I've done so much more than he has in life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I love the way everyone has just run with this. At the risk of being judged even more... actually, who am I kidding- Given the CERTAINTY of being judge even more, I'll correct a few things and add a few details:

I have also been married and have 3 children that I am now raising on my own, so I too have "brought life into this world" and "focussed on my marriage"

I have a PhD in economics.

It's the way he describes his life- rather than the way I perceive it- as having been very limited by his marriage.

He has lived his whole life in one small city and I have lived in many places. He was afraid to drive in DC when he came to visit recently.

I don't think I'm better than he is. He's smart, funny, cool, competent. We are compatable on many levels. Totally on the same level mentally.

I'm just worried that I will always "have done" stuff that is new to him.

And finally, I was looking for been there, done that advice rather than judgement (wrong venue, I know!)

You have a Ph.D in economics, yet you don't know that compatible is spelled with an "i," not a second a, and you are unfamiliar with spell check? So WHAT if you get to "re-do" certain things when he does them the first time? Huh?

NP. This is an idiotic comment. Like economists are renowned for their English skills? And why anyone thinks people care about spelling checking posts on this dumb website is beyond me.

[Anonymous]

OP - why was he afraid to drive in DC?

You said he has lived in a small town for his entire life, are you saying he hasn't traveled anywhere, like Orlando, NYC, LA, Chicago, anywhere in Europe, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - why was he afraid to drive in DC?

You said he has lived in a small town for his entire life, are you saying he hasn't traveled anywhere, like Orlando, NYC, LA, Chicago, anywhere in Europe, etc.?

He's never travelled to those cities. He did go to France once.

[Anonymous]

OP, the question is, will you be able to relate to him and treat him with the respect that he deserves? Because what I hear from you a bit is that you have little respect for his small town, non-cosmopolitan past. If this is going to cause you to treat him as a lesser, then you should pass and not put him in this unfair situation.

If you do pursue a relationship, keep in mind that when it comes to travel, especially in larger cities or international, he may need to look to you for your more extensive experience. That's fine, but don't treat him with disrespect for this. There is more to life than elaborate travel and dissertations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I love the way everyone has just run with this. At the risk of being judged even more... actually, who am I kidding- Given the CERTAINTY of being judge even more, I'll correct a few things and add a few details:

I have also been married and have 3 children that I am now raising on my own, so I too have "brought life into this world" and "focussed on my marriage"

I have a PhD in economics.

It's the way he describes his life- rather than the way I perceive it- as having been very limited by his marriage.

He has lived his whole life in one small city and I have lived in many places. He was afraid to drive in DC when he came to visit recently.

I don't think I'm better than he is. He's smart, funny, cool, competent. We are compatable on many levels. Totally on the same level mentally.

I'm just worried that I will always "have done" stuff that is new to him.

And finally, I was looking for been there, done that advice rather than judgement (wrong venue, I know!)

You have a Ph.D in economics, yet you don't know that compatible is spelled with an "i," not a second a, and you are unfamiliar with spell check? So WHAT if you get to "re-do" certain things when he does them the first time? Huh?

NP. This is an idiotic comment. Like economists are renowned for their English skills? And why anyone thinks people care about spelling checking posts on this dumb website is beyond me.

The whole point of OP's post is how much more well rounded her life is than her guy's life. Who cares if you're super well rounded if you can't spell and don't spell check? Shows a lack of attention to detail.

[Anonymous]

I still don't get the problem, OP, especially if you're as compatible as you describe. So he's experiencing something for the first time that you've already done...and?? Why is that even remotely an issue? I'm not getting it.

Life is short. When I'm with someone I care for and enjoy, a trip to the hardware store is a pleasure.

You say that you don't value your experiences over his, but it does seem that you don't feel you're in equal footing. Otherwise it wouldn't be an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still don't get the problem, OP, especially if you're as compatible as you describe. So he's experiencing something for the first time that you've already done...and?? Why is that even remotely an issue? I'm not getting it.

Life is short. When I'm with someone I care for and enjoy, a trip to the hardware store is a pleasure.

You say that you don't value your experiences over his, but it does seem that you don't feel you're in equal footing. Otherwise it wouldn't be an issue.

**^^ on equal footing

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't pursue this, OP, since you obviously don't love him.

I traveled extensively as a child and adult. I was brought up in a multinational family, married into yet another culture, and was exposed to different lifestyles, food and literature. No one I have ever met has "done" such a variety of things.

But despite my eclectic family, graduate degree and background, it would not occur to me to criticize somebody for "not having done enough". Unless that person was ignorant and narrow-minded as a result, which could happen, except that you don't say it's the issue here.

So tone it down please with your holier-than-thou attitude.

[Anonymous]

It's not holier than thou. It's more like we come from different backgrounds. Different, not hierarchically ranked. It's like marrying into a different culture or religion. The question is about the effect of the difference NOT whether one person is better than the other because of the difference.
Also, there is no spell check on DCUM. Does anyone type their responses into word, spell check and then cut paste into the DCUM box? If not doing that makes me not detail oriented then... I guess you have me pegged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I love the way everyone has just run with this. At the risk of being judged even more... actually, who am I kidding- Given the CERTAINTY of being judge even more, I'll correct a few things and add a few details:

I have also been married and have 3 children that I am now raising on my own, so I too have "brought life into this world" and "focussed on my marriage"

I have a PhD in economics.

It's the way he describes his life- rather than the way I perceive it- as having been very limited by his marriage.

He has lived his whole life in one small city and I have lived in many places. He was afraid to drive in DC when he came to visit recently.

I don't think I'm better than he is. He's smart, funny, cool, competent. We are compatable on many levels. Totally on the same level mentally.

I'm just worried that I will always "have done" stuff that is new to him.

And finally, I was looking for been there, done that advice rather than judgement (wrong venue, I know!)

Oh OP- not to be a jerk but how could you ever expect to find some kind of reasoned, compassionate advice here? You have to understand, in your original post you postulated a concern that you might have accomplished more than the guy you are seeing. This triggered two alarms for DCUM: one, the "person on Internet thinks she's better than someone else, and thus, me" alarm that does NOT go over well in the hyper competitive, insane world of DCUM. Two; the "woman online thinks she's better than her man alarm" which always triggers an avalanche of misogynistic mockery and venom.

Moral of the story? Don't listen to a bunch of people sitting online trying to make someone else feel like shit. Their actions should speak loud enough as to the quality of the lives they lead (which is to say, fairly low)....

THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Oh OP- not to be a jerk but how could you ever expect to find some kind of reasoned, compassionate advice here? You have to understand, in your original post you postulated a concern that you might have accomplished more than the guy you are seeing. This triggered two alarms for DCUM: one, the "person on Internet thinks she's better than someone else, and thus, me" alarm that does NOT go over well in the hyper competitive, insane world of DCUM. Two; the "woman online thinks she's better than her man alarm" which always triggers an avalanche of misogynistic mockery and venom.

Moral of the story? Don't listen to a bunch of people sitting online trying to make someone else feel like shit. Their actions should speak loud enough as to the quality of the lives they lead (which is to say, fairly low)....

Wow, you're joking, right? Way to turn the OP into the victim here. This woman is a selfish ahole who expected a pity party because the man she's dating can't live up to her ridiculously high and conceited standards and you attaboy her. Screw her and screw you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Oh OP- not to be a jerk but how could you ever expect to find some kind of reasoned, compassionate advice here? You have to understand, in your original post you postulated a concern that you might have accomplished more than the guy you are seeing. This triggered two alarms for DCUM: one, the "person on Internet thinks she's better than someone else, and thus, me" alarm that does NOT go over well in the hyper competitive, insane world of DCUM. Two; the "woman online thinks she's better than her man alarm" which always triggers an avalanche of misogynistic mockery and venom.

Moral of the story? Don't listen to a bunch of people sitting online trying to make someone else feel like shit. Their actions should speak loud enough as to the quality of the lives they lead (which is to say, fairly low)....

Wow, you're joking, right? Way to turn the OP into the victim here. This woman is a selfish ahole who expected a pity party because the man she's dating can't live up to her ridiculously high and conceited standards and you attaboy her. Screw her and screw you.

Where do you get that from??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not holier than thou. It's more like we come from different backgrounds. Different, not hierarchically ranked. It's like marrying into a different culture or religion. The question is about the effect of the difference NOT whether one person is better than the other because of the difference.
Also, there is no spell check on DCUM. Does anyone type their responses into word, spell check and then cut paste into the DCUM box? If not doing that makes me not detail oriented then... I guess you have me pegged.

I'm the international PP - many of my friends married people from other nationalities and some don't live in their home country. Unless you are somehow intolerant of different religions, languages, foods, you should be fine. The most important aspects of your life together would probably be parenting and finances. You need to be on the same page for those, and that has nothing to do with different backgrounds! My parents come from opposite sides of the globe, had wildly different upbringings, met when they had NO common language, yet were absolutely on the same page for raising kids and managing a household.

However, I'm sensing that all this is a smokescreen for something else - the fact you're just not that into him. It's a perfectly valid feeling, OP. You don't need to cloak it with something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not holier than thou. It's more like we come from different backgrounds. Different, not hierarchically ranked. It's like marrying into a different culture or religion. The question is about the effect of the difference NOT whether one person is better than the other because of the difference.
Also, there is no spell check on DCUM. Does anyone type their responses into word, spell check and then cut paste into the DCUM box? If not doing that makes me not detail oriented then... I guess you have me pegged.

I don't blame you for back peddling given the abuse you've received, but let's be honest...the title of this thread is "I've done so much more than he has in life."

That doesn't suggest that you see his past as equal, despite your "revised" attitude. Your meaning was clear in your original post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not holier than thou. It's more like we come from different backgrounds. Different, not hierarchically ranked. It's like marrying into a different culture or religion. The question is about the effect of the difference NOT whether one person is better than the other because of the difference.
Also, there is no spell check on DCUM. Does anyone type their responses into word, spell check and then cut paste into the DCUM box? If not doing that makes me not detail oriented then... I guess you have me pegged.

I'm the international PP - many of my friends married people from other nationalities and some don't live in their home country. Unless you are somehow intolerant of different religions, languages, foods, you should be fine. The most important aspects of your life together would probably be parenting and finances. You need to be on the same page for those, and that has nothing to do with different backgrounds! My parents come from opposite sides of the globe, had wildly different upbringings, met when they had NO common language, yet were absolutely on the same page for raising kids and managing a household.

However, I'm sensing that all this is a smokescreen for something else - the fact you're just not that into him. It's a perfectly valid feeling, OP. You don't need to cloak it with something else.

Totally into him. Worried that being totally into him is clouding my judgement and our differences will be more significant down the road.