Sister is infertile/I have 3 kids

[Anonymous]

No, I have kids. I'm not saying OP SHOULD donate eggs or be a surrogate, but I'm surprised she hasn't even thought about it at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I have kids. I'm not saying OP SHOULD donate eggs or be a surrogate, but I'm surprised she hasn't even thought about it at all.

LOOK at some of OP's posts. Are you truly surprised?

[Anonymous]

See OP's response above - "huh? why SHOULDN'T it be about me?" ... I think that says it all.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the responses so far. As far as being a surrogate goes, I feel awful at the thought of spending 40 weeks bonding with a baby and anticipating birth only to give him/her up. I couldn't do it and neither could my husband. I don't even know what I would tell my other children.

Not as awful as she feels when she can't have kids, while you have four kids.
You tell the kids the truth.

That I gave away their sibling as a peace offering to my sister? No, I'll never have that kind of conversation.

-OP

Are you dumb?
You say, that your sister is unable to grow a baby and mommy is giving her the best gift ever by helping her.
You sound evil. It wouldn't be their sibling, and it's not a peace offering.
Admit it, you love this OP.

OP doesn't want to do it. Nor should she feel an obligation to do so. No one is required to loan out her
uterus. Even if her sister is infertile.

I don't even think it crossed OP's mind to do it.

She's getting this reaction because her tone implies little empathy for her sister's situation.
Of course OP can have a 4th kid--you don't let someone else dictate your family plans.
But, if it were me, once I was done having my own children, I'd look into how I could help my sister, whether it's through egg donation or surrogacy.

It is not normal for it to cross someone's mind. I really feel for her sister, but this is not OP's problem to solve.

It's very normal that this would cross someone's mind. It would require thought as it whether it should be done. But HOW could this not cross someone's mind?

Because many women don't think of their uterus as something that is to be loaned out.

It's called helping family.
I hope my kids have a better relationship than OP and her sister.

Well, I hope my kids don't act the way her sister has. Whether one of them wants to loan out their uterus is up to the one who owns the uterus.

You don't see that OP is feeding into this competition?
She spells out in the OP, all the ways she is better than her sister. You are only hearing OP's side. I bet her sister has an interesting story to tell. OP sounds like she likes to poke her sister and is in her face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See OP's response above - "huh? why SHOULDN'T it be about me?" ... I think that says it all.

She is oblivious.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My younger sister has been struggling with infertility for about 6 years now. I have three children each two years apart.

After the birth of my second child, she had a meltdown during which she screamed at me that I always get what I want and that she would have made a better mother. She was crying and screaming in earshot of my in laws and I did not know what to do. She has always been competitive. She has begrudge me my taller height, my household income, my weight etc., but that was a new level.

I kept my distance for a long time. I was angry, hurt, and didn't want to make time for the drama. We became closer after the birth of my third child. She came unexpectedly to meet her new niece and we just went from there, although she never apologized for her outburst.

Last year, she became pregnant for the first time, but miscarried. She was devastated. I tried to be there for her, but she stopped taking my calls. My children kept asking when aunty was going to come visit.

We are back in touch again after almost a year of silence on her end. DH and I have decided to try for a fourth child. I can't help but worry about her reaction. I don't know if I should tell her we are trying, if I should wait until we succeed, wait until I show. How do I break this to her? Is it even fair that I have to worry as if I am doing something wrong?

I see a lot of me me me and very little empathy towards what your sister is going through and what she had gone through in your post. You were hurt that she yelled at you when she couldn't take it anymore, but little sympathy for why and what she is going through- would have helped. Not everyone has the grace to sit and there and be extra supportive when everything is falling down around them. She obviously tried to support you, but reached some sort of limit. She recognized that- which is why she distanced from you for a while. To recover and heal. Have you ever thought about how your life would be today if you did not have your children and could not have them? Have you ever put yourself into her shoes? Can you? Think about it and give her the space to heal and mourn and heal. Miscarriage can be very very difficult. Infertility is very very difficult. Seeing that your sister can get pregnant on a schedule when you are going through it is very very difficult. Having a sister who can't see that pain adds salt into the wounds.

Have your 4th or don't, that is your and your DH's choice.

OP here. I created this thread about my dilemma. How in the world would I not focus on my perspective in seeking advice for myself?

Part of finding solutions for "your dilemma" include having empathy for others. My god.

I'm over you, OP. You're probably the type who goes on FB five times a day saying you're "so blessed."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See OP's response above - "huh? why SHOULDN'T it be about me?" ... I think that says it all.

You are SO crazy. Go back to the infertility board and take the rest of your posse with you. Shoo!

[Anonymous]

Is this what not being able to have kids does to some people? I have never seen a thread with such nutty advice.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Don't listen to these shrews. You aren't obligated to limit your family size OR be a surrogate for anyone, family or not.

And, honestly, your sister sounds horrible. Dealing with infertility doesn't give you free and full reign to be a bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read this whole thread, so don't know if someone else suggested this, but you should read "What Alice Forgot." It's a fun beach read, but it is also one of the best depictions of what it's like to be infertile that I have ever read.

+a very sincere 1. I was having trouble getting pregnant when I read this and it made me feel like someone understood.

OP your sister is going through something horrible. You don't understand because it's been easy for you but infertility makes people insane. You feel like a failure and it's a constant and repeating cycle of hope, pain and failure, over and over. It's so grueling.

Your sister shouldn't have screamed at you (but the fact that you're more concerned about your in laws witnessing this then your sisters raw pain says something). You should have as many children as you want. You have no obligation to your sister for anything. But you seem to not even care about what she's going through. If you don't care about her suffering and you make no effort to try to help her (surrogacy, researching adoption, being generally compassionate) then you will likely (rightly) not have a relationship with her any longer.

The fact that it never even occurred to you and you have such distaste for surrogacy is what people are reacting to. If I spent a decade watching a sibling go through something painful and knew there was something I could do I would l, at least, have thought of and considered it. And the idea that you think such an unbelievably kind and generous act would be a poor lesson for your children...so weird and cold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:See OP's response above - "huh? why SHOULDN'T it be about me?" ... I think that says it all.

You are SO crazy. Go back to the infertility board and take the rest of your posse with you. Shoo!

It's a nice effort at deflection, but i'm a PP with two kids and no infertility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this what not being able to have kids does to some people? I have never seen a thread with such nutty advice.

Yes. Some infertile women are absolutely toxic. I'm convinced it has a biological effect on their reproductive success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read this whole thread, so don't know if someone else suggested this, but you should read "What Alice Forgot." It's a fun beach read, but it is also one of the best depictions of what it's like to be infertile that I have ever read.

+a very sincere 1. I was having trouble getting pregnant when I read this and it made me feel like someone understood.

OP your sister is going through something horrible. You don't understand because it's been easy for you but infertility makes people insane. You feel like a failure and it's a constant and repeating cycle of hope, pain and failure, over and over. It's so grueling.

Your sister shouldn't have screamed at you (but the fact that you're more concerned about your in laws witnessing this then your sisters raw pain says something). You should have as many children as you want. You have no obligation to your sister for anything. But you seem to not even care about what she's going through. If you don't care about her suffering and you make no effort to try to help her (surrogacy, researching adoption, being generally compassionate) then you will likely (rightly) not have a relationship with her any longer.

The fact that it never even occurred to you and you have such distaste for surrogacy is what people are reacting to. If I spent a decade watching a sibling go through something painful and knew there was something I could do I would l, at least, have thought of and considered it. And the idea that you think such an unbelievably kind and generous act would be a poor lesson for your children...so weird and cold.

+1 to all of this.

[Anonymous]

OP you should leave your sister the hell alone and continue stretching out your body and ute pushing out babies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this what not being able to have kids does to some people? I have never seen a thread with such nutty advice.

It is not nutty to ask if OP has CONSIDERED egg donation or surrogacy. At all.

Yes, there have been some crazy responses like give her your 2nd kid (I think that was in jest, well, I hope) or you're evil for having 4 kids, but the donation/surrogacy comments are valid.