Is "making dinner" part of your SAHM job description?

[Anonymous]

Yup, op here. Lots of people saying it only takes 10-30 min to get dinner on the table. Since DH doesn't do bedtime and actually enjoys cooking, and gets home at a reasonable hour, it would make perfect sense to me that I take DS upstairs for bath and bed time while he gets dinner in the table.

Ok, fine. But why didn't you sit down and have that discussion with your husband ahead of time instead of just telling him there was nothing for dinner when he got home and then having him go to the grocery store? You seem immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here again, I agree with y'all on healthy family dinners and modeling for DS and all that good stuff. I was thinking that would all time nicely with our son starting a few hours of pre-school. Still really appreciating all the great suggestions!

No, the modeling starts now. You should be eating meals (even if just mini meals) with him, he should be eating what you eat, so he can see that people eat real, healthy, nutritious food, that healthy food taste good and people enjoy eating it. By the time your son is ready for preschool (2.5 -3 years old at the earliest) those food prejudices many times have already been formed. The power struggles have already started. I see TONS of kids at that age who won't touch any vegetable or a fruit, who only eat white flour (pasta with butter or rice or grill cheese, etc) the parents claim they are powerless. And then these "phases" last and last and you have a picky kindergartner who turns into a picky 5th grader who turns into a picky high schooler, etc. Don't set yourself up and your child to fail over your own marital power struggle re who is right and who is wrong for making dinner. Show your child, from the beginning, that we respect our bodies by giving it the good food we need, that mommy is important because she also takes care of her health this way, that trying new foods is fun, that eating meals together is fun, etc. Kids are watching and absorbing, even at your DS's young age.

Do you want to be "right" or do you want your family and home to be happy?

Thanks pp, not sure what more I can do about this. I sit and eat all meals with my child. All meals for him include a grain, a protein, a veggie, and a fruit. He eats 4x per day, I only eat 3x per day, but when he's eating, I am right there. We have conversations, talk about what is on the plate, etc. I don't really call that "cooking" but my priority is that he gets healthy and varied meals. He eats before DH gets home though, so I'm the rep for the family dinner. I follow the advice that your "phone should b off the hook" during mealtimes, and it is so. DS always sits with me in his booster seat thingy at the table. I'm never doing housework while he eats, and I don't feed him while he's playing or on the floor etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The biggest fucking scam that men have gotten away with is "men take care of the outside and the maintenance and the cars". First of all, none of us are living on major acreage. People with big yards end up outsourcing, and most of us in the region are on postage stamp lots, or condos or townhouses. Unless you are into mega-landscaping, the outside is nbd. No 100k+ families I know are out there on ladders cleaning gutters. "Maintenance?" Lol- my DH isn't under the sink or in the electric panel or tiling the bathroom. My favorite is the "car maintenance". I LOVE doing the car "maintenance". I take it to Acura a few times a year and sit in their nice waiting room drinking coffee and playing on my phone. There was probably a time where all of this was hard work, when owe actually did this stuff, but it's been so pared down and outsourcing this stuff is the norm while us ladies are still trying not to feel guilty about hiring a cleaning lady. All that's left for the guys is taking out the trash (while u run around the house and round it all up and bag it up and put it in the can". And trash is only once a week!!

Well, in my 100k+ household, my husband does most of the work on our cars unless it is very complex, does all of the lawn care on our just under one acre property, and just re-tiled the shower earlier this week. He does the gutters too. He outsources very little and so do I. It's just way cheaper and frees up money for other things that we deem important. We split child care responsibilities. But I get home at 4 pm so I make dinner. I'm there. I love my husband, I love family dinner and I like to eat too.

OP, you and your husband need to sit down and talk about dividing responsibilities. It seems like your vision of SAH doesn't mesh with his and you all need to figure out what you are going to do about it. In my personal opinion though, SAH does not mean you are solely the nanny.

[Anonymous]

I made dinner most nights as a SAHM and still do as a WOHM. As a SAHM, I saw my job as caring for my kids and the household and meal planning/groceries/cooking is part of that. One of the reasons for that is because as a SAHM, I felt an obligation to do what I could to save money and if I wasn't planning/cooking we would have ended up eating a lot of take out and that gets expensive. A stupid waste of money and not healthy. When I went back to work DH and I talked about how to divide up the work. We opted for a schedule where I go in early so he handles the kids in the a.m. including packing lunches and getting them to school while I do the pick-up and make dinner as he gets home later. He does the grocery shopping on the weekends after I plan what I'm cooking that week, although I occasionally pick something up midweek.

That said, I do know SAHMs who don't' cook dinner because their DH likes to cook and gets home early enough to make that happen. The main thing is to figure out what works for your family and make sure your family is eating healthfully and modeling good habits for your child. Eating together is an important family bonding ritual. It's not about "catering to what DH likes" but being respectful and loving with each other. Since I plan our meals, yes, they are things I like but I also add things into the rotation that DH likes but wouldn't otherwise be on my list (sloppy joes, brussel sprouts). I do the same for my kids. Eating "whatever is around" is fine when you are single but that feels like a soul-less way to live in a family IMO.

It sounds like OP's husband's schedule is inconsistent -- home some evenings, not others, etc. If I were her, I'd plan to sit down with DH on the weekend to review the schedule for the week -- when will you eat dinner together, what would you both like to eat, what food would he like to have available to make something quick for himself. Plan the grocery list from that and decide who is going to do the grocery shopping. Or order if from Peapod if you both hate grocery shopping. Regardless, you need to move from a "I feed me" mentality to embrace being part of a family.

And, if you can't find time to cook a simple meal while home caring for one toddler then you need to review how you are spending your time. I had two babies 16 mos apart in age and still cooked most nights. Meals were simple, but it really is not that hard.

[Anonymous]

Many people equate "love" with "food" So would not want to give that up. Also "healthy" with food -- again I would like to offer that for my family. So I cook. We do have baked potatoes on nights when we are busy. But I do not set up a "bar". They can get what they want. Set expectations of doing for yourself now with your son. many meals only take 30-35 mins to prepare. It seems to me part of the SAHM job.

[Anonymous]

Why is it shitty though? We are both working all day. We start our days at the same time, around 6 am. Except his job involves going to the office. My job involves the work of caring for the child (and prepping 4 meals a day for him btw). When we were both working at an office -a mere 11 months ago-there wasn't the expectation that I make meals 5x per week. We both just managed-went out, grabbed something on the way home, each of cooked when we felt like etc. but now that my "workplace" is in the house I am in charge of dinner every night...

Start training your child that he has specific "snacks" at a specific time. Also as time goes on and they eat more, getting take out every night gets very expensive, And its not so healthy.

[Anonymous]

To the people saying it is not that hard to make dinner, if it is not that hard, how come it is the end of the world/OP doesn't love her husband/it's time for divorce if the DH has to actually, gasp, be in charge of dinners! It doesn't appear that he is helping with childcare, laundry, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DH is disappointed that I don't cook dinner as part of the SAH gig. I hate meal planning and cooking. DS is 12 mos. He eats simple, decinstructed meals. I eat whatever is around. Cheese and crackers for lunch if I want. I have no expectation that DH produce dinner for me. I didn't have that expectation when we were both working, either. I don't have a bunch of school-aged kids where we all need to sit around as a family. I really hate this expectation that I'm supposed to prepare food for a grown man now that my job is raising our child. I was thinking of cooking tonight-we have this bag of potatos on the counter. If it were just me, I'd have a baked potato and a Diet Coke. But since I'm cooking for a "family" I have to produce something more ambitious - a baked potato "bar" or whatever. No thanks. I'm want to cook what I want to eat and not cater to what DH likes. Today he came home and asked what I made-I told him "nothing", and he went to the grocery store after working all day, and I don't really care.

Your job is running the household. I'm not sure where you got this idea that staying home meant you're essentially a nanny. The job description is a lot more comprehensive than just child care.

See, that's interesting to me pp. I think my job is to care for our child and his needs during the week, and running the household is our shared responsibility, as is taking care of our child on the weekends. To the other pp, I'm not a shitty mom, I'm actually an amazing mom! I agree it's not "hard"- my office job wasn't "hard" either...I was good at it and enjoyed it. I'm good at taking care of our son and enjoy that too! It's not "hard" work, but it is time consuming work that requires a lot of my energy and attention. (I have to be honest, I spent the day yesterday with a mom of two kids under three and that seems like HARD work!)

Good grief! Spoiling your child rotten sounds like what you are doing. Our nanny did the laundry and cooked for the kids also. What do you do with your 12 month old all day? Stare into his eyes and ask him what he wants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DH is disappointed that I don't cook dinner as part of the SAH gig. I hate meal planning and cooking. DS is 12 mos. He eats simple, decinstructed meals. I eat whatever is around. Cheese and crackers for lunch if I want. I have no expectation that DH produce dinner for me. I didn't have that expectation when we were both working, either. I don't have a bunch of school-aged kids where we all need to sit around as a family. I really hate this expectation that I'm supposed to prepare food for a grown man now that my job is raising our child. I was thinking of cooking tonight-we have this bag of potatos on the counter. If it were just me, I'd have a baked potato and a Diet Coke. But since I'm cooking for a "family" I have to produce something more ambitious - a baked potato "bar" or whatever. No thanks. I'm want to cook what I want to eat and not cater to what DH likes. Today he came home and asked what I made-I told him "nothing", and he went to the grocery store after working all day, and I don't really care.

Your job is running the household. I'm not sure where you got this idea that staying home meant you're essentially a nanny. The job description is a lot more comprehensive than just child care.

See, that's interesting to me pp. I think my job is to care for our child and his needs during the week, and running the household is our shared responsibility, as is taking care of our child on the weekends. To the other pp, I'm not a shitty mom, I'm actually an amazing mom! I agree it's not "hard"- my office job wasn't "hard" either...I was good at it and enjoyed it. I'm good at taking care of our son and enjoy that too! It's not "hard" work, but it is time consuming work that requires a lot of my energy and attention. (I have to be honest, I spent the day yesterday with a mom of two kids under three and that seems like HARD work!)

Good grief! Spoiling your child rotten sounds like what you are doing. Our nanny did the laundry and cooked for the kids also. What do you do with your 12 month old all day? Stare into his eyes and ask him what he wants?

I don't spoil him at all! We have a pretty solid routine down, and our days are filled with enriching and engaging activities. Your nanny didn't plan and cook your dinner, so I don't really get the point of your post except to be nasty!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"What's your damage, Heather?" Yes, most stay at home moms cook dinner for the family. I don't say this to be rude, but if you ate healthier than a diet Coke and baked potato you might have more energy.

Why not eat your cheese and crackers for lunch but then make a balanced, nutritious meal for yourself and your husband so you can reconnect after being apart all day? It's really shitty that after being "on" at work all day he turned around and had to go to the grocery store.

This. If I were your husband, I'd flip out. If you don't like sahm, go back to work & get a nanny who does meal prep.

This. I am a husband, with a SAHW/M, and it pisses me off when there is no dinner when I get home. It takes what, 30 minutes to prepare a basic dinner? I've made dinner of the kids and me plenty of times when my wife is travelling and it isn't that big a deal to throw something together. I bet you spend more time than that each day on DCUM. Carry your weight. I would have much more sympathy if you had three school-aged kids and you spent your afternoon driving around MoCo taking kids to different school events, or something similar, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I get the sense you are using dinner as a proxy to fight other battles and address other issues in your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the people saying it is not that hard to make dinner, if it is not that hard, how come it is the end of the world/OP doesn't love her husband/it's time for divorce if the DH has to actually, gasp, be in charge of dinners! It doesn't appear that he is helping with childcare, laundry, etc.

If they - together - decide that DH is handling dinner then sure, that's fine. What they have is not a cooking problem but a communication problem, both operating with unstated expectations of each other. OP seems to want to focus on her child and continue the marriage as separate individuals living in the same house which seems to be what they did pre-kids. DH seems to have thought that life is changing to a more traditional family (maybe? not sure since no one is saying what they want).

Sure some DH's with SAHMs cook dinner because that's what works in their family. But they need to TALK about it. Most SAHMs do cook dinner since they obviously have to prep something for the child(ren) to eat. Ideally you are making real food for everyone not preparing some "kid" food for the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think more broadly about the example you're setting for your child here. You're showing him that marriage isn't about working together, trying to be good to each other, etc., it's about staking out what you want to be responsible for and then refusing to go outside of it for the benefit of your marriage or your household. That's not really a recipe for a healthy relationship.

I get what you are saying, but in fact I am not comfortable with a model for my son where he seems mom doing all of the cooking and cleaning from morning until night, and runs the household, and her job is 24/7 while dad is off the clock once he gets in the door. I do all the cleaning-I have a really nicely kept house. Our sink doesn't have dirty dishes in it, our counters aren't sticky, our floors are swept, we always have clean clothes, our bathroom towels are always fresh, our cars are tidy, DS's toys are nicely kept and rotated, our bills are paid and paperwork is in order, our taxes are filed, etc. Before we had a kid, DH would go out for a breakfast burrito on Saturday, while I spent an hour on cleaning. I'm not resentful, I love having a nice guest-ready house, and so does DH. We often have guests over. But aside from cooking, I pretty much do everything, and I actually think DS should see dad doing some household stuff as well. DH isn't a natural cleaner-upper, so I don't think he's going to all of a sudden pitch in more on that front.

1. You definitely need to discuss division of labor.
2. If you wind up divorced I will marry you in an instant. Seriously. I love to cook and tidy so we make a perfect couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"What's your damage, Heather?" Yes, most stay at home moms cook dinner for the family. I don't say this to be rude, but if you ate healthier than a diet Coke and baked potato you might have more energy.

Why not eat your cheese and crackers for lunch but then make a balanced, nutritious meal for yourself and your husband so you can reconnect after being apart all day? It's really shitty that after being "on" at work all day he turned around and had to go to the grocery store.

This. If I were your husband, I'd flip out. If you don't like sahm, go back to work & get a nanny who does meal prep.

This. I am a husband, with a SAHW/M, and it pisses me off when there is no dinner when I get home. It takes what, 30 minutes to prepare a basic dinner? I've made dinner of the kids and me plenty of times when my wife is travelling and it isn't that big a deal to throw something together. I bet you spend more time than that each day on DCUM. Carry your weight. I would have much more sympathy if you had three school-aged kids and you spent your afternoon driving around MoCo taking kids to different school events, or something similar, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I get the sense you are using dinner as a proxy to fight other battles and address other issues in your relationship.

Thanks for the perspective-(btw it is the middle of the night where I am so DS is asleep hence why I'm replying to a lot of posts). Anyway my question to you would be-if it is so easy to prepare dinner, why don't you do it? I'm not trying to be rude- just seems like people are posting that it is no big thing to make dinner, but I actually think it is a lot of work to meal plan, shop, cook, and clean. So that, in addition to all the stuff that has to happen to raise kids, seems to me like it should be on both parents, not just the SAH parent. So if it is really easy to do, how come you are so upset and why don't you just do it?

[Anonymous]

My DH makes more in an hour than I could make in a week. so, yes, he gets to not do some jobs in the home.

[Anonymous]

You need to make something, sometimes - a couple of days a week at least, and then have leftovers or "deconstructed" meals the other night. Get takeout or order pizza the other couple of nights. Bottom line: produce food that is not a potato and a Diet Coke.

If you hate cooking, keep it simple - taco night, baked chicken and salad, etc. You're just being lazy and he shouldn't have to go to the store just because you hate it and don't mind sticking it to him. You're wrong and you're not holding up your end. As another PP said, it isn't a dinner party and nothing elaborate is required, but food in the house and one or two hot items a few days of the week isn't a lot to ask.