Wife nearly died. Angry with underwhelming response from her family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

Np, but when my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer and needed hospice, I flew to the other side of the country and took 3 weeks off to care for him until he died. Grandma also needed a lot of care as well. We're pregnant now and I won't be able to get a full 6 weeks of sick leave because of it, but it was very, very worth it to me. Dh has a high stress job and couldn't even fly in for the funeral. He just couldn't rearrange his overseas travel to be able to come on short notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

You're right. Not everyone can do it. I can because I'm married, my job has FMLA and my supervisor gets that emergencies happen; my husband is a fully capable person and as a family, we're not in crisis. Not every one is so lucky.

But there's a lot of room between what OP's relatives are doing - which is absolutely nothing, not even calling to check in - and what we did in my family. At the very least, his family should care. I mean, ask yourself - if your child had a stroke, what would stop you from flying out to see him or her? Being physically and/or financial incapable of travel - sure. But assuming you were able, would you just not bother? Because that's what OP's MIL is choosing to do - choosing to not care about almost loosing a child. That's not normal.

My husband and I are both fully capable human beings....I still can't just go away for weeks on end to take care of someone else's family nor could my husband - without our own family suffering.
Up until relatively recently he was working full time AND going to school at night. How could he just up and leave? How could I just up and leave when he had a schedule like that? We had kids, schoolwork, activities, dogs and our own house to take care of.

If I had a family member in the overwhelming situation that Op is in I would do what I could from afar to lighten their load. I might even fly in for a long weekend to try to get some local supports in place for them. I could not just shelve my own life for weeks on end though.

[Anonymous]

OP, another here saying I feel for you. People like this are hopeless. They will never understand, they will never be sympathetic, and they will never be what you (totally rightfully) need. Build a village of friends and other family to help - there ARE people who will, I promise. My mother had a similar situation and people came out of the woodwork. Sending you and your wife healing thoughts this holiday season.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you, OP. That really sucks. It sucks to have an seriously ill spouse and to feel like you don't have support. Just put one foot in front of the other, accept the help that is offered, and move forward. You will get to the other side of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

Np, but when my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer and needed hospice, I flew to the other side of the country and took 3 weeks off to care for him until he died. Grandma also needed a lot of care as well. We're pregnant now and I won't be able to get a full 6 weeks of sick leave because of it, but it was very, very worth it to me. Dh has a high stress job and couldn't even fly in for the funeral. He just couldn't rearrange his overseas travel to be able to come on short notice.

I think it is wonderful that you took care of your Grandpa like that but I also think that you will regret not having the full 6 weeks of maternity leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

You're right. Not everyone can do it. I can because I'm married, my job has FMLA and my supervisor gets that emergencies happen; my husband is a fully capable person and as a family, we're not in crisis. Not every one is so lucky.

But there's a lot of room between what OP's relatives are doing - which is absolutely nothing, not even calling to check in - and what we did in my family. At the very least, his family should care. I mean, ask yourself - if your child had a stroke, what would stop you from flying out to see him or her? Being physically and/or financial incapable of travel - sure. But assuming you were able, would you just not bother? Because that's what OP's MIL is choosing to do - choosing to not care about almost loosing a child. That's not normal.

Except unless your state law says otherwise...

Family members not covered by the federal FMLA include siblings, in-laws, grandparents and other extended family members unless those individuals stood “in loco parentis” to the employee when he or she was a minor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry. No advice, just wanted to commiserate.

One year into our marriage, my DH underwent emergency brain surgery, a second brain surgery, and chemo and radiation to treat a brain tumor. His parents and sister were totally absent. His dad and mom showed up once in the ICU after the emergency surgery and proceeded to fight with each other so loudly that the nurse had to ask them to leave (they subsequently divorced). His dad came to visit once and made hurtful jokes about DH's weight gain (caused by massive doses of steroids to prevent brain swelling). And they all basically left me alone to deal with every chemo and radiation appointment. His sister was totally MIA and didn't even contact him. I had to quit my job to take care of him. After his second surgery, he almost died, and at one point he was incapable of speaking or forming a coherent sentence. I was 30 years old and faced with the prospect of a husband who would either die or end up in a nursing home, and only my mom was there with me. To this day, not one of them has the faintest idea or curiosity about what happened or the continuing medical issues he has (fortunately treatable with medication). Everyone pretends like it never happened. We also lost some of our closest friends, who just disappeared and never contacted us again. I realize that we are extremely luck that my DH survived and is doing well, but my faith in other people is forever shaken. It's not something therapy can repair.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish you and your family the best -- stay strong, it will get better as time goes on.

NP here. I'm so glad you made it through such a horrible experience and your husband survived and is doing well. My husband is going through chemo now and your post seriously made me cry. Best wishes to you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, at a minimum, they could check in every once in a while to see how OP's wife is doing. They could ask if there are items they could have shipped as a care package for the wife or family. They could volunteer to pay for meal delivery once a week. Even if they can't drop everything, they could act like they care about their sister/daughter.

In this situation since the family is well aware that Op is alone and taking care of his seriously ill bedridden wife AND their 2 young kids ..it is terrible that no one has bothered to lift even a finger to lighten their overwhelming load. It's obvious that the Op could use some help. The Op has even requested their help. But no help has been given. That is inexcusable, sorry.

I think that a random group of strangers on the street would do better to be quite honest. Sad but true.

Their kids are going to be off on break over Christmas. They could offer to take OP's kids for a couple of days over New Year's holiday, at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

You're right. Not everyone can do it. I can because I'm married, my job has FMLA and my supervisor gets that emergencies happen; my husband is a fully capable person and as a family, we're not in crisis. Not every one is so lucky.

But there's a lot of room between what OP's relatives are doing - which is absolutely nothing, not even calling to check in - and what we did in my family. At the very least, his family should care. I mean, ask yourself - if your child had a stroke, what would stop you from flying out to see him or her? Being physically and/or financial incapable of travel - sure. But assuming you were able, would you just not bother? Because that's what OP's MIL is choosing to do - choosing to not care about almost loosing a child. That's not normal.

Exactly. There's a whole lot of middle ground and OP's inlaws are doing exactly NOTHING. I've done more for people I don't even really like.

Right now, I have time to give, so when something happens, I am the person who is available. It wasn't always that way -- I was overseas for several years, so I had to help in ways that didn't require my physical presence. But even just checking in regularly is more than the relatives are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

You're right. Not everyone can do it. I can because I'm married, my job has FMLA and my supervisor gets that emergencies happen; my husband is a fully capable person and as a family, we're not in crisis. Not every one is so lucky.

But there's a lot of room between what OP's relatives are doing - which is absolutely nothing, not even calling to check in - and what we did in my family. At the very least, his family should care. I mean, ask yourself - if your child had a stroke, what would stop you from flying out to see him or her? Being physically and/or financial incapable of travel - sure. But assuming you were able, would you just not bother? Because that's what OP's MIL is choosing to do - choosing to not care about almost loosing a child. That's not normal.

Again - federal fMla does not cover siblings!!

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, OP.

That's all I have but I mean it. You are on my prayer list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You also need to tell SIL off for bad behavior. "We're completely overwhelmed with how critical DW's situation is. Taking care of everyone has been very rough. Please excuse us for not exchanging gifts this year" What an evil SIL

^This!!!

I'm a reasonable person and I say fuck her!

The PP phrased it flawlessly. I'd send that exact text. Except, perhaps I might even add a nasty little twist:

We're completely overwhelmed with how critical DW's situation is. Taking care of everyone has been very rough, especially because no one from the family has been able to help us at all. We'd love any assistance you can offer, even now. Please excuse us for not exchanging gifts this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

You're right. Not everyone can do it. I can because I'm married, my job has FMLA and my supervisor gets that emergencies happen; my husband is a fully capable person and as a family, we're not in crisis. Not every one is so lucky.

But there's a lot of room between what OP's relatives are doing - which is absolutely nothing, not even calling to check in - and what we did in my family. At the very least, his family should care. I mean, ask yourself - if your child had a stroke, what would stop you from flying out to see him or her? Being physically and/or financial incapable of travel - sure. But assuming you were able, would you just not bother? Because that's what OP's MIL is choosing to do - choosing to not care about almost loosing a child. That's not normal.

Again - federal fMla does not cover siblings!!

Right, because that's the point here.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, immediate PP here - I 100% think you should send around an email to everyone you know and flat out ask for help. No one - NO ONE - I know would be offended or aghast at a sincere request for help from am ember of our community. If the K teacher at our small school had a stroke, shit, the whole school would be baking casseroles right now. Allow your 'chosen' family to rally around you and hold you up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your wife's family sucks. Period. Screw them. I'm terribly sorry for your wife's condition and for the total lack of support from her family.

The excuses are pathetic and the gift list is obnoxious. Respond however you see fit. Or don't. Whatever will make you feel better.

The idea of reaching out to your wife's school is really good. I'm a SAHM and I would absolutely see what I could do to help you. I know it feels incredibly awkward to say "this is what we need right now" but have a priority list in mind. "You know, what would really help most right now is ... "

Are you local?

I also think you should reach out to your wife's school. I know that when one of the teachers at our school was sick the entire school community pitched in to help, not just families from that class. At the very least you will probably have more meal offers than you will know what to do with. The more detailed you can make your list of needs the better others can help. I have found that most people do want to help. Your in laws are not most people. Surround yourself with those that care.