Do you tell the wife that her wonderful husband cheated on her for two years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who say MYOB, if you were the aggrieved wife would you want to know the facts or just remain blissfully ignorant?

I would want to know the facts.

I would want to remain ignorant - depending on who was informing me. Truthfully, I would likely already KNOW something was amiss. But if it was a friend or a relative who I know sincerely cares about me AND will be there to help me pick up the pieces - they can tell me. A "friend" who has no sincere care about the aftermath and just "thinks I should know" can MYOFB!

Remaining ignorant is dangerous though. It's unlikely that this will be the last mistress. At least the wife can know something is going on with her husband and seek out counseling to fix the marriage. Also, with remaining ignorant their is a real risk to being blind sided with being left for a side piece.

I hear you...but my point is that I would not want to find out from the nosy busybody who is just trying to start crap. Here is the rub. If my best friend or sister sees somethng and decides to tell me, they KNOW the level of chaos and upheaval that my life will become and by telling me, they are implicity committing to being there for me as I work through it. They are vested too. The casual friend is just going to drop a bomb and go on with her life after she blows mine up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who say MYOB, if you were the aggrieved wife would you want to know the facts or just remain blissfully ignorant?

I would want to know the facts.

I'll bite and maybe this isn't popular but I don't think its anyone else's place, ever, to insert themselves into my marriage. I think barring serious abuse where getting someone out is paramount to survival/ health (NO you can't talk infidelity into that category) then it is really a shit thing to do to try to tell me what I should or shouldn't know. Either I find out or I don't but that really doesn't effect your life after you get your little "moment" in. So why does anyone feel the right to insert themselves?

Weeellll, some would say that the other woman/man already "inserted" themselves into your marriage by sleeping with your spouse. This would be just making YOU aware of YOUR business.

[Anonymous]

If it were me, I would want to know.

I don't understand all the MYOB people here.

Getting cheated on is bad enough. Getting lied to by a spouse is even worse. Getting lied to BY EVERYONE (i.e. everyone else that omits the information) is utterly humiliating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who say MYOB, if you were the aggrieved wife would you want to know the facts or just remain blissfully ignorant?

I would want to know the facts.

I would want to remain ignorant - depending on who was informing me. Truthfully, I would likely already KNOW something was amiss. But if it was a friend or a relative who I know sincerely cares about me AND will be there to help me pick up the pieces - they can tell me. A "friend" who has no sincere care about the aftermath and just "thinks I should know" can MYOFB!

Remaining ignorant is dangerous though. It's unlikely that this will be the last mistress. At least the wife can know something is going on with her husband and seek out counseling to fix the marriage. Also, with remaining ignorant their is a real risk to being blind sided with being left for a side piece.

I hear you...but my point is that I would not want to find out from the nosy busybody who is just trying to start crap. Here is the rub. If my best friend or sister sees somethng and decides to tell me, they KNOW the level of chaos and upheaval that my life will become and by telling me, they are implicity committing to being there for me as I work through it. They are vested too. The casual friend is just going to drop a bomb and go on with her life after she blows mine up.

So if the ramifications of the disclosure cause upheaval and the person revealing the information is not in a position to offer support, you would rather not know about it. I feel differently: I don't like being deceived and I'd want to know and deal with the consequences as opposed to just living a lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who say MYOB, if you were the aggrieved wife would you want to know the facts or just remain blissfully ignorant?

I would want to know the facts.

I would want to remain ignorant - depending on who was informing me. Truthfully, I would likely already KNOW something was amiss. But if it was a friend or a relative who I know sincerely cares about me AND will be there to help me pick up the pieces - they can tell me. A "friend" who has no sincere care about the aftermath and just "thinks I should know" can MYOFB!

Remaining ignorant is dangerous though. It's unlikely that this will be the last mistress. At least the wife can know something is going on with her husband and seek out counseling to fix the marriage. Also, with remaining ignorant their is a real risk to being blind sided with being left for a side piece.

I hear you...but my point is that I would not want to find out from the nosy busybody who is just trying to start crap. Here is the rub. If my best friend or sister sees somethng and decides to tell me, they KNOW the level of chaos and upheaval that my life will become and by telling me, they are implicity committing to being there for me as I work through it. They are vested too. The casual friend is just going to drop a bomb and go on with her life after she blows mine up.

Nope. Sister/Bff might not be there for you either. You don't give this news to someone with the expectations that you will also help them to handle the news. It is their news to handle. In fact, it may be easier to hear it from someone who is not so tied up with you because it is way easier to tell someone like that f*ck off. And the person won't care if you do say that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it were me, I would want to know.

I don't understand all the MYOB people here.

Getting cheated on is bad enough. Getting lied to by a spouse is even worse. Getting lied to BY EVERYONE (i.e. everyone else that omits the information) is utterly humiliating.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who say MYOB, if you were the aggrieved wife would you want to know the facts or just remain blissfully ignorant?

I would want to know the facts.

I'll bite and maybe this isn't popular but I don't think its anyone else's place, ever, to insert themselves into my marriage. I think barring serious abuse where getting someone out is paramount to survival/ health (NO you can't talk infidelity into that category) then it is really a shit thing to do to try to tell me what I should or shouldn't know. Either I find out or I don't but that really doesn't effect your life after you get your little "moment" in. So why does anyone feel the right to insert themselves?

Weeellll, some would say that the other woman/man already "inserted" themselves into your marriage by sleeping with your spouse. This would be just making YOU aware of YOUR business.

yes and no.

She didn't insert anything that wasn't invited by the spouse, I don't think OW or OM are saints but I honestly think they are not at ALL what is the issue in the case of infidelity. So, in some ways, I totally get you and in others I still believe what I said. I'm not inviting you into my marriage to "tell me my business", just because he invited you for sleeping with him does not mean I think you have the right to insert yourself into my life with any such conversation.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are the OW, tell her husband that either he fesses up to his wife or you will tell her.

It puts the onus on him to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who say MYOB, if you were the aggrieved wife would you want to know the facts or just remain blissfully ignorant?

I would want to know the facts.

I would want to remain ignorant - depending on who was informing me. Truthfully, I would likely already KNOW something was amiss. But if it was a friend or a relative who I know sincerely cares about me AND will be there to help me pick up the pieces - they can tell me. A "friend" who has no sincere care about the aftermath and just "thinks I should know" can MYOFB!

Remaining ignorant is dangerous though. It's unlikely that this will be the last mistress. At least the wife can know something is going on with her husband and seek out counseling to fix the marriage. Also, with remaining ignorant their is a real risk to being blind sided with being left for a side piece.

I hear you...but my point is that I would not want to find out from the nosy busybody who is just trying to start crap. Here is the rub. If my best friend or sister sees somethng and decides to tell me, they KNOW the level of chaos and upheaval that my life will become and by telling me, they are implicity committing to being there for me as I work through it. They are vested too. The casual friend is just going to drop a bomb and go on with her life after she blows mine up.

So if the ramifications of the disclosure cause upheaval and the person revealing the information is not in a position to offer support, you would rather not know about it. I feel differently: I don't like being deceived and I'd want to know and deal with the consequences as opposed to just living a lie.

To each her own. The info is what is important to you. I cannot knock that. Would be simpler if I were like that. My problem is that I look at motivation and that is why I say WHO is telling is important. Is it that "friend" who gossips behind my back or the one whose marriage is a mess but wants to rat out mine? But the way I am wired is that I would likely already KNOW something was amiss. I mean if my DH had another residence somwhere that I was not aware of, that would make me pretty clueless. I am not that clueless.

People say that the wife has the right to know - and I agree that is true. What's murkier is whether we have the right to tell her. I mean, we all tell ourselves that we would be doing a good deed...but I am not so sure. True story from my hometown. My parents' neighbor knew his buddy's wife was cheating. He told the DH and the DH killed his wife and attempted to kill the other guy. To this day, he tells my parents that he regrets that he said something because no good came from it.

[Anonymous]

OP is clearly the OW.

You got burnt and clearly want revenge on the dude. If you're absolutely set on that, try to find a way that doesn't hurt the wife, who did nothing to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who say MYOB, if you were the aggrieved wife would you want to know the facts or just remain blissfully ignorant?

I would want to know the facts.

I'll bite and maybe this isn't popular but I don't think its anyone else's place, ever, to insert themselves into my marriage. I think barring serious abuse where getting someone out is paramount to survival/ health (NO you can't talk infidelity into that category) then it is really a shit thing to do to try to tell me what I should or shouldn't know. Either I find out or I don't but that really doesn't effect your life after you get your little "moment" in. So why does anyone feel the right to insert themselves?

Weeellll, some would say that the other woman/man already "inserted" themselves into your marriage by sleeping with your spouse. This would be just making YOU aware of YOUR business.

yes and no.

She didn't insert anything that wasn't invited by the spouse, I don't think OW or OM are saints but I honestly think they are not at ALL what is the issue in the case of infidelity. So, in some ways, I totally get you and in others I still believe what I said. I'm not inviting you into my marriage to "tell me my business", just because he invited you for sleeping with him does not mean I think you have the right to insert yourself into my life with any such conversation.

You have very compartmentalized thinking. Almost like you think that by denying object permanency, an object only exists as long as you can see it. You should know that your husband is your husband even when he is not with you. When another woman touches him that is your business.

[Anonymous]

One-night-stand -- leave well enough alone.

Double life -- this DH is totally crazy and the DW needs to be told.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who say MYOB, if you were the aggrieved wife would you want to know the facts or just remain blissfully ignorant?

I would want to know the facts.

I would want to remain ignorant - depending on who was informing me. Truthfully, I would likely already KNOW something was amiss. But if it was a friend or a relative who I know sincerely cares about me AND will be there to help me pick up the pieces - they can tell me. A "friend" who has no sincere care about the aftermath and just "thinks I should know" can MYOFB!

Remaining ignorant is dangerous though. It's unlikely that this will be the last mistress. At least the wife can know something is going on with her husband and seek out counseling to fix the marriage. Also, with remaining ignorant their is a real risk to being blind sided with being left for a side piece.

I hear you...but my point is that I would not want to find out from the nosy busybody who is just trying to start crap. Here is the rub. If my best friend or sister sees somethng and decides to tell me, they KNOW the level of chaos and upheaval that my life will become and by telling me, they are implicity committing to being there for me as I work through it. They are vested too. The casual friend is just going to drop a bomb and go on with her life after she blows mine up.

So if the ramifications of the disclosure cause upheaval and the person revealing the information is not in a position to offer support, you would rather not know about it. I feel differently: I don't like being deceived and I'd want to know and deal with the consequences as opposed to just living a lie.

To each her own. The info is what is important to you. I cannot knock that. Would be simpler if I were like that. My problem is that I look at motivation and that is why I say WHO is telling is important. Is it that "friend" who gossips behind my back or the one whose marriage is a mess but wants to rat out mine? But the way I am wired is that I would likely already KNOW something was amiss. I mean if my DH had another residence somwhere that I was not aware of, that would make me pretty clueless. I am not that clueless.

People say that the wife has the right to know - and I agree that is true. What's murkier is whether we have the right to tell her. I mean, we all tell ourselves that we would be doing a good deed...but I am not so sure. True story from my hometown. My parents' neighbor knew his buddy's wife was cheating. He told the DH and the DH killed his wife and attempted to kill the other guy. To this day, he tells my parents that he regrets that he said something because no good came from it.

I'm the poster up thread about how I have trouble with thinking anyone has a right to insert themselves into my marriage with these conversations (yes even if they are the person who has been "inserted" by my spouse- pun fully intended BTW). This person articulated this better than I could have and I think that this is why there is no "right" answer to this question. I have issues with the person thinking they have the right to sit me down to tell me these things. Obv. I would have issue with the actual acts even more but I also think that its not anyone's right to give information about my marriage except me and DH.

[Anonymous]

MYOB

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who say MYOB, if you were the aggrieved wife would you want to know the facts or just remain blissfully ignorant?

I would want to know the facts.

I would want to remain ignorant - depending on who was informing me. Truthfully, I would likely already KNOW something was amiss. But if it was a friend or a relative who I know sincerely cares about me AND will be there to help me pick up the pieces - they can tell me. A "friend" who has no sincere care about the aftermath and just "thinks I should know" can MYOFB!

Remaining ignorant is dangerous though. It's unlikely that this will be the last mistress. At least the wife can know something is going on with her husband and seek out counseling to fix the marriage. Also, with remaining ignorant their is a real risk to being blind sided with being left for a side piece.

I hear you...but my point is that I would not want to find out from the nosy busybody who is just trying to start crap. Here is the rub. If my best friend or sister sees somethng and decides to tell me, they KNOW the level of chaos and upheaval that my life will become and by telling me, they are implicity committing to being there for me as I work through it. They are vested too. The casual friend is just going to drop a bomb and go on with her life after she blows mine up.

Nope. Sister/Bff might not be there for you either. You don't give this news to someone with the expectations that you will also help them to handle the news. It is their news to handle. In fact, it may be easier to hear it from someone who is not so tied up with you because it is way easier to tell someone like that f*ck off. And the person won't care if you do say that.

MY sister and MY BF would - of course I cannot speak for anyone elses'. Look if you want to find out that way, that's fine. No criticism or judgment from me. I am just not wired that way.