"Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

[Anonymous]

Love is one emotion that cannot be forced. No way.

And we humans are not trees, we do not need to wait for others to grow on us.

It sounds to me as if you never had that "giddy schoolgirl feeling" that most people experience in the beginning of any relationship. You may feel as if you missed out and understandably have many regrets about it. No one would blame you.

However now you are caught between a rock and a hard stone.

My personal opinion is if you are not "in love" with someone, then you shouldn't waste another day pretending. It isn't a healthy model for your family and you would be living a daily lie.

Life is to be celebrated, not simply endured.

Sure, you will have less money, etc., but ultimately your children will have an authentic happy mother who stays 100% true to herself.

And that will benefit them more in the long run than living in a fancy house.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you decide to leave, do it while your kids are still small.
I don't think it's a sexist stereotype that dating in your 40s with young children will be difficult; it will also be hard on your children. But I also am thinking of your DH, and he deserves to be with someone who truly loves him; it is clear you do not, and never did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy.

I have tried therapy in the past for a different issue and it never worked. I wanted actual advice but all I got was "what makes you think that?" "Why do you feel that way?" Etc. etc. which made me want to scream out of frustration.

Because you have to work through your issues! Answer the hard questions, do the work. Otherwise I predict you will have similar issues if you ever date/remarry. This is your issue, not your husbands. Don't break up your family until you've tried everything.

She doesn't have any issues. She married a man that she has no chemistry with. This is unfixable. The only way she can figure out how to tolerate is to close her eyes and have a good imagination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a SAHM or do you work? Whats the division of assets/money?

OP said in the opening post that she works but makes significantly less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy.

I have tried therapy in the past for a different issue and it never worked. I wanted actual advice but all I got was "what makes you think that?" "Why do you feel that way?" Etc. etc. which made me want to scream out of frustration.

Because you have to work through your issues! Answer the hard questions, do the work. Otherwise I predict you will have similar issues if you ever date/remarry. This is your issue, not your husbands. Don't break up your family until you've tried everything.

She doesn't have any issues. She married a man that she has no chemistry with. This is unfixable. The only way she can figure out how to tolerate is to close her eyes and have a good imagination.

Sounds like a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just LOL at the idea that the accurate reports of 40+ women with children not being a dating catch is apparently a "sexist stereotype"

And this OP throwing away a good man without having the guts or the maturity to communicate her needs to him.

Your husband can do better than you, OP. Divorce him and let him find someone who appreciates him more.

Can you imagine a date with OP?

Date: "So what went wrong with your marriage?"

OP: "We didn't have any chemistry, ever."

Date: "Well, why did you marry him?"

OP: "My mom and my sister told me to."

Date: "Well, how long were you married?"

OP: "Oh, 6 years, I have two children."

I'm sure it will be raining men for OP...

This made me lol literally so thanks The scary thing is that I know quite a few women like this irl! One did leave her husband and is still single three years after the divorce. Predictably, he is in a very serious relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy.

I have tried therapy in the past for a different issue and it never worked. I wanted actual advice but all I got was "what makes you think that?" "Why do you feel that way?" Etc. etc. which made me want to scream out of frustration.

Because you have to work through your issues! Answer the hard questions, do the work. Otherwise I predict you will have similar issues if you ever date/remarry. This is your issue, not your husbands. Don't break up your family until you've tried everything.

She doesn't have any issues. She married a man that she has no chemistry with. This is unfixable. The only way she can figure out how to tolerate is to close her eyes and have a good imagination.

her issues is that she thinks that, at age 40 and with 2 kids, she is entitled to a passionate relationship in addition to everything else.

[Anonymous]

Omg, this poor man. Can you imagine how hurt and humiliated he would be if he read this and somehow figured out it was about him? The story of him trying to be what the OP wants and failing and now acting like a "kicked puppy" at home just makes me cringe. And he sounds like such a nice guy too! A real catch.

[Anonymous]

I know someone whose husband initiated the divorce, two kids, she is over 45. She has found the perfect made-for-her partner and her ex has not. They have been divorced for a couple of years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a SAHM or do you work? Whats the division of assets/money?

OP. He makes 80% of our HHI. I said initially that I realize this is a problem. I could support myself but I would need child support for the kids in this area, especially since we want them to go to private school. As for dividing assets, I don't know how that would work. Neither of us came into the marriage with much in savings so I guess we would just split what we do have now 50/50?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well since you asked. I have tried that. We have tried that. But it didn't really work. I want rough sex. I want a confident, sexy man to push me around a little bit. I want it to be a little risky and daring. I want to be thrown off guard. I want to be *into* it, you know? The kind of sex we have is so predictable and mechanical and way too sweet. He is always trying to kiss me during which I hate. I don't know how to articulate this but it's like he is way too polite and PC to do what I want. It was such an awkward failure.

Now do you see what I mean??

You said he can sense something is wrong. If you tell him, again at a therapist's office where it can be in a safe neutral place, that this is what you want, but you know he find's it uncomfortable, then you two could probably work it out from there. He's not comfortable with what you want, but maybe he'd be willing to try harder too (and you do too) if he thinks it will make you happier with your sex life.

Have you had this kind of "rougher" sex previously, or is this some fantasy? I have had these kinds of fantasy, too, but I think reality is much different, and I know that if it really happened I wouldn't like it.

Yes I am thinking of someone in particular from my past. He was my last SO before I met my husband. He didn't want to get married though and still isn't.

so he didn't want to marry you when you were 33 but he will marry you when you are 40+ with 2 kids? good luck with that.

It's not him specifically. I don't think we will get back together. We're barely even in contact anymore. But I want someone like him. Just less disfunctional and angry at the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you never loved him but talked yourself into marrying him because of what he brought to the table (successful high paying career, attractive, etc). You probably convinced yourself you could grow to love him and that hasn't happened. I'm sorry. I think it's only fair to both of you to split.

Yes this is exactly what happened. Everyone around me thought he was wonderful and amazing. And he *is* all of those things but he's still not right for ME for some reason. I try to explain this to the people closest to me and they think I am insane. It's like they're just not hearing me. Or they don't care. But life is about more than living in the picture perfec house with the picture perfect family. I have to live with him 24/7, not just in those nice, pretty moments that everyone else sees. I did settle and I bitterly regret it now. Word to the wise for any unattached women reading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well since you asked. I have tried that. We have tried that. But it didn't really work. I want rough sex. I want a confident, sexy man to push me around a little bit. I want it to be a little risky and daring. I want to be thrown off guard. I want to be *into* it, you know? The kind of sex we have is so predictable and mechanical and way too sweet. He is always trying to kiss me during which I hate. I don't know how to articulate this but it's like he is way too polite and PC to do what I want. It was such an awkward failure.

Now do you see what I mean??

You said he can sense something is wrong. If you tell him, again at a therapist's office where it can be in a safe neutral place, that this is what you want, but you know he find's it uncomfortable, then you two could probably work it out from there. He's not comfortable with what you want, but maybe he'd be willing to try harder too (and you do too) if he thinks it will make you happier with your sex life.

Have you had this kind of "rougher" sex previously, or is this some fantasy? I have had these kinds of fantasy, too, but I think reality is much different, and I know that if it really happened I wouldn't like it.

Yes I am thinking of someone in particular from my past. He was my last SO before I met my husband. He didn't want to get married though and still isn't.

so he didn't want to marry you when you were 33 but he will marry you when you are 40+ with 2 kids? good luck with that.

It's not him specifically. I don't think we will get back together. We're barely even in contact anymore. But I want someone like him. Just less disfunctional and angry at the world.

LOL
what makes you think such guy exist and wants to be with you? why didn't you find "someone like him just less dysfunctional" when you were 30?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a SAHM or do you work? Whats the division of assets/money?

OP. He makes 80% of our HHI. I said initially that I realize this is a problem. I could support myself but I would need child support for the kids in this area, especially since we want them to go to private school. As for dividing assets, I don't know how that would work. Neither of us came into the marriage with much in savings so I guess we would just split what we do have now 50/50?

OP, i am glad that you are still checking in after a lot of nonsense that went on in this thread.

i spoke earlier about having a DH like yours, and that our chemistry is gone after 14 years and two young kids. i had a thought about why you and DH may not have chemistry (understanding that you never did, but this still applies), and it is something to seriously explore with him before walking out. it is possible that your DH (like mine) does not give readily of himself - his thoughts, feelings, dreams about you, your family, and life in general. it is lovely to have a dependable, honest, trustworthy and hardworking spouse...but it is HARD to feel passion about somebody who doesn't share with you the things that get him going in life. or worse, if he doesn't really have anything that gets him going outside of his job.

my DH became like this after a few years together, then i in turn became like this because he would not respond to my trying to initiate these conversations, and i had to deaden my emotions to get through our every day. and CLEARLY, there went any chemistry that we had. after a number of years in this mode, i hit a wall, told him i was deeply unhappy and alone, and i was going to therapy to figure things out. he said he would go with me.

we have spent many, many months in therapy. there have been moments when DH has opened up and i felt a spark. the process is horrifying slow, but it is moving forward and i no longer felt like i was dying inside.

i HIGHLY encourage you to do couples therapy before deciding ANYTHING. and i will tell you that once you start therapy, it gets worse before it gets better. but you need to have zero regrets if you decide to leave your DH, and the only way to do that is to really do the work and try everything.

i wish you the best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not him specifically. I don't think we will get back together. We're barely even in contact anymore. But I want someone like him. Just less disfunctional and angry at the world.

Is it not his being an angry person that makes him rough during sex? Not sure if you can really have one without the other, unless the roughness like with your husband would be an act that a guy may or may not be comfortable with?