Parent subsidizing my sib big time but not me. Would you be ticked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op- seriously, you work in BigLaw and make an HHI of $400k. That is a ton of money, I don't care what your child care expenses are.
You are going to begrudge your sister getting back on her feet and your parents giving her $50k?
Wow, just wow.

Yup. Unless you are paying your nanny in diamonds, how are you not able to save for a down payment with a HHI of $400k?!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My sis and I are on different paths. She coasted for a while after college, worked for years at a movie theater, lived at home for free or nearly free, etc. Substantial drug use. But she now has an office gig making around 50k. She is 30, engaged to a guy making around 70k, and they live together. They are trying to buy a home, and apparently she is getting a big assist with her down payment from mom. I think 50k. She has gone from shopping for homes around $350k to $500k.

I am mid 30s, a lawyer in biglaw. married to a lawyer working part time at a small firm. HHI around 400k. We are semi-frugal but have kids to support, high child care expenses, etc. We are doing well. But, we are looking to move to a top school district in 2017 and don't have enough cash for a down payment yet.

I asked mom if she was going to match her gift to my sis with one to me, and she said no. I know my financial picture is better than my sis's, but that's because I put myself through law school, work harder, have been more responsible. Anyway, I just don't think it's right for a parent to make such a big gift to just one child. She wouldn't get my sis nice Xmas gifts and me crappy gifts or no gifts. She wouldn't leave my sis 60% of her estate and me 40%.

So, is this fair or unfair? (For the record, I would never have asked for help, just wondered if I could expect something). Would you subsidize your own kids unevenly like this?


Fascinating post.

She votes Democrat.

You vote, or should vote, Republican.

Why would you say that? I have many friends who are drunks, divorced two or three times, never done anything with all their fancy degrees from big name schools and/or are living off family money who are hard core republicans. They would not compare favorable to OP's sister. At least she is getting her shit together.

I think PP would say that, because generally liberals are less likely to accept responsibilities for their poor choices. As in the troubles of OP's sister are her rich sibling's fault-->resources must be diverted from the siblings to her, because she needs it (Who needs a 500K house?), and it's all OP's fault anyway

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sis and I are on different paths. She coasted for a while after college, worked for years at a movie theater, lived at home for free or nearly free, etc. Substantial drug use. But she now has an office gig making around 50k. She is 30, engaged to a guy making around 70k, and they live together. They are trying to buy a home, and apparently she is getting a big assist with her down payment from mom. I think 50k. She has gone from shopping for homes around $350k to $500k.

I am mid 30s, a lawyer in biglaw. married to a lawyer working part time at a small firm. HHI around 400k. We are semi-frugal but have kids to support, high child care expenses, etc. We are doing well. But, we are looking to move to a top school district in 2017 and don't have enough cash for a down payment yet.

I asked mom if she was going to match her gift to my sis with one to me, and she said no. I know my financial picture is better than my sis's, but that's because I put myself through law school, work harder, have been more responsible. Anyway, I just don't think it's right for a parent to make such a big gift to just one child. She wouldn't get my sis nice Xmas gifts and me crappy gifts or no gifts. She wouldn't leave my sis 60% of her estate and me 40%.

So, is this fair or unfair? (For the record, I would never have asked for help, just wondered if I could expect something). Would you subsidize your own kids unevenly like this?

Fascinating post.

She votes Democrat.

You vote, or should vote, Republican.

Hey, don't bring politics into this. The family I know that think they should get their parents' money all vote Republican. On the other hand, I'm as liberal as they come and usually democrat and I think OP, and others on this thread, have some nerve feeling so entitled to their parents' money.

[Anonymous]

You have described the situation in DH's family. DH and one of his siblings went to college and married, worked hard and have done well. Another sibling (Sib A) has more community college/associate degrees/certifications than I can count (all paid for by parents), yet still barely makes more than minimum wage, is on her 3rd marriage at age 42- all deadbeats (there was also a live-in boyfriend between those), had one close call with the police regarding illegally written checks (she should have been prosecuted). The other sibling (Sib B) chose to pursue and acting career and had very limited success. He's now a drama teacher and with his wife, makes a middle class living.

About 15 years ago, in laws made the comment that they've spent more "trying to help" on Sib A than to the other 3 combined, including college expenses for the other 3. They have basically supported her her whole life. They also do a lot for Sib B, including paying for extracurriculars and camps for the kids. They have done nothing for us. A few years ago, DH lost his job. We spent a year living on 1/3 of our income and they didn't once did they offer to help out. We resent the hell out of them and the entire situation. DH and his other sibling who has done well on his own almost never see or speak to their in laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Def unfair. She's rewarding someone for being less motivated. If your sis was desperate bc of a temp situation I'd get it since you are doing great. Otherwise this is favoritism.

Unmotivated?

People who do not earn megabucks, who have addiction issues, are UNMOTIVATED???

I think I just threw up.

The poster said "less motivated" not "unmotivated."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My sis and I are on different paths. She coasted for a while after college, worked for years at a movie theater, lived at home for free or nearly free, etc. Substantial drug use. But she now has an office gig making around 50k. She is 30, engaged to a guy making around 70k, and they live together. They are trying to buy a home, and apparently she is getting a big assist with her down payment from mom. I think 50k. She has gone from shopping for homes around $350k to $500k.

I am mid 30s, a lawyer in biglaw. married to a lawyer working part time at a small firm. HHI around 400k. We are semi-frugal but have kids to support, high child care expenses, etc. We are doing well. But, we are looking to move to a top school district in 2017 and don't have enough cash for a down payment yet.

I asked mom if she was going to match her gift to my sis with one to me, and she said no. I know my financial picture is better than my sis's, but that's because I put myself through law school, work harder, have been more responsible. Anyway, I just don't think it's right for a parent to make such a big gift to just one child. She wouldn't get my sis nice Xmas gifts and me crappy gifts or no gifts. She wouldn't leave my sis 60% of her estate and me 40%.

So, is this fair or unfair? (For the record, I would never have asked for help, just wondered if I could expect something). Would you subsidize your own kids unevenly like this?


Fascinating post.

She votes Democrat.

You vote, or should vote, Republican.

Why would you say that? I have many friends who are drunks, divorced two or three times, never done anything with all their fancy degrees from big name schools and/or are living off family money who are hard core republicans. They would not compare favorable to OP's sister. At least she is getting her shit together.

I think PP would say that, because generally liberals are less likely to accept responsibilities for their poor choices. As in the troubles of OP's sister are her rich sibling's fault-->resources must be diverted from the siblings to her, because she needs it (Who needs a 500K house?), and it's all OP's fault anyway

Liberals know that everyone faces different challenges in life and that it's OK to provide a safety net or a hand up to people who either don't have the same skill set, mental health, physical health, or the same luck as someone else. That doesn't negate or devalue the OP's hard work. But hard work alone didn't get her where she is.

There's also nothing to indicate the OP's sister doesn't accept responsibility for her life choices. It's her mom who thinks she could use a little help. OP has no gratitude for her life circumstances. That, unlike her sister's mindset, is clear. To me that's just as bad as someone who doesn't accept responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The entitlement on this thread is amazing. Who are you people that think other people's money is your own, even your parents?? Maybe they think, and did, mess up raising you to be entitled and are now choking back to teach you a well-needed lesson. Most of you cannot be real to be this entitled.

What I think is sad is the idea that to you, FAMILY is "other people."

I think parents should try to help their kids get started in life. I think parents should discourage dependency in their kids and draw a distinction between fostering dependency and giving a leg up. I believe these things as a kid and as a parent. There is no "entitlement" in that world view.

"Entitlement" is when you expect not to have to play your own role in the circle of life and just get to take.

Your bolded sentence makes no sense and certainly isn't what 'entitlement' means.

It makes perfect sense. I suggest you brush up on your reading comprehension.

I'll try to dumb it down for you in the meantime:

We are belong to families, i.e. groups of other people with our genetic material. The collective genetic material benefits optimally when each member of the family prioritizes the family as a unit and no one member goes rogue and just worries about their own gratification.

Therefore, an asshole sitting on a pile of money and not thinking about how it can help kids is just as bad as an asshole doing drugs expecting to be bailed out by parents.

It's not entitlement (definition "the fact of having a right to something") if you are taking from your parents while also giving to your own kids and prioritizing the family as a unit over and above your own gratification. The indulgent assholes described above are the entitled ones because they are the ones who think they have a right to a one-way street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My sis and I are on different paths. She coasted for a while after college, worked for years at a movie theater, lived at home for free or nearly free, etc. Substantial drug use. But she now has an office gig making around 50k. She is 30, engaged to a guy making around 70k, and they live together. They are trying to buy a home, and apparently she is getting a big assist with her down payment from mom. I think 50k. She has gone from shopping for homes around $350k to $500k.

I am mid 30s, a lawyer in biglaw. married to a lawyer working part time at a small firm. HHI around 400k. We are semi-frugal but have kids to support, high child care expenses, etc. We are doing well. But, we are looking to move to a top school district in 2017 and don't have enough cash for a down payment yet.

I asked mom if she was going to match her gift to my sis with one to me, and she said no. I know my financial picture is better than my sis's, but that's because I put myself through law school, work harder, have been more responsible. Anyway, I just don't think it's right for a parent to make such a big gift to just one child. She wouldn't get my sis nice Xmas gifts and me crappy gifts or no gifts. She wouldn't leave my sis 60% of her estate and me 40%.

So, is this fair or unfair? (For the record, I would never have asked for help, just wondered if I could expect something). Would you subsidize your own kids unevenly like this?


Fascinating post.

She votes Democrat.

You vote, or should vote, Republican.

Why would you say that? I have many friends who are drunks, divorced two or three times, never done anything with all their fancy degrees from big name schools and/or are living off family money who are hard core republicans. They would not compare favorable to OP's sister. At least she is getting her shit together.

I think PP would say that, because generally liberals are less likely to accept responsibilities for their poor choices. As in the troubles of OP's sister are her rich sibling's fault-->resources must be diverted from the siblings to her, because she needs it (Who needs a 500K house?), and it's all OP's fault anyway

Yep. We are obviously generalizing, but OP's post indirectly contrasted two different political mindsets, responding to the question "Who owns the primary responsibility for one's well-being." Is it others (Democrat; like the sister) or the individual (Republican: like OP).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My sis and I are on different paths. She coasted for a while after college, worked for years at a movie theater, lived at home for free or nearly free, etc. Substantial drug use. But she now has an office gig making around 50k. She is 30, engaged to a guy making around 70k, and they live together. They are trying to buy a home, and apparently she is getting a big assist with her down payment from mom. I think 50k. She has gone from shopping for homes around $350k to $500k.

I am mid 30s, a lawyer in biglaw. married to a lawyer working part time at a small firm. HHI around 400k. We are semi-frugal but have kids to support, high child care expenses, etc. We are doing well. But, we are looking to move to a top school district in 2017 and don't have enough cash for a down payment yet.

I asked mom if she was going to match her gift to my sis with one to me, and she said no. I know my financial picture is better than my sis's, but that's because I put myself through law school, work harder, have been more responsible. Anyway, I just don't think it's right for a parent to make such a big gift to just one child. She wouldn't get my sis nice Xmas gifts and me crappy gifts or no gifts. She wouldn't leave my sis 60% of her estate and me 40%.

So, is this fair or unfair? (For the record, I would never have asked for help, just wondered if I could expect something). Would you subsidize your own kids unevenly like this?


Fascinating post.

She votes Democrat.

You vote, or should vote, Republican.

Why would you say that? I have many friends who are drunks, divorced two or three times, never done anything with all their fancy degrees from big name schools and/or are living off family money who are hard core republicans. They would not compare favorable to OP's sister. At least she is getting her shit together.

I think PP would say that, because generally liberals are less likely to accept responsibilities for their poor choices. As in the troubles of OP's sister are her rich sibling's fault-->resources must be diverted from the siblings to her, because she needs it (Who needs a 500K house?), and it's all OP's fault anyway

Liberals know that everyone faces different challenges in life and that it's OK to provide a safety net or a hand up to people who either don't have the same skill set, mental health, physical health, or the same luck as someone else. That doesn't negate or devalue the OP's hard work. But hard work alone didn't get her where she is.

There's also nothing to indicate the OP's sister doesn't accept responsibility for her life choices. It's her mom who thinks she could use a little help. OP has no gratitude for her life circumstances. That, unlike her sister's mindset, is clear. To me that's just as bad as someone who doesn't accept responsibility.

At some point Op's sister crossed over the line from *needing* help to wanting things that she could not afford. Op's mom has chosen to pamper this baby. It is Op's mom's money. She can do with it as she pleases. Hopefully those two are spending that money wisely!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My sis and I are on different paths. She coasted for a while after college, worked for years at a movie theater, lived at home for free or nearly free, etc. Substantial drug use. But she now has an office gig making around 50k. She is 30, engaged to a guy making around 70k, and they live together. They are trying to buy a home, and apparently she is getting a big assist with her down payment from mom. I think 50k. She has gone from shopping for homes around $350k to $500k.

I am mid 30s, a lawyer in biglaw. married to a lawyer working part time at a small firm. HHI around 400k. We are semi-frugal but have kids to support, high child care expenses, etc. We are doing well. But, we are looking to move to a top school district in 2017 and don't have enough cash for a down payment yet.

I asked mom if she was going to match her gift to my sis with one to me, and she said no. I know my financial picture is better than my sis's, but that's because I put myself through law school, work harder, have been more responsible. Anyway, I just don't think it's right for a parent to make such a big gift to just one child. She wouldn't get my sis nice Xmas gifts and me crappy gifts or no gifts. She wouldn't leave my sis 60% of her estate and me 40%.

So, is this fair or unfair? (For the record, I would never have asked for help, just wondered if I could expect something). Would you subsidize your own kids unevenly like this?


Fascinating post.

She votes Democrat.

You vote, or should vote, Republican.

Why would you say that? I have many friends who are drunks, divorced two or three times, never done anything with all their fancy degrees from big name schools and/or are living off family money who are hard core republicans. They would not compare favorable to OP's sister. At least she is getting her shit together.

I think PP would say that, because generally liberals are less likely to accept responsibilities for their poor choices. As in the troubles of OP's sister are her rich sibling's fault-->resources must be diverted from the siblings to her, because she needs it (Who needs a 500K house?), and it's all OP's fault anyway

Yep. We are obviously generalizing, but OP's post indirectly contrasted two different political mindsets, responding to the question "Who owns the primary responsibility for one's well-being." Is it others (Democrat; like the sister) or the individual (Republican: like OP).

I think responsibility should be pooled within a family but with a mindful eye towards encouraging sub-optimal performance by any one member. But that model doesn't scale well at all and so can't work for a government. I'm a libertarian. Flame me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My sis and I are on different paths. She coasted for a while after college, worked for years at a movie theater, lived at home for free or nearly free, etc. Substantial drug use. But she now has an office gig making around 50k. She is 30, engaged to a guy making around 70k, and they live together. They are trying to buy a home, and apparently she is getting a big assist with her down payment from mom. I think 50k. She has gone from shopping for homes around $350k to $500k.

I am mid 30s, a lawyer in biglaw. married to a lawyer working part time at a small firm. HHI around 400k. We are semi-frugal but have kids to support, high child care expenses, etc. We are doing well. But, we are looking to move to a top school district in 2017 and don't have enough cash for a down payment yet.

I asked mom if she was going to match her gift to my sis with one to me, and she said no. I know my financial picture is better than my sis's, but that's because I put myself through law school, work harder, have been more responsible. Anyway, I just don't think it's right for a parent to make such a big gift to just one child. She wouldn't get my sis nice Xmas gifts and me crappy gifts or no gifts. She wouldn't leave my sis 60% of her estate and me 40%.

So, is this fair or unfair? (For the record, I would never have asked for help, just wondered if I could expect something). Would you subsidize your own kids unevenly like this?


Fascinating post.

She votes Democrat.

You vote, or should vote, Republican.

Why would you say that? I have many friends who are drunks, divorced two or three times, never done anything with all their fancy degrees from big name schools and/or are living off family money who are hard core republicans. They would not compare favorable to OP's sister. At least she is getting her shit together.

I think PP would say that, because generally liberals are less likely to accept responsibilities for their poor choices. As in the troubles of OP's sister are her rich sibling's fault-->resources must be diverted from the siblings to her, because she needs it (Who needs a 500K house?), and it's all OP's fault anyway

Liberals know that everyone faces different challenges in life and that it's OK to provide a safety net or a hand up to people who either don't have the same skill set, mental health, physical health, or the same luck as someone else. That doesn't negate or devalue the OP's hard work. But hard work alone didn't get her where she is.

There's also nothing to indicate the OP's sister doesn't accept responsibility for her life choices. It's her mom who thinks she could use a little help. OP has no gratitude for her life circumstances. That, unlike her sister's mindset, is clear. To me that's just as bad as someone who doesn't accept responsibility.

At some point Op's sister crossed over the line from *needing* help to wanting things that she could not afford. Op's mom has chosen to pamper this baby. It is Op's mom's money. She can do with it as she pleases. Hopefully those two are spending that money wisely!

Yes, she certainly can. And OP can also choose to be resentful about it. Can't escape consequences no matter where you turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents subsidized my brother his entire adult life and I never blinked twice. He was in need and I wasn't. And I'm talking about three times what your parents are giving your sister. Every time they gave him money it made logical sense to me. I viewed it as parents who could help did help. And I assumed if I ever needed help, they'd help me too. It was their mindset that mattered to me, not an equal distribution of funds.

I will say, however, that my dad died several years and the money dried up to the point my mom is living on a limited fixed income now. I am mad because my brother isn't paying back a loan to her, which she now needs. So the family ethic of helping when help is needed didn't go both ways. I also think now, looking back, that so much help, so quickly, produced a very unhealthy sense of entitlement in my brother that has gone on to cause him a lot of problems. In your parents' place now, I might tell your sister i'd help, but I'd help toward that original $350,000 house goal.

In your shoes, I'd examine what your relationships are with your parents and sister that make you want an equal gift. Like I said before, I felt the "gift" to me was parents who'd help if necessary. I was just fortunate in life never to need that. I still had the "gift" of generous and caring parents. If that makes sense. But maybe there's something in your life history that makes you feel the unfairness is bigger than the $ amount. It's worth examining.

I think this is a very thoughtful response. I have seen how unequal money gifts have caused resentment in my mother's family. I also think that most of us would agree that it does not have to be exactly equal to be fair, but, if you are going to give adult children large gifts of money to support lifestyle choices, there should be some nod at equality (e.g. everyone gets help with a house down payment). I think the lesson for us is that making adult kids be independent builds resilience and helps them prepare for bumps in the road of life.

[Anonymous]

Holy cow OP, you sound like a whiny brat. Sounds like your mom did a terrible job raising BOTH her kids.

You make $400k and you are complaining????

You are not entitled to anything. You are not entitled to your mom's money, nor are you entitled to an explanation as to why your mom is subsidizing a working adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My sis and I are on different paths. She coasted for a while after college, worked for years at a movie theater, lived at home for free or nearly free, etc. Substantial drug use. But she now has an office gig making around 50k. She is 30, engaged to a guy making around 70k, and they live together. They are trying to buy a home, and apparently she is getting a big assist with her down payment from mom. I think 50k. She has gone from shopping for homes around $350k to $500k.

I am mid 30s, a lawyer in biglaw. married to a lawyer working part time at a small firm. HHI around 400k. We are semi-frugal but have kids to support, high child care expenses, etc. We are doing well. But, we are looking to move to a top school district in 2017 and don't have enough cash for a down payment yet.

I asked mom if she was going to match her gift to my sis with one to me, and she said no. I know my financial picture is better than my sis's, but that's because I put myself through law school, work harder, have been more responsible. Anyway, I just don't think it's right for a parent to make such a big gift to just one child. She wouldn't get my sis nice Xmas gifts and me crappy gifts or no gifts. She wouldn't leave my sis 60% of her estate and me 40%.

So, is this fair or unfair? (For the record, I would never have asked for help, just wondered if I could expect something). Would you subsidize your own kids unevenly like this?


Fascinating post.

She votes Democrat.

You vote, or should vote, Republican.

Why would you say that? I have many friends who are drunks, divorced two or three times, never done anything with all their fancy degrees from big name schools and/or are living off family money who are hard core republicans. They would not compare favorable to OP's sister. At least she is getting her shit together.

I think PP would say that, because generally liberals are less likely to accept responsibilities for their poor choices. As in the troubles of OP's sister are her rich sibling's fault-->resources must be diverted from the siblings to her, because she needs it (Who needs a 500K house?), and it's all OP's fault anyway

Liberals know that everyone faces different challenges in life and that it's OK to provide a safety net or a hand up to people who either don't have the same skill set, mental health, physical health, or the same luck as someone else. That doesn't negate or devalue the OP's hard work. But hard work alone didn't get her where she is.

There's also nothing to indicate the OP's sister doesn't accept responsibility for her life choices. It's her mom who thinks she could use a little help. OP has no gratitude for her life circumstances. That, unlike her sister's mindset, is clear. To me that's just as bad as someone who doesn't accept responsibility.

At some point Op's sister crossed over the line from *needing* help to wanting things that she could not afford. Op's mom has chosen to pamper this baby. It is Op's mom's money. She can do with it as she pleases. Hopefully those two are spending that money wisely!

Yes, she certainly can. And OP can also choose to be resentful about it. Can't escape consequences no matter where you turn.

I think that holds true for Mom and Sis though, too.

[Anonymous]

My mom gave my brother and I the same amounts for a down payment even though I make way more (300k vs 50k). She does help him with groceries. Since she pays for his cell phone, she pays for mine too even though I keep telling her to save her money. I wouldn't have minded if my mom had given my brother more money for a down payment. I don't really need help.