Lack of Sex starting to cause issues/fights

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a DW who lost libido after a baby. I didn't mean to, it's just hard when I'm so tired and the baby is chewing on my nips all day long. And honestly, if I offered my DH "duty sex" as you put it and he turned me down, I would understand, but sometimes that's all I can manage. It comes from a loving place! If he tried to do sexual things that he knows I don't like, and also complained about duty sex or how I approached him, it would really irritate me.

If you know your wife doesn't like something, don't do it to her, FFS.

+1
This guy is so goddam dense.

No, you morons are seriously reading-comprehension-challenged, or you just didn't bother to read my very first post.

The entire premise here from the beginning is that I am not the one pushing having sex. I responded to you with some sarcasm/snark because I thought that might tip you off that you needed to rethink it.

I'm fine with not having sex. I'm not pushing for sex. This is making my wife even more anxious and insecure - that is the problem. God you are clueless. Learn to (bother to) read...whichever applies.

Oh please. You are obviously not fine with not having sex. You are the one who said the problem is that your sex life is dead! If a nice card = trying to give her oral WHICH YOU KNOW SHE DOESN'T LIKE, then yes, you are pushing for sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So STOP DOING IT! Stop acting weird about this and passive aggressive. Tell her that she doesnt have anything to worry about, that you love her.

Nobody is being weird and passive-aggressive.

I am asking about this here precisely because for the past couple of months - longer really - I've tried doing exactly what you suggest: "stop doing it". It's not working. It's making things worse.

I have explained that I love her and that I'm not looking around and that I'm fine with the status quo.

Anonymous wrote:I noticed you completely skipped over the question about whether you do nonsexual affection- guessing that's a big fat NO.

Nope, I addressed that as well, multiple times, in previous replies. Clearly you didn't read those either.

I realize it was important to you to jump in at the end and scold me for something I never said I was doing because you projected your own life onto the subject line, and now that you've done that, I get it: you wish your husband would get a clue and leave you alone, especially about sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So STOP DOING IT! Stop acting weird about this and passive aggressive. Tell her that she doesnt have anything to worry about, that you love her.

Nobody is being weird and passive-aggressive.

I am asking about this here precisely because for the past couple of months - longer really - I've tried doing exactly what you suggest: "stop doing it". It's not working. It's making things worse.

I have explained that I love her and that I'm not looking around and that I'm fine with the status quo.

Anonymous wrote:I noticed you completely skipped over the question about whether you do nonsexual affection- guessing that's a big fat NO.

Nope, I addressed that as well, multiple times, in previous replies. Clearly you didn't read those either.

I realize it was important to you to jump in at the end and scold me for something I never said I was doing because you projected your own life onto the subject line, and now that you've done that, I get it: you wish your husband would get a clue and leave you alone, especially about sex.

Actually, nothing about what you said applies to me. Thank God I have never been and would never be married to a man as socially disabled as yourself.

Take a hint and stop trying to pressure her into oral. I dont believe for a second you adequately conveyed that you don't care about not having sex. Just as you've whined about it on here I'm sure you let it be known to her exactly how you feel.

Your "poor me" act is fooling no one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she still breastfeeding, OP? I know the bf'ing zealots will swoop down to scream at me that bf'ing, in addition to it's innumerable other wonders, is The Biggest Aphrodisiac EVER! But in my experience, it was just not so. With both of my kids, sex was painful until I weaned (something to do with estrogen levels and natural lubrication). I just also did not feel like sex at ALL, EVER, and I'm very healthy gal with a very cute husband. I never had a minute of low drive until I was postpartum. It's a long, tough process getting back to normal, which you already know, and that weight is hard to lose. Have an honest conversation with her, maybe ask her to see her OB/GYN, and maybe also couples therapy if things don't improve once she's weaned and once her dieting efforts start to pay off. I've been there. It just takes time and weight loss. I'm sorry I have no magic bullet.

+1. Breastfeeding killed it for me too. It was just too much for my body to have sex, on top of doing the work of lactation, and the time-suck of breastfeeding. And it was hard to exercise because I couldn't find a comfortable sports bra.

At 8 months, the baby should be getting on to more solid food, maybe that will help a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uh, yeah.

This is pretty easy.

Sounds like she doesn't really want to have sex either, but she's afraid you are going to lose interest.

Sit her down, and be like, I just want you to know, it truly does not bother me that we aren't having sex. Take all the time you need to feel better. Don't worry about it anymore.


That will solve it.

I think this is the case: she isn't really into having sex either. And I completely get that it's painful (I would not have guessed this as it was a c-section, but I've learned a lot about that since and apparently it's not uncommon in that case either).

I've tried the sitting down and talking twice, but I can try it again. I don't particularly like "ignoring" the issue because I just think it's not great for things like this to fester.

I'll go read some about post-partum anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PIV hurts... have you tried other forms of gratification, does she have a v-brator?

I enjoy giving oral...she is too self-conscious to let me to this. I enjoy it enough that it helps me get aroused/cranked up, so I wish I could do this first. We do have bullets and other things. The problem is that my attempts at foreplay, etc, have been rejected, and I'm basically not getting aroused either. It's like having ED. I do not have ED - I have incredible morning wood - the equipment itself is in top working order.

No offense but let her use the v-brator with out you and ask her how that went.
Then v-brator with you watching.
Then maybe you can join.

So this is not really about you, we know your parts work, her parts are not working. You can't "wish them" or "entice" them to work better, she needs to go back to 1st base (with herself) and get things going. Take the kids to the park next Sunday afternoon, alone time and a nap would be what I would want to get things going again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she still breastfeeding, OP? I know the bf'ing zealots will swoop down to scream at me that bf'ing, in addition to it's innumerable other wonders, is The Biggest Aphrodisiac EVER! But in my experience, it was just not so. With both of my kids, sex was painful until I weaned (something to do with estrogen levels and natural lubrication). I just also did not feel like sex at ALL, EVER, and I'm very healthy gal with a very cute husband. I never had a minute of low drive until I was postpartum. It's a long, tough process getting back to normal, which you already know, and that weight is hard to lose. Have an honest conversation with her, maybe ask her to see her OB/GYN, and maybe also couples therapy if things don't improve once she's weaned and once her dieting efforts start to pay off. I've been there. It just takes time and weight loss. I'm sorry I have no magic bullet.

+1. Breastfeeding killed it for me too. It was just too much for my body to have sex, on top of doing the work of lactation, and the time-suck of breastfeeding. And it was hard to exercise because I couldn't find a comfortable sports bra.

At 8 months, the baby should be getting on to more solid food, maybe that will help a bit.

BF has been over for a few months.

And, broken record here: I really am OK with us not having sex. I'm not the person bringing up trying to have sex. I do marvel at the ability of strangers to read my mind over teh webs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lack of sex starting to cause issues/fights?

More like too many unattractive, bad habits to want to have sex w/you.

#1
Poor wife, she finally has the child she wants but stuck with this problem. He has 2 hands and should leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she still breastfeeding, OP? I know the bf'ing zealots will swoop down to scream at me that bf'ing, in addition to it's innumerable other wonders, is The Biggest Aphrodisiac EVER! But in my experience, it was just not so. With both of my kids, sex was painful until I weaned (something to do with estrogen levels and natural lubrication). I just also did not feel like sex at ALL, EVER, and I'm very healthy gal with a very cute husband. I never had a minute of low drive until I was postpartum. It's a long, tough process getting back to normal, which you already know, and that weight is hard to lose. Have an honest conversation with her, maybe ask her to see her OB/GYN, and maybe also couples therapy if things don't improve once she's weaned and once her dieting efforts start to pay off. I've been there. It just takes time and weight loss. I'm sorry I have no magic bullet.

+1. Breastfeeding killed it for me too. It was just too much for my body to have sex, on top of doing the work of lactation, and the time-suck of breastfeeding. And it was hard to exercise because I couldn't find a comfortable sports bra.

At 8 months, the baby should be getting on to more solid food, maybe that will help a bit.

BF has been over for a few months.

And, broken record here: I really am OK with us not having sex. I'm not the person bringing up trying to have sex. I do marvel at the ability of strangers to read my mind over teh webs.

Don't sweat it, OP. There are a few posters who really, really want to give you their stock responses and get really mad if you have the temerity to suggest that they simply don't apply in this case. You must be lying, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lack of sex starting to cause issues/fights?

More like too many unattractive, bad habits to want to have sex w/you.

#1
Poor wife, she finally has the child she wants but stuck with this problem. He has 2 hands and should leave her alone.

+2.

I find the lack of self awareness on his part particularly amusing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lack of sex starting to cause issues/fights?

More like too many unattractive, bad habits to want to have sex w/you.

#1
Poor wife, she finally has the child she wants but stuck with this problem. He has 2 hands and should leave her alone.

[slow clap] -- You didn't read the part where DW was the one who was mad because OP didn't want to have sex with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lack of sex starting to cause issues/fights?

More like too many unattractive, bad habits to want to have sex w/you.

#1
Poor wife, she finally has the child she wants but stuck with this problem. He has 2 hands and should leave her alone.

[slow clap] -- You didn't read the part where DW was the one who was mad because OP didn't want to have sex with her?

You must not read the parts where OP continuously changes his story, deflects, and gets extremely angry when posters call him out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP - Man here, was in a very similar situation. My wife was also very low libido, never wanted to have sex, but also got suspicious if I stopped trying to initiate. So I get it, completely, and I also get the fact that you would rather not attempt sex if that advance will be rejected or met with the starfish routine.

What helped was for me to focus on me and not on her. I made extra efforts to go to the gym. It helped burn off the stress and sexual frustration, but it also helped me feel better about myself to heal the sting of rejection. I also tried to keep somewhat busy in the evenings after the kids went to bed - either joining a sports league, or going to client events, etc. Nothing worse than sitting on the couch next to your wife when you could be having sex but she doesn't want to.

We also had a few of the conversations. Yes, the ones where I stated I was unhappy, and she stated she felt like a failure of a wife. I don't know that those conversations helped our sex life, but they helped air out our feelings and also set expectations. The one big difference between my wife and yours - my wife would offer to let me have sex with her, "but don't expect me to be into it." I eventually accepted this was her way of trying to meet me in the middle, and sometimes accepting her offer of a one-sided quickie helped both of us feel connected.

Also, and here I will join you in the fire - I had a couple of short term affairs. One almost blew up. If you succumb to the temptation, make sure you don't affair with someone who is likely to blow up your world. Because.....

It can and usually does get better. For us, it got better when the youngest hit school full time. Still not great but way way better, we have sex now on a normal frequency, she is into it, and she is her old, flirtatious, playful self again. Our marriage is going great.

TL;DR - hang in there, and do what you need to do to stay sane and be a good dad and husband. This too shall pass.

I'm glad your relationship with your wife is better, but you'd better hope to god she never finds out about your affairs. Or does she already know and has forgiven you? I understand people get frustrated in their marriages, but having an affair seems like the opposite of trying to fix it.

He's a scrumbag, no justifying doing that. I hope his wife finds a real partner someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP - Man here, was in a very similar situation. My wife was also very low libido, never wanted to have sex, but also got suspicious if I stopped trying to initiate. So I get it, completely, and I also get the fact that you would rather not attempt sex if that advance will be rejected or met with the starfish routine.

What helped was for me to focus on me and not on her. I made extra efforts to go to the gym. It helped burn off the stress and sexual frustration, but it also helped me feel better about myself to heal the sting of rejection. I also tried to keep somewhat busy in the evenings after the kids went to bed - either joining a sports league, or going to client events, etc. Nothing worse than sitting on the couch next to your wife when you could be having sex but she doesn't want to.

We also had a few of the conversations. Yes, the ones where I stated I was unhappy, and she stated she felt like a failure of a wife. I don't know that those conversations helped our sex life, but they helped air out our feelings and also set expectations. The one big difference between my wife and yours - my wife would offer to let me have sex with her, "but don't expect me to be into it." I eventually accepted this was her way of trying to meet me in the middle, and sometimes accepting her offer of a one-sided quickie helped both of us feel connected.

Also, and here I will join you in the fire - I had a couple of short term affairs. One almost blew up. If you succumb to the temptation, make sure you don't affair with someone who is likely to blow up your world. Because.....

It can and usually does get better. For us, it got better when the youngest hit school full time. Still not great but way way better, we have sex now on a normal frequency, she is into it, and she is her old, flirtatious, playful self again. Our marriage is going great.

TL;DR - hang in there, and do what you need to do to stay sane and be a good dad and husband. This too shall pass.

My SO and I have one-sided quickies when my libido tanks. We call them halfsies! Plenty of lube during and lots of snuggling after = less unpleasant than it sounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you guys talk about it laying all your cards on the table - or is it something she will get very upset about?

Probably. She will get very upset, but we can talk. We've actually talked a couple of times. She has been very upset, and I've explained that I don't really feel desired, but that it's more that she fears that if she doesn't give me duty sex, I'll go looking elsewhere. I've explained that I don't really want duty sex.

Anonymous wrote:And no, OP, that is not what having children does to a marriage.

My comment was a pre-emptive 'response' to the chorus who would read this (and many have!) as me wanting and not getting sex, and then telling me to "just deal". I've read quite a few threads here on this topic, and I know that for many people having a baby isn't a sex-life killer. I also know that's the stock response from a majority; I wouldn't have posted except that I don't think I can recall a similar permutation of this problem.

Anonymous wrote:In fact, I was chafing at the 6 week no sex prohibition and giving to/getting from DH various other forms of sexual gratification a couple of weeks after the births.

My libido/desire would be substantially higher if my wife would do something as simple as giving me a handjob - even just to get us started.

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is clearly insecure about her body though and your feelings about it bear her insecurity out, that's the real problem. This is where I recommend lying. Yes, telling her that you find her attractive, desirable blah blah blah until it helps her with her insecurity and turns her into a sex-initiating person (which you indicated you'd like even with the extra weight). Unless she's the kind of woman who never initiated even before, in which case...therapy for her? Maybe? Because what you have right now is not an acceptable status quo nor a happy marriage.

So, this kind of gets to the nub of it. DW did initiate once...back when we first were dating. In fact, I wasn't even ready to jump to sex (3rd date) and was thinking to take things slowly. Now she does nothing at all. But she has expressed a couple of times how upset she is that I'm not initiating.

I absolutely lie in this case, and I don't feel even slightly bad about it. I know she is very sensitive about her weight and saying something would really only be hitting her where I know she has a weak spot. I just cannot imagine being hurtful that way. And if she were even sexually responsive person - never mind initiating - I'd be much happier. I just feel like I'm living in a world of circular reasoning with an impossible task...and I've reacted so far by not playing: just waiting it out, but now the frequency of comments about cheating and lack of sex is steadily increasing. It's leaking into trying to have conversations about making simple plans for what to do on a Saturday.

Doesn't matter what the issue is, cheaters will make any excuse to justify their behavior. They are basically abusers, always blame the victim. Cheating excuses I've heard: He doesn't help around the house, she doesn't give me sex, he put his kids and mil first. On and on it goes. No excuse, and if a spouse cheats you should promptly get a lawyer, and get tested.