Sister is infertile/I have 3 kids

[Anonymous]

You know this will end the relationship, OP. You must be okay with that, so do what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former infertile here, with a very fertile sister too.

It took me 3 years, 1 miscarriage and many failed treatments before I had my DC. My sister gets knocked up the first month she tries (twice).

I had started trying at a similar time to her for both of our first kids., It meant that watching her son get older was a very visible sign of what I was missing. I adored him, and still do, and I'd never hold that against her, but it made certain things hard. She would tell me a story of his toddler-antics sort of looking for sympathy, and I had NONE. I was dying for some toddler to throw peas all over the floor. I was dying for a baby to wake me up at night. I was dying for the crazy love a kid brings. She could have been more sensitive about that. I mostly wanted to hear how damn grateful she was to have this wonderful child in her life. Anything else could really sting me. She should have been grateful! And I know she was, she was just venting to me. I was not the person to vent to.

All that said. Your sister is out of line. It's ok for her to ask for some empathy from you, but you can not, and SHOULD not plan your life around her hurt feelings. She needs to realize your fertility (or height, wtf?) has NOTHING to do with her issues. Nothing.

While I was struggling I really threw myself into being an aunt. It was a wonderful outlet for all these super maternal feeling I wasn't able to express in other ways. I'm sorry that's not working for her, or you.

Space and time. Be gentle with her, but not a doormat. Tell her, kindly, when you are at the end of your 1st trimester with your 4th. But don't let her issues keep you from having the family you want.

Good luck.

Wonderful response.

[Anonymous]

Don't let your sister dictate how you plan your family- you'll resent her for it later, and that will only make things worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know this will end the relationship, OP. You must be okay with that, so do what you want.

Who are these poster/s who keep saying things like this!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know this will end the relationship, OP. You must be okay with that, so do what you want.

Who are these poster/s who keep saying things like this!?

The truth hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know this will end the relationship, OP. You must be okay with that, so do what you want.

Who are these poster/s who keep saying things like this!?

The truth hurts.

Np - what truth? do you even have any experience with infertility?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know this will end the relationship, OP. You must be okay with that, so do what you want.

Who are these poster/s who keep saying things like this!?

I think it must be the same person saying it over and over. I can't believe there is more than one person out there who thinks OP should plan her family around her sisters feelings. My sister doesn't have kids because she is single and waitinf to hopefully meet a partner. Does that mean I shouldn't have a third??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former infertile here, with a very fertile sister too.

It took me 3 years, 1 miscarriage and many failed treatments before I had my DC. My sister gets knocked up the first month she tries (twice).

I had started trying at a similar time to her for both of our first kids., It meant that watching her son get older was a very visible sign of what I was missing. I adored him, and still do, and I'd never hold that against her, but it made certain things hard. She would tell me a story of his toddler-antics sort of looking for sympathy, and I had NONE. I was dying for some toddler to throw peas all over the floor. I was dying for a baby to wake me up at night. I was dying for the crazy love a kid brings. She could have been more sensitive about that. I mostly wanted to hear how damn grateful she was to have this wonderful child in her life. Anything else could really sting me. She should have been grateful! And I know she was, she was just venting to me. I was not the person to vent to.

All that said. Your sister is out of line. It's ok for her to ask for some empathy from you, but you can not, and SHOULD not plan your life around her hurt feelings. She needs to realize your fertility (or height, wtf?) has NOTHING to do with her issues. Nothing.

While I was struggling I really threw myself into being an aunt. It was a wonderful outlet for all these super maternal feeling I wasn't able to express in other ways. I'm sorry that's not working for her, or you.

Space and time. Be gentle with her, but not a doormat. Tell her, kindly, when you are at the end of your 1st trimester with your 4th. But don't let her issues keep you from having the family you want.

Good luck.

That is ridiculous. By what, not talking to you about her kid? Wouldn't that have pissed you off more? And who's to say that if she had always talked about how grateful she was that you wouldn't have perceived that as rubbing it in. This is a lose-lose situation.

Go ahead and have the fourth, OP, but expect that that might be the end of your relationship with her. And the street generally goes both ways - I'm sure over the decades you've fostered the competition, only this is a long lasting source of pain. Why don't you offer to surrogate for her?

[Anonymous]

Would you consider being a surrogate for her? I am surprised you haven't offered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Former infertile here, with a very fertile sister too.

It took me 3 years, 1 miscarriage and many failed treatments before I had my DC. My sister gets knocked up the first month she tries (twice).

I had started trying at a similar time to her for both of our first kids., It meant that watching her son get older was a very visible sign of what I was missing. I adored him, and still do, and I'd never hold that against her, but it made certain things hard. She would tell me a story of his toddler-antics sort of looking for sympathy, and I had NONE. I was dying for some toddler to throw peas all over the floor. I was dying for a baby to wake me up at night. I was dying for the crazy love a kid brings. She could have been more sensitive about that. I mostly wanted to hear how damn grateful she was to have this wonderful child in her life. Anything else could really sting me. She should have been grateful! And I know she was, she was just venting to me. I was not the person to vent to.

All that said. Your sister is out of line. It's ok for her to ask for some empathy from you, but you can not, and SHOULD not plan your life around her hurt feelings. She needs to realize your fertility (or height, wtf?) has NOTHING to do with her issues. Nothing.

While I was struggling I really threw myself into being an aunt. It was a wonderful outlet for all these super maternal feeling I wasn't able to express in other ways. I'm sorry that's not working for her, or you.

Space and time. Be gentle with her, but not a doormat. Tell her, kindly, when you are at the end of your 1st trimester with your 4th. But don't let her issues keep you from having the family you want.

Good luck.

That is ridiculous. By what, not talking to you about her kid? Wouldn't that have pissed you off more? And who's to say that if she had always talked about how grateful she was that you wouldn't have perceived that as rubbing it in. This is a lose-lose situation.

Go ahead and have the fourth, OP, but expect that that might be the end of your relationship with her. And the street generally goes both ways - I'm sure over the decades you've fostered the competition, only this is a long lasting source of pain. Why don't you offer to surrogate for her?

NP: Oh, come on--you know there's an enormous difference between talking about your kid and bitching about your kid. This PP is right: her sister should have curbed the venting to her sister, given what she was going through. It's not that hard. I have a good friend who struggled with infertility for years and I tried very, very hard to be mindful of that when discussing my kids around her. You can acknowledge your children's existence AND talk about them with compassion for the listener, it's not an either-or.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Former infertile here, with a very fertile sister too.

It took me 3 years, 1 miscarriage and many failed treatments before I had my DC. My sister gets knocked up the first month she tries (twice).

I had started trying at a similar time to her for both of our first kids., It meant that watching her son get older was a very visible sign of what I was missing. I adored him, and still do, and I'd never hold that against her, but it made certain things hard. She would tell me a story of his toddler-antics sort of looking for sympathy, and I had NONE. I was dying for some toddler to throw peas all over the floor. I was dying for a baby to wake me up at night. I was dying for the crazy love a kid brings. She could have been more sensitive about that. I mostly wanted to hear how damn grateful she was to have this wonderful child in her life. Anything else could really sting me. She should have been grateful! And I know she was, she was just venting to me. I was not the person to vent to.

All that said. Your sister is out of line. It's ok for her to ask for some empathy from you, but you can not, and SHOULD not plan your life around her hurt feelings. She needs to realize your fertility (or height, wtf?) has NOTHING to do with her issues. Nothing.

While I was struggling I really threw myself into being an aunt. It was a wonderful outlet for all these super maternal feeling I wasn't able to express in other ways. I'm sorry that's not working for her, or you.

Space and time. Be gentle with her, but not a doormat. Tell her, kindly, when you are at the end of your 1st trimester with your 4th. But don't let her issues keep you from having the family you want.

Good luck.

That is ridiculous. By what, not talking to you about her kid? Wouldn't that have pissed you off more? And who's to say that if she had always talked about how grateful she was that you wouldn't have perceived that as rubbing it in. This is a lose-lose situation.

Go ahead and have the fourth, OP, but expect that that might be the end of your relationship with her. And the street generally goes both ways - I'm sure over the decades you've fostered the competition, only this is a long lasting source of pain. Why don't you offer to surrogate for her?

I loved hearing about my nephew. I did NOT love hearing her complain about him. There's a difference. Don't vent to an infertile about how difficult your toddler is. Not if you want sympathy. I had none to give her at the time. I LOVED hearing about cute, sweet things he'd do. I loved knowing how he was and learning and saying. I didn't give one shit that she wanted me to feel bad she was woken up at 5am on a weekend.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered offering to be a surrogate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you consider being a surrogate for her? I am surprised you haven't offered.

This is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you consider being a surrogate for her? I am surprised you haven't offered.

This is crazy.

Why? Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you consider being a surrogate for her? I am surprised you haven't offered.

This is crazy.

Why? Why?

Because no one has an obligation to act as a surrogate and a random person should not be surprised a sister has not offered. The expectations are nuts. It would be a lovely thing to consider, but in no way is it an obligation of the OP. At all.