Do you tell the wife that her wonderful husband cheated on her for two years?

[Anonymous]

You're not getting it. Some people do not want the truth. It's not your place to decide that for them. If they want it, they can seek it out for themselves.

[Anonymous]

OP, here is a little bit on anger and aggression and how it relates to the loss of control...

https://books.google.com/books?id=PRThK4kq5xUC&pg=PA297&lpg=PA297&dq=anger+is+caused+by+a+perceived+loss+of+control+over+factors+affecting+important+values.&source=bl&ots=836eql0YfF&sig=999_lZFmfxI2_jxUO38z3Bmi9Zw&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0CCQQ6AEwAWoVChMIgr-e17GhyAIVAe0eCh1_AQ7g#v=onepage&q=anger%20is%20caused%20by%20a%20perceived%20loss%20of%20control%20over%20factors%20affecting%20important%20values.&f=false

hopefully that link works.. but highlights are this...

Anger is an emotion that focuses on getting control... anger is caused by a perceived loss of control over factors affecting important values

Hostility is not accepting reality.... hostility is doing something desperate to get things right

Hostility hurts you and others... the only healthy response to a "done deed" is to accept it and try to understand it.

self-actualized people accept life's hardships and people's shortcomings


It's not easy to do at first, to move on. It's not easy to not obsess over the wrong and want to right it. That is why counseling is good, because learning this stuff is hard. We were not taught this in school or by our parents.



I am sorry this was done to you... even for the OW that was knowlingly the OW or if you carried on the affair even after you found out he was married, you are only human. Learn from this and move on to good things and good people.

You were wronged. But you just need to accept it and move on.. you can't unring this bell, you can't make it right.

[Anonymous]

I read the whole post and one thing I don't understand is why OP (the OW) cares whether strangers think she is a stalker or not. This guy lied to her and to his wife and presumably will continue to lie to make himself look better.

OP shouldn't care what strangers think of her. However, if OP knows these women and is upset they think she is a crazy stalker -- then OP should have also known that this guy was married. Something doesn't add up here.

OP, you can tell the wife or not. She may or may not believe you -- that is her choice. If you do tell her, simply present the information to her. She can choose to corroborate it or not. She can choose to stay or leave. But don't do it with malice. You are angry at this man who lied to you, not his wife.

You should also look at yourself and ask if there were signs that he was married that you had ignored. If you look within yourself, you will see that perhaps you didn't want to really know the truth about him either.

It's a difficult situation. I was the wife who was cheated on (by a man who had a separate condo and girlfriend without my knowledge). I really didn't know. Eventually he came clean and told me. Looking back on it -- there were some signs. I was glad to know the truth. I left and am happier now. However, I don't know whether I would have wanted someone else to tell me any earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Create an anonymous email or facebook account and tell the wife. Give her enough clues to figure it out herself (your husband was here on this night with another woman) and then move on.

+1 this.

-1. If you are going to bow up the family's life, be adult enough to own up to it. The woman has the right to know WHO is telling her. Heck, the DW may have follow-up questions. If you feel you need cover in order to tell, don't tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read the whole post and one thing I don't understand is why OP (the OW) cares whether strangers think she is a stalker or not. This guy lied to her and to his wife and presumably will continue to lie to make himself look better.

OP shouldn't care what strangers think of her. However, if OP knows these women and is upset they think she is a crazy stalker -- then OP should have also known that this guy was married. Something doesn't add up here.

OP, you can tell the wife or not. She may or may not believe you -- that is her choice. If you do tell her, simply present the information to her. She can choose to corroborate it or not. She can choose to stay or leave. But don't do it with malice. You are angry at this man who lied to you, not his wife.

You should also look at yourself and ask if there were signs that he was married that you had ignored. If you look within yourself, you will see that perhaps you didn't want to really know the truth about him either.

It's a difficult situation. I was the wife who was cheated on (by a man who had a separate condo and girlfriend without my knowledge). I really didn't know. Eventually he came clean and told me. Looking back on it -- there were some signs. I was glad to know the truth. I left and am happier now. However, I don't know whether I would have wanted someone else to tell me any earlier.

If an unfair was happening right in front of your nose and you thought that the wife had no clue about it would you say something? Or would you figure that it wasn't your place to tell?

I approach this from more of a philosophical angle - as in, would I want to know if I were being cheated on? I think that, yes, I would. But how do I know that for sure? You've lived through it so it would be interesting to know if you would just keep your mouth shut in that situation,

[Anonymous]

Unfair = Affair. Haha. Freudian slip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not getting it. Some people do not want the truth. It's not your place to decide that for them. If they want it, they can seek it out for themselves.

What makes you think that they even suspect that something is up? Maybe they have no clue. Certainly if the guy is spending big $$ on a condo that she is not even aware of....she should know, right?

[Anonymous]

Some of you are hell bent on imposing a "would I want to know?" standard. I suspect that many of you saying that have never been in this situation. Although that standard is legitimate, I am just not sure that should be the basis on which you tell someone else. Imputing AND imposing your sensibilties on others is a dangerous thing. My 1st husband cheated on me. I suspected some things and after some serious soul searching, I decided to take steps to get the information to confirm it. But that was MY power to make that decison. It was not some bombshell that someone dropped in my lap and walked away. During the thought process involved in making my decision, I was able to think about "what if's" and different solutions. By the time my suspicions were confirmed, I had a game plan in place. If some friend had told me, I would NOT have reacted well to that friend. Because as one PP said, you have now made it so I HAVE to do something and a lot of that will be driven by the fact that, in my mind, other people know. So I may feel forced to make decisions to save face when those choices may not be in my best interest.

I guess my point is that if you decide to tell, do not automatically assume that you are doing the DW a favor. And do not expect her to be appreciative of waht you have done. Depenind on your relationship to her, that relationship will likely be over. Tell if you must, but be prepared. There will be backlash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are hell bent on imposing a "would I want to know?" standard. I suspect that many of you saying that have never been in this situation. Although that standard is legitimate, I am just not sure that should be the basis on which you tell someone else. Imputing AND imposing your sensibilties on others is a dangerous thing. My 1st husband cheated on me. I suspected some things and after some serious soul searching, I decided to take steps to get the information to confirm it. But that was MY power to make that decison. It was not some bombshell that someone dropped in my lap and walked away. During the thought process involved in making my decision, I was able to think about "what if's" and different solutions. By the time my suspicions were confirmed, I had a game plan in place. If some friend had told me, I would NOT have reacted well to that friend. Because as one PP said, you have now made it so I HAVE to do something and a lot of that will be driven by the fact that, in my mind, other people know. So I may feel forced to make decisions to save face when those choices may not be in my best interest.

I guess my point is that if you decide to tell, do not automatically assume that you are doing the DW a favor. And do not expect her to be appreciative of waht you have done. Depenind on your relationship to her, that relationship will likely be over. Tell if you must, but be prepared. There will be backlash.

So you would rather for a friend not to tell you and let the affair go on and have more and more people find out about it. Have them whispering and tsk, tsking about it behind your clueless back?

If your dh was being discrete about it, this friend wouldn't know about it. And if this friend knows about it - other people do to. The only one who doesn't know about YOUR business is YOU.

[Anonymous]

A friend who would tell their own friend about something like that has their own selfish reasons for not doing so. They are not protecting anyone.

[Anonymous]

who would NOT tell their own friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:who would NOT tell their own friend

It's not a friend its an OW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was being portrayed as some sort of crazy stalker who pounced on a married man, yep, I would set the record straight. Everyone is going to be sympathetic to the wife who was cheated on but that does not mean that *I* deserve scorn or ill will towards *ME*. Plus, she really should know that her husband is duping unsuspecting women like that.

You care what a complete stranger thinks about you. You know the wife is a complete stranger, you don't know her at all.

Would you walk up to a complete stranger on the street and tell them your story?

If I got the sense that she was bad mouthing me and making my name mud in her circle of lady friends. You bet I would try to talk to her because obviously she is not some random stranger, she is the wronged wife who is pissed off specifically at *ME*. And I would not deserve that kind of animosity directed at me. She would deserve to know exactly what her husband did - I'm not talking about bedroom specifics, I am talking about the way he manipulated/duped an innocent woman into being the other woman. I would also want her to know that I was very, very sorry and would never have willingly participated in a deception like that. Maybe it would make her feel better that she was not the only one who was hurt by this man. I don't know.

You are putting yourself in the middle of a marriage. Even though originally it was unknowingly, not it is intentionally. You now need to step away and accept the consequences even if that means a bunch of women are talking behind your back. She is a random stranger, the only reason she is not a stranger (in your mind) is because you slept with her husband and he told you a bunch of lies about her.

You are too close to this situation to make rational decisions. You need to step away from this for at least 6 months.

If you said, I want to send a note to the wife that say, i had no idea Joe was married period, nothing else, that is one thing... but you are determined to make sure the wife knows her husband is a terrible human being. That is not your job or your place.

No ... it does not make her feel better that you are hurt too. She does not know you, she does not care about you. Mostly she only cares about her kids.

All APs lie. All men lie to the OW, the wife already knows you were used and tossed like a piece of trash, she knows her H is capable of that. Welcome to affairs.

You were used. That sucks. Deal with it within your own support group. Get out of this triad.

So in your view, the wife already knows that her marriage is crap and that her husband is capable of this sort of thing. But she prefers to keep up appearances for the children's sake. O.k. I can see that might be the case for some women. Not all marriages are good marriages.

Maybe. Or she realizes her husband is crap and is getting her ducks in a row before she takes him to the cleaners. Or she realizes her husband has issues and she will stick it out to see if he can get counseling and resolve his issues. or she was abused as a child and this type of treatment is normal to her and she needs counseling.

You don't know her. I don't know her. This is something she needs to deal with herself. The OW needs to deal with her betrayal herself. It's as simple as that.

I am old. I know about multiple friends that have been cheated on or cheated on their spouse. I have been friends with the cheater, the cheated on and the OW. I love them all .. no matter how damaged they have been at different stages of their life.

I don't think the OW sucks, she was a victim (in this case), but she does need to go away and take care of herself.
I don't think the cheater is the most horrible person in the world but he needs to get some help and change his ways, or he needs to exit stage left and let his wife heal (and leave the OW alone).
I don't think the wife is a just staying for the children and saving face, I suspect she is just trying to get by one day at a time and seeing if she can salvage something. (Generally, wives are told not to make any major decisions the 1st 8 weeks.)

best, most balanced and sane view of these things I have EVER seen on this site!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:who would NOT tell their own friend

It's not a friend its an OW.

Yeah. Pp was saying if "some friend" told her she would not be happy about it. If the OW told her instead she could choose to believe she was a nutso stalker, right?

Personally, I can not imagine not wanting to know something so significant about my own life. We aren't talking about a regrettable ONS, we're talking about a 2 year affair that the dh has been in. It might be helpful for the wife to know that the OW is as hurt and angry about the whole thing as the wife is and that the OW is not wanting this jerk back. If the wife chooses to work things out and stay with him so be it.

Also, of OW was clueless you can about bet that LOTS of other people do know about this affair. Why on earth wouldn't they? She probably has his damned picture hanging in her cubicle at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are hell bent on imposing a "would I want to know?" standard. I suspect that many of you saying that have never been in this situation. Although that standard is legitimate, I am just not sure that should be the basis on which you tell someone else. Imputing AND imposing your sensibilties on others is a dangerous thing. My 1st husband cheated on me. I suspected some things and after some serious soul searching, I decided to take steps to get the information to confirm it. But that was MY power to make that decison. It was not some bombshell that someone dropped in my lap and walked away. During the thought process involved in making my decision, I was able to think about "what if's" and different solutions. By the time my suspicions were confirmed, I had a game plan in place. If some friend had told me, I would NOT have reacted well to that friend. Because as one PP said, you have now made it so I HAVE to do something and a lot of that will be driven by the fact that, in my mind, other people know. So I may feel forced to make decisions to save face when those choices may not be in my best interest.

I guess my point is that if you decide to tell, do not automatically assume that you are doing the DW a favor. And do not expect her to be appreciative of waht you have done. Depenind on your relationship to her, that relationship will likely be over. Tell if you must, but be prepared. There will be backlash.

So you would rather for a friend not to tell you and let the affair go on and have more and more people find out about it. Have them whispering and tsk, tsking about it behind your clueless back?

If your dh was being discrete about it, this friend wouldn't know about it. And if this friend knows about it - other people do to. The only one who doesn't know about YOUR business is YOU.

PP here.

No...TBH, as someone who was cheated on, I AM thankful that if someone did know, they did not tell me. Because I was able to make decisions at my own pace without the pressure of saving face. Like I said, I found out on my own, so I was not clueless. And if someone had told me, I would not have hailed that person as a hero. Sure, it is an emotional response, but it an emotional issue which is what I (and others) are trying to say.

You are expectiong people to think rationally and handle the info rationally. That is a mistake.