Do you tell the wife that her wonderful husband cheated on her for two years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I AM aware. I went through it!! I hate to be snarky, but you are lecturing someone who has lived through a cheating spouse. I am simply giving you another perspective. I have the benefit of understanding 100% how a woman would feel discovering that and, yes, that would impact my decision to tell someone about their spouse. Hypotheitcal: Would you tell someone if you had a strong feeling that they would harm themselves, the spouse or the AP? Would you tell someone that you knew would fly off the deep end emotionally? All I am saying is that this an emotional, highly charged issue that involves real people. I just do not think the "right" to tell her is absolute and always the best thing to do.

That being said, I do not begrudge anyone who feels differently. IMO, our differeing opinions illustrate just how complicated this issue can be.

Yes. I would prefer to tell them in a matter of fact, private and compassionate way. I would have no control over what they did with the information but this idea that they will always find out only when and if they want to find out and on their own terms is ludicrous. This bomb has the potential to go off at any moment - any time, any place, anywhere. Just because you keep it a deep dark secret doesn't make it any less true or any less volatile.

Better to hear it privately, calm and matter of fact. That is just my opinion.

And that to me signifies the issue. How can be sure you are doing the right thing if you do not know how the info will be received? You are essentially saying that you would tell the person and you think that you have no moral accountability for telling her. That is the specific type of person that I would NOT want telling me. Frankly, I do not think you have the right to impose information on people without consequence nor do you have the right to decide what is ludicrous in someone else's marriage. In situations like this, what you want and what you think the DW should want are not the priority. I would hope that you would have enough "compassion" to make a determination as whether telling her is the right thing to do under the specific circumstances.

NP, you NEVER know how someone will receive emotionally devastating info. But that does NOT relieve me, as a close friend or family member, of the responsibility to tell them they're being deceived! The cheating spouse is the one who planted the poisonous seeds and broke trust. I would be livid if I found out a close friend/relative knew of my spouse or significant other cheating on me and didn't tell me.

Of course the impact is heavy and the fallout usually tremendous. But that is all predictably a part of what happens when a spouse cheats. The damage is done in the cheating, and the exposure is awful but the exposure is NOT the wrong. The cheating is.

But you are making the SAME qualifications that I made in my first post. If it my BF or a relative I would want and expect them to tell me. Because I would know that they truly have my best interests at heart and they will likely have a good idea as to how I would receive such information and tailor the message accordingly. I found out about my husband's affair myself and I said that had someone else (a casual friend) told me, I might have killed my cheating husband. My BF and sister would have known HOW to tell me so that I would not have been hasty. What I was reacting to was the casual "friend" dropping the bombshell and the motivation behind that. I just think that if you make the decision to share that type of info with a "casual" friend, you do have a responsibility under those specific circumstances to ensure that you are doing the right thing. I questioned the OP's motives and I was not alone. It is just not the black and white issue to me that it is to you and that is fine. Would tell a woman who was 7 months pregnant in a diffcult pregnancy? How about a woman who just lost a parent? Telling her when YOU think is appropriate is not always the compassionate thing to do. Timing and specific circumstances do matter.

Why would a casual friend have ANY motivation in telling you OTHER than to want you to KNOW as they WOULD want to know in a "we're all in this sisterhood together" kind of way? I am baffled that women think just because a casual friend is the one to tell you that your husband is cheating that they have some malicious motivation other than just WANTING YOU NOT TO BE SHIT ON.

Have you read the whole thread?? Numerous examples have been given. Not all women have the good intentions that you have and that underscores the basic premise that people are different - it is NOT a black and white issue.

[Anonymous]

To the above...

Yes, I have read the entire thread and I saw the examples assuming the worst of people. My question is still why is it not okay to tell simply out of sisterhood and wanting the other person to know she is being shit on?

[Anonymous]

All I can say is that if you are going to say something to the wife, please be specific and do it because you are coming from a good place. I got an anonymous email once claiming that my husband cheated. No details about who, when, where etc and when I responded all I got back was riddles and mean-spirited things, i.e. "think about who he knows in the office", "not everything that happens at work is stressful, it can be quite enjoyable", "has anyone given him a present lately" etc. It was really stressful and horrible and took me a long time to get over. There was never any evidence and I ultimately decided to move on, but it still haunts me at times. To this day I don't know who did this. Oh, and I was 7 months pregnant with a high risk pregnancy too...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the above...

Yes, I have read the entire thread and I saw the examples assuming the worst of people. My question is still why is it not okay to tell simply out of sisterhood and wanting the other person to know she is being shit on?

It is OK in most cases - but not all. To puppet myself, I would not tell a woman who is in late pregnancy and I would not tell a person who just lost a parent - at least not then! To me, "sisterhood" is more than telling a woman that her man has cheated. To me, it is having the compassion to understand the revealing what you know might not always be the right thing to do right then. IMHO, saying that "there will be chaos whenever she finds out, so I am going to tell her now" or "I don't know how she will react and it may unleash holy hell on her given all she has on her plate, but I going to tell her out of sisterhood" is not compassionate to me. Of course, the cheater is ultimately to blame but a lack of consideration by the messenger can make an awful situation much worse.

As far as assuming the worst in people, there are "associates" in my social circle that I KNOW would not have my best interests in mind based on experiences with them. If they told me my DH was cheating, it would be difficult for me to automatically think their motives were sincere - there is a history there. And some people just want to see the (your) world burn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the above...

Yes, I have read the entire thread and I saw the examples assuming the worst of people. My question is still why is it not okay to tell simply out of sisterhood and wanting the other person to know she is being shit on?

It is OK in most cases - but not all. To puppet myself, I would not tell a woman who is in late pregnancy and I would not tell a person who just lost a parent - at least not then! To me, "sisterhood" is more than telling a woman that her man has cheated. To me, it is having the compassion to understand the revealing what you know might not always be the right thing to do right then. IMHO, saying that "there will be chaos whenever she finds out, so I am going to tell her now" or "I don't know how she will react and it may unleash holy hell on her given all she has on her plate, but I going to tell her out of sisterhood" is not compassionate to me. Of course, the cheater is ultimately to blame but a lack of consideration by the messenger can make an awful situation much worse.

As far as assuming the worst in people, there are "associates" in my social circle that I KNOW would not have my best interests in mind based on experiences with them. If they told me my DH was cheating, it would be difficult for me to automatically think their motives were sincere - there is a history there. And some people just want to see the (your) world burn.

Okay, but again, why is your concern with the messengers motive and not focused on your cheating spouse? What is confusing me is why so many people are concerned with the motives of the person giving the message and NOT the fact the person they married is the one breaking a vow.

And yes, I get the pregnancy thing and the dead parent thing. This isn't about the person relaying the news. To me I am reading over and over and over again that wives prefer to have a reason NOT to know what their husbands are doing wrong and that in doing so they can place blame on the intentions of the person telling them. If the intentions of the person telling them are not 100% angelic and compassionate then it is okay for the spouse to cheat and the wife to not be told.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Amazing how easily women are manipulated by men who cheat on them and their wives.

We never hear of men being manipulated by women who tell them they are single when they are actually married.

Two reasons. I think a married woman would have no problem finding a guy just in it for the sex that doesn't want a relationship - doesn't that describe a good percentage of the 18-28 year old guys? Second is if she is working full-time plus kids, and is doing most of the heavy lifting at home, when does she have time and energy? It would have to be a co-worker and chances are he would know her marital status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the above...

Yes, I have read the entire thread and I saw the examples assuming the worst of people. My question is still why is it not okay to tell simply out of sisterhood and wanting the other person to know she is being shit on?

It is OK in most cases - but not all. To puppet myself, I would not tell a woman who is in late pregnancy and I would not tell a person who just lost a parent - at least not then! To me, "sisterhood" is more than telling a woman that her man has cheated. To me, it is having the compassion to understand the revealing what you know might not always be the right thing to do right then. IMHO, saying that "there will be chaos whenever she finds out, so I am going to tell her now" or "I don't know how she will react and it may unleash holy hell on her given all she has on her plate, but I going to tell her out of sisterhood" is not compassionate to me. Of course, the cheater is ultimately to blame but a lack of consideration by the messenger can make an awful situation much worse.

As far as assuming the worst in people, there are "associates" in my social circle that I KNOW would not have my best interests in mind based on experiences with them. If they told me my DH was cheating, it would be difficult for me to automatically think their motives were sincere - there is a history there. And some people just want to see the (your) world burn.

Okay, but again, why is your concern with the messengers motive and not focused on your cheating spouse? What is confusing me is why so many people are concerned with the motives of the person giving the message and NOT the fact the person they married is the one breaking a vow.

And yes, I get the pregnancy thing and the dead parent thing. This isn't about the person relaying the news. To me I am reading over and over and over again that wives prefer to have a reason NOT to know what their husbands are doing wrong and that in doing so they can place blame on the intentions of the person telling them. If the intentions of the person telling them are not 100% angelic and compassionate then it is okay for the spouse to cheat and the wife to not be told.

So I can only be concerned about one thing? My DH would catch hell - and the one who cheated on me did. That would be my FIRST stop - not my only one! Depending on how they told me, if I knew that the messenger was the type of person who liked to start shit then that person would likely feel my wrath at some point. I can give you two examples. My cousin was being cheated on by her husband. Her co-worker knew (it was her sister) and revealed the affair in the break room at the job (with other people present) after telling other co-workers that my cousin "was getting full of herself." My friend was "told" by another friend in our social circle who texted my friend a pic of her DH out with another woman with the caption "not the prince you thought he was, huh?" So, yea motive matters when it is designed to fvck with me. To me, that was the OP's motive.

All I am saying is I would hope that a "friend" would look at the big picture in deciding if and when to tell me. It is not a cut and dry issue to me. That is all I am saying.

[Anonymous]

So text the wife from a burner phone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So text the wife from a burner phone?

No, that happened to me - anonymous email - and it was just mean and horrible. I to this day have no idea if whoever did it was telling the truth or just being spiteful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So text the wife from a burner phone?

No, that happened to me - anonymous email - and it was just mean and horrible. I to this day have no idea if whoever did it was telling the truth or just being spiteful.

You don't know if your spouse cheated on you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I can say is that if you are going to say something to the wife, please be specific and do it because you are coming from a good place. I got an anonymous email once claiming that my husband cheated. No details about who, when, where etc and when I responded all I got back was riddles and mean-spirited things, i.e. "think about who he knows in the office", "not everything that happens at work is stressful, it can be quite enjoyable", "has anyone given him a present lately" etc. It was really stressful and horrible and took me a long time to get over. There was never any evidence and I ultimately decided to move on, but it still haunts me at times. To this day I don't know who did this. Oh, and I was 7 months pregnant with a high risk pregnancy too...

This sounds like me. It nearly killed me, and I was six months along a high-risk pregnancy. I thought I would lose the baby.

NEVER ever ever send an anonymous note to someone about anything. It's cowardly, it's unethical, and it's just a horrible thing for a human being to do to someone else. It's abhorrent to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I can say is that if you are going to say something to the wife, please be specific and do it because you are coming from a good place. I got an anonymous email once claiming that my husband cheated. No details about who, when, where etc and when I responded all I got back was riddles and mean-spirited things, i.e. "think about who he knows in the office", "not everything that happens at work is stressful, it can be quite enjoyable", "has anyone given him a present lately" etc. It was really stressful and horrible and took me a long time to get over. There was never any evidence and I ultimately decided to move on, but it still haunts me at times. To this day I don't know who did this. Oh, and I was 7 months pregnant with a high risk pregnancy too...

This sounds like me. It nearly killed me, and I was six months along a high-risk pregnancy. I thought I would lose the baby.

NEVER ever ever send an anonymous note to someone about anything. It's cowardly, it's unethical, and it's just a horrible thing for a human being to do to someone else. It's abhorrent to me.

Could you check the IP address of the email & see where it originated from or who sent it?

[Anonymous]

Meaning NO email is truly anonymous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I AM aware. I went through it!! I hate to be snarky, but you are lecturing someone who has lived through a cheating spouse. I am simply giving you another perspective. I have the benefit of understanding 100% how a woman would feel discovering that and, yes, that would impact my decision to tell someone about their spouse. Hypotheitcal: Would you tell someone if you had a strong feeling that they would harm themselves, the spouse or the AP? Would you tell someone that you knew would fly off the deep end emotionally? All I am saying is that this an emotional, highly charged issue that involves real people. I just do not think the "right" to tell her is absolute and always the best thing to do.

That being said, I do not begrudge anyone who feels differently. IMO, our differeing opinions illustrate just how complicated this issue can be.

Yes. I would prefer to tell them in a matter of fact, private and compassionate way. I would have no control over what they did with the information but this idea that they will always find out only when and if they want to find out and on their own terms is ludicrous. This bomb has the potential to go off at any moment - any time, any place, anywhere. Just because you keep it a deep dark secret doesn't make it any less true or any less volatile.

Better to hear it privately, calm and matter of fact. That is just my opinion.

And that to me signifies the issue. How can be sure you are doing the right thing if you do not know how the info will be received? You are essentially saying that you would tell the person and you think that you have no moral accountability for telling her. That is the specific type of person that I would NOT want telling me. Frankly, I do not think you have the right to impose information on people without consequence nor do you have the right to decide what is ludicrous in someone else's marriage. In situations like this, what you want and what you think the DW should want are not the priority. I would hope that you would have enough "compassion" to make a determination as whether telling her is the right thing to do under the specific circumstances.

NP, you NEVER know how someone will receive emotionally devastating info. But that does NOT relieve me, as a close friend or family member, of the responsibility to tell them they're being deceived! The cheating spouse is the one who planted the poisonous seeds and broke trust. I would be livid if I found out a close friend/relative knew of my spouse or significant other cheating on me and didn't tell me.

Of course the impact is heavy and the fallout usually tremendous. But that is all predictably a part of what happens when a spouse cheats. The damage is done in the cheating, and the exposure is awful but the exposure is NOT the wrong. The cheating is.

But you are making the SAME qualifications that I made in my first post. If it my BF or a relative I would want and expect them to tell me. Because I would know that they truly have my best interests at heart and they will likely have a good idea as to how I would receive such information and tailor the message accordingly. I found out about my husband's affair myself and I said that had someone else (a casual friend) told me, I might have killed my cheating husband. My BF and sister would have known HOW to tell me so that I would not have been hasty. What I was reacting to was the casual "friend" dropping the bombshell and the motivation behind that. I just think that if you make the decision to share that type of info with a "casual" friend, you do have a responsibility under those specific circumstances to ensure that you are doing the right thing. I questioned the OP's motives and I was not alone. It is just not the black and white issue to me that it is to you and that is fine. Would tell a woman who was 7 months pregnant in a diffcult pregnancy? How about a woman who just lost a parent? Telling her when YOU think is appropriate is not always the compassionate thing to do. Timing and specific circumstances do matter.

Why would a casual friend have ANY motivation in telling you OTHER than to want you to KNOW as they WOULD want to know in a "we're all in this sisterhood together" kind of way? I am baffled that women think just because a casual friend is the one to tell you that your husband is cheating that they have some malicious motivation other than just WANTING YOU NOT TO BE SHIT ON.

Have you read the whole thread?? Numerous examples have been given. Not all women have the good intentions that you have and that underscores the basic premise that people are different - it is NOT a black and white issue.

So? It doesn't matter what their intentions are; the issue is the deceit.

You sound like a person who cares more about style than substance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I can say is that if you are going to say something to the wife, please be specific and do it because you are coming from a good place. I got an anonymous email once claiming that my husband cheated. No details about who, when, where etc and when I responded all I got back was riddles and mean-spirited things, i.e. "think about who he knows in the office", "not everything that happens at work is stressful, it can be quite enjoyable", "has anyone given him a present lately" etc. It was really stressful and horrible and took me a long time to get over. There was never any evidence and I ultimately decided to move on, but it still haunts me at times. To this day I don't know who did this. Oh, and I was 7 months pregnant with a high risk pregnancy too...

This sounds like me. It nearly killed me, and I was six months along a high-risk pregnancy. I thought I would lose the baby.

NEVER ever ever send an anonymous note to someone about anything. It's cowardly, it's unethical, and it's just a horrible thing for a human being to do to someone else. It's abhorrent to me.

You are being dramatic.

An anonymous email giving you specifics, so that you could figure it out yourself would be perfectly acceptable to me.

An anonymous email with riddles - yeah that's b.s. and I would toss it.