Sister is infertile/I have 3 kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Giving away a child is exactly what surrogacy is. You might think that is noble, but you are still giving away a child.

mmm

Omfg, it's not. It's not like OP and her husband are going to conceive, carry a child and then give it away. Do you not know what surrogacy is??
I'm not saying she should do it, but there's a lot of people on this thread (OP included) who do not understand the concept of surrogacy.

OP is going to conceive, carry a child and then give it away. It's exactly like that.

[Anonymous]

It's pretty clear the past few negative posts about OP are by the same disturbed person. Get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty clear the past few negative posts about OP are by the same disturbed person. Get help.

Nice try, but no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is a very manipulative person who enjoys 'winning" against her sister and now gets to say "no" to a question her sister never asked. But she DOES want to announce to all and particularly her sister that she is "trying" for a fourth child.

This, I see right through OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is a very manipulative person who enjoys 'winning" against her sister and now gets to say "no" to a question her sister never asked. But she DOES want to announce to all and particularly her sister that she is "trying" for a fourth child.

This, I see right through OP.

I don't think that question even occurred to OP until some crazy person brought it up on this thread.

I thought OP was trying to balance her family's plans against her sister's known emotional issues. OP seemed thoughtful to me, while not giving in to someone else's emotional bullying.

[Anonymous]

Here's the rub.

Some are calling sister's meltdown "abuse". Really? So, if someone counts hundred dollar bills in front of someone who can't afford to eat, and that person calls the counter out for is, is it abuse?

Life is unfair. But OP telling her sister that they are "trying", fully knowing that she is fertile and conceiving is likely, is cruel beyond words. She should wait until she is pregnant, and then make it. Private discussion. Yes, infertility is sister's "problem", but something in OPs posts tells me she's the type that is sending public birthday reminders and shower invites for all 3 kids, and at every chance she can, and then bitches that sister is cold and unaccepting.

[Anonymous]

This thread is crazy! OP owes her body to someone who has screaming meltdowns and serious emotional self-regulation issues? She is supposed to limit her own fertility and family size to avoid triggering the emotional issues of another adult? No way. Who are you people that think this way? It's like the Handmaids Tale in here today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the rub.

Some are calling sister's meltdown "abuse". Really? So, if someone counts hundred dollar bills in front of someone who can't afford to eat, and that person calls the counter out for is, is it abuse?

Life is unfair. But OP telling her sister that they are "trying", fully knowing that she is fertile and conceiving is likely, is cruel beyond words. She should wait until she is pregnant, and then make it. Private discussion. Yes, infertility is sister's "problem", but something in OPs posts tells me she's the type that is sending public birthday reminders and shower invites for all 3 kids, and at every chance she can, and then bitches that sister is cold and unaccepting.

Damn,

Now OP can't send birthday reminders? Who are you people?

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all of the posts.

OP, I suspect there is more going on in your relationship with your sister than just the issue of infertility.

You say she begrudges you your height, your income, et cetera.

Usually, when a sibling resents all of that stuff, it is because on some level, as children, one sibling had it easier (and probably was the favorite).

Aside from that, you are not helping by suggesting her feelings are a result of being competitive. It sounds like you don't fully understand the struggle with infertility or the devastation of miscarriage (especially when you don't have a successful pregnancy following the miscarriage).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the rub.

Some are calling sister's meltdown "abuse". Really? So, if someone counts hundred dollar bills in front of someone who can't afford to eat, and that person calls the counter out for is, is it abuse?

Life is unfair. But OP telling her sister that they are "trying", fully knowing that she is fertile and conceiving is likely, is cruel beyond words. She should wait until she is pregnant, and then make it. Private discussion. Yes, infertility is sister's "problem", but something in OPs posts tells me she's the type that is sending public birthday reminders and shower invites for all 3 kids, and at every chance she can, and then bitches that sister is cold and unaccepting.

Damn,

Now OP can't send birthday reminders? Who are you people?

You think sister does not already know exactly THe dates of her neices and nephews birthdays? Who are you people? Outlook exists. An infertile aunt needs no reminders, especially year after year. But people like you wouldn't get that, given your family unit is the center of the universe, and space and time itself.

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of orphans in this world. Help your sister adopt a beautiful child who need a set of caring parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger sister has been struggling with infertility for about 6 years now. I have three children each two years apart.

After the birth of my second child, she had a meltdown during which she screamed at me that I always get what I want and that she would have made a better mother. She was crying and screaming in earshot of my in laws and I did not know what to do. She has always been competitive. She has begrudge me my taller height, my household income, my weight etc., but that was a new level.

I kept my distance for a long time. I was angry, hurt, and didn't want to make time for the drama. We became closer after the birth of my third child. She came unexpectedly to meet her new niece and we just went from there, although she never apologized for her outburst.

Last year, she became pregnant for the first time, but miscarried. She was devastated. I tried to be there for her, but she stopped taking my calls. My children kept asking when aunty was going to come visit.

We are back in touch again after almost a year of silence on her end. DH and I have decided to try for a fourth child. I can't help but worry about her reaction. I don't know if I should tell her we are trying, if I should wait until we succeed, wait until I show. How do I break this to her? Is it even fair that I have to worry as if I am doing something wrong?

I see a lot of me me me and very little empathy towards what your sister is going through and what she had gone through in your post. You were hurt that she yelled at you when she couldn't take it anymore, but little sympathy for why and what she is going through- would have helped. Not everyone has the grace to sit and there and be extra supportive when everything is falling down around them. She obviously tried to support you, but reached some sort of limit. She recognized that- which is why she distanced from you for a while. To recover and heal. Have you ever thought about how your life would be today if you did not have your children and could not have them? Have you ever put yourself into her shoes? Can you? Think about it and give her the space to heal and mourn and heal. Miscarriage can be very very difficult. Infertility is very very difficult. Seeing that your sister can get pregnant on a schedule when you are going through it is very very difficult. Having a sister who can't see that pain adds salt into the wounds.

Have your 4th or don't, that is your and your DH's choice.

OP here. I created this thread about my dilemma. How in the world would I not focus on my perspective in seeking advice for myself?

PP is pointing out that maybe your dilemma is in part caused by your lack of empathy. How have you been there for your sister? Perhaps she freaked out because she felt like she's been an audience for you all her life and that she has been there for you through THREE pregnancies, but maybe you haven't been there for her. Maybe she feels like you don't understand and don't care to, like you just want her to suck it up and celebrate your life.

It's obvious that your sister can and has shown love for your kids, so it's not like she doesn't want to be a part of your life or their lives. Maybe she feels like you haven't tried to be a part of her life -- that you only want her in your life as an audience to share in your happiness, but you have no interest in reciprocating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the rub.

Some are calling sister's meltdown "abuse". Really? So, if someone counts hundred dollar bills in front of someone who can't afford to eat, and that person calls the counter out for is, is it abuse?

Life is unfair. But OP telling her sister that they are "trying", fully knowing that she is fertile and conceiving is likely, is cruel beyond words. She should wait until she is pregnant, and then make it. Private discussion. Yes, infertility is sister's "problem", but something in OPs posts tells me she's the type that is sending public birthday reminders and shower invites for all 3 kids, and at every chance she can, and then bitches that sister is cold and unaccepting.

Damn,

Now OP can't send birthday reminders? Who are you people?

You think sister does not already know exactly THe dates of her neices and nephews birthdays? Who are you people? Outlook exists. An infertile aunt needs no reminders, especially year after year. But people like you wouldn't get that, given your family unit is the center of the universe, and space and time itself.

+ 100000000 This exactly. This is how my sister in law is. My husband and I have had three losses, and it looks like we won't be able to have kids. Meanwhile, sister in law shows no interest in knowing us or our lives, but she is constantly sending us reminders about things for her kids -- birthdays, christmas lists, milestones. I understand sharing things about her kids, but it's reached the point of just flat out obnoxious behavior because it's obvious that she doesn't really care about us. She just wants us to be an audience for her kids. It's clear she sees her life and her family as the center of the university and sort of regards us and our lives and our interests and our experiences as completely insignificant because, you know, we don't have kids.

I've never blown up at her, but there were times when I wanted to. Instead, I go through the motions and just keep my distance. It sounds like that is what OP's sister has tried to do. She lost it once (probably because she had enough). But I highly doubt OP is innocent in this. If OP's tone suggests anything (even OP's mere suggestion that her sister, who desperately wants a child and can't have one, is just being competitive), it's that OP doesn't get it.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP of the last few posts.

I don't think OP is under any obligation to offer to be a surrogate. That's ridiculous.

I do think, however, that it is possible that OP hasn't shown enough compassion to her sister and has likely just made it all about her kids.

OP doesn't have to offer her uterus. She just has to be there for her sister, and I doubt she has done that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP of the last few posts.

I don't think OP is under any obligation to offer to be a surrogate. That's ridiculous.

I do think, however, that it is possible that OP hasn't shown enough compassion to her sister and has likely just made it all about her kids.

OP doesn't have to offer her uterus. She just has to be there for her sister, and I doubt she has done that.

1113/ 1144 here..

+1

OP need not offer her uterus, if only she could find a few inches of her heart.