Do you tell the wife that her wonderful husband cheated on her for two years?

[Anonymous]

She knows. They always know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She knows. They always know.

This is just not true. I really did not know. Looking back on it, there were signs -- but I honestly had no idea. I still can't say whether I would have appreciated anyone telling me before I found out myself. It's so complex. I can say I was definitely glad that I found out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who say MYOB, if you were the aggrieved wife would you want to know the facts or just remain blissfully ignorant?

I would want to know the facts.

I would want to remain ignorant - depending on who was informing me. Truthfully, I would likely already KNOW something was amiss. But if it was a friend or a relative who I know sincerely cares about me AND will be there to help me pick up the pieces - they can tell me. A "friend" who has no sincere care about the aftermath and just "thinks I should know" can MYOFB!

hahahaHA of course - It could never happen to you!

[Anonymous]

I would hope that someone- even the OW- told me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only if you're a jerk. She has a hard enough time already.

This.

How did she have a hard enough time already if he was lying to her and to the other woman? The wife NEVER knew anything about the two years he cheated on her. She found a text on his phone and he chalked that up to a woman stalking him. Wife has no clue her wonderful husband cheated on her the entire 9 months she was pregnant and for another 17 plus months. Traveled with said woman, etc.

NP, I'd want to know if I was the wife. I'd hate knowing, but I'd want to know. And I've told 2 friends this heartbreaking info. It was hard, but I was clear that I couldn't in good conscience know and not tell them. Especially because a couple of other people knew but no one was telling in one case.

My questions for you are: 1) How did you come to know all of this info about the husband's situation, and 2) why haven't you already told the wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I AM aware. I went through it!! I hate to be snarky, but you are lecturing someone who has lived through a cheating spouse. I am simply giving you another perspective. I have the benefit of understanding 100% how a woman would feel discovering that and, yes, that would impact my decision to tell someone about their spouse. Hypotheitcal: Would you tell someone if you had a strong feeling that they would harm themselves, the spouse or the AP? Would you tell someone that you knew would fly off the deep end emotionally? All I am saying is that this an emotional, highly charged issue that involves real people. I just do not think the "right" to tell her is absolute and always the best thing to do.

That being said, I do not begrudge anyone who feels differently. IMO, our differeing opinions illustrate just how complicated this issue can be.

Yes. I would prefer to tell them in a matter of fact, private and compassionate way. I would have no control over what they did with the information but this idea that they will always find out only when and if they want to find out and on their own terms is ludicrous. This bomb has the potential to go off at any moment - any time, any place, anywhere. Just because you keep it a deep dark secret doesn't make it any less true or any less volatile.

Better to hear it privately, calm and matter of fact. That is just my opinion.

And that to me signifies the issue. How can be sure you are doing the right thing if you do not know how the info will be received? You are essentially saying that you would tell the person and you think that you have no moral accountability for telling her. That is the specific type of person that I would NOT want telling me. Frankly, I do not think you have the right to impose information on people without consequence nor do you have the right to decide what is ludicrous in someone else's marriage. In situations like this, what you want and what you think the DW should want are not the priority. I would hope that you would have enough "compassion" to make a determination as whether telling her is the right thing to do under the specific circumstances.

NP, you NEVER know how someone will receive emotionally devastating info. But that does NOT relieve me, as a close friend or family member, of the responsibility to tell them they're being deceived! The cheating spouse is the one who planted the poisonous seeds and broke trust. I would be livid if I found out a close friend/relative knew of my spouse or significant other cheating on me and didn't tell me.

Of course the impact is heavy and the fallout usually tremendous. But that is all predictably a part of what happens when a spouse cheats. The damage is done in the cheating, and the exposure is awful but the exposure is NOT the wrong. The cheating is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's also a health issue. Cheating husband could contract and pass on STDs.

Best point on the board. PP, I was going to post not to tell but your point changed my mind. Safety first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Amazing how easily women are manipulated by men who cheat on them and their wives.

We never hear of men being manipulated by women who tell them they are single when they are actually married.

Eh, testosterone is a weird thing. It goes a long way to explaining male tendencies to violence, risk taking, poor decision making, inability to infer consequences, and increased sexual appetite. That's why - in 98 out of 100 scenarios - men a perpetrating these infidelity schemes.

so if a guy cheats he's more of a man because of testosterone? what about the guys that are faithful? or is that unheard of?

[Anonymous]

Call her, email her, or send her a letter? If you were the wife which would you prefer?

And would you want photos and emails as eveidence up front or would you just want the offer of having them available to you if you wanted to see them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Amazing how easily women are manipulated by men who cheat on them and their wives.

We never hear of men being manipulated by women who tell them they are single when they are actually married.

Eh, testosterone is a weird thing. It goes a long way to explaining male tendencies to violence, risk taking, poor decision making, inability to infer consequences, and increased sexual appetite. That's why - in 98 out of 100 scenarios - men a perpetrating these infidelity schemes.

so if a guy cheats he's more of a man because of testosterone? what about the guys that are faithful? or is that unheard of?

It was an explanation of why men are way more predisposed than women to pull this crap. Men are bad at making good decisions and take way more risks than women - there is an entire ream of academic literature on this subject.

I'm not saying it makes anyone "more of a man" - in that case, I guess a murderer would be the most manly person of all? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Amazing how easily women are manipulated by men who cheat on them and their wives.

We never hear of men being manipulated by women who tell them they are single when they are actually married.

Eh, testosterone is a weird thing. It goes a long way to explaining male tendencies to violence, risk taking, poor decision making, inability to infer consequences, and increased sexual appetite. That's why - in 98 out of 100 scenarios - men a perpetrating these infidelity schemes.

so if a guy cheats he's more of a man because of testosterone? what about the guys that are faithful? or is that unheard of?

It was an explanation of why men are way more predisposed than women to pull this crap. Men are bad at making good decisions and take way more risks than women - there is an entire ream of academic literature on this subject.

I'm not saying it makes anyone "more of a man" - in that case, I guess a murderer would be the most manly person of all? No.

Not really. A serial killer who is also a cheater and a mechanic would be MOST manly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who say MYOB, if you were the aggrieved wife would you want to know the facts or just remain blissfully ignorant?

I would want to know the facts.

I would want to remain ignorant - depending on who was informing me. Truthfully, I would likely already KNOW something was amiss. But if it was a friend or a relative who I know sincerely cares about me AND will be there to help me pick up the pieces - they can tell me. A "friend" who has no sincere care about the aftermath and just "thinks I should know" can MYOFB!

hahahaHA of course - It could never happen to you!

LOL! Maybe you should have read my other posts. It did happen to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would hope that someone- even the OW- told me.

X1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I AM aware. I went through it!! I hate to be snarky, but you are lecturing someone who has lived through a cheating spouse. I am simply giving you another perspective. I have the benefit of understanding 100% how a woman would feel discovering that and, yes, that would impact my decision to tell someone about their spouse. Hypotheitcal: Would you tell someone if you had a strong feeling that they would harm themselves, the spouse or the AP? Would you tell someone that you knew would fly off the deep end emotionally? All I am saying is that this an emotional, highly charged issue that involves real people. I just do not think the "right" to tell her is absolute and always the best thing to do.

That being said, I do not begrudge anyone who feels differently. IMO, our differeing opinions illustrate just how complicated this issue can be.

Yes. I would prefer to tell them in a matter of fact, private and compassionate way. I would have no control over what they did with the information but this idea that they will always find out only when and if they want to find out and on their own terms is ludicrous. This bomb has the potential to go off at any moment - any time, any place, anywhere. Just because you keep it a deep dark secret doesn't make it any less true or any less volatile.

Better to hear it privately, calm and matter of fact. That is just my opinion.

And that to me signifies the issue. How can be sure you are doing the right thing if you do not know how the info will be received? You are essentially saying that you would tell the person and you think that you have no moral accountability for telling her. That is the specific type of person that I would NOT want telling me. Frankly, I do not think you have the right to impose information on people without consequence nor do you have the right to decide what is ludicrous in someone else's marriage. In situations like this, what you want and what you think the DW should want are not the priority. I would hope that you would have enough "compassion" to make a determination as whether telling her is the right thing to do under the specific circumstances.

NP, you NEVER know how someone will receive emotionally devastating info. But that does NOT relieve me, as a close friend or family member, of the responsibility to tell them they're being deceived! The cheating spouse is the one who planted the poisonous seeds and broke trust. I would be livid if I found out a close friend/relative knew of my spouse or significant other cheating on me and didn't tell me.

Of course the impact is heavy and the fallout usually tremendous. But that is all predictably a part of what happens when a spouse cheats. The damage is done in the cheating, and the exposure is awful but the exposure is NOT the wrong. The cheating is.

But you are making the SAME qualifications that I made in my first post. If it my BF or a relative I would want and expect them to tell me. Because I would know that they truly have my best interests at heart and they will likely have a good idea as to how I would receive such information and tailor the message accordingly. I found out about my husband's affair myself and I said that had someone else (a casual friend) told me, I might have killed my cheating husband. My BF and sister would have known HOW to tell me so that I would not have been hasty. What I was reacting to was the casual "friend" dropping the bombshell and the motivation behind that. I just think that if you make the decision to share that type of info with a "casual" friend, you do have a responsibility under those specific circumstances to ensure that you are doing the right thing. I questioned the OP's motives and I was not alone. It is just not the black and white issue to me that it is to you and that is fine. Would tell a woman who was 7 months pregnant in a diffcult pregnancy? How about a woman who just lost a parent? Telling her when YOU think is appropriate is not always the compassionate thing to do. Timing and specific circumstances do matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I AM aware. I went through it!! I hate to be snarky, but you are lecturing someone who has lived through a cheating spouse. I am simply giving you another perspective. I have the benefit of understanding 100% how a woman would feel discovering that and, yes, that would impact my decision to tell someone about their spouse. Hypotheitcal: Would you tell someone if you had a strong feeling that they would harm themselves, the spouse or the AP? Would you tell someone that you knew would fly off the deep end emotionally? All I am saying is that this an emotional, highly charged issue that involves real people. I just do not think the "right" to tell her is absolute and always the best thing to do.

That being said, I do not begrudge anyone who feels differently. IMO, our differeing opinions illustrate just how complicated this issue can be.

Yes. I would prefer to tell them in a matter of fact, private and compassionate way. I would have no control over what they did with the information but this idea that they will always find out only when and if they want to find out and on their own terms is ludicrous. This bomb has the potential to go off at any moment - any time, any place, anywhere. Just because you keep it a deep dark secret doesn't make it any less true or any less volatile.

Better to hear it privately, calm and matter of fact. That is just my opinion.

And that to me signifies the issue. How can be sure you are doing the right thing if you do not know how the info will be received? You are essentially saying that you would tell the person and you think that you have no moral accountability for telling her. That is the specific type of person that I would NOT want telling me. Frankly, I do not think you have the right to impose information on people without consequence nor do you have the right to decide what is ludicrous in someone else's marriage. In situations like this, what you want and what you think the DW should want are not the priority. I would hope that you would have enough "compassion" to make a determination as whether telling her is the right thing to do under the specific circumstances.

NP, you NEVER know how someone will receive emotionally devastating info. But that does NOT relieve me, as a close friend or family member, of the responsibility to tell them they're being deceived! The cheating spouse is the one who planted the poisonous seeds and broke trust. I would be livid if I found out a close friend/relative knew of my spouse or significant other cheating on me and didn't tell me.

Of course the impact is heavy and the fallout usually tremendous. But that is all predictably a part of what happens when a spouse cheats. The damage is done in the cheating, and the exposure is awful but the exposure is NOT the wrong. The cheating is.

But you are making the SAME qualifications that I made in my first post. If it my BF or a relative I would want and expect them to tell me. Because I would know that they truly have my best interests at heart and they will likely have a good idea as to how I would receive such information and tailor the message accordingly. I found out about my husband's affair myself and I said that had someone else (a casual friend) told me, I might have killed my cheating husband. My BF and sister would have known HOW to tell me so that I would not have been hasty. What I was reacting to was the casual "friend" dropping the bombshell and the motivation behind that. I just think that if you make the decision to share that type of info with a "casual" friend, you do have a responsibility under those specific circumstances to ensure that you are doing the right thing. I questioned the OP's motives and I was not alone. It is just not the black and white issue to me that it is to you and that is fine. Would tell a woman who was 7 months pregnant in a diffcult pregnancy? How about a woman who just lost a parent? Telling her when YOU think is appropriate is not always the compassionate thing to do. Timing and specific circumstances do matter.

Why would a casual friend have ANY motivation in telling you OTHER than to want you to KNOW as they WOULD want to know in a "we're all in this sisterhood together" kind of way? I am baffled that women think just because a casual friend is the one to tell you that your husband is cheating that they have some malicious motivation other than just WANTING YOU NOT TO BE SHIT ON.