I've done so much more than he has in life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New man. He was married for 20 years and pretty much just did the family man thing that whole time. Meanwhile, I've been to grad school, travelled, have had relationships basically just done LOTS of stuff. He does have hobbies, friends and interests and he's very smart and we like the same types of things but I'm wondering will this imbalance in life experience be a problem?

Soooo, in this, your OP, you failed to mention that you had been married with 3 kids? You remembered grad school and relationships, and a LOT OF STUFF, but glossed over the 3 kids you were raising in between all the trips and classes?

Yes. The kids are the things we have in common. I was listing differences. Everyone is determined that I'm an ass. I give up. Also, I don't see spell check

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New man. He was married for 20 years and pretty much just did the family man thing that whole time. Meanwhile, I've been to grad school, travelled, have had relationships basically just done LOTS of stuff. He does have hobbies, friends and interests and he's very smart and we like the same types of things but I'm wondering will this imbalance in life experience be a problem?

Soooo, in this, your OP, you failed to mention that you had been married with 3 kids? You remembered grad school and relationships, and a LOT OF STUFF, but glossed over the 3 kids you were raising in between all the trips and classes?

Well, remember, he was "JUST" doing the family man thing. My guess is that this woman's three children are not much of a priority in her life as they didn't even rate above her exciting relationships and vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New man. He was married for 20 years and pretty much just did the family man thing that whole time. Meanwhile, I've been to grad school, travelled, have had relationships basically just done LOTS of stuff. He does have hobbies, friends and interests and he's very smart and we like the same types of things but I'm wondering will this imbalance in life experience be a problem?

Soooo, in this, your OP, you failed to mention that you had been married with 3 kids? You remembered grad school and relationships, and a LOT OF STUFF, but glossed over the 3 kids you were raising in between all the trips and classes?

Yes. The kids are the things we have in common. I was listing differences. Everyone is determined that I'm an ass. I give up. Also, I don't see spell check

The posters in this thread are being absurd. Glad you arent taking it seriously OP

It's best to just sit back, grab some popcorn, and watch as these people have a meltdown over "HOW CAN YOU THINK YOURE BETTER THEN ANYONE?!!?!?!?!?!"

It's crazy.

[Anonymous]

I think your concern is legit, OP. Too often, we dismiss our intuition about a relationship. I'd take it slow and see if these differences become more irritating over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not holier than thou. It's more like we come from different backgrounds. Different, not hierarchically ranked. It's like marrying into a different culture or religion. The question is about the effect of the difference NOT whether one person is better than the other because of the difference.
Also, there is no spell check on DCUM. Does anyone type their responses into word, spell check and then cut paste into the DCUM box? If not doing that makes me not detail oriented then... I guess you have me pegged.

I'm the international PP - many of my friends married people from other nationalities and some don't live in their home country. Unless you are somehow intolerant of different religions, languages, foods, you should be fine. The most important aspects of your life together would probably be parenting and finances. You need to be on the same page for those, and that has nothing to do with different backgrounds! My parents come from opposite sides of the globe, had wildly different upbringings, met when they had NO common language, yet were absolutely on the same page for raising kids and managing a household.

However, I'm sensing that all this is a smokescreen for something else - the fact you're just not that into him. It's a perfectly valid feeling, OP. You don't need to cloak it with something else.

Totally into him. Worried that being totally into him is clouding my judgement and our differences will be more significant down the road.

Well, then, you'll be fine. Did I tell you I married a man of a different culture who is 18 years older than me? We did not grow up with the same references (movies, books, food, standards, blah blah blah). Yet we are open-minded and flexible. If you are like this too, don't worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your concern is legit, OP. Too often, we dismiss our intuition about a relationship. I'd take it slow and see if these differences become more irritating over time.

Best advice in this thread.

[Anonymous]

NP here and I've read the update about you having 3 kids etc. I think it depends how front and central traveling is to your life now along with how adverse he is to traveling. If he never wants to leave his home town and you will never be happy staying in his home town (to live/retire), I don't see that working. You need to be able to agree on where to live at various stages of life. If traveling is an all consuming hobby of yours to the point that you would be neglecting your relationship if you always did it on your own and he had zero interest in joining you ...again a problem. You can fill in any all consuming hobby like he plays soccer every day after work, on the weekend and goes on soccer trips ...if not sharing the hobby means you would barely get to spend time with the person unless you are happy in a relationship where you never spend time together I don't see that working.

If it is anything other than those absolutes, it can work if everyone feels comfortable with his/her choices without putting the other person down. He didn't get a PhD and that's fine if that wasn't the right choice for him but he can't believe that only suckers go for advanced degrees or feel inferior that he didn't get one. You have a PhD, and while you are proud of your accomplishment you can't feel like you are unequally yoked if he doesn't have that same level of education. You have to be able to value/appreciate what he brings to the relationship rather than focusing on what he doesn't have/do and he has to be doing the same. Because you can appreciate the other person, you hopefully meet in the middle ground for some things like maybe he travels a little more because he knows you enjoys it and he appreciates your sense of adventure, but maybe you want to stay around his hometown a little more because you appreciate him being so grounded and able to enjoy some of the more simple things in life.

[Anonymous]

Only DCUM would gloss over the fact she said "I've done so much more than him in life" despite having similar familial backgrounds. Again, this place is a narcissm incubator.

[Anonymous]

I love how we had to get to page 7 for some actual useful advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only DCUM would gloss over the fact she said "I've done so much more than him in life" despite having similar familial backgrounds. Again, this place is a narcissm incubator.

I think her point is she's done more things than him even with three kids of her own. They just had different interests. Doesn't make the OP a narcissist. Snotty perhaps, but not a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

This is who OP found - nice man, good personality traits, probably treats her well. But he isn't the most worldly guy out there, may never be, and trying to figure out the cost/benefit to getting more deeply involved.

OP, people generally don't change. Accept him for who he is or go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't think much of the life he's chosen to lead up to this point, it will definitely be a problem for you and over time you might, unfairly, make it a problem for him.

This. You are coming off as judgmental, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He probably has experiences that you don't. There's a lot to be learned from staying the course and focusing on one thing for a very long time.

I think your dismissive attitude towards his life experiences is more likely to be the problem than any actual "imbalance".

+1. Best response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only DCUM would gloss over the fact she said "I've done so much more than him in life" despite having similar familial backgrounds. Again, this place is a narcissm incubator.

I think her point is she's done more things than him even with three kids of her own. They just had different interests. Doesn't make the OP a narcissist. Snotty perhaps, but not a narcissist.

Yeah, I don't get the idea she's a narcissist. More of an elitist.

Her problem is that (despite her attempted deflections) she views her different experiences as superior to his. She later tried to backtrack from that but the tone of her post clearly suggested that while she liked him, she was worried that his past wasn't up to her standards.

An aside, I do find it strange that it wasn't until page 4 that we learned of her children. Seems a big thing to leave out and makes me wonder whether OP is being fully up front, or just trying to save face following the initial onslaught of criticism. But I'm a naturally skeptical sort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your concern is legit, OP. Too often, we dismiss our intuition about a relationship. I'd take it slow and see if these differences become more irritating over time.

Best advice in this thread.

+2