest things I've learned from DCUM is how the fact that men are visual first has this like, very destructive effect on long term relationships.

Women really don't rate attractiveness as number one. So there is so much more understanding and empathy if their husband's body changes (obviously not universal). Men rate attractiveness as number one and yet there is this huge part of a woman's life in her 30s that fundamentally changes her body in a way men never experience and so have trouble really understanding.

So there is an element of two parallel lines of resentment that grow out of this. Men that their women have 'let themselves go' and women that men don't understand why it's hard for them and don't understand why men's 'love' is tied to something that is very difficult for women to maintain and isn't something they prioritize themselves.

Or worse. The wife resents the husband because he dumps the majority of the household and kid work on her, and that cortisol spike and lack of time exacerbate the weight gain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow!! That's some major progress there!! Good for you, I'm seriously impressed.

Thank you. It sucks that I even let it get to a place where that kind of progress is possible, but that's my reality -- and I know there's someone else reading who is there too and needs encouragement. It's painful to be there, and it's also in some ways painful to have success losing weight, because you have so many regrets and beat yourself up about it and worry about keeping it off.

The biggest difference maker for me this time has been actually being kind to myself. I thought I could bully myself into losing weight, I just needed to work harder, and the more shame I heaped upon myself the more I'd want to work harder. Not really. That's probably one of the reasons I made myself post... avoiding shame and hating myself has been key to staying on track. It has really changed my perspective about how motivation works.

What motivates you?

PP here. I've had to really think about that lately. The first part of my losses, I honestly was motivated by fear. Fear of diabetes (don't have it but obviously it was lurking), health problems, fear of not fitting into clothes even in plus size stores, fear of being humiliated not fitting into a booth at a restaurant, fear of not fitting in an airline seat, etc.

Fear is a great way to start, to be frank. But it won't keep you going long term, and it certainly won't help you keep it off (although if you can remember some of that fear, it can give you a little boost in being afraid of returning to where you used to be -- but fear is a drag, you don't want it to be the main thing).

I've tried to transition to more of an aspiration motivation, things I'll enjoy about being thinner. Never even having to think about weight limits (for example, on a recent vacation, there were some zip lining excursions where the weight limit for women was something like 180 lbs - I'm tall, so that's only about 10 lbs overweight by BMI for me!), shopping being a non-issue, not feeling shame when going to the doctor or any healthcare provider, day-to-day life being easier, lowered risk for health issues, etc. Hope and aspiration is a little bit of a harder motivation tool than fear, but I've got to get there.

In terms of my comment on changing my perspective on how motivation works, what I meant is that I thought if I felt bad enough about something, I'd be motivated to change it. That makes logical sense to me, especially as a Type A personality. I could not get my head around why this is so hard for me. I know it sounds like a brag, but I kill it in every other area of my life. Unfortunately, when you're that heavy -- you always have your body with you, and it brings you down in every other area of your life too. I thought I could just ruminate on how awful being fat was, and wouldn't that get me to change?

Instead, monitoring my self-talk and being kind to myself, not overly judging myself when I don't make perfect choices, learning from mistakes instead of criticizing myself for them -- that all is working so much better. And it doesn't come naturally for me at all. I think that is a strategy that will last much longer and help me keep it off, because when you're trying to motivate yourself through hating yourself, when you get to a good weight -- you don't hate yourself anymore (or at least don't think you should for that reason). When you motivate yourself through loving yourself (as corny as that sounds), that stays and only gets stronger as you get healthier.

Hope that helps.

Love this. Thanks for answering.

[Anonymous]

I am in my late 30's (woman) and dealing with my hormones going nuts and radically changing. But looking good for my husband AND so that I am comfortable with myself and in my own skin is a priority for me. I'm tired of women giving the excuses. You can find a half hour to work out. You can buy healthier foods. Is that so hard to do if it means being confident in yourself and keeping the spark alive in your relationships? It sucks to deal with but you change the way you've always eaten and always exercised to something different to counteract the hormonal effects. The women on here saying that men are shallow who still want their partner to be attractive are hands down the crew of ladies who have gotten lazy and don't want to BOTHER keeping up their physical attractiveness. It's not that they CAN'T, 99% of the time. It's that they choose not to. That is a disrespect to your spouse. You're all lunatics if you think physical attraction isn't a major part of any relationship.

I work my @ss off for myself. I want to be fit and active. I don't believe in giving up for myself but if I did I would still be loved and
I think everyone deserves that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20, and yes my DH cares. He made it very clear when we were dating that he would not be attracted to me if I was fat.

Boy, sounds like a happy marriage.

What is so wrong about upfront honesty?
My wife has gained 50 pounds.
Guess what, I am NOT attracted to her now !

(yes, I am still fit like a college athlete)

Because life is long and body shapes are not guaranteed. If you can't love your partner, and find a way to be attracted, when they are up 50 lbs, you are not meant for marriage.

I feel like one of the saddest things I've learned from DCUM is how the fact that men are visual first has this like, very destructive effect on long term relationships.

Women really don't rate attractiveness as number one. So there is so much more understanding and empathy if their husband's body changes (obviously not universal). Men rate attractiveness as number one and yet there is this huge part of a woman's life in her 30s that fundamentally changes her body in a way men never experience and so have trouble really understanding.

So there is an element of two parallel lines of resentment that grow out of this. Men that their women have 'let themselves go' and women that men don't understand why it's hard for them and don't understand why men's 'love' is tied to something that is very difficult for women to maintain and isn't something they prioritize themselves.

I am in my late 30's (woman) and dealing with my hormones going nuts and radically changing. But looking good for my husband AND so that I am comfortable with myself and in my own skin is a priority for me. I'm tired of women giving the excuses. You can find a half hour to work out. You can buy healthier foods. Is that so hard to do if it means being confident in yourself and keeping the spark alive in your relationships? It sucks to deal with but you change the way you've always eaten and always exercised to something different to counteract the hormonal effects. The women on here saying that men are shallow who still want their partner to be attractive are hands down the crew of ladies who have gotten lazy and don't want to BOTHER keeping up their physical attractiveness. It's not that they CAN'T, 99% of the time. It's that they choose not to. That is a disrespect to your spouse. You're all lunatics if you think physical attraction isn't a major part of any relationship.

come back to me when you're 51 instead of late 30s and still working out 5X a week, yet not maintaining the shape you have now. You make it sound almost easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20, and yes my DH cares. He made it very clear when we were dating that he would not be attracted to me if I was fat.

Boy, sounds like a happy marriage.

What is so wrong about upfront honesty?
My wife has gained 50 pounds.
Guess what, I am NOT attracted to her now !

(yes, I am still fit like a college athlete)

Because life is long and body shapes are not guaranteed. If you can't love your partner, and find a way to be attracted, when they are up 50 lbs, you are not meant for marriage.

Not PP, but where's the cut-off...100 pounds overweight, 200 pounds overweight? I don't think it is reasonable to say marriage means being physically attracted to your spouse forever and ever, no matter what happens. Instead, I think it is about loving your spouse no matter what and basing intimacy on that love and shared history when the attraction isn't there.

FWIW, I'm a woman.

The fact that you're looking for a cutoff is weird. What's the cutoff for you sticking around, lung cancer? But after a mastectomy you're out? Or if he has a limb amputated see ya later?

Clearly someone who is 200 pounds overweight has a serious health problem and needs to see a doctor but to act like that would happen and the other person would have a right to just walk away? It's the only thing in this category its very strange. No one would say that a woman who had a double mastectomy deserves to be walked away from because her body didn't keep it's end of the bargain.

And honestly once you hit 60...I mean how physically attractive is a 65 year old woman expected to be?

Reading comprehension is important. The point of the post was very clearly not about staying or leaving. The point was that it is unreasonable to expect physical attraction at all times. Posters have been clearly saying that the fact that a man is not attracted to his overweight spouse makes him a bad spouse. I think that is unreasonable - intimacy and connection and love are more important.

If you say marriage means attraction and attraction goes away at a certain point then it isn't an insane leap of logic to believe you're talking about when it is morally acceptable to bail.

I don't think its unreasonable to expect spouses to put in effort to their appearances but I think the level to which DCUM males focus on this and the fact that we have an entire thread dedicated to women being asked to list out their BMIs IS unreasonable.

Um, I believe the post says "I don't think it is reasonable to say marriage means being physically attracted to your spouse forever and ever." In other words, marriage does not mean physical attraction.

Agreed regarding the focus of men on the board, but I think there is a reasonable undercurrent about expecting your spouse to care as long as you are not making stay or leave decisions on this when there otherwise is intimacy, respect, love, friendship (i.e., the real building blocks of marriage).

Ah sorry yes I did misunderstand (twice!) oops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I am in my late 30's (woman) and dealing with my hormones going nuts and radically changing. But looking good for my husband AND so that I am comfortable with myself and in my own skin is a priority for me. I'm tired of women giving the excuses. You can find a half hour to work out. You can buy healthier foods. Is that so hard to do if it means being confident in yourself and keeping the spark alive in your relationships? It sucks to deal with but you change the way you've always eaten and always exercised to something different to counteract the hormonal effects. The women on here saying that men are shallow who still want their partner to be attractive are hands down the crew of ladies who have gotten lazy and don't want to BOTHER keeping up their physical attractiveness. It's not that they CAN'T, 99% of the time. It's that they choose not to. That is a disrespect to your spouse. You're all lunatics if you think physical attraction isn't a major part of any relationship.

This may or may not be true. What I don't understand is why you are so tired of others? Let me guess. You're tired on working on the grand facade that keeps on crumbling. You are also pissed at all the women whose relationships are evidently deeper and happier than yours. I'm sorry you have to work your ass off to stay married. Not all people do. Some of us don't get hung up on extra 15 lbs, because, frankly, there is so much more to life, love, and marrige.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:33.5 today, down from 48.9 in September.

Yes, I have problems. Yes, I am working on them.

Just wanted to let other people out there know they aren't alone. Given the stats on overweight & obesity in our population, the responses are clearly skewed. Not that I blame people for only wanting to respond if they are in a healthy BMI.

Amazing!! Good for you!! So impressed!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am in my late 30's (woman) and dealing with my hormones going nuts and radically changing. But looking good for my husband AND so that I am comfortable with myself and in my own skin is a priority for me. I'm tired of women giving the excuses. You can find a half hour to work out. You can buy healthier foods. Is that so hard to do if it means being confident in yourself and keeping the spark alive in your relationships? It sucks to deal with but you change the way you've always eaten and always exercised to something different to counteract the hormonal effects. The women on here saying that men are shallow who still want their partner to be attractive are hands down the crew of ladies who have gotten lazy and don't want to BOTHER keeping up their physical attractiveness. It's not that they CAN'T, 99% of the time. It's that they choose not to. That is a disrespect to your spouse. You're all lunatics if you think physical attraction isn't a major part of any relationship.

This may or may not be true. What I don't understand is why you are so tired of others? Let me guess. You're tired on working on the grand facade that keeps on crumbling. You are also pissed at all the women whose relationships are evidently deeper and happier than yours. I'm sorry you have to work your ass off to stay married. Not all people do. Some of us don't get hung up on extra 15 lbs, because, frankly, there is so much more to life, love, and marrige.

Can you find the point in my post where I said I had to work my ass off to be happy in my marriage? I buy healthy food when I shop, which is not working my ass off. I exercise about an hour a day which is also not working my ass off. I believe my post was saying that it's really not that hard to maintain yourself.

Also, to the PP who said to come back when I'm in my 50's, I understand that. But the post I was responding to specifically mentioned the changes women go through in their 30's, so I was specifically addressing the 30's.

[Anonymous]

my BMI is "buzz off, i'm pregnant".

[Anonymous]

Wouldn't know what my wife's BMI. Don't care, she is not skinny, not fat, just hott.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wouldn't know what my wife's BMI. Don't care, she is not skinny, not fat, just hott.

That's cute! You should show her you posted this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wouldn't know what my wife's BMI. Don't care, she is not skinny, not fat, just hott.

That's cute! You should show her you posted this.

She knows how I feel. She was on a diet and before she started losing more weight I requested a boudoir shoot, I wanted her know how beautiful she was even when she didn't always think she did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wouldn't know what my wife's BMI. Don't care, she is not skinny, not fat, just hott.

That's cute! You should show her you posted this.

She knows how I feel. She was on a diet and before she started losing more weight I requested a boudoir shoot, I wanted her know how beautiful she was even when she didn't always think she did.

Sweetheart.

Thanks for being a loving husband instead of like the asshat that started this thread.