Do you tell the wife that her wonderful husband cheated on her for two years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone ever told a wife that her husband was cheating or had cheated on her? And how did you do it? It's not a matter of minding your own business, it's a matter of a man lying for two years that he was separated and acrrying on with another relationship when all along he was also with his wife and once he was caught he blamed it on the other woman stalking him. His wife needs to know what happened and how he went so far as to have a condo on the side and was apparently "leaving her and separated".

How do you communicate this to her?

This is serious financial stuff. If he has a condo on the side and she doesn't know about it? Yes she has a right to know. You say, "once caught he blamed..." so she knows about the affair. Does she know about the condo?

She already knows in her heart that he's a guilty SOB so no need to tell her about the details of the affair. But the financial details, yes she deserves to know. that condo is half hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a dw. Tell me please! That's sick. I'd want out.

The wife already knows about the cheating. So you are saying you want the OW to call and tell you all the details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone ever told a wife that her husband was cheating or had cheated on her? And how did you do it? It's not a matter of minding your own business, it's a matter of a man lying for two years that he was separated and acrrying on with another relationship when all along he was also with his wife and once he was caught he blamed it on the other woman stalking him. His wife needs to know what happened and how he went so far as to have a condo on the side and was apparently "leaving her and separated".

How do you communicate this to her?

If you are the other woman and got lied to then you probably feel angry and hurt like the wife will be if you tell her. Thing is that guys like that will lie about everything so there is probably a ton of stuff you and her don't know. I knew a guy who was cheating on his pregnant girlfriend and he was hitting on everyone from me, coworkers, online sites, etc. He was going to porn conventions and meeting up women for sex without his gf's knowledge all the while sweet talking her and her thinking he was more innocent than he let on. If you tell her most likely she will continue to stay with him because women like that already know what kind of man they are with and guys like that are big manipulators, reason why women are so attracted to them and they can get any woman they want.

[Anonymous]

If I was being portrayed as some sort of crazy stalker who pounced on a married man, yep, I would set the record straight. Everyone is going to be sympathetic to the wife who was cheated on but that does not mean that *I* deserve scorn or ill will towards *ME*. Plus, she really should know that her husband is duping unsuspecting women like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I was being portrayed as some sort of crazy stalker who pounced on a married man, yep, I would set the record straight. Everyone is going to be sympathetic to the wife who was cheated on but that does not mean that *I* deserve scorn or ill will towards *ME*. Plus, she really should know that her husband is duping unsuspecting women like that.

Agree. He's a scoundrel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I was being portrayed as some sort of crazy stalker who pounced on a married man, yep, I would set the record straight. Everyone is going to be sympathetic to the wife who was cheated on but that does not mean that *I* deserve scorn or ill will towards *ME*. Plus, she really should know that her husband is duping unsuspecting women like that.

What, she's going to stop hating you? I don't think so.

If the OP is the OW, and that was the tone I got from the original post right away, the best thing you can do is walk away. There is no winning scenario for you. Life lesson, move on. He wasn't married to you, so dump him like any other loser boyfriend and get on with your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I was being portrayed as some sort of crazy stalker who pounced on a married man, yep, I would set the record straight. Everyone is going to be sympathetic to the wife who was cheated on but that does not mean that *I* deserve scorn or ill will towards *ME*. Plus, she really should know that her husband is duping unsuspecting women like that.

You care what a complete stranger thinks about you. You know the wife is a complete stranger, you don't know her at all.

Would you walk up to a complete stranger on the street and tell them your story?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was being portrayed as some sort of crazy stalker who pounced on a married man, yep, I would set the record straight. Everyone is going to be sympathetic to the wife who was cheated on but that does not mean that *I* deserve scorn or ill will towards *ME*. Plus, she really should know that her husband is duping unsuspecting women like that.

You care what a complete stranger thinks about you. You know the wife is a complete stranger, you don't know her at all.

Would you walk up to a complete stranger on the street and tell them your story?

If I got the sense that she was bad mouthing me and making my name mud in her circle of lady friends. You bet I would try to talk to her because obviously she is not some random stranger, she is the wronged wife who is pissed off specifically at *ME*. And I would not deserve that kind of animosity directed at me. She would deserve to know exactly what her husband did - I'm not talking about bedroom specifics, I am talking about the way he manipulated/duped an innocent woman into being the other woman. I would also want her to know that I was very, very sorry and would never have willingly participated in a deception like that. Maybe it would make her feel better that she was not the only one who was hurt by this man. I don't know.

[Anonymous]

If my sister sees something, she better tell me. Anyone else in the world, zip that shit up tight, because I do not want to hear it from you. I have said this in other threads (and got accused of being a person with stuff to hide)- my marriage is MY business. If there is something to find out, it's my problem to find it out. If I don't, or don't want to, that's on me. If I do, that's also on me. The last thing I ever want is anyone coming to me with information that essentially turns my life on its head. It's not your place, full stop. And it won't make me grateful to you, it will make me hate you for putting on me what I, and only I, had the right to find out if I wanted to.

The pressure once you put that information on someone is enormous because now they know you know. So if you stay? They think you're a chump, happy to be cheated on. If you leave, they take credit. They feel invested, included, partially responsible for "saving" you.

And the LAST person I would want to hear from is some OW trying to absolve herself of guilt or wrongdoing. If you know you didn't do anything wrong, be satisfied with that. Don't feel the need to go unburden your conscience on someone's wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was being portrayed as some sort of crazy stalker who pounced on a married man, yep, I would set the record straight. Everyone is going to be sympathetic to the wife who was cheated on but that does not mean that *I* deserve scorn or ill will towards *ME*. Plus, she really should know that her husband is duping unsuspecting women like that.

You care what a complete stranger thinks about you. You know the wife is a complete stranger, you don't know her at all.

Would you walk up to a complete stranger on the street and tell them your story?

If I got the sense that she was bad mouthing me and making my name mud in her circle of lady friends. You bet I would try to talk to her because obviously she is not some random stranger, she is the wronged wife who is pissed off specifically at *ME*. And I would not deserve that kind of animosity directed at me. She would deserve to know exactly what her husband did - I'm not talking about bedroom specifics, I am talking about the way he manipulated/duped an innocent woman into being the other woman. I would also want her to know that I was very, very sorry and would never have willingly participated in a deception like that. Maybe it would make her feel better that she was not the only one who was hurt by this man. I don't know.

You are putting yourself in the middle of a marriage. Even though originally it was unknowingly, not it is intentionally. You now need to step away and accept the consequences even if that means a bunch of women are talking behind your back. She is a random stranger, the only reason she is not a stranger (in your mind) is because you slept with her husband and he told you a bunch of lies about her.

You are too close to this situation to make rational decisions. You need to step away from this for at least 6 months.

If you said, I want to send a note to the wife that say, i had no idea Joe was married period, nothing else, that is one thing... but you are determined to make sure the wife knows her husband is a terrible human being. That is not your job or your place.

No ... it does not make her feel better that you are hurt too. She does not know you, she does not care about you. Mostly she only cares about her kids.

All APs lie. All men lie to the OW, the wife already knows you were used and tossed like a piece of trash, she knows her H is capable of that. Welcome to affairs.

You were used. That sucks. Deal with it within your own support group. Get out of this triad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my sister sees something, she better tell me. Anyone else in the world, zip that shit up tight, because I do not want to hear it from you. I have said this in other threads (and got accused of being a person with stuff to hide)- my marriage is MY business. If there is something to find out, it's my problem to find it out. If I don't, or don't want to, that's on me. If I do, that's also on me. The last thing I ever want is anyone coming to me with information that essentially turns my life on its head. It's not your place, full stop. And it won't make me grateful to you, it will make me hate you for putting on me what I, and only I, had the right to find out if I wanted to.

The pressure once you put that information on someone is enormous because now they know you know. So if you stay? They think you're a chump, happy to be cheated on. If you leave, they take credit. They feel invested, included, partially responsible for "saving" you.

And the LAST person I would want to hear from is some OW trying to absolve herself of guilt or wrongdoing. If you know you didn't do anything wrong, be satisfied with that. Don't feel the need to go unburden your conscience on someone's wife.

If you don't want to know you don't have to listen and you don't have to believe. You can't control what other people do or say, you can only control your reaction to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was being portrayed as some sort of crazy stalker who pounced on a married man, yep, I would set the record straight. Everyone is going to be sympathetic to the wife who was cheated on but that does not mean that *I* deserve scorn or ill will towards *ME*. Plus, she really should know that her husband is duping unsuspecting women like that.

You care what a complete stranger thinks about you. You know the wife is a complete stranger, you don't know her at all.

Would you walk up to a complete stranger on the street and tell them your story?

If I got the sense that she was bad mouthing me and making my name mud in her circle of lady friends. You bet I would try to talk to her because obviously she is not some random stranger, she is the wronged wife who is pissed off specifically at *ME*. And I would not deserve that kind of animosity directed at me. She would deserve to know exactly what her husband did - I'm not talking about bedroom specifics, I am talking about the way he manipulated/duped an innocent woman into being the other woman. I would also want her to know that I was very, very sorry and would never have willingly participated in a deception like that. Maybe it would make her feel better that she was not the only one who was hurt by this man. I don't know.

You are putting yourself in the middle of a marriage. Even though originally it was unknowingly, not it is intentionally. You now need to step away and accept the consequences even if that means a bunch of women are talking behind your back. She is a random stranger, the only reason she is not a stranger (in your mind) is because you slept with her husband and he told you a bunch of lies about her.

You are too close to this situation to make rational decisions. You need to step away from this for at least 6 months.

If you said, I want to send a note to the wife that say, i had no idea Joe was married period, nothing else, that is one thing... but you are determined to make sure the wife knows her husband is a terrible human being. That is not your job or your place.

No ... it does not make her feel better that you are hurt too. She does not know you, she does not care about you. Mostly she only cares about her kids.

All APs lie. All men lie to the OW, the wife already knows you were used and tossed like a piece of trash, she knows her H is capable of that. Welcome to affairs.

You were used. That sucks. Deal with it within your own support group. Get out of this triad.

So in your view, the wife already knows that her marriage is crap and that her husband is capable of this sort of thing. But she prefers to keep up appearances for the children's sake. O.k. I can see that might be the case for some women. Not all marriages are good marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was being portrayed as some sort of crazy stalker who pounced on a married man, yep, I would set the record straight. Everyone is going to be sympathetic to the wife who was cheated on but that does not mean that *I* deserve scorn or ill will towards *ME*. Plus, she really should know that her husband is duping unsuspecting women like that.

You care what a complete stranger thinks about you. You know the wife is a complete stranger, you don't know her at all.

Would you walk up to a complete stranger on the street and tell them your story?

If I got the sense that she was bad mouthing me and making my name mud in her circle of lady friends. You bet I would try to talk to her because obviously she is not some random stranger, she is the wronged wife who is pissed off specifically at *ME*. And I would not deserve that kind of animosity directed at me. She would deserve to know exactly what her husband did - I'm not talking about bedroom specifics, I am talking about the way he manipulated/duped an innocent woman into being the other woman. I would also want her to know that I was very, very sorry and would never have willingly participated in a deception like that. Maybe it would make her feel better that she was not the only one who was hurt by this man. I don't know.

You are putting yourself in the middle of a marriage. Even though originally it was unknowingly, not it is intentionally. You now need to step away and accept the consequences even if that means a bunch of women are talking behind your back. She is a random stranger, the only reason she is not a stranger (in your mind) is because you slept with her husband and he told you a bunch of lies about her.

You are too close to this situation to make rational decisions. You need to step away from this for at least 6 months.

If you said, I want to send a note to the wife that say, i had no idea Joe was married period, nothing else, that is one thing... but you are determined to make sure the wife knows her husband is a terrible human being. That is not your job or your place.

No ... it does not make her feel better that you are hurt too. She does not know you, she does not care about you. Mostly she only cares about her kids.

All APs lie. All men lie to the OW, the wife already knows you were used and tossed like a piece of trash, she knows her H is capable of that. Welcome to affairs.

You were used. That sucks. Deal with it within your own support group. Get out of this triad.

So in your view, the wife already knows that her marriage is crap and that her husband is capable of this sort of thing. But she prefers to keep up appearances for the children's sake. O.k. I can see that might be the case for some women. Not all marriages are good marriages.

Maybe. Or she realizes her husband is crap and is getting her ducks in a row before she takes him to the cleaners. Or she realizes her husband has issues and she will stick it out to see if he can get counseling and resolve his issues. or she was abused as a child and this type of treatment is normal to her and she needs counseling.

You don't know her. I don't know her. This is something she needs to deal with herself. The OW needs to deal with her betrayal herself. It's as simple as that.

I am old. I know about multiple friends that have been cheated on or cheated on their spouse. I have been friends with the cheater, the cheated on and the OW. I love them all .. no matter how damaged they have been at different stages of their life.

I don't think the OW sucks, she was a victim (in this case), but she does need to go away and take care of herself.
I don't think the cheater is the most horrible person in the world but he needs to get some help and change his ways, or he needs to exit stage left and let his wife heal (and leave the OW alone).
I don't think the wife is a just staying for the children and saving face, I suspect she is just trying to get by one day at a time and seeing if she can salvage something. (Generally, wives are told not to make any major decisions the 1st 8 weeks.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my sister sees something, she better tell me. Anyone else in the world, zip that shit up tight, because I do not want to hear it from you. I have said this in other threads (and got accused of being a person with stuff to hide)- my marriage is MY business. If there is something to find out, it's my problem to find it out. If I don't, or don't want to, that's on me. If I do, that's also on me. The last thing I ever want is anyone coming to me with information that essentially turns my life on its head. It's not your place, full stop. And it won't make me grateful to you, it will make me hate you for putting on me what I, and only I, had the right to find out if I wanted to.

The pressure once you put that information on someone is enormous because now they know you know. So if you stay? They think you're a chump, happy to be cheated on. If you leave, they take credit. They feel invested, included, partially responsible for "saving" you.

And the LAST person I would want to hear from is some OW trying to absolve herself of guilt or wrongdoing. If you know you didn't do anything wrong, be satisfied with that. Don't feel the need to go unburden your conscience on someone's wife.

If you don't want to know you don't have to listen and you don't have to believe. You can't control what other people do or say, you can only control your reaction to it.

Right because in the real world you can put your hands over your ears and say la la la can't hear you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my sister sees something, she better tell me. Anyone else in the world, zip that shit up tight, because I do not want to hear it from you. I have said this in other threads (and got accused of being a person with stuff to hide)- my marriage is MY business. If there is something to find out, it's my problem to find it out. If I don't, or don't want to, that's on me. If I do, that's also on me. The last thing I ever want is anyone coming to me with information that essentially turns my life on its head. It's not your place, full stop. And it won't make me grateful to you, it will make me hate you for putting on me what I, and only I, had the right to find out if I wanted to.

The pressure once you put that information on someone is enormous because now they know you know. So if you stay? They think you're a chump, happy to be cheated on. If you leave, they take credit. They feel invested, included, partially responsible for "saving" you.

And the LAST person I would want to hear from is some OW trying to absolve herself of guilt or wrongdoing. If you know you didn't do anything wrong, be satisfied with that. Don't feel the need to go unburden your conscience on someone's wife.

If you don't want to know you don't have to listen and you don't have to believe. You can't control what other people do or say, you can only control your reaction to it.

Right because in the real world you can put your hands over your ears and say la la la can't hear you.

The truth shall set you free. You can ignore, push it aside, tell yourself that you just talked to a crazy person. Continue to deny. But if you ever need the truth, you've got it.