Sister is infertile/I have 3 kids

[Anonymous]

My younger sister has been struggling with infertility for about 6 years now. I have three children each two years apart.

After the birth of my second child, she had a meltdown during which she screamed at me that I always get what I want and that she would have made a better mother. She was crying and screaming in earshot of my in laws and I did not know what to do. She has always been competitive. She has begrudge me my taller height, my household income, my weight etc., but that was a new level.

I kept my distance for a long time. I was angry, hurt, and didn't want to make time for the drama. We became closer after the birth of my third child. She came unexpectedly to meet her new niece and we just went from there, although she never apologized for her outburst.

Last year, she became pregnant for the first time, but miscarried. She was devastated. I tried to be there for her, but she stopped taking my calls. My children kept asking when aunty was going to come visit.

We are back in touch again after almost a year of silence on her end. DH and I have decided to try for a fourth child. I can't help but worry about her reaction. I don't know if I should tell her we are trying, if I should wait until we succeed, wait until I show. How do I break this to her? Is it even fair that I have to worry as if I am doing something wrong?

[Anonymous]

Wait until you show.
Let her choose how to proceed from there.
There's nothing you can do; she will feel what she feels.

[Anonymous]

4 kids! Sure you're not rubbing it in on purpose?

[Anonymous]

There's only one way to solve this. Give her your 4th kid. Otherwise you're just rubbing it in her face and you can kiss your relationship goodbye. Do you really need 4 kids when there is overpopulation? Or are you just doing it because you can?

[Anonymous]

Really, OP? Why do you need 4 kids?

What have you done for her lately? You sound selfish. A really crummy big sister.

[Anonymous]

Ignore PPs, they're just being ridiculous.

Your sister has every right to her disappointment and anger. The fact that you had to hear it is unfortunate, but you have to stop taking it personally. It's not about you. It's about her and her losses.

Have another kid. Have 50 kids. That isn't about her -- and it's up to her to learn not to take it personally.

Your relationship, however, is about both of you. Do your part to mend it, and hope that she will do the same. Sisters are important.

[Anonymous]

I sort of think you should offer to surrogate for her. Would you consider it? Seems you really love pregnancy. I'm not trying to be snarky. Maybe after the 4th you could put that out there. Or before the 4th.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore PPs, they're just being ridiculous.

Your sister has every right to her disappointment and anger. The fact that you had to hear it is unfortunate, but you have to stop taking it personally. It's not about you. It's about her and her losses.

Have another kid. Have 50 kids. That isn't about her -- and it's up to her to learn not to take it personally.

Your relationship, however, is about both of you. Do your part to mend it, and hope that she will do the same. Sisters are important.

She can't mend this rift. Every time her sister looks at her nieces and nephews, she'll resent OP. You either try for a fourth or you have a relationship with your sister, not both. Remember, "sisters are important."

[Anonymous]

Former infertile here, with a very fertile sister too.

It took me 3 years, 1 miscarriage and many failed treatments before I had my DC. My sister gets knocked up the first month she tries (twice).

I had started trying at a similar time to her for both of our first kids., It meant that watching her son get older was a very visible sign of what I was missing. I adored him, and still do, and I'd never hold that against her, but it made certain things hard. She would tell me a story of his toddler-antics sort of looking for sympathy, and I had NONE. I was dying for some toddler to throw peas all over the floor. I was dying for a baby to wake me up at night. I was dying for the crazy love a kid brings. She could have been more sensitive about that. I mostly wanted to hear how damn grateful she was to have this wonderful child in her life. Anything else could really sting me. She should have been grateful! And I know she was, she was just venting to me. I was not the person to vent to.

All that said. Your sister is out of line. It's ok for her to ask for some empathy from you, but you can not, and SHOULD not plan your life around her hurt feelings. She needs to realize your fertility (or height, wtf?) has NOTHING to do with her issues. Nothing.

While I was struggling I really threw myself into being an aunt. It was a wonderful outlet for all these super maternal feeling I wasn't able to express in other ways. I'm sorry that's not working for her, or you.

Space and time. Be gentle with her, but not a doormat. Tell her, kindly, when you are at the end of your 1st trimester with your 4th. But don't let her issues keep you from having the family you want.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I would wait until a little later, maybe 20 weeks or so, until you tell her (unless you are going to see her before hand) then tell her in an email. This will give her time to process/react in private.

I would also try to be respectful of her pain, rather than view it as just her being competitive. Although there might be some of that mixed in, try to instead just remember that this is a struggle she never thought she would have (most likely) and that as much as she loves your children, it also reminds her of everything she thought her life would be. Little things, like sending holiday cards that don't feature a picture of the 5 (or 6) of you on the front, spending one on one time with her, or getting a sitter and having couples nights, so that your relationship does not just revolve around your children, even watching your topic of conversation so that you are not always referencing your children, will likely help. I don't mean to sound like you do not recognize your sister's pain, but sometimes it is easy to forget how much we speak out children and their activities, accomplishments, etc.

I am sure your sister hurt you deeply, but she was also probably speaking from a place of tremendous frustration, confusion and hurt.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is jealous. You know it, she knows it. Great for you if you decide to have a fourth kid, but tell her until you're showing. Don't be dramatic, just live your life.
She will need to get over her issues and most of them have nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore PPs, they're just being ridiculous.

Your sister has every right to her disappointment and anger. The fact that you had to hear it is unfortunate, but you have to stop taking it personally. It's not about you. It's about her and her losses.

Have another kid. Have 50 kids. That isn't about her -- and it's up to her to learn not to take it personally.

Your relationship, however, is about both of you. Do your part to mend it, and hope that she will do the same. Sisters are important.

+1. She isn't acting appropriately, but try not to take it personally.

[Anonymous]

I think the PPs who are questioning your desire to have a 4th child is ridiculous. It's your life, you only have one life, and if you and your family want to have another child, you should definitely go for it.

[Anonymous]

Wtf is with people saying OP shouldn't have another baby? That is crazy.

OP, I would tell her before you start to break the news, so she doesn't hear it from someone else. I imagine that would probably really hurt your relationship. You know her better than we do so you can better decide how to tell her. Maybe tell her in a way so she can process the information, maybe a text or email sent when she isn't at work so she can read and react to the news privately? And try not to complain about pregnancy etc in front of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister is jealous. You know it, she knows it. Great for you if you decide to have a fourth kid, but tell her until you're showing. Don't be dramatic, just live your life.
She will need to get over her issues and most of them have nothing to do with you.

+1. You do you, OP. If that means going for a fourth child, then go for it. You can't live your life to make other people happy. Infertility is super hard and emotional, but it's not your job to delay your family plans or not go forward on having another kid in order to appease your sister. Just don't rub the pregnancy in her face (doesn't sound like you're doing that anyway) and you will be fine.